It's the long awaited Kanda and Mugen chapter. This chapter was bloody hard. It didn't help that I wanted it to be so much better than the last couple of chapters. There is lightly implied Allen/Kanda. I don't own the song lyrics at the top. They belong to Rob Dougan's song Left Me For Dead. Enjoy!
S and M
But I don't want to search no more, there's nowhere to hide, so why don't you come quietly my love.
I wanted to say, to say that you sure proved the death of me.
'Cause now I've reached the dead end and I can't go back, but if I'm going down you'll come with me 'cause you didn't stop to look 'round, you were gone before I hit the ground.
You went on your way and tears were shed, how you left me for dead.
You are so angry, so annoyed, and frustrated. You would simply bottle it all up, like Lenalee, so that you only have to worry about occasional breakdowns that could be predicted, managed, and controlled, but you can't. There just isn't enough room within you to house such dense, heavy emotion such as that which you can't help but keep.
You would simply keep it all in check, or at least vent in a healthy manner, but you can't. Beating up on the Baka Usagi and your Moyashi helps, but only so much. You would keep your anguish and your anger to yourself, but there is so much of it that it's impossible. You are so full of rage, and irritation, and exhaustion that the only way you know how to keep your sanity and yourself is to let the tired hatred seethe from you at every possible moment of every day… I suppose I can't really blame you for that.
Regardless, I have no particular desire to be your partner, Second Exorcist. Yet with your every ounce of strength you force me to remain at your side. With very little trouble your will has always overpowered my own. Despite the pain that your continued domination of me causes you it hardly seems to bother you anymore. This doesn't surprise me because I remember just as vividly as you do the nearly endless agony they put you and I through all those years ago. It's been close to a decade now, hasn't it?
I may not care for you all that much, but after that time of torture I have no desire to cause you any further pain. Despite all the pain that I try- and do- keep from you it doesn't change the fact that pain I can't keep from you should be debilitating, all on its own. However, not only does that pain no longer seem to bother you, you have gone even further and made yourself capable of enduring so much more. You no longer heed the quaking of your bones, the fiery burning in your nerves, or the pins-and-needles-turned-knives that dance over your skin every time you drag forth every last miniscule gram of power before forcing me to dredge up yet more for you. I have become quite the magician, having so much practice at conjuring power out of thin air without sending us both into an untimely grave.
Of course, you are not the only Exorcist who would give everything of themselves- who has given everything in order to win. You have seen your Moyashi, Lenalee, Crowley, and even Miranda do so, first hand. Over the years you have avoided a great many funerals held for those who did so, but were unable to survive the price of that 'everything.'
But out of all these people, dead or alive, you are the only one among them who believes that the pain of everything is necessary. No, you don't believe that you deserve pain as your Moyashi does, but you have somehow come to the conclusion that it is impossible to fight or give of yourself without pain. To an extent you are correct. It is almost impossible to give without someday being hurt. That was the most prominent lesson learned from your time at the Asia Branch, wasn't it? I guess I can't really blame you for being so goddamn depressing… At least you aren't a suicide risk.
Your previous life ended tragically and it is very likely that this one will, too. It's just that last time was so much better. I have a vague idea as to why this is so and I understand, to a degree. It's just that it's so difficult to be with a Second Exorcist after being with an Exorcist. That you were normal and in love last time and altered and jaded this time isn't what makes our renewed partnership so uncomfortable. The problem isn't that 'you' are in a new and abnormal body. It is hard to pinpoint exactly what is wrong, but I am fairly certain that the change in your outlook is what's causing me- causing us such grief. Last time you fought off death and wished to so much to live. This time you are hardly more that uncertain about death and force yourself to cling to life. As I said, you are very, very depressing, Kanda Yuu.
Unfortunately, you are also rather stupid. You don't want to be a masochist, but think that you have to be. You, being you, have decided that you must be a perfect masochist. (And you wonder why people think you're an idiot?) You, being you, have decided further that you must be perfect in all that you do. I find it amusing when, despite that he has no hope of ever beating you at swordplay, your petite Moyashi always kicks your ass in hand-to-hand combat. Indeed, I enjoy seeing you lose at anything. I wasn't lying when I said I don't want to cause you any further pain and, truly, I do not like seeing you in pain, but it is also true that I love to see your endless pride trampled.
Despite that you loudly proclaim your extreme dislike for the Moyashi's and the Usagi's antics, I know that you greatly enjoy your arguments, fights, and their pranks (so long as they aren't pulled on you). You even enjoy the rare quiet times you spend with them. You are so strange when it comes to all else that I really shouldn't be surprised at that which makes you happy. Honestly, I'm not sure if I should be amused by this or concerned that this might be another facet of your masochistic tendencies. I suppose I should just be pleased that you, as Second Exorcist, still find joy in anything, regardless of its source. Of course there is nothing that will convince me that those sorts of things don't make you happy- as you so adamantly claim- because not only are you masochist, you are also a sadist and enjoy beating on the baka red and baka white as much as you know they love riling you. You have known little more than violence, in any part of your life, so I guess I can't really blame you for this particular fault either.
I suppose I could draw similarities between you and your Moyashi seeing as there are parallels in your facades. And yet, though you will not be pleased by this comparison, you are undeniably more like to Aleister Crowley, or vice versa. In reasons- your motivation to fight and to live- the two of you are very much alike. In order to survive you both killed the ones you loved most. Your twisted Moyashi fights to atone, but you and Crowley fight because that is all that's left to give you purpose. Fighting is all you have to cling to in order to justify killing Alma and Eliade. The idea that this war and your part in it are necessary are the only things that let you sleep at night and force yourselves out of bed every morning.
You are so depressing and odd, Second Exorcist. Just the act of holding onto me causes you exquisite pain and yet you hold me dearer than almost anything else in your life. The pain reminds you why you fought to live then, why you must find 'that person,' why you fight now, and why you must fight until you or the war are done. The pain gives you purpose. Odd that the only way in which you are a normal Exorcist is that you drown yourself in contradictions. Odd that the one thing about you in your last life that I loathed has morphed into the one thing about you in this life that I can stand.
You've always been so poetic, so cliché… so tragic, Kanda Yuu. So why is it that this is the only thing about you that I can stand anymore?
So, what did you think? I know that I really like the beginning and most of the middle, but I'm undecided about the end. I'm not sure the end is so great, but I'm inventing these weapon personalities as I go so please be honest in your opinion, but not too harsh! Thanks for reading. Crowley will be up very soon!
