A/N: Here's chapter 11, people! How will Raegan react to imprinting? Review, review, review!
Chapter 11: Someday My Pain Will Mark You
Raegan's POV
I was lost for words. What? Imprinting?
I knew the story of Taha Aki and the Third Wife from my first bonfire. I didn't really focus on it too much, it just sounded like any other romance book/movie I had ever seen. I knew, for a fact that these things just didn't exist. Love is crap. It doesn't make any sense because it doesn't exist. We just fool ourselves into believing we have feelings for someone else, when in fact we are all just willing to satisfy ourselves with the idea that someone accepts us. Or claims to, anyway.
"I-I don't understand." I whispered. Paul looked even more nervous now than when he told me he was werewolf-thing, and as much as I didn't like seeing him so uncomfortable, that was no comparison to how I was feeling. "Imprinting is supposed to be rare, but some people in the pack, like Sam, Quil, and Jared, and I have. It only happens to shape shifters, not regular people. It's like…when you see her, your imprint, you are bound to her for life. From first sight, she's your everything. Family, friends, responsibilities, air…they all seize to resemble any importance when you've found her. You will be whatever she needs you to be, and you will do anything she wants you to do. You love her with all your heart, no matter what happens, because at the end of the day, she makes you stronger. You are her, you are my imprint, Raegan." He explained softly.
No.
No, no, he was wrong, he didn't…not on me, no, no! Stuff like this is only for fairytales, it doesn't happen to real people. It's a mistake, it's got to be! "P-Paul, you're wrong." I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes. His face fell, and I almost started crying at the sight. "No, Raegan, I would never lie to you. Never. You are my imprint." He said softly. Doesn't he understand? It must be a glitch or something, I can't be his imprint. "N-No, Paul, this is a mistake, I'm not her, I'm not your imprint!" I exclaimed, starting to cry. "No, no, please, don't be sad, please! Imprinting is a good thing, Raegan! You are my imprint, and I couldn't be happier about it. There's no one in the world I would rather have by my side." He said hurriedly, taking my hands into his huge ones.
Quickly, I yanked my hands back. He doesn't understand. He can't, and he won't. His face was now a mixture of hurt and sadness, and although I felt guilty, he had to know this wasn't right. I wasn't right. "Paul, y-you don't get it, I can't be…I'm not, I'm sorry but it isn't me you want." I cried. His face now looked somewhat angry, and I started to back away. "What does that mean, Raegan?! Stop being cryptic! I did imprint on you, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me! I love knowing that you, of all people, are the reason I wake up every day! I've made so many mistakes, Rae, so many, but for the first time in my whole life, something has worked out for me, and I was lucky enough to imprint on you. You are perfect, Raegan. Absolutely perfect." He said seriously. I started full out sobbing, and he tried to take me in his arms, which I pushed away. "Stop! Paul, stop, please, I'm not perfect. You don't deserve to get someone like me. I'm…I'm damaged, Paul. I'm damaged goods. Love doesn't exist, or at least not for people like me." I sobbed. He looked absolutely heartbroken; torn at the seams. "Don't ever say anything like that, ever again. I swear to God, Raegan, you, you are the onethat's wrong. You are perfect in every way. You are not damaged goods, you aren't damaged at all. I love you, Raegan. I love you with every fiber of my body, please, don't do this." He begged.
I collapsed onto my knees, breathing erratically. He wouldn't feel this way when he knew my secret, my past. I felt so, so bad for him. He was stuck with me, and there was nothing he could do about it. He was set up with an accident, someone who shouldn't have been born, never mind loved. "Paul, you need to end this. Imprint on someone else, or something. I'm not…I'm not good for you. You deserve someone who's as awful as I am. You should have never gotten me." I explained. He looked flabbergasted, and his mouth was slightly agape. "I'm not sorry, Raegan! God, what is it that you don't understand?! You are not awful, not even close. I don't deserve someone as beautiful, kind, and sweet as you. I am lucky!" he yelled.
Getting up from my knees, I wiped off my pants, not bothering to rub my tears away. "P-Paul, I need to go."
"Let me take you-"
"No. I'm…I'm going to go home, please, Paul. I'm so, so, incredibly sorry. I…I can't do this. Go…Go find her. Your real imprint."
He stood there, watching me as I made my exit through the woods, looking more broken and sad than I've ever seen him. This wasn't something I wanted to do; I didn't mean to break his heart. But he had to realize that there was someone out there waiting for him, someone who wasn't me, and wasn't a mistake.
