Holy shitballs I'm alive! I know, I know. I am so, so, sosososososo terribly sorry that my dumb self took over a year and a half to actually sit down, write, and post a new chapter. To any of you who are still following this and are actually excited about reading this new chapter, I thank you SO MUCH! Thank you for hanging in there, and thank you for reading. I hope it lives up to your expectations. Or, y'know, you get a giggle out of it. This is basically a crackfic after all. No giggles mean I suck at this and need to work on it.

ANYWAY! ENJOY

(Somewhat unnecessary) disclaimer: I own nothing involving Resident Evil, movie or games. Nor do I own any rights whatsoever to any songs or movie mentioned hereafter.


"I still can't believe you just did that," Claire said in disbelief.

Everything had been quiet after the impromptu rescue mission. Well, up until Kmart practically came from out of nowhere singing "(I've Had) The Time of My Life" and jumped towards Alice. The latter of whom managed to catch her and do "the move" from Dirty Dancing like she knew it was coming.

"Only you would not find that too awesome to question," complained the young blonde. "I bounce up at the most random moment, Alice and I do something that proves we have ESP, and you just can't be unquestionably happy. I bet it's because you two haven't-" a hand over her mouth prevents Kmart from finishing what Claire was certain would be something inappropriate for her and very embarrassing for the redhead.

"K!" the leader exclaimed. "Jill! It's not that damn funny!" The raven-haired woman had been laughing for at least 15 minutes. She was crying and gasping for breath.

Jill struggled to contain her laughter enough to speak, "I *gasp* disagree! *gasp* OH DEAR GOD HELP ME! *gasp* IT BURNS SO GOOD!" It was enough to get Alice rolling around on the desert floor. Saying Alice's laughter is contagious would be a massive understatement. Things got a little ugly…maybe even painful.

"…Okay, fine. It's pretty funny." Claire admitted. She'd been the first to recover from the group laugh-attack. Being the leader she is, she excused herself to attend to business around the convoy. They had enough supplies to last them for at least a month, if not a few. Sadly, they'd lost a few more members to the infected about a week prior. They had to be resilient, but it still hurt. The laughter was much-needed.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

She finished her rounds and put Carlos in charge while she rested for a while. As much as she disliked the man for how he acted towards Alice, she knew he wouldn't risk the safety of the convoy. She trusted him to be a sufficient leader in her absence, just not to withhold the desire to hit on Alice. She growled to herself when she remembered the longing, lustful looks he would send the blonde the second he thought neither of them were paying attention to him. The fool. He should know by now that Claire's eyes stay alert to him when so much as his boot comes in to her line of sight.

A chuckle alerts the redhead to the older blonde's presence. She turns from her position at the Hummer to see Alice. "You're thinking about Carlos again, aren't you?"

"That obvious, huh?"

"Only when one is as smart as I, my dear." She spoke like she was royalty. Regal and refined.

Claire simply rolled her eyes. "You're an idiot."

A grin spread across Alice's face. "Hey, you decided you wanted to be with me. So what does that say about you? Going steady with the village idiot, certainly something unfitting of a leader such as yourself."

"I hope you realize you're not helping your case in making sure I want to stay with you."

"I realize it sounds bad, but you're not likely to let this fine piece of ass slip out of your hands. Pun intended."

"Oh? Pray tell, why is that?" The redhead asked with an amused smirk, arms crossed over her chest. Alice, the perv, took a quick glance down to the treasures the toned limbs were guarding before responding.

"Because then Carlos will believe he has a chance to win me over, and you don't want him within miles of me to begin with. Though he's been relatively good about staying at least five to ten feet away at all times since you decked him in the balls." Her response caused Claire to snort at the memory. Dumb bastard didn't see it coming. He'd decided it would be okay to wait until he thought Claire was asleep and try his luck with Alice. Carlos wasn't counting on the fact that Claire had simply gone to the ambulance and talked to Betty, walking up right when he made the attempt to kiss the blonde-haired woman. Alice hardly had time to react at all before the redhead jerked him back by his color and aimed a low blow to his family jewels. Even if it were the apocalypse, he'd be unlikely to have children after that. Judging by the high-pitched squeaking sounds that seemed to leak from his body.

