AN: Sorry for the delay, and thanks for your lovely reviews.
A tornado is as close to an example as could be used to describe what had happened in the lives of Jane, Maura and Rosario. Violent feelings had rotated between and around them from the second Maura and Jane had laid eyes on each other, leaving nothing but disaster in their wake. It had been unforeseen, and had happened very quickly, affecting not only the parties involved, but everyone else in their vicinity.
It had started with the two close friends – Rosario and Jane. After Maura dumped her and walked out of her apartment as if she was trying to beat some sort of record, Rosario had called Jane. She needed someone to talk to, someone to unload her grief on. And who better than a friend. Except, Jane wasn't available to help with that. Jane was pushing her own wheelbarrow of hurt. Rosario called her numerous times and left uncountable voice messages. All went with no response, until the woman had sought comfort from her brothers. All of which had no explanation as why Maura would do such a thing.
Jane had cried after bidding Maura good bye. She wasn't sure where the strength to let Maura walk away had come from, but she let her go and didn't follow. The last bit of energy she had was spent on her boss Cavanaugh. She called him and requested a two week off period. It was evident to her that she was going to need more time than that, but she started of at two weeks anyway. Her hope was that maybe by that time she would at the very least be able to just do her job – forget all other social activities.
Rosario was more confused than anything else to be honest. It had hurt really bad after happening, but as the days went by, the dominant feeling was confusion. Why had Maura broken up with her? The poor woman spent hours upon hours searching her memory for where she could have gone wrong, but she came up blank.
What ultimately led to her complete agitation was Jane. Her friend had almost disappeared. They spoke on the phone very briefly, with Jane always having to 'take care of something' only two minutes into every call. And Jane's sudden leave had also made the medical examiners job much more challenging. She now had to deal with a replacement detective that 'sucked balls', in everyone's opinion. It was all basically just confusing and fucked up – at best.
And then there was Angela and Jane's brothers that badgered Rosario all convinced that the woman knew what was wrong with Jane. They wouldn't believe that she was just as much in the dark as they were. They eventually left her in peace after learning of her break-up with Maura.
What made everyone generally give Jane space was the fact that certain tendencies had been borne from her fathers death. This particular one was one of them. After Frank died, Jane dwelled in solitude for almost a month. And this seemed to happen every so often if something challenging had attacked her. Jane stayed in her apartment and spoke to everyone for no more that two minutes claiming she was alright all the time. It happened after Hoyt, after her break-ups with Casey and Dean, and also after very hard cases. So it wasn't such a big deal that she had taken two weeks off and was alone in her apartment. What bothered everyone was that not a single one of them had any idea what had happened – not even a clue in fact. There was nothing to draw from. None of the previous triggers had present themselves, and it was nowhere close to Frank's anniversary.
When Rosario called Maura, the blonde never picked up. After each call, she resorted to sending a text message to Roe. The messages had become almost like templates – always the same basic words : Hello, I hope you are doing well. Take care. The blonde never acknowledged the call that had been missed, or ever attempted to say anything else. It always was the same words, regardless of what the voicemail Rosario left said.
It pained Rosario that their relationship could come to what it had, but she was a smart woman and knew when to take a hint. A week after Maura left was the last time she called the blonde – after days of more than three phone calls a day. She sent the blonde a final voicemail letting her know she wouldn't be bothered again, and that was that. The last thing she wanted was Dr Isles pressing harassment charges, because truth be told, she was starting to feel as if she was harassing her ex girlfriend.
Maura, unlike the two women she left in Boston, hadn't been depressed. She had thrown herself into her work and left no time for dwelling on her heartache. She had zero tolerance for 'what if's' and 'maybe's'. The medical examiner took all the shifts she could, and had only time for sleep when she got home. At work, she had compartmentalization down to an art, there was no question. When Rosario's phone calls and voice messages came, her heart shattered all over again. How she had managed to hurt someone so much was beyond her. It was unintentional, but it was hurt all the same.