I made my way back to the bonfire, and Emily looked up at me with a smile, but it fell quickly as she saw my expression. "A-Aunt Emily, I want to go home." I whispered. She nodded sympathetically, and with a yell to Sam, she practically had to pull me to the car. I tuned out, not caring about anything her and Sam were whispering about, remembering the look on Paul's face. I didn't want to cause him that much pain, and looking back, I felt horrified. But there wasn't anything else I could have done. Now, maybe he has a better chance at being happy.
When we got home, I walked slowly to the bathroom, and after making sure the door was locked, I turned on the shower. It was on its coldest setting, but I didn't care. I couldn't feel anything, and as I searched the shower caddy for my release, I quickly found it.
I started crying hysterically as the blade hit my tender flesh, the reality of not doing this for so long had been hit me hard. The blood ran down my arm like a river, and I couldn't stop. Despite the good feelings I used to get from cutting, this just felt…wrong. The guilt that usually came up after my self-inflicted pain rose before I even started, but I needed to find my relief. I had cut a little deeper than usual, but I was okay.
That's when I realized something. What if I hit an artery or something? What if I cut too much? I knew I hadn't, but what would happen?
I wouldn't care. If I died, it would make it a lot easier for everyone; for Aunt Emily and Sam, for Kim, Brady and Collin, for Paul. Although I wasn't sure whether I would commit suicide or not, I knew that the outcome would be good. Everyone would get on without me; they would all be okay.
I shut off the cold water, changing into a sweatshirt and sweatpants. Walking to my room, Emily sat on my bed, sorrow written all over her face. And I instantly started crying.
Comforting me like a mother should, she held me in her arms as I sobbed. She would coo occasionally in my ear, rubbing circles in my back. "Shhh, everything's going to be okay. You're alright, Rae." She whispered. She was much like the mom I never had, the mother I should have gotten.
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After a while, my tears stopped, and I stared ahead of me like I was dead. "So, Paul told you about being a wolf?" she asked quietly. I nodded my head, unable to give any other response. "And…and he told you about the imprint." she stated softly; it wasn't a question. A few tears leaked out, but I wiped them away. "He…he should have imprinted on someone else." I muttered, my voice raspy. She gave me a strange look, and released herself from her grasp. "Why would you say something like that?" she asked seriously. I shrugged, almost laughing at her incredulous expression. "Because it's true. He doesn't know about what happened in South Dakota, Aunt Emily. He won't like me after I tell him, he will know what I am. I'm damaged." I whispered. Shaking her head furiously, she took my face in both her hands. "Raegan Young, I will slap the hell out of you if you ever think that way again. You are not damaged, and what that poor excuse for a man did to you wasn't your fault. You are no less of a person for what happened, and you are one of the bravest people I know. Paul imprinted on you, and there isn't any way to reverse it. But, knowing Paul, he's happy. He will be whatever you need: a friend, a brother, or a lover. He accepts you as you are, no matter how bad you think you are." She explained.
"I'm…I'm scared, Aunt Emily. He says he loves me, but I don't know." I whimpered. She sighed sadly. "Then give him the chance to show you. I know that you haven't had a lot of love in your life, but he does really care about you. Please, at least consider what I'm telling you."
With that, she left, and for the rest of the night, I knew I had a lot to think about.
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Paul's POV
"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" I internally screamed at myself. Shortly after Raegan left, I phased, and I was now running through the woods with so more anger than I ever had before. The nearby trees were getting the worst of it, most of them now knocked down and ripped to shreds. "Paul, what the hell?" said a voice that entered my head, one that I quickly realized was Sam. "Fuck my life! I can't do anything right!" I screamed. Sam quickly ran over to me and pinned me on the ground. "Calm yourself, what happened? Raegan looked really upset!" he yelled back, and an image of Raegan crying passed into my head. It felt like my heart had completely torn in two. I collapsed onto my stomach, whimpering in pain as I thought of my beautiful imprint, my best friend, crying because of me. "The wolves and stuff didn't even freak her out, Sam. She barely blinked an eye. She said I was still her 'best friend', and she didn't care that I was different. But when I told her about the imprinting…everything just went wrong…"
Sam looked at me sadly, obviously empathizing. His mind was scattered, trying to withhold information so I couldn't see and his thoughts were going by too fast for me to decipher. "Paul…remember when Emily told you to be careful with her? To be patient?"
"…Yeah?"
"…Her reaction was like that…because of the reason Emily told you to do those things."
Oh. I…I hadn't even thought of that, I thought she was just rejecting me! I didn't think it had anything to do with her secrets, I should have been more sensitive, I should have told her in a better way….!
