A/N: Hey guys, I know there were some improper grammar and spelling mistakes in my last chapter, so I'm going to try and fix that! Anyway, here is chapter 4!
Chapter 4: What You Wanted
Raegan's POV
I woke up from a dreamless sleep with a throbbing headache. "Ugh, I feel gross." I thought to myself, quickly throwing the sheets off of myself and running to the bathroom. Tearing off my clothes, I finally stripped down to nothing and turned the shower on, keeping the water at the hottest setting possible. I climbed in, and curled up on the floor of the tub as the hot, scalding water poured down on me.
And that's when the memories of the previous day hit me full force. What was I thinking? Why did I tell! Oh God, he's going to find me, he's going to hurt me! He told me not to tell!
Before I knew it, I was hyperventilating in the steamy hot shower, rocking back and forth in fetal position like a crazy person. I needed something, a release. Anything to just make me not feel this worry and pain. Anything to just help me forget, even if for a little while, about this problem I put myself in.
It was then when I noticed something I never have before, in the week I had spent here. Around the shower head hung a bath caddy, filled with sponges, scented bath salts, and other things. I quickly gathered to my feet, hoping I would find what I was looking for. I practically ripped the caddy open, rummaging through it with frantic hands. "Where is it?! I know they usually go in here!" I thought; panicked beyond belief. I needed a release! I needed it!
I finally found what I was looking for, at the bottom of the bag. I held it in my hands like fragile glass, admiring its beauty, and what it would mean. I would get my release! I could practically already feel it! Thank you, God!
I carefully picked the razor blade up in my hand with skill that came from years of practice, and maneuvered it across my left wrist. I always started off slow, letting the sharp, tingling pain set in. After the first few cuts, I started to move more desperately, sliding it across my arm in fast, painful strokes. "Oh, yes…God, yes!" I thought to myself excitedly, as the blade continued to fracture my skin. Even though each cut of the blade only caused a few seconds of absolute ecstasy, it was well worth it.
I finally stopped, deciding I didn't deserve this much pleasure. I stared down at my arm, the brand, new cuts bleeding light enough not to seriously hurt me, but heavy enough to make me look at them in fascination. I carefully rinsed all the excess blood off in the hot water.
I always hated the feeling you got after cutting, the guilty, regretful thoughts that invade your mind like a parasite. I slid down the wall of the shower, curling up once again, as salty, hot tears ran down my cheeks. I couldn't keep doing this to myself, I knew that. I only realized after it was done how stupid I was for even thinking of such a masochistic outlet to find my release. I didn't want to die, or at least not completely. Yeah, I was suicidal, but not to the extent of wanting to bleed to death.
I'm not exactly sure how I found out about cutting. Knowing me, I probably read it in a book. But I was desperate. There wasn't any other way to punish myself in a pleasurable way! Nothing in the world made me feel as satisfied, yet guilty like the cutting did. Finally, I stepped out of the shower, making sure all the blood was washed down the drain to remove all traces of what I just did. I wrapped myself in a towel, admiring my self-inflicted injuries.
After drying myself, I put on my clothes, which consisted of a pair of blue jeans, another oversized, knit sweater that was a dark blue, and my dark brown boots. Brushing my long locks, I twisted it up into a bun since it was still wet, and left the bathroom.
Just as I was about to head to my room, Emily came up around the corner, her arms folded across her chest. Her face looked serious, yet sympathetic, and her eyes were red from the crying yesterday. "We need to talk." She said.
Following closely behind her, we both took seats at the kitchen table, where it was obvious all serious discussions were, and would be held. "Raegan, I know you've had a week off and probably don't want to do this, but you need to go to school." She said carefully. I stared at her. "I signed you up in La Push High School. I know its October and you probably feel like everyone has already made friends, but you need to go anyway. You will start Monday, and since it's Saturday right now, you have about 2 days to prepare yourself. I bought all of your school supplies, and I was thinking, maybe you and I, and Paul, can go shopping for new clothes."
Of all the things that she was saying, only one made me backtrack. "Wait, Paul? Why would he have to come?"