Maura dreaded to let her thoughts venture into the 'Jane box' of her brain and heart. That was so sore an experience it left her utterly fatigued and weepy. She had broken down on a few occasions, but always picked herself up again, and rallied on. But on top of all her negative emotions, a new one began to surface. Maura felt worried – for herself. She had a brief understand of the repercussions of events undealt with. She was pushing her Jane issue to the side, instead of dealing with it head on and sorting it out whichever way possible. Whatever was to come of it, she knew, was only going to be worse than what had already happened.
It was a week after leaving Boston that she got the voicemail from Rosario saying she was never going to be contacted again. As tragic as it seemed, perhaps more so to Rosario, for Maura it served as a stepping stone. She wasn't sure how, or why, but it seemed the fact that Rosario had finally let go opened the gates for her to now deal with herself. Subconsciously she had felt terrible, sorting out her inner turmoil while Rosario suffered with hers. It didn't seem fair to the blonde to sort her emotional life when Roe's was still unsettled. So that's why she had put the whole Jane thing aside and just focused on her work. But now that she knew Rosario was somewhat better – not so much, but better nonetheless – she felt she could at least do herself the honors of dealing with her problems.
The only help Maura could get was professional help, she really had no one else. So Maura had made an appointment with a shrink for the very next day. Being the very frank person she was, it took only the first two-hour session for the lady psychologist to fully diagnose Maura. The next day, on her second session, the woman had allowed Maura to share suggestions of how she thought she could move on after Jane. As it turned out, there was no moving on from Jane. They had an in-depth session and another the next day, only to both come to the conclusion that Maura and Jane needed to maybe meet and talk it out some more since their previous encounters had been guarded, brief, and stolen. Maura, unlike her shrink, didn't fool herself into thinking there were words that could be exchanged between herself and Jane that could make it possible for them to move on with their lives apart.
It was two days shy of the two-week off period Jane had taken. Two days left for her to return to work and she only felt worse that she did the day Maura left. Jane was yet again sitting on the stool in front of her piano, fingers hurting from the excessive playing she'd done for days now. It was December, and the snow and done a number on Boston. Jane stood by her window, mug of hot chocolate in hand as she watched life go by outside. The roads looked dirty, the piles of snow and grit and whatever all mixed up on the ground. Everyone outside went about their business with urgency, indicating that they weren't fond of being outside for any longer than was necessary.
Jane wondered what the most powerful thing on earth was. She always felt as if the answer was always right there under her nose, but she could never get to it. For sometime she'd thought it was love, other times death, and other times hate. But she realized it wasn't any one of those things.
Wasn't love a decision a person made, or a feeling that they couldn't control. It was wonderful at best, and hurtful at worst, but it could be found, and lost. It hurt, but people heal, and it can be replaced or forgotten.
And death was a mystery right? People really have no knowledge of what happens to the deceased. Of course they can't be replaced, but death can be accepted. It is a normal process of life with no 'why me?' question – it happens to everyone. It hurts but we move on, because there is really nothing anyone can do about the inevitable.
And then there is hate, which is a very negative emotion. Some people use it as a copying mechanism or its simply just manufactured when someone actually makes you hate them. But hate doesn't have to hinder or ground us, despite the fact that it doesn't really bring any good.
Jane learnt about death when her father died. She learnt all those things no one tells you about it, things people gloss over and things people who are not confronted with it don't even know. The detective knew hate the period Hoyt entered her life. She'd never imagined an emotion that destructive could be so strong. She'd never in her life thought she would ever want to actually purposefully end someone's life. And love was defined to her just recently by Maura Isles. It was all the things left unsaid about love that for Jane became the meaning of it.
Jane was mulling over this seriously when her phone rang. She wasn't eager to pick it up, but knew from experience that it was only better to get the quick conversation over with. Because ignoring it meant it would ring again and again, until something worse like her mother showing up happened.
She didn't even look at the caller ID when she picked it up and heard a fearful, ''Jane?'', on the other side of the line.
And like an epiphany, it dawned on her, what she'd been wondering these past minutes looking into the cold Boston streets. The most powerful thing on earth – to her knowledge – was a connection. The pull between herself and Maura was too potent to ignore. The past twelve days had been a total waste of time, not even including the days Maura was actually in Boston. Just the sound of her name from Maura's lips was enough to make her want to….''Jane'', it wasn't a question anymore. Maura could feel Jane on the other end of the line – not breathing.
