Chapter 2: Inner Voices
Arrogant prick.
The biting assessment would have shocked Mrs. Lavinia Rierson, the former head mistress of The Rierson School for Girls. After her mother's death, her father, the powerful Alexander Cabot tried to eradicate any individuality his free-spirited daughter possessed. Hence, weekends and summers spent in the stuffy Rierson School, learning to sip tea, carry one's handbag and maintain a suitable reputation until they met "the one". Coarse language was frowned upon, to put it mildly. Somewhere in the suburbs of Grosse Pointe, the elderly lady was scowling in disapproval, though she wouldn't know why.
Then again, she might agree...if she knew Craig Montgomery.
Carly would have laughed. If not at her inner turmoil, at the fact it was her voice Rosanna heard ringing in her ears.
Stay away, Rosebud.
More advice in her sister's vibrant, earthy tones.
Rosanna wondered idly if Carly ever listened to her conscience, or if she'd dismiss it immediately if it came in the guise of Rosanna's voice. The thought of Carly being flummoxed at hearing her innermost thoughts in her sister's clipped articulation brought a scoffing smile to her face.
"See, I knew it. You want me Rosanna. Let's schedule some undercover missionary...work," he finished in her ear, mindful his seven year old son was sitting five feet away. "Johnny's got a playdate this very afternoon."
Snapping back to her current dilemma, Rosanna squinted, wondering if it was lust or love coming out of Craig's mouth. Who was she kidding? She wasn't sure if Craig understood the difference.
She wasn't sure she cared.
In the month since she'd left Oakdale, an overwhelming sense of lonliness had settled over her. As happy as she'd been for Carly and Jack, the envious part of her heart wanted that for herself. And inevitably, she wondered if she would have had it long ago with Mike; if not for Carly.
Rosanna ignored the coarse suggestion. "We had a few drinks. We laughed. I felt compelled to accept your breakfast invitation-for Johnny's sake. It doesn't mean I'm ready for any charitable acts with you," she hissed. "I felt comfortable returning to Oakdale, sensing a sliver of maturation in you last month. Obviously, I was mistaken. And, for the record, I do happen to have family in town. Carly made all of us, Molly, Gwen and me, promise to be closer."
Craig snorted. "Carly and Molly? Thick as thieves. Carly and Gwen? Gwen's very young, idealistic and forgiving. You and Carly? Opposite sides of the world suits your relationship to a tee."
"That's a horrible thing to say!"
"Doesn't make it untrue."
"How would you react if I said the same about you and your sisters?" Rosanna spat. "Or are you simply back to your old games? Playing both ends against the middle? They've been married a month!"
"Is that what you truly think of me? That I would -" The blank look on her face told him everything she didn't know. Changing tactics, he asked, "have you spoken to Carly? Does she even know you're in town?"
"No. I intended to call, but I ran into an old friend last night," she reminded him pointedly. "It was a spur of the moment decision to visit. We have not spoken. We traded emails."
"Some great covenant," he said dismissively. "As long as it requires nothing more than hitting the "forward" button, or mangling the English language by interspersing numbers and letters to inform everyone about the "gr8" salad they had."
The sarcastic undertone put her on edge. They hadn't been deep, profound dispatches, but she could hardly expect that from Carly, fresh from her honeymoon. "It may not be ideal-but there is a kinship in sharing the minute details of one's day. Doesn't everyone want closer ties with their family?"
"I know you do," he replied. There was a flicker of pity in him somewhere, as he waited just one more beat before lowering the boom. "Then why don't you know she's adding to the prolific Snyder family tree?
Rosanna swallowed hard. "I-I didn't know you knew."
The non-denial denial. Someone who spent years trading barbs and fending off verbal bullets might have been fooled. Craig? He knew better. Her flinty smile could have flash frozen Snyder Pond.
In the middle of July.
"Hey, Jack!" Holden pushed through the OPD doors, calling out to his cousin, who waved him over to his desk. Stuffing his hands into his pockets, he waited patiently while Jack finished a phone call.
"What brings you by?" With a goofy grin, Jack rose from his chair and motioned Holden into the interrogation room. When he'd closed the door, he clapped his hands and threw his arms open wide. "Congratuate me! I'm about to be a Dad again!"