Claire shrugged, "That's the only warning that has seemed to stick for more than three days. It's actually been five days. I know you can handle yourself, but I just reacted." Her head tilted downwards as a blush spread across her cheeks at the thought of acting like the jealous, possessive girlfriend.

Alice hands cupped her cheeks and gently nudged her face to look back up at her. The smile on the blonde's face made Claire feel better and her blush began to dissipate. "Believe me, I'd have done the same. You were just a bit quicker than me. I'm more than okay with it." She ended her reassurance with a light kiss to the redhead's lips. It was deepened when Claire's arms unraveled to go around Alice's neck, the latter wrapping her arms around a slender waist.

They pulled away a few minutes later, breathing heavily. "Should we move this to a slightly more private location?" Alice's suggestion was about to be answered when Jill, Betty, and Kmart walked up.

"Hey!" Betty spoke. "We were wondering if you guys-"

"Is anyone in danger of any kind or currently being eaten?" Claire interrupted, frustrated at the new arrivals.

Betty hesitated. "Well, no…but-"

"Then tell everyone to fuck off and leave us alone for the next hour, unless something goes wrong." The redhead glanced over at her girlfriend, and then moved her gaze back to Betty. "Make that two hours. Now, seriously, go away. And tell anyone that tries to disturb us that I am very willing to empty a magazine into his or her chest, if the news isn't about any of the infected. Good day." She opens the back door of the hummer, shoving the older blonde inside before giving one last warning glance and slamming the door.

Jill sighs, "Well, that settles that. Betty you owe me and Kmart one Twinkie each." She finished her sentence with a smirk. Betty grumbled something like "damn gun threat. Couldn't have said 'strangle'" before reaching into her jacket and handing the women the treats.

"I hate you both." She said as she stomped away.

"Don't hate us 'cause we're sexy!" Kmart shouted after the woman, receiving a middle-fingered response. "She hates to lose a bet more than Claire hates Carlos."

Jill whistled. "That's some pretty intense hate. That punch hurt my balls."

Kmart snorted out a laugh. "I'm pretty sure she broke his dick somehow."

"Kmart! Language!" The raven-haired woman jokingly reprimanded. "You can't just say shit like that. You can't say DICK!" Blonde hair flipped back as Kmart began laughing in earnest. It calmed when she noticed a slight shaking to the Hummer.

She nudged Jill. "I think that's our cue to leave. As much as I like to tease Claire, I don't want to hear her getting down and dirty on Alice. There's a limit. After apocalypse, it's hearing your sisters getting it on…that sounded a lot less redneck in my head. It came out wrong."

"Like Claire?" Jill smirked.

K smiled widely, "I knew we'd get along well," as she walked away.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Angie and Kmart were in the most intense game of "Go Fish" of their young lives when Carlos wandered over.

"Have you two seen Claire? I need to ask her if she knows if we have any extra shirts. Mikey managed to bust his nose on the ambulance door and ruined his shirt."

Angie hid a smirk, "She decided to take a nap in the Hummer. We're actually supposed to go get her when we finish our game."

"I can go ahead and get her for you guys! Two birds, one stone right?" Kmart glanced over at Angie, prepared to chastise her, when she realized something. This could get hilarious. Smiling innocently, she gave Carlos a thumbs-up and pretended to go back to the game. The brunette and blonde shared a look before taking off after him once he was out of sight, grabbing Jill and Betty on the way. The group hid behind a car that was a safe distance away from the Hummer, but close enough that they could see and hear what was going on.

Sure enough, Carlos raised his hand to knock on the door at the exact moment it opened. Claire's face went from startled to furious in record time. Tackling the man to the ground from her seat in the Hummer, she proceeded to pummel him. Alice peeked her head out of the door, unconcerned with the violence the redhead was displaying. She turned her head, catching sight of the group hiding behind.

Locking eyes with Kmart, she chuckled and mouthed, "Only you."


There it is! Hope you liked it. Feel free to review, follow, and all that whatnot. Even if it's just to berate me about the ages I took to post a new chapter, I welcome everything, and I love you all for giving my story the time of day.

Besos! (Ooh, yeah. I know a Spanish word. Supah sexeh.)