Chapter Seven: Couldn't Be Much More From the Heart

I have the urge of going in and sneaking into her apartment, to sniff around and maybe find some clues about her disappearance, but a part of me decides not to. I am reminded that I still have to be a decent man. I have manners and moral values, and breaking in someone's home is not part of them – although this is not technically speaking breaking in. I decide to simply take the key and lock the door on my way out, and drive wherever my instincts tell me to go. As I walk into the room, the smell of azaleas and vanilla overwhelms me. It smells just like her and makes me want to hold her and feel her cuddled up against my chest. It reminds me of her hair flowing in the wind and her eyes sparkling under the sun, of her warm smile and her big heart.

I miss her so much.

I remember all the smallest moments we have spent together; the laughs, the tears and the moments of pure silence. Every minute spent with her was complete bliss, and I will forever curse myself for ruining it. Even now, I remember the first time we met, that night of the contest, or our first kiss, on my birthday, after we drove up to Mulholland. She is the first person I had ever taken up there, and still today, she is the only one who knows about that place. I stopped going there after we started dating because I no longer needed the outer sources of inspiration; she was right there in front of me and she was all I needed. I have not been there for over three years but I am secretly hoping she still remembers it.

Could she?

Could she really be hiding there? Technically, yes, no one else knows about this place. If there was one place I would be the only one to know about, Mulholland would be it.

I grab the key on the table, close the door and rush to my car. I have never felt so much adrenaline in my life. The thrill she gives me is indescribable. And the love I have for her is undeniable.

• • •

As I park my car on the hill, I cannot believe my eyes. She actually is here, sitting on the edge of the cliff. I think an instant of calling her name, but instead I decide to gently walk up to her. However, before I can really approach her, she turns around, and she sends me a bittersweet smile. I cannot help but have a flashback of that day. She still has the same face, glistening under the spotless Californian cerulean sky, and her tears are threatening to fall from her eyes at any second. The sun is up high, shining on her, and brightening her sad but still beautiful face.

"Hey." Her voice is coarse; I know she has been crying.

"Hey." I carefully sit down next to her.

"You found me."

"Yeah. After all, I am the one who showed you this place."

"True. And it's beautiful… I come here all the time to think, to be alone. Griffith Park has become way too crowded."

I chuckle. "You have always been the independent one."

"Yeah… I just never thought you would be too…"

"About that…"

"Forget it. It's all in the past now… Just like Cameron is."

"You know they've all been looking for you."

"Cameron too?"

"Well, no. I think he gave up… and uh… he left."

"Oh," her mouth forms a small circle, "Thank God." She giggles.

I give her a look and she turns to face me. She must be scrutinizing me.

"He was kind of an asshole."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean… he wasn't like that at first. When we first started dating, he was sweet. He was always there for me and comforted me after you left; it was nice. He proposed to me one day and I figured 'sure, I could learn to love him'. I obviously never did, but it didn't stop me from saying yes. We got engaged, we moved in together, and then things changed. He was never home, always away for work and stuff. When he came back the other day, he told me he had to move to Philly to get closer to his work, and he wanted me to go with him. I refused, I felt like there was something fishy about his job, and I mean, my whole life is here! But he wouldn't let go... so I let him go. Plus, I think he had something going on with a blonde girl behind my back while he was there. Anyway, I don't care anymore. It's not like I really loved him anyway."

I cannot hide my surprise, "So you broke the engagement off…"

"Yeah."

"And why did you tell me you were married?"

"Right…" She sighs and seems like she is trying to find the right words. "Honestly… I lied to you because I tried lying to myself… about loving Cameron or that I would at least be able to learn to love him... and about not loving you…" She raises her head and stares at me. "But even after all this time, I can't." My heart drops. "I never wanted to break the engagement off. I was planning on getting married with him and seeing how it goes. I know it's stupid, but that's what I was planning for myself. But I think breaking up is for the better. We never would've really loved and devoted ourselves for each other anyway."

I cannot believe this. I am trying as hard as I can to grasp the fact that Loren still loved me – loves, maybe. We could have made our relationship work. But I was a coward.

"Eddie, I'm sorry for lying to you… and for overreacting when you came over the other day."

I look at her. "Don't apologize. I have way more things to apologize for. I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you, and the way I let you – us – down. I knew we could've worked it out… It was just too much for me. I'm so sorry for leaving like that. I know how much it hurt you. Believe me, I've been told. I know you hate it when I apologize but I can't not apologize to you. There are too many things I've done wrong, so you had the right to yell at me the other day. I totally understand… I think I might be more of an asshole than Cameron and your dad together…"

"Don't say that," she interrupts me, "'cause you're not. You're the only one who came back."

It does not alleviate the guilt I have. We stay a while in silence, both in our own thoughts.

"You know why I hate when you say sorry?" I shake my head. "When you broke up with me, that's exactly what you said. You couldn't stop apologizing and saying how sorry you were. And I never knew what you were sorry for. After you left, it's the only thing that was on my mind. I could hear your apologies in my sleep, over my music, in complete silence… I heard them all the time, just 'sorry, sorry, sorry' and it made me crazy. After that, when people apologized to me, I couldn't help but cringe; the sound of it makes me sick. When you came back and told me, again, how sorry you were, I just… I never thought such simple words could hurt so much." She tries to hold back her tears.

"I wish I could take that pain away, I really do," I tell her. I try my best to apologize without actually saying it.

"It's fine… I'm coping."

"How can I ever be forgiven for that?"

She smiles at me, "You already are, Eddie. I forgave you long ago. I get that you had your issues, I just wish you would've shared them with me."

I nod. "It wasn't easy… I wanted to, I just didn't know how."

"It's okay. We're cool," she says smiling at me. I can almost smile back. "You know, this is the first time in a long time that I've talked so much."

"Really?"

"Yeah… My relationship with Cameron wasn't really conversation-based. And I wasn't able to open up to anyone after you left." I let that sink in.

"Well I'm glad you can talk to me… I'm not going anywhere anymore. And even if I am away, I'll be there for you."

"Thanks, Eddie." For the first time in days, a genuine smile appears on my face.

We sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes, just staring at the view and watching the ant-sized people pass by below us.

"Eddie?" I turn around. "If you want… maybe we could… you know…"

"You're sure?"

"I forgive you. I know you needed your space. I understand that. I'll never forget how hurt you left me, but having you here with me today makes me feel so much better. I don't know what it is about your presence, but it makes me feel much safer, much warmer. It's been a long time since I've felt this good. And if you want to, maybe we could try again?"

Relief and gratitude washes over me. Hallelujah! "Thank you…" I am almost brought to tears – of joy. "This means so much. I'll never hurt you again, I swear. I owe you so much and I'm willing to spend the rest of my life paying you back… Loren… I love you."

She laughs and pulls me closer to her. "Just hold me." I do as she asks. The feeling of her back in my arms is beyond words. Her body fits perfectly against mine, and her smell is exactly the same as it was before. If I close my eyes, I can almost transport myself back to when everything was right. But I don't need to anymore – everything has just been made right.

Looking up, I see her staring back at me, and I know what she wants. Her eyes tell me to breathe her in, and get closer. As I lean in, I can feel her nose brushing against mine and our lips almost sealing the gap. But before they touch, the vibration of my phone startles the both of us. I am mad, seriously pissed at whoever is calling right now. I take my phone out of my pocket and I groan as I read the I.D. "Crap."

"What's wrong?" Loren asks me.

I show her my phone, and she laughs whole-heartedly. Jake.

• • •

"Is everything fine?"

"Yeah, Jake is furious at me for missing the flight, but I guess he understands. I told him to postpone it until further notice."

She chuckles. "He's gonna kill you, Eddie."

"I know, and I don't care." Actually, I do. As much as having Loren back with me means the world to me, I know I cannot let my career down. And I have disappointed Jake too many times. Having Loren back makes me want to become my old self again, and I want to redeem myself with everyone around me. "You know, we should probably call people to tell them you're safe, and that I found you."

She grabs me closer to her until I am millimeters away from her, and whispers, "They can wait." She drops her lips against mine and takes me by surprise, but I quickly kiss her back. I am overjoyed, pure bliss and ecstasy fill me. I now have everything I have ever wanted, and I could not ask for more.


Author's Note: I'm sooooo sorry I haven't been updating, but I've had my reasons. First of all, school will always be my first priority, and now that I'm in college, it's not always easy to juggle everything. Secondly, I've had my own personal problems and I haven't been always in the mood to write. Fortunately, I've had all your reviews that encouraged me to continue. If it wasn't for them, you probably wouldn't be reading this right now, so thank you and keep them coming!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It's really fluffy and not that good, but at least you got some Leddie interaction. Sadly, we're almost approaching the end of the story… but don't fret! That doesn't mean I'll stop writing. I don't want to get into details about my future projects now, but don't give up on me just yet!