Holden rolled his eyes. "I knew that weeks ago. You told me. In the same breath you told me Dusty fathered Janet's baby."
"I know-I know," Jack laughed, wrapping Holden up in a hug anyway. "And I appreciate you keeping it to yourself. Carly wanted to wait, you know, until the end of her first trimester."
"I've been through this a few times myself. I know why women wait, especially after having had a miscarriage."
A momentary shadow came over Jack's face. Carly rarely talked about her miscarriage, and though they'd been through so much together, he respected her privacy. Even with his concerns for her well-being, his thoughts hadn't strayed to the possibility of losing their child. He rejected the notion in his head-as naive as it sounded, given their past and especially the past year-his immediate reasoning was simple. Carly would never allow it to happen.
A bit more soberly, Jack retorted, "We ended up telling Janet and Dusty yesterday. So I assume it's okay to officially tell you and the rest of the family now."
"Janet? Jack!" Holden shook his head in disbelief. "I can't imagine that conversation. Hey Dusty...guess what? I knocked up my wife. Guess we have that in common this year."
"Uhm...it wasn't like that at all."
"Too busy refereeing a Carly/Janet death cage match?"
"You make us sound like grade schoolers!" Jack protested. "We were all very calm and collected. Adult, even."
"I'm sorry." Holden apologized. "I just know how tense things were. Carly-my God, she hated Janet before. And you're not fond of Dusty. I hate to say it-but I'm glad you don't have to deal with Dusty raising your kid. That guy-ugh.." Holden dialed back his own frustration with the man he'd known for half his life. "I'm sorry you were hurt, but it worked out for the best."
"Tell me how you really feel," Jack replied testily.
"That's why I didn't say anything before. It was your business, and you were doing what you needed to do. But now...I'm glad you can move forward. I -" Holden looked down sheepishly and sighed. "I've said too much... How about-"
Jack stretched out his hand, stopping him. "Go ahead. Say it. I know what you're thinking."
"Really?"
"Yep," Jack nodded. "You're thinking Carly's pregnancy is convenient. And that maybe it's not an accident. To get my attention; force some issues."
"Well, I wouldn't have put-"
"The answer is no, Holden. Trust me, if you had seen the look on Carly's face-you would know she was just as surprised as I was. It never crossed my mind it was anything but. It is evidence of a Higher Power. Or some Master Plan. She didn't have to intentionally do anything-she was the one putting on the brakes, not me."
Reassured, Holden let the matter drop. "So, why blurt out the news to Janet of all people?"
Jack shrugged. "It wasn't my call. They stopped by the house to ask me to be Lorenzo's godfather-"
At this point, Holden slapped his forehead. Hard.
"-and Carly told them. I think it was some kind of hormonal reaction to holding the baby."
Holden didn't bother to ask if Jack had agreed to Janet's request. He knew his cousin wouldn't have refused. In spite of their failed marriage, she would always be family for Liberty's sake. And Brad's. "Okay-why don't you and Carly come over to the farm this weekend? We'll grill out, and you can make a big deal out of announcing it to me and Lily."
"Lily, huh?" Jack tilted his head. "Interesting how that just rolls off your tongue, without even calling and checking with her first."
"Newlyweds!" Holden grumbled. "Some of us are happy exactly where we are."
"Okay, okay," Jack replied with a smart alecky grin. "But don't expect Carly to shy away from the subject either."
"Sage-would you please stand still?" Carly asked for the fifth time. Her daughter complied briefly, but long enough for Carly to re-pin the troublesome pleat. "Okay, carefully take it off and bring it back to me so I can finally finish this."
"Okay," Sage said obediently, sensing the end of her mother's patience.
"I don't know why this costume is giving me such a problem. But right now, I'd like to throttle whoever thought up this Bavarian milk maid monstrosity."
Seated next to the fireplace in Milltown, Lily laughed. "Now you know how the rest of us feel."
"No fair making fun of the pregnant lady in the room," Carly responded, slowly rising from her kneeling position and easing onto the couch.
