Chapter Five: You Have Made a Human Out of Me
I am packing my bags and getting ready to go back to New York. I did what I needed to do, and I'm no longer wanted here, so what is the point of staying? I have no idea why I am feeling this way though; it is not as if I was expecting her to jump right back into my arms. She is right, it is my entire fault. I am the one who left abruptly. I am the one to blame. I just hope she is happy now, and I hope she is treated right. I hope he treats her better than I could ever do.
I talked to Loren three days ago, and I spent these three days mourning the death of our relationship. I did nothing except lazily lay down on my couch, and getting up just when I had to go to the bathroom. I barely ate but I did drink – a lot –, I did not answer any calls, I did not change and I did not even find it worth it to go sleep in my bedroom. It would have been a perfect occasion for me to write, but I could not. I found myself blankly staring at the white ceiling for most of the time. It was only when I realized my flight was leaving tomorrow that I got up and starting being half-productive.
I start picking up some clothes on the floor and mindlessly throwing them in my suitcase, all the while thinking of what happened three days ago. I cannot believe I could have been so stupid. How did I think she would come back to me? I lost her two years ago, and I lost her again now. Way to go, Eddie! My heart is skipping fast and unevenly; I'm feeling the need to sit down. My eyes are watering, and blurry images of Loren invade my head. Images of when we first met each other, images of her first tour, images of her, torn up, after I left her that November… I close my eyes, trying to shut these pictures out of my mind. But instead I see us back at the beach bungalow, where she talked about the future she wanted to share with me. She talked about the three kids she wanted, the dog and the white picket fence; about us getting old and still writing songs about our life. I remember her laughing after I tickled her when I wanted her to stop talking. And I remember me thinking that it would actually be sweet to live that life with her.
I suddenly get a flash of inspiration, and I need to jot down some lines before they evaporate in the ether that constitutes my thoughts. I find my notebook in the mess and start writing.
So we dance away the days
Looking for the rest of you and me
I can hear this slow melody in my head and I hum it.
And you say you can't breathe
Every time you think you're losing me
I stare in front of me. There is something else I need to add to this, but what? I get lost in my own confusion, but some words still come easily to me. I guess they were too honest to be left unwritten.
I loved you from the start
But I don't know what I'm looking for
Before I can continue, someone knocks at my door. I do not feel like answering, but I hear a man screaming on the other side who gives me no other choice.
"Eddie! Open the door!" He knocks even louder. "I've been calling you for days and you never answered, so if you still don't want to answer me now, I'm smashing this freaking door down!"
I get up hastily and let him in.
"Hey Jake," I greet him with a whisper.
"What's up, man? I called you a million times!" He looks around the living room. "What the hell is this? Seriously, clean this mess up! And look at your face! What happened to you?! You look like you just spent three nights in Vegas without sleeping. Did you lock yourself here all along? No… don't tell me you decided to become a cat lady without telling me?"
"Ha, very funny, Jake," I know I sound sarcastic. "I guess I was just being held prisoner by my own inner turmoil."
"That," he points out, "would sound so good in a song. By the way, how's the material coming along?"
I cannot believe he would ask me about my music when I am in this state of mind. "Dude, can't you see that I'm not really in the mood to write?"
"I don't know what happened to you, but I thought coming to LA was a time for you to relax and thus a time for you to write. If you wanted to get drunk every night because you're young and you don't give a crap about – "
"I talked to Loren."
"You what?"
"You heard me."
"You talked to Loren?" I nod. "When? Why? What'd she say? Are you guys getting back together?"
"Jake! Shut up! No, we're not getting back together and we're never getting back together. She actually broke my heart even more. Well… I mean, the first time, it was me, but… I've been moping here for the past three days trying to get my head around this. But I can't, so I'm moving on. And either way I'm leaving tomorrow, so I mean, what's the point?"
"The point is that this is the perfect time to write a song, man! Follow Taylor Swift's steps!"
