He was paralyzed. He hated that. That really deep sleep you sometimes fall into where your consciousness awakens before the rest of your body, making you aware but unable to move right away. Dean was on his stomach and all he could do for now was stare out of hazy eyes, trying to figure out what was wrong with this picture.

He breathed heavily, a bad taste in his mouth making him want to find a toothbrush and glass of water quickly. But he still couldn't move. He tried wiggling his fingers and toes. They obeyed. But internally he still struggled to move the rest of him. He saw the bedside table. Wasn't there a clock there before?
Wait. There was a clock, but it was different than he remembered. And did Sam suddenly take up a new hobby or was that a blue toy racecar?

"What the hell?" Dean murmured. He tried raising up a little more, paralysis slowly wearing off. With a grunt he pushed up a little on one side, then rolled over onto his back, his eyes starting to focus a little better. The mattress felt different. Firmer. And the walls. Weren't they green before? A really ugly green. But this blue felt…familiar.

Lifting his head, Dean looked around. The sun shone brightly in the window at the foot of the bed. He scanned past a shelf on the wall with more toys on it to see the window on the other side. "Wait a minute," Dean whispered. He pushed up onto his arms, taking everything in that much clearer. Gasping he sat all the way up, throwing one leg to the floor and twisting back to the other side, expecting to see Sam. But he was not there.

Dean shook his head. "Wooooah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah." Dean stood up now, the dizziness still apparent. Holding his head, he closed his eyes to steady himself. "I know what I said…but," Dean sighed. He looked around, turning his full body to take it all in. When he got back to start, he stepped to the foot of the bed and there it was; the racetrack, on the floor like he remembered last time he and Sam were here, running from angels. Putting his hand to his mouth, he carefully stepped past the track. "I caaan't...," he started. He walked to the door of the room, looking around one more time and then he heard the soft singing.

Hey, Jude, don't be afraid.
You were made to go out and get her.
The minute you letter her under you skin
Then you begin to make it better.

"Mom?"

He went to the stairs, the singing growing a little clearer. "Mom," he whispered. "I don't believe it." He slowly walked down the stairs, one hand on the wall for balance. Ducking and carefully looking like he mght be on an unexpected hunt, he could tell the singing was coming from behind him as he descended the stairs. At the bottom, he looked left, then right. It was home alright. But it was different too.

And anytime you feel the pain,
Hey Jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world up on your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

Dean let the singing draw him deeper in, his breaths quick for fear that he was not going to see what he expected…or maybe he would.

Hey Jude, don't let me down.

And then he saw her moving about the kitchen.

You have found her, now go and get her.

"Mom?"

Mary gasped, then laughed when she saw it was Dean. "Hey, Jude," she replied. She gave him her full smile then, so happy to see her first born in front of her. Dean breathed out as he relaxed. It felt safe. She looked good. She looked happy.

"Mom? Is it..."

"Yeah, honey. It's me. It's really me."

"But you're…where…am I…"

"In heaven, sweetie. You're in heaven."

Dean shook his head, "ohhhh, no no no no no. Mom, I can't be here…again. Can I?"

Mary stepped to him, stroking his cheek. "It's ok, baby. It's all ok. You shouldn't be here right now, you're right. But let's just take a moment, ok?"

Dean looked at her, his sad face making Mary want to keep him with her, but she knew she couldn't. Still, he needed her right now and heaven had allowed her to be there for him, if only for a little while. Her hand sliding from his cheek to his shoulder, she pulled him in for an embrace and his body instantly remembered who she was. He hugged her back, as tight as he could, his nose finding her hair, inhaling the smell of her shampoo and triggering every little boy instinct he had. He could feel the tears coming already. Why on earth could he not be around her without breaking down?

Earth. He wasn't on Earth, now was he?

"Mom," Dean pulled back. "Am I dead?"

Mary made a light sound as her hands rested on his arms. "Just for now, sweetie. Not for good. Not yet. It's just another one of your little visits up here. You do that a lot you know. You just rarely remember it."

"But what happened this time," Dean asked, letting go of Mary and starting to walk around the kitchen, taking it all in. It was just as he remembered in his dreams.

