8. Requiem
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There were two overwhelming sensations. His heart pounding in his chest and the hot suffocating air choking his lungs.
Katie could be in here. He had to find her.
Exposed against the door, sunlight at his back made it imperative to maintain cover. One wrong move and he'd be a sitting duck.
Engulfed in the darkness, he heard a baby's cry. "Police! Put down your weapons! he shouted. Two shots whistled past his ear.
He squeezed the trigger twice. He felt the gun recoil; smelled the sharp tang of gunpowder discharging into the air. Then silence.
Katie appeared out of the darkness. "You've killed my husband! My son is never going to know his father!"
Henry stood by her, shaking his head. "Janet told you not to come. Who allows a civilian to tag along on a call?"
"I couldn't have shot Brad. Brad's not supposed to be here!" he insisted sickly.
"I'm right here, Jack." Bathed in a white light so bright it hurt to look at him, Brad appeared. "You swore it would never happen again. When will you ever learn? Go ahead...see for yourself." Sternly, Brad pointed to a body lying at his feet.
Compelled, Jack knelt down. Fighting the bile rising in his throat, he turned the body over.
Parker's face stared back at him.
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Bolting straight up from his bed, Jack gulped air into his lungs, fighting the urge to cry out. Disoriented, he ran his hand through his hair, waiting for the pain in his chest to ease.
It was just a dream. Check that. Nightmare.
He knew it would be hard. Firsts always were. He'd found himself drifting aimlessly this last week, thoughts of Brad popping into his head. What he'd think about the Cubs' pitching, the Bears defense, the latest Kim Kardashian hook up, and that squirrel "bicycling" video on youtube everyone had forwarded to him.
It was hard to believe it had been a year since Brad's death. At least in some ways. With the seismic shifts in his personal life, it could have been five. He was back in Milltown. Child on the way. Married to Carly. Jack could only imagine what his brother would have to say about that. It probably would have started with are you crazy, man? and ended with it's about time, bonehead. That's just the way his brother had been. In the end, Brad wanted everyone to be happy.
But seeing Jacob, it was painfully clear how short a time it had been. How much his brother had missed. How much he would never experience.
Yet as painful as the last year had been, how could he wish it away? Here...now...meant everything to him.
The birthday party had been one long ordeal, starting with the awkward gathering that included Craig and Dusty, who hated each other on a good day. Throw in Margo, eternally trying to play referee between her siblings; the fact Carly and Rosanna were no longer speaking; Janet staring daggers at Lily; Holden being rubbed the wrong way simply being in the same room with Craig and Dusty...it seemed no one was comfortable.
And as everyone split off into their little groups, it struck him-everyone in the room had a sibling to talk with-or not. Margo was hustling between Craig and Katie over some imagined slight; Carly and Rosanna tried ignoring each other; Janet was in the corner whispering with Teri. Chris and Andy were snapping pictures of the birthday boy. Parker and Sage trying to lighten JJ's mood. Nat and Ethan making faces to get Jacob to smile for his pictures as Faith rolled her eyes. Johnny bragging to everyone about Lorenzo. Even Barbara and Henry showed up with Maddie in tow.
And they were all looking at him. Trying not to be too obvious in their pity, today of all days.
Maybe it was all in his head. Guilt and paranoia skewing his perception.
The breaking point came when Lily gathered the kids in a group picture to send to Emma. The girls, anticipating the tradition from multitudes of Snyder family birthdays, were checking themselves in the hallway mirror. The boys formed a semi-circle around Jacob's highchair as they waited.
It was like seeing a time lapse photograph-Jacob's face from age one to eighteen.
A sick feeling had come over him, and he bolted. He thought once he got outside into the fresh fall air, he could regain his balance. Instead, he found himself in the car, peeling away from the curb as Carly stood in the driveway.
Swinging his legs out from the covers, he leaned over the edge of the bed. It was only then he realized he was bathed in a cold sweat, chilled to the bone. Looking over his shoulder, he was grateful Carly was still sleeping peacefully. She needed rest.
