AN: And it all comes out this chapter! Should I make these chapters longer? I have bookkoos of material I'll be posting (apparently) and depending on whether I can get to a computer that's actually may be multiple chapter updates per day- at least for a couple more chapters How are you guys liking this story thus far?
Recap: It was him, Jai Ling was in my room. I swung my other leg around to stand up but I was tackled backwards. He pinned my wrists together and I could feel his breath on my face. My heart started beating out of my chest, adrenaline heated my blood and made my head swim. "Hey Toph," he said softly. "How has my favorite girl been?"
I struggled under him, I flexed my arms, the meteor bracelet was still there but I could get it to budge for some reason. He pressed his lips gently to mine.
"No," I choked out weakly, I was too terrified to be mad at my cracking voice. He kissed the side of my mouth and moved down my chin and left a trail of gentle kisses along my jaw. "No, stop." Tears sprung to my eyes.
If I didn't get ahold of some kind of earth soon, who knows what could happen. He ignored me and kissed me again, pushing his lips against mine. "Stop," my voice was a little stronger this time. His fingers clamped down on my wrists making the bones roll against each other, it hurt.
"Be quiet," he growled. "Or he'll hear you."
He? Who was he talking about? Sokka! Sokka was here! He could help me! He suddenly grew brave and kissed me deeply. My breath caught in my throat and I couldn't breath. I wasn't kissing him back but he was forcing my lips to move against his with the pressure. "Stop!" I screamed jerking my face away from him. He slapped my cheek and I felt my neck crack with the force. I tried to squirm out from under his grasp but my little frame just couldn't budge the grip he had on my wrists. "Stop it now!" I yelled again. Suddenly one of his hands loosened from my hands and clamped down on my neck. "No!" I screamed. "No! No! No!" My cries struggled and clawed through my constricted windpipe.
"Toph."
"Please!"
"Toph!
"No, no please, don't hurt me! I'm-"
"Toph!"
"Please, I'm pregnant, stop!"
"Toph!" My eyes shot open from the nightmare. Someone was looming over me, I could feel it. A strangled cry ripped through my throat as I shot backwards, my spine slamming into the headboard. I could feel sweat rolling down my temple. "Toph, it's me, it's Sokka, it's alright. You're ok. It was just a dream." Sokka, it was just Sokka. My heaving breaths turned into sobs the instant I recognized him. I covered my face with my hands and cried harder than I think I ever had. They weren't cries of despair but of sheer terror. My whole body shook violently and uncontrollably. I felt like I couldn't breath, I had to force air into my lungs. I felt him crawl up next to me and he put his arms around me and held me tight, trying to still my shaking frame. "Shh, it's ok, shh. I'm here, you're alright." A horrible, strangled sounds that was between a scream and a sob left my lips and I buried my face into his chest. "I was so scared. I thought- I thought-" I stuttered.
"It was only a dream. It wasn't real. It never happened."
"But it did, it did happen!" I cried. He didn't ask me what I was talking about. It took a long time for me to stop shaking and for my crying to settle down to a few sniffles and hiccups.
"What happened, Toph, what's been bothering you? Tell me, please," he pleased gently.
I leaned away from him and put my hands in my face. I was so ashamed, so, so ashamed. "I met this guy two months ago in town. He asked me to come and have tea with him, so I did. He was so nice, I never even thought-" I stopped myself and took in a shuddering breath. "The tea tasted awful and he kept lying about stuff and then-then the next thing I know I'm waking up somewhere. I didn't know where I was. I was in a bed and I-I didnt have any clothes on and-"
"Wait. What? What are you telling me?" He said grabbing my shoulders. "What did he-"
"He raped me, Sokka!" I cried. Everything went painfully quiet.
"W-what?" He choked.
I was crying again. "And now I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant with his baby!" I felt him jump up from the bed. "I'm sorry, Sokka! I'm so sorry!" I flinched when I heard something hit the wooden door. "It's my fault, I'm sorry!" I cried.
"What?" He gasped. Suddenly he was beside me, his hands cupping my face and making me face him. "Listen to me, Toph; this is not your fault." He moved his hand to my arms. "It is not your fault, you hear me!?" He gave me a shake.
"Don't you dare think that, Beifong! It wasn't your fault. Oh, Toph," he murmmered pulling me against his chest. I twisted my hands in his shirt and cried. He knew and now he was going to leave. He wouldn't be my very best friend anymore. And I cried for it. I thought I felt something wet hit my bare shoulder. "I'll kill him, Toph, I'll kill him," he growled tearily. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. Why did it have to happen to you?"
There it was. He didn't want me anymore. I didn't blame him. I didn't even want me anymore. I cried and cried, clinging to him desperately. He couldn't leave me, I would die without him. I couldn't do this by myself, I needed him! But I knew he hated me. "When are you leaving?" I sniffled
"What?" He pushed me back and I felt his eyes on my face.
"You probably hate me now."
"I don't hate you, why would you even think that? You're closer than family, Toph, I couldn't hate you." Relief spread over me, but just the same, he probably didn't want to stick around. Isn't that what guys did? Didn't they just leave when things got complicated.
"You didn't answer my question," I breathed.
"I'm not leaving you. You need help and I'm going to give it to you. And don't think you're just some charity case, Toph because you're not. You're my best friend and I'm going to protect you. I'm not going to abandon you."
"But why would you want me?" I wiped my eyes. "I'm not me anymore...I'm his now. I can't ever go back to the way I was. I'm ruined. I'm worthless."
"You don't belong to anyone. And you're still the perfect girl I've know for the last ten years." He took my face in his hands again. "Do you understand me? You're still perfect Toph, you're not damaged, you're not ruined, you're not tainted, you're not worthless. You're still perfect." I didn't know what to say. He wasn't leaving me? He would stay? I couldn't believe it. But I was so happy I was proven wrong. He leaned against the headboard and gingerly pulled me into his lap. I bent my knees, letting my feet rest on the bed and I leaned my shoulder into the cradle of his arm against his body. It was quiet and still for a long time. I felt him take in a breath. "So there's a baby in there?" He asked touching his fingertips lightly to my stomach.
"Yeah," I said quietly, my voice rough from crying and screaming.
"That's why you were sick yesterday morning wasn't it?" I nodded. "Wow," he breathed. "I can't believe it."
"Me neither." I didn't know when we fell asleep but I woke up with my back pressed against his chest, his arm slung protectively across the front of my shoulders, his fingers curled around the arm on the side I was laying on. I stretched my legs out and cracked my toes. I felt him stir beside me and take a deep breath as he woke up.
"Morning," I rasped.
"Hey," he greeted back. He unwound his arm around me and sat up. I snugged down into the blankets and pulled my knees to my chest. "You ok?"
"Yeah," I said. There was a beat. "Actually, I lied," I said darting from the bed and into the bathroom. I felt him running after me. I dropped to my knees in from of the toilet and wretched. Again, I felt his cool fingers collect my hair from my face and hold it back for me. His free hand rubbed my back. It was over in a matter of minutes but it left me sore. I brushed my teeth and splashed water on my face. "Thanks," I said gratefully. "I think I'm gonna take a bath. I'll be out in a few minutes, ok?"
"Alright. Yell if you need anything."
I took a hot soak and then tip toed into my room wrapped in a towel. I changed into fitted knee-length pants and pulled on a soft tunic with billowing sleeves and a snug body. I didn't pull my hair back in a bun today. The ends brushed my shoulders. I never really like it long, too much work and impractical at the least. Much to Sokka's protest, I helped make breakfast and we ate on the couch. "So, I was thinking maybe we should head to the South Pole and let Aang and Katara know," I said swallowing. "It's not just something I can send in a letter."
"I don't think that's a good idea. I mean what with your being in this condition and everything."
I crossed my arms over my chest. "And what's that supposed to mean?"
"I just don't think you should be traveling so far, and then we'll be on a boat for weeks and you get sea sick really bad anyways, let alone morning sickness." I sighed. I knew he was right.
"I know, but how else am I supposed to tell them?"
"Make them come up here."
"What!? I just can't interrupt their lives! Especially now that Aang is officially courting Katara!" I gaped.
"Well they have to know and I'm sure Aang wouldn't mind getting into some warmer weather."
"No. Absolutely not."
"Come on, Toph, it's not like they're gonna get engaged tomorrow! Courting a woman in the tribe can take months."
"I don't know, Sokka..." I trailed.
"It'll be fine, I promise!"
"Well, I want to write them and see if they're ok with coming to visit first."
"Great! I'll write it for you!" He said leaping up and rummaging around my house for paper and ink.
In the letter I asked if they would like to come and visit for a few months. I had told them it was important, but not to let it interrupt anything. I wrung my hands as he rolled it up and sealed it with the Beifong flying-boar. "I-I think we should pay a visit to Zuko," I choked. I didn't want to tell him at all. He was my friend, sure, but he was a guy. Sokka was a guy too, of course, but he was also my best friend so it would be two totally different stories telling Sokka and telling Zuko. I was trusting Katara to break the news to Aang for me but I was going to have to flat out tell Zuko. I would have Mai do it for me, but I didn't know her as well and it might be worse to tell her than to tell the Fire Lord...actually, I didn't know about that.
"You want to go to the Palace?"
"Yes." I said resolutely.
"Well, then, to the Fire Palace we go." How could this man get any cooler?
Sokka scurried around packing all his things. "Do you want to stick aorund a few days or leave pronto?"
"I want to leave as soon as possible." And then I had to swat him aside to let me do my own packing. I felt his hand trying to creep in around me and hurry along the process. "Out, Sokka, you don't want to grab a handful of my underwear now do you?"
"Oh, no...thanks." I could tell his face had gotten red.
"Atta boy."
To say the least I was a terrible packer. Everything I grabbed was wadded into a ball and thrown into a bag.
"Well will you at least let me get everything into something we can actually carry."
"Fine." I plopped down on my bed arms crossed. He came and sat down next to me. All the years on the road had turned Sokka in a savvy, resourceful man and it showed in the way he packed. He had gotten everything into two bags from the four they had been in. I heard him get all quiet and move quicker for a moment while he was folding my things. I knew he had stumbled onto my delicates. Served him right.
I felt a cool breeze sift across my skin. It must be getting towards evening. And the time shift only made me shiver, remembering my nightmare from last night. I felt dirty suddenly. I fidgeted impatiently as he finished tying everything up and placing them in the corner of the room.
"Thanks, Sokka. I'm gonna go take a bath."
"Why? You just took one this morning."
"Will you read to me when I get out?" I said completely ignoring his question.
"Yeah sure." I bounded off with an armful of clean clothes and went about scrubbing down my skin. I hadn't washed so vigorously in a while and the sea sponge scratching back and forth on my skin made me sore and red. I dried off gingerly and changed into my night clothes. I hoped he wouldn't notice my newly raw skin and ask me about it. "Bout time," he said cheerily as I made my way into the living room and snuggled into my corner of the couch. The only disadvantage about a house made almost completely of stone was the cold air being trapped inside at night. Sure it was nice and cool on hot evenings but with fall approaching it was just plain out cold at night.
"I've got the blanket warm, get over here," he said. I crept closer to him and he tucked me under with arm and pulled the blanket up over my shoulders. He was right. He had made a toasty pocket of air under the blanket. He let his arm fall alongside mine and his hand reached my elbow. I actually felt...like I did before all this stuff happened. I wasn't quite sure of the feeling; what it was I felt under Sokka's arm. I pondered on it as he began to read. He got to a particularity dramatic chapter and his fingers closed over my elbow, the rough calluses of his fingers rubbed harshly against my fragile skin.
"Ow," I mumbled putting a hand between his fingers and my elbow.
"What did I do?" He asked starting to pull his arm away.
"Don't worry about it," I said.
"Why are you so red?" I hoped he didn't mean my face because it was flushed red.
"Um."
I heard the pages of the book pad together as he closed it. "Why are you always taking so many baths? Scrubbing so hard all the time? You're gonna peel your hide right off if you keep doing that, you know."
"I just feel-" I shrugged, "dirty all the time. I just can't seem to feel clean anymore." It was another thing Jai Ling had done to me. He made me feel disgusted at myself.
"Oh." So he understood. Good, now I wouldn't have to explain it to him. It was silent for a moment. "I'm so sorry, Toph, for all of it. I hate what he did to you," he said pulling me into his side in a tight embrace. And then I realized that feeling I felt earlier (or rather it had been the lack of it in the last two months) safe. I felt safe tucked under his arm. I felt like Jai Ling couldn't hurt me anymore. I had missed the secure feeling in last eight weeks. Ever since I had failed to protect myself, I always felt vulnerable and scared. If I had screwed up so badly one time, what would keep me from doing it again? Wait, Sokka told me not to blame myself. But it was so hard not to. His grip tightened around me and he opened the book again. I put my nose between two of his ribs and closed my eyes. It was all just some horrible thing that happened right? A freak accident? Was it really my fault? Yes. I let my guard down for some stupid guy.
Agni! I was so ashamed of myself! I hated myself! I hated my body, I hated my skin, I hated the way my hair tickled my shoulders when it was down, I hated my face, I hated the hard calluses on my feet and hands. I hated my scarred legs and knees, I hated my fingernails, I hated my sightless eyes, I hated everything about myself! Silent tears fell and pooled in the corner of my eyes and slid down my straight nose and dripped off the end.
I felt so used. But wasn't he to blame? Wasn't Jai Ling the one that enticed me with his charm and drugged me? Wasn't he the one that did all this? Maybe. Maybe Sokka was onto something. Had I really done anything wrong? Yes. I let myself become the victim didn't I? I trusted a total stranger and it was my body that had decided to get pregnant after all right? I hated that part of me too. I hated that I was a stupid girl. I hated that my body was some kind of baby making thing. Why couldn't I have been born a boy? Why!? I had to take a long, deep breath to keep myself from crying out. And then I hated something I never ever thought I would hate before; I hated that I was an Earthbender. The realization of my loathing for my bending hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt my throat collapse, cutting off any oxygen from entering my lungs. And that's where I drew the line. No. I didn't hate my Earthbending. I didn't hate it at all and I felt so horribly guilty for even thinking it.
I knew I didn't hate the dirt and rock beneath my feet. I wouldn't let him take that from me. That creep could have everything else, but he would not have my earthbending. I would not hate it and I would not let him have it. But, he did have my hate for being Earth Kingdom. And I hated that part of me without hesitation or second thought. A woman with true Earth Kingdom blood running through their veins was susceptible to it. With the onset of becoming a woman, my body had suddenly become very aware of the environment around it. During the fall women of the Earth Kingdom are suddenly very fertile. It's the change in the weather when it boils right down to it. Being from a people whose blood is heavy-laden with the earth bending gene our bodies are acutely tuned to the earth and the changes in it. An Earth Kingdom body senses the change for fall when the earth prepares to become dormant again, and in a last-ditch stand to begin new life before the dead season, a woman's body becomes twice as fertile as in the summer and winter months. This happens in spring too but even more so in the fall.
And it was becoming fall when I was assaulted. And I truly believe if I wasn't Earth Kingdom, I may not be pregnant right now. I really tried to do what Sokka said and not blame myself, but I just couldn't help it. It was so easy. But, somehow I felt a little braver, a little stronger when I resolved that Jai Ling would not be allowed to have my Earthbending.
"It's part of ranch life. The ostrich-horses, the dirt, the dust and I love ever bit of it. I just wish you could see it too, Lin." I was snapped out of my trance by the sorrowful tone in Sokka's voice as he read. I had kind of missed the last few pages but I could piece together what was happening. The lead man was named Hinto, a Water Tribesman who left his village and went to stomp out a place of his own in the Earth Kingdom. He was the gritty owner of a moose-cow ranch and the ostrich-horses that were so important to his livelihood held a special place in his heart, that is until the main woman came into the story. Her name was Lin, a privileged, upper-class beautiful woman who also loved ostrich-horses. She however, instead of using them to round up livestock, showed them in very high-class riding events.
Lin was a strong lead female, which I liked a lot about her character, and she was desperate to escape her stuffy life in the upper ring of Ba Sing Se, so she ran away. I had smiled when Lin had run away from home because she reminded me so much of myself. She stumbled upon Hinto's ranch after weeks of traveling on her favorite ostrich horse. He had taken her in and she refused to be given a free ride so she worked for her board. Just recently in the story, a love interest had sparked between the two of them and Hinto was trying to get her to see the wonderful side of moose-ranching and living a hard, but free life. She just didn't seem to understand the gnarly, rough and tumble way he lived. She was still reeling from her life in luxury and had yet to see the beauty in the life around her at Hinto's ranch.
And as much as I wouldn't admit to anyone, I had fallen in love with this book instantly. Right from the very first page. Maybe it had something to do with it being the first book I had ever heard. Given that I was blind, no one ever bothered to read to me before. And I loved it. I loved the way the words were put together and the way the story was forming itself right before my ears. And I loved the way Sokka read it. He read it like I imagine the author intended it to be read. He read it with conviction and made it seem as though the characters themselves were talking to me.
I was so perfectly content listening to him read and the rumble his chest made against my cheek. And it lulled me into sleep after I tried so desperately to stay awake and listen to more.
Two days and a tent-pitch later I found myself cooking over a campfire. It was a new skill I was working on, I would admit. I had never cooked when we were all traveling together because Katara usually did that...and that fact that I'm blind, no one was really willing to let me fumble around with live flame. But, over the last two dinners I had forced Sokka to let me have a shot at it. And I wasn't really bad at it either, even though I burnt the fish two nights in a row and singed a strand of my hair off, but hey! Who's to say it's not super intelligent to let a blind woman cook over fire? Certainly not the either of us that was for sure.
"I'll hand it to you Toph, despite the black underside of this trout, it's pretty good."
"Why thank you," I smiled cheesily as I sat down beside him as we ate. I found myself in an increasingly good mood now that we were traveling again. It just felt like old times, well minus the psychopathic Fire Nation trying to kill us at every turn. Luckily we had been traveling by foot along a river and Sokka was able to catch us out fresh fish every night. Even without my careful instructions telling him where I felt a fish along the riverbed, he seemed to catch them just as easily.
"So you said this town had ostrich-horse rentals right?" I asked referring to the town we had been aiming for. It was only another three days journey from here.
"You would be correct, except it's really more of a ranch with a couple stores on it."
"Maybe I'll find a strong and handsome man named Hinto to fall in love with," I teased making a ridiculous puckered-lip face and kissing the air with loud smacks.
"Well you are kind of a rich snob..." he teased back. I punched him the arm.
"You take that back," I laughed.
"Alright, alright, alright, sheesh!" He chuckled rubbing his sore bicep. I ate the last bit of fish left in the pan and tossed the iron skillet back close to the fire. "Well, I don't know about you, but I want to know what happens next in our book," he said giving a yawn. I wasn't sure when it had become our book but I liked the idea of the story kind of belonging to me too. We curled in close to the fire against the chilly air and he read two chapters before we were both falling asleep sitting up. "Come on, Toph, let's go to bed," he yawned. I answered with my own monstrous yawn and we went to our tent. I insisted that I could just earthbend us a tent every night but then he reminded me of how cold it would get in the evenings and even I wasn't going to be stubborn when it came to warmth.
So, we decided to share a tent and sleep on opposite sides. It was an unspoken rule that we were not to cross the invisible line that went down the middle of the tent but, contrarily, it was a spoken law that warranted a said violator of the unspoken rule to be promptly beat to death if he or she was to roll over that border.
I knew I tended to kick around a lot in my sleep so I made it a point to sleep with the canvas of my tent touching my cheek so I would have plenty of squirm room before I crossed into Sokka's territory. I woke up a few short hours later shivering against the tent wall. I had found myself in this predicament before but I had to tough it out lest I became a tent rule breaker. I couldn't help my thoughts wandering to that night Sokka cradled me in his lap. I had woken up in his arms but we were both in too much of a shocked stupor to really care about the close contact. But now, that I was shivering in my sleeping bag I wished my back was against his chest again, absorbing his naturally insulated body heat. Being from the snowy underbelly of the world made him impervious to cold and even though his limbs and fingers were chilly to the touch, his torso was like an oven.
I hoped sleep would befall me soon because my muscles were starting to ache from the shivering at the cramped position I had them in, curling in on myself trying to stay warm. After a while I began to almost ache from the cold. I was miserable in my little spot by the canvas. Maybe I could scoot closer to the middle of the tent and that would help. So I wiggled and squirmed like a bear-caterpillar until I was only two or three feet from that invisible boundary line. I felt a little better but then, of course, my luck just got worse. A sharp wind had kicked up and I could feel the cold slipping through my sleeping bag and onto my skin. "Oh," I moaned miserably.
I must have started to become desperate...(either that or crazy) when I peeked over my shoulder at Sokka's sleeping form, despite not being able to see him. Maybe he won't mind If I just scoot over the line a little bit. If I kept one half of my body on my side maybe I wouldn't totally break the laws of the tent. I considered it for a minute and rolled over to the red zone. I hoped he wouldn't beat the snot out of me for this. An hour had probably passed since I first woke up and I was still cold. "Oh for the love of Appa and Momo!" I grumbled under my breath as I shivered. I began to think I might freeze into a Toph-sicle before morning if I didn't get at least a little closer to his warmth.
Oh, I was going to have to do this wasn't I? I felt my cheeks burn hot and I growled incoherent things as I crawled out of my sleeping bag and shuffled over to Sokka.
PS: Hinto actually means blue in whatever language I picked it from lol. I believe it was some kind of native american.