"Well, you were with that Nia girl, you were drinking far too much," Mary put her hand on one hip. "I could still hit John for allowing you to pick up that nasty habit," she said shaking her head. Dean cocked his head at her, his brows drawing in confusion.

"You had a headache, hon, you thought you were taking aspirin, but Sam put some sleeping pills in that bottle too and you got them." She laughed lightly to herself. "He didn't mean to hurt you though, hon. It was all an accident and he's going to be beating himself up about that one a little later."

"Mom," Dean started, overwhelmed slightly by all the info Mary was throwing his way. He shook his head, remembering what she first said. "Umm, you…you saw me?" He cleared his throat. "Wi...with Nia?"

Mary smiled. "Oh, honey, I've been watching you and your brother ever since I took out that poltergeist and came here." Dean's heart swelled at the thought of having had his mother with him all this time, then he flushed as he remembered his tromp with Nia just last night, then all the Nias before her. "Um, exactly how…how much did you see," Dean asked, his cheeks growing flush as he spoke.

Mary laughed to herself, knowing what her son was thinking. She stroked his downturned head and smiled. "Don't worry, love. I gave you privacy when you needed it. You and Sam." She huffed lightly. "Your dad too."

Dean looked up at the mention of his father. "Dad? Is he here? With you?"

Mary breathed deep and smiled. "Come on, Dean. Let's sit, huh?"

She ushered him to the dining room table, in particular the seat he always sat in as a young boy. Then she gasped as she suddenly remembered. "Dean! Honey! I have pie! Good timing," she mused, tapping her chin. "I must have known you were coming, huh?" She went back to the kitchen to get him a slice of peace pie and a glass of milk.

Dean chuckled as she placed it before him. "You gonna put a napkin under my chin too?"

"You want me to," she replied, with a sly smile that told him not to dare her because she would do it.

"Naw," he said. " 'm good." He buried his fork into the pie as Mary sat next to him, resting one elbow on the table, her chin in hand as the other stroked Dean's arm and came to rest on top of his hand. Dean slowly balled his fist so that he captured her fingers, holding her hand in a backward hold.

"So," Dean began when he had swallowed two forkfuls of the pie. "Dad? Is he here?"

"Yeah, honey," Mary said softly. "He's here. We're having the time of our, well, our deaths, I guess you could say."

Dean frowned a bit at the mention of death. "It's ok," she said. "We're happy, Dean. We really are."

"How happy can you be living in Memorex?"

"Well, it's not quite like that, exactly. It's not like we're just standing by and watching the same scene play out over and over, you know. We are in the home we knew together and we kinda have our boys, although not here, not yet. You're on Earth and we are always watching over you." She smiled.
Dean nodded. "Our very own angels, huh?"

"Yup. That's us." She sat back, shaking her hair back behind her, and sighed. "Don't get me wrong. Took a minute for us to get to this happy place. It was just me for the longest time, you know? And I didn't get to see exactly how your dad was raising you boys or else, trust me, I would have haunted his ass."

Dean laughed, taking a sip of the milk and going back to his pie as he listened.

"In the beginning, after your father and I, um, caught up again, we talked about you and Sam – a lot. And oh how we talked." Mary laughed softly as she recalled those early conversations. "See before John arrived, when I was here alone, I came into the full knowledge of what life was like for the three of you without me." Mary's eyes got sad. She tucked hair behind one ear, looking down as she remembered. "I found out how difficult it was and I got angry. So angry. How could this be heaven with such a feeling of remorse like this?" She laughed a little. "I even talked to some of the ministers who had made it up here, even though I didn't really have any connection to any church while I was alive. Your friend Ash had found me, you know? Showed me how to move around, so I could visit anyone I wanted."

Dean looked up, "Ash? Wow. Of course he found you. Last time I was here, he said he had been looking."

"Yep," Mary nodded. "He found me." She continued. "So I found some ministers and they were telling me that remorse in heaven isn't a foreign concept since you come into a full understanding of things here and when you do, regret is bound to take hold. And it made sense. So when your dad got here, I was at peace again."

"Dad found you?"

"Well, this is his heaven too, sweetie. Being here with me. Didn't take him long to find me." Mary smiled and let Dean take that in.