''How…how are you'', Jane whispered, frantically checking around her apartment as if someone would be eavesdropping.
''Jane I…''. Maura had thought it through before she called, but now the words eluded her. There was one thing that resonated for Maura though. The one sentence she had recalled during her second session of therapy. On that fateful day her and Jane had bid farewell to each other Jane had said, ''we can't be together Maura – NOT HERE''. And that's what Maura had hung on to, was hanging onto. ''Is this a good time?'', Maura asked her, unnecessarily stalling for time.
''Its okay Maura. How did you uhhh, get my number?''
''I called the Boston Police Department, I hope you don't mind'', Maura said shyly.
''It's okay'', and a painful silence descended upon them, until...''Why…I mean…Roe'', Jane couldn't get the question right. She wanted to ask why Maura had broken up with Roe – stupid as the question was. What she probably wanted to know was what Maura's intentions where. She was also trying to say she's sorry about the turn of events, but nothing was quite coming out right. ''I was thinking of you'', she admitted quietly.
''Me too''. It was scary, how they had the other on their mind all the time, and yet in this instance it was just not possible to not reach out. ''I tried Jane'', Maura told her. ''I'm sorry I couldn't stay away''
''Don't apologize, I probably would have called you soon'', she chuckled nervously. Her cup of hot chocolate now sat on the table as she lay on the couch, head resting on the armrest.
''I want to be with you'', Maura confessed. And there wasn't anything in her life that had been any truer than that statement. ''I want to do this''
''How?'', came a defeated response from the brunette. She really couldn't see how they could do it.
''You said we couldn't be together there'', Maura said tentatively.
''Maura'', Jane warned. Those thoughts had fleeted through her mind over the past three days especially. But she still wasn't sure how that would work out.
''We can make it work Jane'', Maura said more strongly. The blonde knew one of them had to be the stronger person for their 'not-yet-relationship', and something told her no matter the confidence Jane had, her loyalty wouldn't allow her to make a move. She'd die in pain than hurt Rosario any more than she already had. ''I can't say it will be easy, but if we both commit to it we can do this''
''Maura'', Jane tried to stop her again. She was starting to see where the conversation was going and it was scaring her how a small flicker of hope was already making itself known.
''I will go anywhere for you Jane, anywhere'', Maura said surely. ''We can move to whatever state you want, or even a different country if that would be better. If that's too much you could come here Jane. You could get a job and we could be together. If all of that isn't to your liking, I will come to Boston''
''You said you never wanted to move back to Boston because of your biological parents'', Jane stated. She'd say anything to get herself back to solid ground.
''Some things are more important than that. For you I would move back to Boston''
Jane sighed loudly. Moving to Boston was completely out of the question. She wouldn't know how to face everyone. ''Boston is out of the question'', she heard herself say. Am I really considering this? She asked herself.
''Okay'', Maura said patiently. ''So what-''
''Why did you break-up with Rosario?''
''Because I'm in love with you'', Maura said simply.
''You broke her heart''
''I know. And it will be a really long time until I can forgive myself for that. It was the best choice I had given the options''. Jane understood what Maura was talking about, she didn't even know why she was asking.
''Have you thought all of this through Maura?'', Jane wondered.
''I have thought about some aspects, yes. But certainly not everything''
''What have you thought about so far?'', Jane asked in an all of a sudden amused voice.
''I've thought that not being with you is torturous'', Maura said with amusement of her own. ''And I decided that you and I should talk and come to a conclusion about how we can be together. I can't'', Maura paused, afraid of uttering her next words but having to say them either way. ''I can't ask you to leave your family and friends, and your job and your life there in Boston. It's too much to ask, and I'm sure it's something you wouldn't do…'', she was going to finish off with 'for me' but the words were too painful for her to say.
Jane heard those last two words anyway. ''I love you Maura. What makes you think I wouldn't do that for you?''
''It's too much''
''Am I not supposed to be the one to say when something is too much for me?''
''Yes'', Maura nervously chuckled. The tone of the conversation had turned from reserved and depressing at the beginning, to charming and heartfelt.
''What about Rosario?'', and like that the unspoken words where let out like air from a balloon.
