Sherlock's Infant Instructions
31. If I even think of allowing Mycroft to babysit again, John and Mary will hurt me.
32. Mycroft is never allowed to babysit again.
33. If Mary complains about being pregnant, this is not a cue for me to tell Amy and Oliver about the human reproductive system.
34. If Oliver decides he wants a birthday party, I will give him a birthday party.
35. At Oliver's birthday party I will not deduce the children.
36. I will also make sure there are no body parts, chemicals, anything recreational etc in the flat. Children get everywhere.
37. Molly is not a babysitter. I can not dump my son on her and expect her to look after him.
38. Lestrade is not a babysitter. I can not dump my son on him and expect him to look after him.
39. Under no circumstances am I allowed to experiment on Lily. She is John and Mary's baby, not a test subject.
40. If Lily's first word is murder, John will murder me.
41. Cases are not suitable bedtime story material for children.
42. John's blog is not suitable bedtime story material for children. Although I beg to differ with this. Children are the audience most suited to John's writing style.
43. I will not insult John's blog in front of the children.
44. When Lily spits up on my shirt, she is not disgusting, she is cute.
45. When Lily spits up on Mycroft the one and only time he holds her, it is not hilarious, it is regrettable.
46. I will not tell Olly, Amy and Jack to steal Mycroft's umbrella.
47. Or his assistant's Blackberry. Turns out she is surprisingly skilled in hand to hand combat.
48. I may teach Amy the violin. However I may not teach her at four in the morning.
49. If I want to get a dog, I am supposed to ask Mrs Hudson first since she is my landlady. (Since I've already got the dog, I believe this is a mute point but John and Mary are insistent)
50. Mrs Hudson is my landlady, not my housekeeper, cleaner, live in babysitter or dog walker.
XOXOXOX
If you enjoy these, I've started a couple of oneshots based around the creation of some of these rules. So far there's How to Entertain a Seven Year Old, and Board Games. There's quite a few in this chapter that I'd like to write about too.