"He's a senior, but he has some junior classes because he's…well, he's Paul. So you guys will probably see a lot of each other, and I want you both to get well acquainted. So you will already have a friend." Emily explained, looking at me nervously. There was obviously something she was not telling me. "Okay." I said after a few seconds. Emily looked up at me, surprised by my response. "Okay? That's it? No argument, no fighting? You're okay with this?"
"Yup."
"You're not mad at me for doing all this so suddenly?"
"Nope."
"Um…okay, well that was easier than I first thought. Now, here's the second thing I needed to talk to you about. I was wondering…well, after our talk yesterday…"
I froze. I thought we were past all this already! "…I was wondering if you wanted to, you know, see someone about this. Professionally."
"Like…Like a therapist?"
"No, no, think of it as a friend who is going to try and help you past this. I think it would be a good idea, don't you?"
I shook my head hurriedly. Did she realize how hard it was for me yesterday? Now she wants me to tell a complete stranger about what happened? "No, I'm fine. I don't need to see anyone." I said hurriedly. She looked at me with narrowed, worried eyes. "Are you sure, sweetie? There's no shame in wanting to talk it out with someone…."
"Aunt Emily, thank you, so much. For caring. But I don't need to see anyone. I've dealt with this all these years without having to see anyone, and I don't now, especially that I'm here. See, I'm okay!" I explained, putting on the fakest smile I could muster. Buying it, she nodded her head. "You promise me you will come to me if you feel like you need to talk?"
"Of course, Aunt Emily."
"Okay, well, pour yourself some cereal…or I could make you breakfast! Do you want eggs or something?"
"Cereal's fine with me."
"Alright, then…well, Paul will be here soon to pick us up to go to the mall-Oh, there he is now!"
Aunt Emily ran to the front door, opening it for Paul to come in. And there he was, in all his 6'7" glory, wearing a pair of khaki cutoffs and a tight, black v neck that outlined all his muscles. If I wasn't so creeped out by a lot of his behavior, I would probably be drooling. I quickly turned away, pouring Rice Krispies into a bowl, no milk, and sat back down at the table. He caught sight of me, despite the fact that I was solely focused on my cereal, and the familiar, wide, bright grin spread across his features. "Hi, Raegan. Whatcha got there?" he asked, sounding way too curious. I blushed. "Cereal."
"What kind?"
"Umm…Rice Krispies?"
He nodded, his grin still plastered to his face, as I tried to turn his attention away from me. Emily clapped her hands together. "So, are you both ready for shopping?" she asked excitedly. I shook my head slowly, while Paul nodded nonchalantly. Suddenly, the question I had since I arrived here rose, and I found the courage to ask. "A-Aunt Emily? Can I ask you something?"
"Sure!"
"Um…at my old school, they had an orchestra…I, um, I played violin…I didn't own one, because, ya know…so I was wondering…"
"You want to play violin here?"
I nodded my head hopefully, afraid of her response. She smiled happily. "Well, of course, Rae! I told you I want you to be happy here. There's a music store that's a few miles away from the mall. Paul, could you take us there after we go shopping?"
"Of course."
"Oh, no, you don't have to buy me one…"
"Nonsense! If you play, you should own one. No big deal. There's an orchestra at La Push High, I'm sure you could play for them!"
Relieved that this went smoothly, for the first time, I really smiled. "Thank you, a lot, Aunt Emily. It means…well, a lot." I said nervously. Enrapturing me in a surprising hug, I had no choice but to hug back.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
To say it was awkward on the way to the mall wouldn't be completely covering it. Aunt Emily had volunteered to sit in the back, so I sat up front with Paul. He kept sneaking glances at me, a happy smile on his face the whole ride. Neither of us made any attempt to start conversation, so when we finally got there, I let out a huge breath of air I didn't realize I was holding. "So, Raegan, where would you like to start?"
"Um…I've never really been shopping before…"
"What? Never been…Oh! Oh, I'm sorry! Okay, well there are a bunch of cute little stores around here. Let's see if anything catches your eye."
I nodded, kind of wishing to go back to the house already. Aunt Emily skipped up ahead, leaving Paul and I behind her. "So, you don't like shopping, huh?" he asked. I nodded, still not really looking at me. "Well, what do you like?"
"Books."