"That has nothing to do with it." Lily closed the magazine she'd been flipping through to occupy her time. "It makes me feel better knowing even the gifted have a difficult time. And by the way, when are you going to spill about your little bundle? If this goes on much longer, Jack's going to catch on that I know. He's constantly at the farm with Holden, grinning from ear to ear. I can play ignorant for only so long."
"Soon," Carly assured her, smoothing her bangs out of her eyes. "Now that Janet knows, we might as well hire a skywriter."
"I still can't believe she had the gall to ask Jack-after everything she's put him through since Brad's death."
"I know. Believe me, I agree with you." Carly sighed, and took a sip of her lukewarm tea. "Jack, on the other hand, has always been better at forgiveness."
"Do you think she's happy with Dusty? She sure seemed anxious to have Jack around while she was at the farm. I don't want to stir anything up," she added hastily, seeing Carly pale just a bit. "I barely know her. She talked a lot about wanting to be part of the family, but anytime we got together, she'd spend the majority of her time making those unappetizing meatballs. It got to be a running joke for my kids, finding places to dump them while convincing Janet to make more."
"I wish someone had filled me in before she offered to make them for Molly's shower," Carly scolded, making a face at the memory of the tough, bland nuggets. "I think Janet's as happy as she can ever be," she continued. "Either way, she's not my problem anymore. Or Jack's. He's really let all that guilt go." Looking over her shoulder to make sure Sage wasn't within earshot, she confided, "the best thing about my honeymoon? Once we left Janet in the hospital? Hell, about the first month of our marriage? Until yesterday, her name hadn't crossed his lips once."
"The best thing?" Lily asked, raising her eyebrows.
"Okay, the second...third best thing," Carly amended, with an upshot eyebrow. "Okay. It's definitely in the top ten. But my point is, it was like she dropped off the planet."
Lily laughed at the obvious glee in Carly's voice. "So why tell her you're pregnant?"
"Oh, I don't know." Carly shook her head. "I held Lorenzo-and I just got all gooey inside. Hormones, I guess."
"Let's have dinner this weekend at the house. You and Jack can surprise us with the news."
Carly was surprised at how easily Lily included Holden in her thoughts, but decided to leave that subject alone. For now. "I bet he called Holden before we left the hospital. He eventually agreed we should wait. But he was ready to burst there and then. When I came back from the pharmacy with my prenatal vitamins, he was definitely calmer."
"He must have," Lily nodded in agreement. "When I walked in on Holden saying something about "another Snyder in the family", he was still in his suit. I asked if Janet had given birth, and he said she had, but that John had run some test behind everyone's back-"
"That reminds me, I owe him a thank you," Carly interrupted.
"-and Dusty was actually the father. Then it snapped into place...Gwen telling me about your nerves; not wanting to eat when you got up that morning; then the look on Holden's face. He swore me to secrecy. If you hadn't run into me at the Baby Botique, picking out a congratulatory gift for you, you wouldn't know I knew."
"Yes," Carly scoffed, "because you're so good at keeping secrets. The trapped look on your face gave you away immediately."
"Wait-you mean you haven't told anyone?"
"Well...not exactly. Jack just doesn't know I told anyone. I called Molly when we got back from the honeymoon. She's currently buying out greater L.A.'s baby couture."
"Not Gwen or Rosanna?"
"Gwen's busy with school. Until yesterday, we were going to wait until Thanksgiving anyway. And Rosanna-" A pang of guilt hit her heart. Her sister wanted a child in her life so much. While she would be happy for them, it would also remind her of everything that kept slipping through her fingers.
Lily sensed her unease. "Do you remember what Audrey Samuels used to say? Every blessed event is both a blessing and an event. You two are in such a better place now, than when you were pregnant with Sage. She won't have to wonder whether she'll ever be a part of this child's life. It'll bring you even closer."
Nodding, Carly just wondered how many times Rosanna could swallow her dreams and watch someone achieve them. Even if it was her sister. Especially her sister.
It was late afternoon when Carly finished the alterations to Sage's costume. Critically eyeing it one last time as Sage twirled, she started putting away her tools. "Now, young lady, hang that up carefully in your room. If I see it on the floor, it will not be pretty."
Sage rolled her eyes. "I'm not a baby anymore, Mom."