''That's up to you Jane. If you feel we should tell her I wouldn't object. I don't know what happens in situations like these Jane. I have absolutely nothing to draw from which makes it the more difficult''
''I haven't been able to face her'', Jane confided. ''I don't think I have ever felt so bad in my life''
''Haven't you been working together?''
''I took two weeks off from the day you left''. Maura was surprised to hear this, she had wondered what the brunette's copying mechanisms were. And now that she knew Jane had actually taken time off work, she was sure she wasn't the only one taking it so badly''
''I started seeing a therapist three days ago'', the blonde blurted.
Silence enveloped them once again, each taking in what the other had just shared about how they handled their separation.
''I hadn't put much thought into moving'', Jane said slowly. ''I don't know how I can manage away from my family. And I don't know what I can do about my job''
The mere fact that Jane was even considering this made Maura start to tear up. She'd imagined that Jane would need considerable coaxing to start to even begin to deliberate this. She didn't even want to be that selfish anyway, she'd done enough wrong as it was. But Just as she was about to speak, Jane's voice penetrated her thoughts, ''Hold on Maura, there's someone at the door''. The blonde could hear the irritation in Jane's voice as she shuffled about taking herself to see who had intruded their conversation.
From her end, Maura heard a very deep ''fuck'', before Jane audibly breathed in and hurriedly spoke to her, ''I'll call you back, I gotta go''. Before Maura could even say anything, the phone went dead.
Rosario Dawson stood over the threshold looking disappointed. As a detective, Jane didn't even have to ask, or guess. She knew Rosario knew, just from the look on her face. Her only question was how? So she stood there quietly, before stepping aside to let, who she hoped was still her friend, in.
Roe walked in with her hands in her pockets, and turned to face Jane, leaning her back on the kitchen counter. ''Did you sleep with her?'', came a blunt question from a very purposeful Roe.
''No'', Jane rasped, unwilling to even play stupid for a second.
It had taken time for Rosario to put the pieces together. She was smart yes, but the idea of her straight friend doing anything stupid with her gay girlfriend hadn't even occurred to her. But after much wondering, and deliberating, it began to come to her. It was the day after calling Maura and telling her that would be the last of her calling. She had sat in her bed that night and cried, wondering once again, where she had gone wrong. And with a much clearer mind, she had started to trace all the events from the day Maura got to Boston, and somehow it all started to make sense.
Maura and Jane had seemed strange from the time she made it downstairs on Thanksgiving when the two had met for the first time. She had brushed it off as nerves from both parties at the time. And then Rosario remembered Thanksgiving dinner, the two were just...weird. It wasn't that both of them together were acting funny, no. It was that both of them as individuals were acting out of character. She knew Jane, and she knew Maura, so she could tell when something was off.
And that is when Maura's character began to be stand-offish. When they went for to the theatre that night, Rosario remembered how Maura had put an extra effort to make Jane comfortable, and how Jane had hardly looked at her 'date'. Maura and Jane had spent that afternoon together by the way. And Saturday they had gone to the wedding together. And Jane had left abruptly. Obviously something had happened, because she remembered how dejected Maura had looked.
That's when the 'sickness' began. Leaving them to abandon Sunday dinner because Maura wasn't up to it, and wouldn't say what the problem was. On Monday she had left the two together again, and Maura only looked worse when she got back. The icing on the cake was Tuesday. Her girlfriend was totally out of it, and as a result, had dumped her out of nowhere.
Rosario felt like an idiot. She had missed all of the signs. Was she just so happy that her girlfriend was in town? Was she too occupied with work, and the holiday? She didn't understand, and quite frankly felt like an ass. It didn't help that she hadn't even pieced the puzzle right after Maura left. Jane had just closed herself off and remained in solitude. She didn't comfort her the way a normal friend would after you lose a loved one. She had only offered a few words of comfort and got off the line. And Maura had not once spoken with her. Yes, the signs were all there, she was just fucking blind and in love – turned blind and hurt.
But after two days of realization and putting herself in order, she was ready to confront her friend. So here she was, standing in Jane's apartment demanding answers.
''This started the moment you saw her right?'', Rosario asked a question she already had an answer for, wanting to hear it from the brunettes lips.