"So when he got here," she went on, "we talked about so many things. And sometimes he said things that made me want to slap him. He had been trying to do so much to avenge my death. So many decisions he made in my name." Mary shook her head, a grim look on her face. "There were times when what your father decided wasn't something I would have wanted for you or Sam."

"I know, mom. You never wanted this life for us…"

"No, no I didn't. But circumstances can sometimes change our desires. I know that. I can't say with certainty what I would have done had I lived, Dean. Or if the tables were turned and your father was taken from me and I had to fight this fight alone with my babies in tow…." Mary finished the thought in her head.

"I know John really did the best he could. I do. I still questioned some things though."

Dean watched her with interest. He had had opportunities to get to know his parents in ways so many people would never experience. But that was learning about the past or the result of some being's distortion of his mother. This? This was really her in front of him; the Mary who knew everything since that horrible night. The Mary who knew her boys better than they had been aware of, after having spent time with him and Sam from afar, without either of them ever knowing it.

"So John and I, we finally made a life." She waved her hands about her. "Kind of made the Winchester compound," she said laughing.

"Compound?" Dean looked around not seeing what she meant.

"Yeah. John and I are here. Kate Miligan isn't too far away."

Dean's eyes went wide. "You know about, Kate…"

Mary shrugged her shoulders.
"Of course you know about, Kate. And you don't mind?"

"Well, I was gone, Dean. Like I said, I gave you guys your privacy when needed. I can't blame your dad for being a man, now can I?"

Dean shook his head, glad that his mouth was full of milk in this awkward moment.

"Kate is nearby so she won't be alone. John is with her right now."

Dean choked on the milk. "Ah, Dean, it's ok," Mary said as she got up to get a paper towel. "Really, it's ok. There's some perks to being the parents of a couple of world-saving heroes you know," she said with a smile and a wink. She wiped Dean's chin, tousling his hair as she went to throw the paper towel away then sat back down.

"Kate doesn't have her son with her yet. He's still…" Mary raised her eyebrows as she and Dean looked toward the floor. "Every now and again, John goes with her to petition his release. She knew the angels, Castiel actually, moved heaven and Earth to get to you and Sammy." Mary sighed again remembering that her sons had actually spent time in the pit. "They're hoping to free him. They're trying."

Dean nodded. "Good. That's good." He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for Michael to get him like that. I was trying to save them both, mom."

"Hey, hey, angel," Mary said, leaning forward to take Dean's hand again. "No one. No one at all is blaming you. Stop blaming yourself."

Dean got up from the table, looking at Mary. She looked up at her son questioningly.

"Who else is there to blame, mom? It's my fault."

"Dean," Mary said, trying to grab his arm, but he was walking to the living room now.

"Hey now, Dean. Heaven and hell were manipulating us all, but you fought the good fight, as you should. Sometimes you won some, sometimes you lost some. You can't be the victor every time."

"I should have tried harder…"

"Dean Winchester," Mary commanded. "Look at me. Look at me!"

Dean turned as she spoke, not daring to look at her full on. She stepped closer and grabbed his arms to force him to see her. "What happened to Adam was not. your. fault. Do you hear me? You didn't know what the angels were going to do. You have been trying to do what's right ever since you carried Sammy out of our burning house. You and Sam have been struggling to be the good guys and they have NOT made it easy for you! Those dicks," Mary muttered under breath, this time being the one to turn away, shaking off her rising anger.

"You know, when I was pregnant with you," Mary said, her tone softer now, her arms folded across her chest. "I read a lot of books about raising children. I was an only child, my parents died while I was still young, so I didn't really have anyone who could pass their wisdom on to me, you know? And one of the things I read was that a child's personality is pretty much set by the time they are 7."

She turned back to Dean who was listening with rapt attention. "You didn't really have a chance, Dean. Your world was burned down before you even got a chance to have a playdate, honey."

Mary's arms fell to her side. She cocked her head at her son. "I know, you know."

Dean eyes narrowed. "You know…what?"

"Why you're beating yourself up now. I know about the trial and Jo and all the memories Osiris brought up for you. I know about Amy."

Dean looked down in guilt, feeling caught doing something wrong.

"She was a monster and that's what hunters do, Dean."

"But I did it behind Sammy's back. I know he won't be happy about it, but I did it for his own good."

"No need to justify with me, honey. I told you, I understand. Now you need to make him understand."