"Well, I think we established that when we went out to lunch. You know, I actually started reading 'Animal Farm'."
That caught me by surprise. "R-Really?" I asked timidly. He nodded. "Yeah. It's kind of confusing, because I keep on having to replace the characters with who they are supposed to represent in history. It's actually a good book because it's historical, you know?" he explained. I looked at him, dumbfounded. "You're really reading it?"
"Yeah! Why, are you surprised?"
"…Yes…"
"Why?"
"Well, I don't know…I didn't think you would really do it."
He looked at me with a smirk. "Well, I'm full of surprises." I simply nodded.
"Ooooh! Look, Rae, I found some cute blouses in this store that would look great on you!" Emily squealed. I pinched the bridge of my nose, praying inwardly to let this be over. Paul chuckled at me, making me blush terribly.
XXXXXXXXXXX
Paul's POV
We finally finished shopping, and we headed out of the mall. Climbing in my truck, Emily spoke excitedly about all the new clothes Raegan got, while Raegan just nodded along.
God, she was beautiful. Even when she was blushing. Her bashful personality made me want to get to know her even more. I wanted her to be more open. I wanted us to have a conversation that wasn't about books, although if that's all Raegan ever wanted to talk about, I would do it forever. Why was she so shy? Did I make her uncomfortable? I wanted to know so much about her. I could only hope she would one day be willing to share herself with me.
I remembered the old days, when I thought imprinting was for losers. I would hook up with as many random chicks as I could, never forming any emotional connections with them. I've had many, many girlfriends, but none of them were like Raegan in any way. I always thought my type would be blonde, big breasted, curvaceous women who wore clothes too small for their bodies. But Raegan wasn't like that at all. She was almost fairy-like in appearance, petite in all forms.
How could I have not wanted to imprint? I would always look at Sam and Emily, Kim and Jared in absolute disgust, repulsed by the idea of being 'pussy whipped'. But that's not how it was. Raegan didn't need to change me at all, because I was willing to change for her.
We finally pulled in to the music store, and Raegan, more excited than I ever saw her (although, to be serious, I only knew her for about a week) climbed out and practically ran inside. Emily and I carried on behind her.
Seeing Raegan's face when she opened the door to the store was something that would forever be engraved in my memory. An expression of excitement, delight, and bliss crossed her beautiful features, and I held onto this photogenic moment in my head to remember forever. "Oh my God, I love this!" she exclaimed happily, sounding absolutely tickled. Still in a daze from seeing this, I didn't notice her go upstairs to the string instruments section. "Paul?" asked a curious voice. Jumping in surprise, I saw that it was Emily, who was wearing a smirk and a raised eyebrow. "Why don't you go follow Raegan, I'll stay here and wait." She said, something in her voice I couldn't quite place. I nodded, gulping, and ran upstairs.
Searching for her, I heard a beautiful sound coming from the other side of the floor. Sad, melancholy, but overall mystical in quality, I looked over and saw Raegan, playing a cherry wood colored violin, pure focus in her blue-green eyes. Her mouth was ever so slightly agape as she played, her fingers flowing over the strings professionally. I stared at her, slack jawed, as she tuned out the world around her. The sad song that poured out of the instrument almost made me cry, which is something that never, ever happened. Finally, she put the violin down, and nodded her head in a pleased manner, as a consultant who was showing her the instruments spoke about pricing and care.
After about 15 minutes, Raegan ran up to me. "Hey," she said with a far-off voice, a smile on her face. "Hey, was that you playing?" I asked, knowing it was, and not really knowing why I asked. She nodded. "Yeah, I used to play since Elementary. Our school system had an arts program that didn't require you to pay any money to use the equipment, which definitely came in hand for me. If they didn't have that, I would have never gotten the chance to play."
"You were poor?"
Raegan froze in her step, and her smile disappeared. "Yes." She said quietly. Walking ahead of me, she went up to Emily at the register and they started talking.
Guilt hit me like a punch in the face. "You were poor?' God, Paul, get it together. You don't ask questions like that!" I mentally screamed at myself, wanting to punch myself.
Despite me feeling extraordinarily bad for my bluntness, I also felt a bit elated. I learned something about her. But what did it mean?