It hit Carly that it was true in more ways than one. "You, my sweetheart, will always be my Little Lima Bean."
"Mom!" Sage protested, wrinkling her nose at the rarely used nickname. "Don't call me that!"
Carly sighed. Her little girl was more grown up by the day. "As soon as I'm feeling a little better, we'll have a girls' only day. Whatever you want to do. Shopping, manicure/pedicure, movies...whatever."
"Okay!" She started to leave, but then stopped in the doorway. "Madison's mom takes her to a cooking class."
"You want to learn to cook?" Carly asked in amazement. Uncooperatively, her stomach lurched at the suggestion of food. And somewhat perversely, she imagined being tied down, forced to watch Janet bond with Sage while making mountains of meatballs. The thought Sage missed time with Janet cut her to the quick.
"Well...no. Teri and I had fun last summer. Aunt Emma taught me how to follow recipes. It's just something they do." Flushing under her mother's fixed stare, she mumbled "...nevermind."
"Do?" Carly walked over, leaning against the doorway, and gently inched Sage's chin up to look her in the eye. "Is there something you would like to try?"
"I don't know. I suppose with the baby coming, you'll be busy anyway."
"Sage Tenney Snyder...I will never, ever be too busy for you," Carly admonished tenderly.
"Babies take up a lot of time."
"I remember." Carly brushed Sage's hair over her shoulder, recalling how fine her hair had once been. "After you were born, Daddy joked that twenty-four hour shifts and stakeouts were the best training possible for a new parent."
"That sounds like something Daddy would say."
"He used to love taking you to the park. Afterward, you would snuggle up on his chest and be out for three solid hours. And while he was with you at the park," Carly continued, shushing Sage before she could impatiently question the point of the story, "I was with Parker, taking swimming lessons that summer. So we could have time that was just us."
"If you want to have a time every week to hang out with your ol' mom, consider it done. Short of rock-climbing, we can do anything you want."
Sage wrapped her arms around Carly's waist. "But-"
"I won't breathe a word of this to the boys. Not even your dad," Carly assured her. "Us girls need to stick together."
"It's just that Parker always calls me a brat. He says I whine 'til I get what I want."
"Well, I don't think that's true at all. He just likes to tease."
Sage looked up, resting her chin on Carly's shoulder. "Is it going to be a girl? It would sort of be nice."
"It's too early, another month or so maybe before the doctors can tell." Sage's face fell just a little, she clearly wanted to know. But losing her unique position in the house would be unfamiliar territory. Carly recognized the proprietary instinct immediately. "I'll tell you a secret though."
"What?" Sage asked brightly, eager to be in on her mother's latest confidence.
"I am 99 percent sure it's a boy." The boy/girl debate had been the only point of contention during the honeymoon. Jack insisted it was a girl. Carly not only insisted it was a boy, but that he would be the mirror imagine of his father. Jack teasingly started addressing the baby as "Princess", just to start arguments that ended up in bed. Carly caught on very quickly, but wrangled a bet. They would wait until the birth to find out the sex-and whoever was right got to pick the name-no objections allowed.
"Were you right about me?"
"Nope, I was wrong," Carly smiled. "And I was wrong about Parker," she conceded. "But I have a really strong feeling this time." It was hard to explain how she knew. Maybe it was more of a wish, seeing how excited Jack had been when Janet had been carrying "his" son.
Buried in the deepest part of her subconscious, there was another, darker conviction. She had the daughter she was meant to have. The one and only one she would ever have.
"Hey. How about we go pick up pizza for supper? And on the way, we'll stop at The Cake Connection and pick up whatever dessert you want."
"Even a triple chocolate hazelnut cheesecake?"
"Yep!" Elated, Sage took off to her room to change, while Carly phoned in the pizza order, called Parker and Jack and found her spare set of car keys that had been missing for a month. Sage still hadn't come down. "C'mon, Sage, I ordered the pizza for tonight, not next week!" Carly groused.
"Okay, okay," floated downstairs admist a clatter from the upstairs bathroom and feet pounding back to her room.
"I'm leaving in five...four...three..." Carly counted down as she buttoned her coat and twisted the door knob. "TWO..." she called out louder, opening the door.
"One. Hello, Carly."
