My appetite had always been a part of my personality that usually won out over anything else I was feeling (if it became veracious enough). But when I had made a small dinner for myself I could only force down a few bites. I felt nauseous, unable to get the realization of my predicament out of my head. I pushed the plate away and tried as hard as I could to keep my stomach from returning what little I had eaten. I was glad when I had made it all the way down to the creek behind my house without hurling. I felt around for any sign of people and when I found none, I pulled my clothes off and walked into the cool water. Maybe if I bathed in something untainted my human hands I would feel clean. But when I dragged myself from the shallow water, I knew it was useless. I pulled my clothes on and curled up on the bank. No one ever came this far out of the city (and certainly not unannounced onto Toph Beifong's land) so I felt at least a little comforted that someone wouldn't find me out here like this. But when my thoughts drifted back to everything, I felt so sick again at the thought of what happened to me, I couldn't hold down what little food I had managed to eat. I felt like I was just going to die.

The next two weeks went by in much the same way. I had settled into a numbness and had put walls around all memories of that night so I wouldnt remember. I couldn't eat much and I took usually two or three baths a day, desperate to feel clean again, but all the while knowing it was hopeless. I slept a lot and avoided going to the city to get food. It didn't matter, I would have plenty left in the cupboards considering how little I could manage to eat anymore.

And then another week went by and then another. I had finally become a least a little less of a zombie and was able to take notice of the birds singing outside of my windows again. But I didn't take much joy in their songs anymore.

I awoke one morning feeling in a good mood, well a good mood compared to what I had been feeling. I allowed myself to think of going back into the city to get some necessities. I even let myself dwell on something funny that Sokka had done years ago, even if I couldn't quite remember what it was, but I think I smiled a little.

It was that day that my whole world came crashing down around me again. And if I thought things fell hard last time, I had another thing coming.

I went to use the restroom and then I remembered something. How long had it been? I frantically counted the days up in my head. No. I washed my hands and laid out on my bed. Maybe it was just one of those things, maybe my body just didn't feel like having a period this month and that was all it was. Yeah that was all it was. I'd give it another month and then I would allow myself to jump to conclusions.

But when I woke up the next morning, I puked my guts out. I brushed my teeth and tried to keep myself from shaking. I just had a little flu bug. That was all.

For a month I woke up every morning before the sun had even risen and vomited. On the last day of the month, I sat against the wall of my bathroom and cried. No period again. My entire little body shook as I sobbed. It couldn't be happening to me. There was life growing inside of me, no matter how badly I didn't want it there. I wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my face behind my knees. What was I supposed to do?

I had to get help, I didn't know what to do! It wasn't exactly like I had been planning on having a baby anytime soon! Maybe I could send a message to Katara. No that was a terrible idea! Then Sokka and Aang would find out. No, they couldn't know anyone had done something to me, I was too ashamed of myself to tell them. Well...I had heard of those people who could do something and make it go away...

No. Absolutely not. I wasn't going to get rid of this little life just because it was inconvenient, albeit incredibly inconvenient. Even if it was always going to be a reminder of that man I wasn't going to kill this thing inside of me. But I had to do something, I had to tell someone. And right then there was a knock at my door. My heart started beating out of my chest. I hadn't been around people since that night and there was a fear-stricken part of my mind that it would be him at the door.

But no...I recognized that heartbeat. I wasn't sure if I was elated or if I was horrified he was here. But I opened the door anyway.

"Hi Sokka," I choked out.

"Hey, I thought I was in the area and I thought I'd stop by!" He said in his usual chipper voice. I lowered my burning cheeks and turned my back to him and walked into the living room. How could I tell him? Maybe he wouldn't notice anything was wrong. Well they would find out eventually, it wasn't like you just hide a 9 month pregnant belly.

"How's everyone doing?"

"Great! Katara and Aang have kind of hit a dull spot on all the traveling and have been back home for three months. If you ask me I'd say he'll be proposing to her within the year. And I heard Zuko is-" he stopped short. His head was in one of the cupboards. "Geez Toph, don't you ever eat anymore?" I folded my hands in my lap. No.

"Well, you know, I haven't really gone to town recently but I'm fine. Anyways about Zuko," I prompted hoping to draw his attention away from my lack of food. I frowned when my voice rang out hollow and void of much of anything but sadness.

"Hey, are you alright?" He asked turning around and looking at me.

No. "Yeah, I'm fine. So how long can you stay?"

"For as long as you'll have me. I cleared my schedule to come visit you. Are you sure you're ok?"

"Of course I am, I'm the greatest earth bender ever!" What a joke. How could I possibly even call myself that when I can't even watch my own back. "So anyways about Zuko."

"Oh yeah! Well the last time we visited all three of us kind of noticed that Mai and Zuko were like super happy."

"What's so strange about that?"

"Well, its not really but come one, we're talking about Mr. and Mrs. Gloomy here." Toph felt a little smile grace her lips. "So anyways, Katara said she noticed they were all touchy feely and Mai in particular seemed to be in an exceptionally good mood. And being that I'm a genius and all, I predict that they should be announcing news of an heir anytime now." And that's what made me want to vomit. My stomach flip flopped and I felt all the dread of everything that had happened in the last two months come back to the front of my mind. I turned my face away from him and willed myself not to cry.

"Whoa, what's wrong, Toph?" I felt him sit on the couch next to me just as a tear slid down my cheek.

"Uh, nothing, yay babies! What good news! How 'bout that."

"Why are you crying?" Well there was no denying I was crying so that plan was shot down.

"I'm just uh so happy for them."

"The Toph Beifong I know does not cry because she's happy."

"Well, I do now."

"Don't lie to me." His voice was serious and completely void of any kind of humor. It made me feel pinned. I got up and turned my back to him.

"I don't want to talk about it ok...at least not right now."

"Alright, but promise me that if you ever need anything, just let me know ok."

"I promise." It wasn't something I wanted to agree to but maybe it would get him off my back.

"I propose we go into town and get some grub. I'm starving."

I felt a sarcastic comment come to my teeth, but I swallowed it. I could tell Sokka was braced for one but it never came. "I don't know if I really want to go to town..."

"Aw come on, Toph!" He grinned grabbing my wrist. I flinched. Well that was different, since when was I nervous around Sokka? He seemed to notice and let go of me. "You need some groceries."

"Oh, alright."

And so we went into the little city a few miles from my humble abode. The young warrior went absolutely crazy and bought just about everything edible that was in sight. I followed along behind him closely. I wrapped my arms around my middle and hid my face. I felt like everyone knew. I felt like every single person in the market was staring at me. I knew it was impossible to tell anything right now, but I felt like I was being shamed because of what I allowed that man to do to me. It was my fault it happened.

"I think that should do it. You know I've been thinking about buying an ostrich-horse. I bet one would come in handy," he said happily, our arms laden with packages of food.

"Yeah," I agreed absent-mindedly. I was really too preoccupied to pay close attention to what he was saying. Suddenly I slammed into his back.

"Something's up Toph," he argued as I regained my balance.

"I'm fine, let's just keep going."

"No. You're not the same."

"No I'm not the same," I snapped. That seemed to shut him up. We entered my cool house a little while later and went to putting everything away in the cupboards. My mind drifted back to Jai Ling. I broke out in a cold sweat and shivered. "I'm going to take a bath, make yourself at home." His silence was enough to tell me he thought it very odd I was suddenly super hygienic. If only he knew.

Bathing was really more of a routine now, it made me feel no cleaner, no more free of Jai Ling but it was almost like a security blanket. I got out and pulled on a pair of pants that reached mid thigh and put on Sokka's tunic he left so long ago. It was a more literal security blanket than bathing was. When I was able to snug down in the folds of the too-big shirt, I felt just a little safer.

Evening was falling and Sokka and I were sitting on the couch under a light blanket as the house cooled. He was going on about some great hunt he had masterminded. I was glad he was happy, I was glad he was succeeding. It was also good to hear that my old friends were doing so well too. But at the same time I was sad because I knew my life was never going to be carefree and normal again all because of one stupid move I made. I just had to go out with him and get myself into a whole heap of trouble. I shivered and tucked my nose under the edge of the blanket.