Now I am really mad, and I know I should not be. "Seriously?! You're still talking to me about writing. I can't believe you, Jake. As much as you're my manager, you're also my friend. And a friend should comfort a friend in need. But that's not what you're doing. You're still pushing me to write songs, like you always do and I'm seriously getting sick of it. Do you know how emotionally tiring it is? I need something else; I want something other than this bullshit! I want to stop thinking about her, not focus on this and write a hit about it, although I know you'd love me to. I just want to get over it and move on, and go back to New York and forget about it. She drained me out of everything I have, all my energy, my feelings, my words… I don't have anything left to give you, Jake!"
He is gaping at me, speechless. "But the label – "
"Screw the label! Let them wait!" I catch my breath. "Give me something else to focus on. Give me another film or something, anything to get my mind off her."
"Eddie, it didn't help you last time, remember? You were just completely exhausted after everything I gave you to 'get your mind off her'. And that's why I told you to come here. Little did I know is that you'd actually make it worse…"
I shoot him a glare. "Sorry," he continues, "but I'm serious here, man. Another movie is not gonna help you, Eddie. I know you don't want to hear this, but writing might actually help you. This time, don't do it for me or the label; do it for yourself. Free yourself from your inner turmoil, as you like to call it. Put your feelings in this song. I don't care if it's a hit or not, I just want you to feel better. I'm sorry if I'm pushing you all the time, I just want what's best for you and your career. And for now, I just want you to get better, that's all that matters to me."
He looks sincere, and I might actually listen to him. "Thanks. I'm sorry too, for snapping at you. Just… don't pressure me right now. I'm not in a good place."
"I get it, Eddie. I've been there too…" He puts his hand on my shoulder, and knowing that he supports me makes me feel a little bit better. I embrace him, and tears threaten to fall. Be a man, Eddie. Stop crying.
"I'll always be there for you, Eduardo. I am your friend… I'm your brother. And we'll always be brothers. So you can count on me."
"Thanks," I smile at him.
"Anyway, I'll let you do your stuff now that I know you're alive. And clean this mess. Max would not be happy about this!" I laugh. "Get better, and I'll see you tomorrow, 'kay? The plane leaves at 2pm. Don't be late."
"Yeah, yeah… Now get out." I chuckle; I start to feel a lot better.
• • •
After Jake leaves, I spend the whole night packing my bags and catching myself with an occasional smile plastered on my face. Music is blasting from my iPod while I am cleaning my house and I look actually pleased with the outcome. I mean, I can actually see the floor! I tell myself that I am over Loren, and that tomorrow will be a brand new day for both of us. I will eventually stop feeling so depressed and start living again. I will put all of me into my music, my career and my fans.
I look around and mentally pat myself; I am pretty much done with everything. There are no more bottles of alcohol nor clothes on the floor; my suitcases are packed and waiting at the door. I just need to get a good night of sleep and I will be ready to start over. However, I quickly spot my notebook under my coffee table and I bend to get it. I remember the song I was writing before Jake's visit, and it brings me back memories of Loren. Damn it, I thought I had moved on already. And as if fate was up to something, I hear a new song playing from my iPod. It is the song that brought us together and it is the song that will always remind me of her. It is a song that I thought was long gone, but I was dead wrong; two years and later, it was still on my mind. It is the song that is currently bringing back all the halcyon memories I was trying to recede, and it is the song that brings me to tears, once again. Hearing her melodious voice kills me and I break down crying on my knees. And for once, I can relate.
But my head's stuck in the clouds, I'm acting weird
And lost for words
Author's Note: I hope you liked this! Again, I'm sorry for taking so long (I feel like I'm always apologizing, and you should act like Loren and tell me to stop cause I'm getting annoying), but you know, school and stuff. I'm fully aware that this chapter was kind of boring, and not really action-packed, but it's slowly coming, don't worry! So yeah, keep your reviews flowing! (:
