Disclaimer: I swear I don't own Austin and Ally.
A/N: Thanks for the great response everyone! You amaze me! Here is chapter 2: get ready for Ally's perspective. There is some overlap between her experience and Austin's from chapter 1 so the dates matter. Hope it doesn't cause any confusion.
Journal from a Fractured Mind
Chapter 2: Love Song for the Broken Hearted
Ally
April 20th, 2017
No. No no no NO NO!
Austin is in a coma. He's in the hospital, broken and hooked up to machines and he won't wake up. This has to be a nightmare but I can't wake up either. 48 hours ago we were sitting at the piano in my practice room above Sonic Boom writing a new song together and now he's. . .
His car was totaled. I saw it and I wish I could forget. It was unrecognizable and so is he. They operated on him for hours and had to restart his heart.
He is black and blue and covered in casts and bandages and his eyes won't open and his hand felt cold when I held it. I feel like I am dying. How could this happen to him? I don't know how to deal with this.
. . .
May 20th, 2017
It's been a month since the accident. I visit Austin all the time and now the nurses know me by sight. They even know the times I usually come by and they have my visitor pass ready and waiting. I don't know if that is sweet or depressing. It's depressing because he's still sleeping and I'm here and I don't want to function without him. I know, melodramatic, right? But it's true. He's been part of my life, every day, for the last four years. Even when he went on his first tour we talked every day until I joined him.
Trish and Dez visit him all the time too. Sometimes we go together, sometimes on our own depending on our schedules. Austin's parents are there all the time too. They take turns between sitting with him and running their store. They look so tired and I can't imagine how hard it is to see your only child like this. Usually when I show up his mom Mimi will leave to get something to eat or just do something else for an hour or two. I don't think either of us likes the idea of him waking up alone. Oh I hope he wakes up soon.
Now when I see him I do all the talking. Sure, I've always been a talker but it isn't the same. He doesn't tease me or roll his eyes or just hug me to get me to shut up. And I would take anything right now, believe me, and I have to admit that I miss his touch. I hold his hand but it's not the same. I want his arms around me and heaven help me, I want one of his kisses.
It's been a while. We flirt all the time and we've had moments of trying to date over the years but the second it shows signs of messing up our friendship we slow down. The last time was just after his most recent tour ended four months ago. I was only able to travel with him for the first half of it. We wrote songs and spent time together until I had to get back in the studio and do some final touches to my record. I'm supposed to go on tour in June to promote it and right now I don't see how I can. I don't feel the music. I don't feel it without him.
When he got home from that tour he came straight to Sonic Boom before he even went home. He walked into the store while I was working and without a word came straight up to me and kissed me. It felt so good. It was 'hello' and 'I missed you' and 'I want you' all rolled into one. He could have asked for anything after that and I would have agreed. Anything to get him to keep kissing me like that.
And now. . .
. . .
May 26th, 2017
I shouldn't have let myself write that last part. I shouldn't think about Austin like that right now. He's fighting for his life and I'm what? lustful? pathetic? A complete and utterly unworthy friend? All of the above.
I just miss him and I'm so scared. I'm scared he won't wake up and open those gorgeous brown eyes again. I'm scared he'll never hold me and make the world right. I'm afraid that I've already lost my best friend and the one man I can't live without.
I don't know what to do. The press are after me all the time, but the scariest part is that they aren't asking about Austin anymore. Like, he's not in the spotlight so they've forgotten him and it kills me to think that anyone could forget him. He's so bright and fun and makes everything around him better. He inspires me and as cliche as it is, he completes me and makes everything real.
He's the one I'm supposed to grow old with.
. . .
June 12th, 2017
My record is done. I don't know how. I haven't been that much help, but thankfully Ronnie and his team cobbled one together. My vocals lately haven't been the best. I've been wearing my voice out singing to Austin when I visit him. He's the only reason I can sing and he's the only one I want to sing to.
Life is continuing on like before and it feels wrong. It feels like a betrayal for the world to spin when he is so still. Trish and Dez complain that I'm too depressed and I've given up hope. I don't think I have but it gets harder every day. Every day that Austin doesn't move breaks my heart a little more. I've read the studies, I know the odds. The longer he sleeps the harder it will be for him to wake and that terrifies me.
I want to stop too, but I have a contract. I have obligations and a schedule to keep so I keep going but I don't feel it right now. I don't feel joy in my music without him there cheering me on.
Why can't I lay down next to him and just stop until he wakes up? Why can't I take his place and let him live and shine and be on stage? It's what he loves, what he was born to do, and he should be the one singing while I sleep because I was so boring until I met him.
. . .
July 24th, 2017
My tour kicks off tonight in New York City. Here I am in this amazing place and I haven't left my hotel room. I should explore, see the sights, do something fun in the hours I have left before the show. It's what Austin would want me to do.
I said goodbye to him yesterday morning before catching my flight up here. Some of his bruises have disappeared and the nurses told me he is slowly healing. Maybe they are right, but he looked thin and fragile to me. Austin was never anything close to fragile or breakable before.
I took his large hand in mine and at least it wasn't cold. The callouses on his fingers from playing guitar are healing. His hands have never been that soft and that made my cry. I didn't mean to. I wanted to be brave for him, to say goodbye with strength and dignity, to be the girl he helped me become. But I couldn't. I failed him at the last because I am afraid that I won't see him again. There, I admitted it.
I cleaned up my face though and I kissed his lips one more time and I walked out of his room. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Tonight I will do another hard thing. I will paste a smile on my face and put on a show and not let anyone see my hurt anymore. I can't be the grieving girlfriend now. The would-be girlfriend. But then, labels never were our thing.
The one label I want is out of my reach now: Mrs. And if he doesn't wake up I don't think I'll ever have that label. Not with someone else. I couldn't.
. . .
August 2nd, 2017
When I finished my show in Paris last night a text was waiting for me from Mimi Moon. It took me a full ten minutes to convince myself to open it. The message was only three words: "Austin is awake".
The drummer from my band caught me when I fainted. I woke up to paramedics surrounding me and I was ordered to my room and bed rest until we leave France tomorrow.
. . .
August 5th, 2017
I've been talking to Trish on the phone a lot the past few days. Neither she nor Dez have been allowed to see Austin yet but they've talked to his parents. He is weak and speaking is a struggle. He also has amnesia. I texted Mimi and she told me she is with him a lot. He's okay but he's not himself yet. He doesn't remember much but a team of doctors are working with him.
I'm afraid to let myself hope. And I'm angry that I can't go home right now and see him.
The amnesia thing scares me. What if he doesn't remember me? Will he still be the Austin I know? Will we have to start over? Would he fall in love with me again? Will he believe me if I tell him I love him?
. . .
August 16th, 2017
I'm in Germany. Trish has joined me on tour and that's been a relief. She wasn't able to see Austin before she left although she tried. She and Dez basically broke into the hospital and made it up to the hallway outside his room before they were caught. Mike Moon tried to get them in too but they weren't allowed. I don't know how, but if I'd been there I would have found a way in, screw the doctors. Oh yes, I said it. That's how serious I am. This is Austin we are talking about.
Like a fangirl I've been following any news that leaks about Austin back home. A few days after I found out he was awake it got around to the press. "Austin Moon awake", then "rumors of amnesia plague pop star", and "secrecy surrounding recovery of Austin Moon: what are they hiding?" I also found a photo of him that's been circulating but keeps getting pulled from sites. It's Austin in a t-shirt and sweat pants and it looks like it's in his hospital room. He's skinny and pale, which is really strange to see, but it's him.
Every so often I text Mimi but she doesn't give me much information either. Just quick updates about his cast coming off, or the infuriatingly vague 'he's making progress!'
Today Dez texted to tell us Austin is home. I didn't get it until I woke up this morning and I screamed and woke Trish up and we called Austin right then. But I panicked and tossed the phone to her. What if it's not true? What if he doesn't remember me? It was just too much. So she talked and squealed and I faintly heard a familiar voice. I couldn't believe it, I was so scared to let myself believe, but then Trish handed me the phone and I was talking to him. He sounded different. He's still having a hard time talking. And I cried. I'm ashamed but I blubbered at him and then, just like he always does, Austin sang to me and made the world right. It was his voice, the one voice I hear in my dreams, the voice I love. And he knows me. He misses me as much as I miss him.
For the first time in 5 months, I know that everything is going to be okay.
. . .
September 16th, 2017
The flight home was endless and nothing could move fast enough for me. I've been texting Austin often over the last month. He's given me updates on his recovery so I know that he is stronger, walking is getting easier, and his mom makes him pancakes every day for breakfast.
He let Megan Sims from Cheetah Beat interview him a few days ago, his first interview since the accident. His speech has improved and he hardly stutters anymore. He told me his trick is to pause after being asked something and it looks like he's contemplating the answer but he's calming himself down. Then he speaks slowly and everything comes out okay. If he is excited or nervous and tries to rush an answer, that's when he stutters. We haven't talked on the phone since that first day because of the time difference between where I am and where he is and I am dying to hear his voice again.
There was some press at the airport but I blew right past them, ignoring their questions about my tour and my relationship with Austin. I didn't want to talk about my relationship. I wanted to go make one. Trish distracted them and I ran for the pickup area. She offered to wait for our bags and bring mine home for me. She's the best! Dez was waiting in his car at the passenger pickup area as planned and the second I was in my seat we were off. He told me Austin was at home, which wasn't surprising because he hasn't left home much since he was released from the hospital. It's not like him but I know he still doesn't feel like himself and he's nervous about going out. We just need to build his confidence again.
The closer we got to Austin's house, the more nervous I felt. I love him, and I've missed him, but I also know that when he first woke up he didn't know who I was. Dez told me the other day that for about a week Austin thought he dreamed me up because his memories came back like dreams. But his texts with me this past month have been pretty normal and he sounds more like himself. So I breathed deep and got myself ready.
Dez dropped me off at the house and when I rang the doorbell Mimi answered. She gave me a huge hug and then pointed me back to the family room. Austin was sitting on the couch and he stood up when he saw me. Dez didn't warn him I was coming directly here, but he knew I was on my way home today. He took an unsteady step toward me and held onto the couch to catch his balance. We stared at each other for a second and then I ran to him. He opened his arms and welcomed me with a hug. My arms went too far around him, he is still a little skinny, but I held on for dear life and lay my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.
Tears sprang to my eyes and I pulled back to look up at him. Those eyes. I couldn't help myself, and put my hand on his cheek, touching him, feeling him there as I stared into his eyes. He seemed to lean forward the tiniest bit and I took advantage of it. I raised up on my toes and kissed him. He made a surprised sound but quickly began kissing me in return. His hands grasped at my waist and his body pressed against mine as we lost ourselves. It was rougher than any kiss we've shared before: full of need and want and missing each other. It was perfect. I stepped back slightly to compensate for his enthusiasm as he kissed me and he stumbled forward with me. We almost fell over but my back met the wall and we stabilized. His warm hands slipped under the bottom of my shirt so he was touching the skin of my lower back and I was on fire. My hands gripped the fabric of his shirt and his mouth left mine as he trailed kisses down my neck.
That's when his mom spoke up. Yeah. We had an audience. She told us to break it up and Austin stopped kissing my neck but pulled me flush against him in a hug, his face still close to my neck so I could feel his ragged breath on my skin. Our hearts were pounding in unison and if it weren't for the wall and his body plastered against mine I don't think I could have stood up on my own. Mimi shook her head and said we should at least say hello and then asked that we not try to make any babies while she went upstairs to get something for a minute. I turned bright red when she said that.
Austin chuckled and shook his head against my shoulder. He left one more kiss on my neck before lifting his head to look at me again. He said hi and smiled at me. My heart might have stopped for a second. But then I said hi in return just before he kissed me again. This time he was gentle but my legs were still left feeling like jelly beneath me.
He told me he missed me. I told him that it was so good to see him again. We didn't move until Mimi returned and luckily by then I could walk, but only just slightly more steadily than Austin could. He held my hand and led me over to the couch so we could sit. He didn't let go of my hand for a long time.
Mimi offered us cookies and hovered for a minute until Austin asked her if we could have a little time to talk. He had to promise that we would actually be talking before she left the room, but not without giving us a few serious looks on her way. I was mortified. What kind of person does Mimi think I am? We've never gone that far and my first time is not going to be on the couch in her family room thank you very much.
Austin saw my face and laughed. Then he assured me that his mom's comments were directed at him, and not me. He's the guy after all and they are the trouble makers. Then I reminded him that I was happily causing 'trouble' myself just a minute ago. That just made him smile bigger.
After that we had a good conversation. It was pretty serious for us, considering our past, but good too. He told me more about how his memories of me came back like dreams to him and he's still a little unsure about a few of them. But when I pressed him he didn't want to give details. He just said he wanted to figure it out on his own. Then he told me that even before he knew who I was, I was a lifeline for him, someone who made him feel less alone and confused. He thought of me as an angel.
I was so touched by that. So I opened up and I told him all my feelings after I found out about the accident and seeing him in the hospital. For once I didn't really hold much back. I told him how scared I was, how nothing felt right without him being part of my life, how I didn't want to picture a future without him in my life. I may have left out one specific detail, of hoping we will get married someday, but I didn't feel bad about that. No need to scare a guy who has just gone through a life and death ordeal.
During my confession Austin held my hand tight and he seemed to just get happier. Then he said there is no reason for us to waste any more time apart and he asked if I'd finally be his girlfriend and go out with him on Saturday. I immediately agreed and he cheered for a second before leaning in to kiss me. I could definitely get used to this.
So it's taken us four and a half years of friendship and false starts to get here, but we finally made it. We are an actual dating couple now. Thank goodness!
. . .
There you go my friends. I hope you like it! Please review and let me know!
Hey, for those of you noticing these being loaded again: I made a mistake with the dates. Thanks so very much to Mystik225 for catching my mistake so I could fix it! I owe you one! So, just the dates of the journal entries have been changed to correct my brain skipping July. What the heck? I have no idea, but it's fixed now.