''Yes'', Jane was going to go with nothing but the truth – Rosario deserved nothing less.
''Why?''
''I don't know'', Jane said honestly, standing a little further from her friend.
''Thought you weren't into women'', Roe said bitterly, the first emotion Jane could identify after the disappointment from when Roe walked in.
''Roe, if you just let me-''
''No! Let me do the speaking here''
Jane nodded, feeling ashamed by what she'd done to her friend.
''Do you love her?''
Painfully, Jane answered ''Yes''
''And her?''
This was the hard part. The whole mutual feelings thing. It would have been so much better if she just loved Maura and Maura didn't feel the same. Then again, they wouldn't have been in this situation. Jane didn't want to speak for Maura, didn't want to have to say those words to Roe, even if she knew the answer.
''I asked Jane, does she love you too?''
''Roe-'', Jane tried to stop her.
''Just answer the damn question Jane'', Roe shouted.
''Yes'', Jane choked on her whisper. She couldn't look her friend in the face.
''So you were talking about all this behind my back. How could you?''
''It wasn't-''
''Don't tell me that it wasn't like that. The time when I entrusted you with her, what were you….making out and laughing at me?''
''We never-'', Jane stepped towards her friend.
''Don't you fucking say that. You are my friend Jane – like a sister to me. Of all the women to try your homosexuality on, you picked her''
Jane didn't know how to stop her friend, she was fuming now.
''She dumped me Jane'', her voice cracked. ''Was that because of you? Did you two plan this?''
''We never-''
''Oh 'we' now'', Roe let out a bitter laugh. ''You guys are a 'we' now. I was concerned about her being with my brothers, or with Tommy, but never you'', she pointed her finger at the still detective. ''I would have expected this from one of the boys, but you Jane''
''We didn't-''
''Again with the 'we'. Can you just stop that please'', she actually pleaded. ''I loved that woman, I love her. And you knew it. Why would you hurt me this way Jane? What have I ever done so wrong to you that you felt the need to crush me like this?''
Jane wanted to speak, but was afraid of being interrupted again.
''I trusted you Jane'', Rosario began to openly cry. ''And you and my girlfriend went behind my back'', she covered the sobs with her hand, hating that her friend couldn't even comfort her at such a time.
''So what….you guys are in a relationship now?''
''No'', Jane rasped.
''So what are you doing?'', Roe looked at her sternly. She was furious, but she still cared for Maura. She didn't want the blonde to be toyed with if Jane was just experimenting with her sexuality.
Jane was about to say 'we' but caught herself really fast, ''Me and Maura aren't doing anything''
''So she left me, but she isn't with you?''
''Yes''
Rosario shook her head at the absurdity of the situation. Truth is, she seriously didn't get it – what Jane and Maura were up to exactly.
''Will you please give me two minutes to explain myself?'', Jane pleaded. ''Please''
Rosario didn't want, but ultimately she acquiesced. It was answers that she had come for after all. So Jane began to explain what had transpired between herself and Maura. Granted there were details she left out, but she got the majority of it. Rosario's facial expressions had varied immensely. She'd been surprised, hurt, angry, intrigued, confused, downright pissed and curious. She couldn't say it really made sense to her in all honesty, but the part of her that always trusted Jane still did, even though she didn't want to.
''Have you talked to her since she left?'', Rosario asked curiously.
Shit shit shit, Jane cursed. It seemed like things were finally looking up between them – just a little. Jane prayed to the Lord that when she answered 'yes' Rosario wouldn't asked her 'when?'. Because that was going to surely cause a hell of a lot more anger. Lucky for her, Rosario didn't wish to know the exact timing of the call, or the details of the conversation.
''I'm going to go now'', Roe finally announced.
''I'm so sorry'', Jane said again. Roe knew Jane, she could see it. She was angry that she'd lost her girlfriend to her friend, but she was glad that the two had at least respected her. That was probably all someone could ask for from a fallen relationship right?
''I know'', she said as she walked to the door, then turned to Jane before stepping out, ''If you guys decide to be together, go ahead. Just please don't do it in my face'', and she was out.
AN: So next chapter will be an epilogue and that's it. Will try to get that out by Tuesday at the latest. Thanks a lot guys.