"Paul, I guess I can't restrict you from seeing her tonight. I realize that you need to see her more than ever, the imprint bond is strained since…she, um, pushed you away…so if you choose…"
"Thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh God Sam, you just saved my life."
"Now listen, just because I'm letting you see her doesn't mean she will react any differently than before. But at least you can try to redeem yourself."
With that, I sprinted off towards her house, scenarios playing in my head that I knew would never happen but were nice to think about.
When I finally reached the property, I phased back and sniffed the air to find the window to her bedroom. As I searched the perimeters of the house, I suddenly came across the scent of vanilla and cinnamon, and jumped up onto the sill. She was lying on her bed, face buried in her pillow as her back rose and fell convulsively as she cried. I heard her angry sobs from outside, and the overwhelming scent of her tears was enough to make a burning sensation course through my chest. Knocking timidly, I silently prayed to whatever God existed that she would forgive me. She scanned the room skeptically, her bloodshot eyes looking for the source of the noise. I knocked again, a bit louder and she literally jumped at the sight of me. "Paul, what are you doing?!" she whispered harshly, pulling me into her room. "I…I need to apologize. Raegan, I'm so, so sorry." I pleaded, and tears sprang to my eyes.
Raegan sighed sadly, but offered me no comfort. "There's nothing to apologize for, Paul. I-I'm not your imprint." She said seriously. I shook my head furiously, moving closer to her. "Raegan, I did imprint on you. No matter how much you don't believe it, I did. Now there are some things I need to explain to you." I replied. I sat us both down on her bed, giving us enough space so I could look her in the eye. "I imprinted on you, and there isn't anything that can, or will change that. I'm asking you to believe me. I couldn't have, and can't, imprint on anyone else, and I would never want to. I don't…I don't know what your secrets are, and as much as I care about you, they don't matter to me, because they don't affect how I feel about you. There isn't anything in the world that would make my feelings go away. I know you don't feel like you deserve love, but Raegan, you do. Everyone deserves love. And nothing in your past should prevent you from that. So all I'm asking you is for a chance. A chance to show you that you are worthy, that you can be happy. Let me be the person to do this." I explained.
Tears fell from her eyes, and I moved even closer, sitting side by side, as I used my thumb to wipe away those signs of sadness. "F-Fine. I believe you. You imprinted on me. Now what? Y-You won't feel any of that when I tell you…when I tell you about what happened in South Dakota. Y-You're going to be disgusted by me, and you won't…"
"I won't, what?"
"…You won't l-love me anymore."
I carefully placed my massive hands on her waist and sat her on my lap. She froze up, but quickly relaxed into me. "Raegan, sweetheart, I will never, ever be disgusted by you. I will always love you, no matter what happens. I know it's going to take time to get you to believe that, but I will do everything I can to make sure that you know I care about you more than anyone else in the world. And it's not the imprint making me say this. In the last month and a half that I've gotten to know you, you've made me happier than I have ever been. So let me love you."
Raegan let out a sob, and buried her head in my chest. My hold around her tightened as I consoled this beautiful, crying girl, my fingers raking through her long wavy hair. "Shhhhh, I'm here." I soothed. She wrapped her arms around my neck, and I breathed a breath of relief. "I-I'm so s-sorry, P-Paul. R-Really." She cried. I shook my head at her, she's so silly. How could she apologize, she did nothing wrong!
She could never do anything wrong.
"Rae, there is no need to apologize. I'm just happy you are giving me a shot." I whispered into her ear. She looked up at me, but not meeting my eyes. "I…I don't know if I-I can do a r-relationship or anything, Paul." She said quietly. I brushed her hair out of her face. "You don't need to do anything, okay? Nothing needs to change. We can still be best friends, like before. I will be whatever you need me to be, a brother, a friend, or something further than that."
She smiled a little, and I smiled back. "I-I want it to be like before, if that's…if that's okay. Being your sister would be weird."
I chuckled. "What, you wouldn't want me to be your brother?" I said as I rocked her back and forth. "Ew no, why would I want to be related to you?" she joked, her voice still raspy from crying, but sounding much better. "Hey, I will have you know, I think I would make a great sibling. I'd be the cool one."
"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Paulie."
I raised an eyebrow, tightening my hold on her slightly; smirking. "Oh yeah? Tell me I'd be a good brother!" I demanded as I flipped her over and instantly started tickling her stomach. She burst into laughter, writhing around spastically as I forced a response from her. "Tell me!" I teased. "O-O-Okay! Fine! Y-You'd be a good brother!" she complied, her face red and smile bright on her face. "Now was that so hard?"
"I guess not. But I still wouldn't want you to be my brother. You're my best friend."
And with that, I knew everything was going to be okay.