"I think I'm gonna go to bed now," I said yawning. I was always so tired these days. "The guest bed is made up for you, help yourself to anything you find." I got up and stopped in the doorway. "But you do that anyways," I remarked, a little smile tugging up the corner of my mouth. He gave me a big smile back and I went to my room and curled up into a tight ball under my covers. I drifted off into a light sleep but I woke up only a few minutes later. I turned over and stretched out, pops running down the first few inches of my spine. I gave a contented sigh and closed my eyes. But sleep would not come. My mind started reeling. I put a hand on my stomach shakily. What was I going to name it? Would this baby be a boy or a girl? And how would I raise him without a dad? I could always be both; I was just as tough as a guy, wasn't that the only things dads had to do? Be strong and protect the family? I could do that, no problem. I turned out fine and I didn't really have parents for the last ten years of my life.

But how was I supposed to be a mom? Panic settled in my stomach and I started to shake. Tears slipped down my face as I choked my sobs into silence so I wouldn't wake Sokka up. I was going to screw this kid up. He wouldn't stand a chance with such a failure like me. I was so stupid. How could I have let this happen? It was my fault, all my fault. A short sob escaped my mouth and I hoped my best friend didn't hear from down the hall. I found chills crawling up my arms and I went and stoked the fire. I pulled my legs up onto the comfy chair in the corner closest to the fire place. I tucked an afghan around me and buried my face in it. Even though Katara had made it for me as a house warming present it didn't smell of the Southern Water Tribe like Sokka's shirt did.

My shoulders shook as I cried. I hated myself so much. It was my fault he raped me. I should have been smarter, I should have been looking out for myself. And now I was pregnant. I allowed myself the pain, I deserved it for being so stupid. "It's my fault," I whispered. Even though I already knew it, vocalizing it made me curl in on myself in desperation and agony. "I deserve this." But you don't, I thought putting my hand on my belly.

"What do you deserve?" My hand yanked back from my stomach even though he couldn't see if through the blanket.

"Uh, nothing," I fumbled. "Just a bad dream," I said wiping my eyes. He came to stand in front of me. I shrunk down further into the chair; I could feel him looming over me. I stretched my leg down and let my toes graze the floor. "When did you get so tall?" I blurted. I pressed my toes down flat. "And so...buff?"

"I've become a better hunter," he shrugged. "So you're ok then?" I nodded. "Well if you want to talk about your dream we can."

"No, no, it's no big deal. Just some...um, old memories."

"Yeah," he settled on the edge of my bed. "I have nightmares about Sozin's comet all the time." I couldnt feel him any more. He must have his legs propped up on the frame. "Especially about the airships."

"Me too. Except instead of Suki bringing that ship under us, I fall," I said. I conveniently left out the part where Sokka rolls over and laughs before he lets go of me. I hadn't had that dream in a while. New nightmares had plagued me recently. I heard him let out a long breath. It was quiet for a long time. "So what woke you up?" Silence. "Sokka? Sokka? Snoozles?" I only heard his deep, steady breathing. I walked over to where he was laying back on my bed and threw the afghan that was on my shoulder over him. I wouldn't be able to sleep anyways. I went out to the living room and balled up on the couch. The blanket that had been tossed aside into the corner of the sofa was cold when I pulled it over me. I got settled and just when I thought I might be able to sleep, I suddenly had to pee...really bad.

I groaned and threw the blanket aside and went and used to restroom.

I laid awake on the couch for a long time. I would be able to support another person financially just fine. Being a war hero came with its perks. I wonder what he'll look like. I lifted the hem of my shirt with my fingers and skimmed over my stomach. And then it hit me. I could always find an adoptive family, then maybe my kid wouldn't get screwed up by my bad parenting. Maybe, just maybe, I could find a family that really wanted a kid but couldn't have one of their own. I could make sure they were really good people and if I went about it correctly, maybe I could talk the gang into helping me find someone really great for the baby. I trusted their opinions a lot. I bet Sugar Queen knew some really awesome people. This might just work. But I'd have to come to terms with telling them what happened to me. And then my thread of the best mood I'd been in two months went plummeting. What if they hated me? I was overcome by a thick, heavy wave of shame. I hugged myself and shut my eyes tighter. A few tears slipped out. And what if Sokka- oh no I couldnt handle that. I wouldnt be able to live knowing he hated me. He was my very best friend. And If I lost him...I might die. They wouldn't want me anymore if I told them. I was bad now. I was some poisonous, tainted person now. I wasn't good enough, I was worthless.