Dean shook his head, his lips pursed in thought. "I can't…"

"You can," Mary said sternly. "And you will." She spoke a little softer. "In time. You will." She stepped toward him to hold his arms again. "You love your brother too much to lie to him, Dean. You know you care what he thinks and believe it or not, he cares what you think too. You really are two peas, you know? Soul mates. That's not just for lovers, you know," she said, tilting her head at her son as she smiled up at him.

Dean just looked at her, a small smile playing on his lips.

"I'm so grateful that I got to hold you again, sweetie," Mary said, hugging him again. "But you really need to go back now, son."

"Go back? I can go back?"

"Like I said. Perks." Mary linked her arm with Dean's as she steered him back to the stairs. "Come on, let's get you back to bed."

"Bed? But you said…"

"Bed."

They walked up the stairs to Dean's old room. Mary guided him back to his bed, and he sat, looking up at his mom in all the vulnerability and childlike innocence he reserved for her, not quite ready to let her go.

"Don't worry, angel, you'll come back," she whispered as she gently pushed him down to his bed and kissed his forehead. "You get some rest and know that your dad and I are watching over you, ok? You'll come back, Dean. You'll come back when it's time and we'll be a family again."

Dean closed his eyes, letting her voice usher him into a need for slumber that suddenly seemed to come out of nowhere. "You'll come back," he heard her say again.

"Come back," Dean whispered.

"Dean, please. Come back, man. Wake up!" Sam was anxiously standing over his brother, shaking him. "Dean! Dean!"

At Sam's voice, Dean awoke from his confusion. Sam stepped back, his hands in his hair. "Oh my God! Dean!" He rushed back to his dazed brother. "Dean, are you ok?" Sam felt Dean's forehead, looking for a temperature. He felt Dean's pulse and as he snapped out of it, Dean smacked Sam's hand away.

"Dude. What happened," Dean asked, sitting up a little too fast. Sam steadied him.

"Careful man," Sam said still taking deep breaths as his heart finally slowed to a normal pace. "Dean man, you were gone," Sam said, spreading his hands like an umpire calling safe. "I got up to go to the bathroom and almost tripped over my duffle, then I realized you were back and when I was walking to the bathroom, something about you didn't sound right. Like, you weren't making any sounds at all."

Sam dropped to his bed in front of Dean. "Dude. I thought you were dead, but I wasn't sure, you know? Good thing we keep adrenaline on us. I gave it to you and kept trying to revive you. Took me 7 minutes, Dean. I thought you were a goner for sure. You'd be brain dead."

"Yeah well takes more than…than. Wait, what did I do?" Dean grasped the edge of the bed, looking out the still dark window, trying to remember. Sam raised his eyebrows as he wondered too.

"The pills," Dean recalled. "I took the aspirin and…"

"Aspirin?" Sam said, following Dean's eyes to his duffle. Sam's eyes went wide as he understood.

"Ohhh, no, no, no, Dean. Did you…," he asked snapping back to look at Dean.

Dean just looked at him as an answer.

"Aw, man!" Sam exclaimed, rushing to the bag to get to the pill bottle. "Dean, damn it, man. I'm SO sorry! I...I thought I was putting those sleeping pills in a safe place…"

"Because headaches happen so rarely?"

"Yes! I mean no! I mean…," Sam stammered. "It's just I thought I could find a new bottle to put them in in the morning." Sam was on his knees counting the pills out in his hand.

Dean smiled, not quite sure why, but not feeling as mad about it as he thought he should be. He had a weird feeling like he had been talking to someone about this very thing, but he couldn't fully bring it back to the front of his mind. He went over to Sam, kneeling by him as he gently took the pills from Sam and put them back in the bottle."

"Sam, it's ok. You didn't do it on purpose. I'm the idiot who wasn't watching what I was doing."

"Dean," Sam started.

"No, it's ok. Really. I'm ok. I'm here, alright? With you. Where I belong."

Sam sighed, his shoulders dropping as he stopped fighting his guilt and looked at Dean. "Thank God."

Dean smiled and tousled Sam's hair. He wasn't sure who to thank, the feeling of wanting to be home with his mom starting to recede in his memory, replaced by the feeling of being glad to be home with Sam.