Painstakingly making his way in the dark, he closed the door before turning on the bathroom light. The reflection that greeted him was grim-bloodshot eyes, ashen skin, hair plastered to his scalp. Turning the shower on, he stripped away the clammy t-shirt and boxers, and stepped under the spray.
Carly rolled over, vaguely aware she was alone in bed.
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The bathroom was thick with steam. Jack felt the hot spray stinging his skin, but none of the heat permeated to his core. Giving up, he shut off the water, briskly running a towel from head to toe before wrapping it around his hips. Swiping through the middle of the fogged over mirror, he reevaluated his appearance. A llttle less scary, but not much.
Stealing back into the bedroom, he'd barely had a moment to sit down on the bed before he felt her eyes on him. "Sorry I woke you. Go back to sleep," he pleaded.
"Did you sleep at all?"
"Thought a shower would help. Think I'll go down and watch some tv."
The slump of his shoulders told her all she needed to know. Pushing herself up, she wrapped her arm around his waist, laying her cheek against his shoulder blade.
Jack smiled; a continuous, enduring lifeline. How many times had she reached out to him at a low point in his life? Too many times to count. He clasped her arm, feeling the warmth flow as he interlaced their fingers and hugged it closer to his body. "Sorry I took off."
His voice broke, and Carly's heart along with it. Wrapping her other arm around him she squeezed. "I wish I could tell you someday it won't hurt anymore." Carly kept her voice low and soothing, feeling some of the tension leave his body.
Jack brushed his lips against the back of her hand before continuing. "I would give anything to go back and relive that day. To not have stopped at Yo's. To know Brad was there. To wait another half second before I returned fire."
"It may not have changed anything, Jack."
"I know that." Turning, he rested his forehead on hers, cradling the back of her head. "But I wouldn't have the slightest doubt. I wouldn't have any guilt. I wouldn't feel like I stole my brother's life."
"No one thinks that."
"Why not? Here I am, a year later, happily married. Baby on the way. In a few months, I'm going to be holding our child. It's not fair!"
Tears shining in her eyes, she ran her fingers through his hair. "No, G-man, it isn't. It stinks. But it's not black and white, either or. We didn't come at their expense. You have to believe that. Otherwise it will eat away at you. Stinkin' thinkin'. It'll get you everytime."
"I don't want to repeat my mistakes. Any of them," he added, swallowing hard as the image of Parker's lifeless body from his nightmare flashed through his mind.
"Then listen to me. Come back to bed."
Her light smile wrapped around him like a life jacket. She always won. Thank God she's never given up on me. "Maybe I'll just lie here until you go to sleep."
Carly let him go, scooting back to her half of the bed, and lying on the edge of her pillow. Naked, he followed her under the covers, meeting her in the middle of the bed. It brought back a memory from nearly two years before-lying here with her the night before his wedding, saying goodbye again, and how much he'd wanted to console her inconsolable pain. Jack cupped Carly's cheek, bringing his lips to hers. "Promise me there's nothing left unsaid between us."
"We've said everything from I love you to I wish I didn't. Holding back isn't our problem."
"Brad's last words to me were "make sure she's okay". All he could think about was making sure she wasn't scared."
"I think that's understandable-he knew she'd given birth."
"Then I think-if it had gone the other way. If I had been lying there. If I had died a year ago...what...would you have known how much I loved you?"
"Shhh-shhh" she mumbled between kisses, pressing her body to his. "I always knew, Jack. Always."
Jack took possession of her mouth, letting all of the warring emotions pour out of him as her lips parted and he plundered the sweetness within. Carly arched against him as he stroked her tongue with his, letting him feel the way her heart thudded in her chest at his touch. A soft moan came from the back of her throat as she pulled him on top of her, digging her nails into his back as his full weight pinned her to the bed.
Carly flushed hotly as he settled in between her thighs, feeling the searing length of his shaft so close to her slick channel. She held her breath has his hand slid under the hem of the oversized nightshirt she wore. It settled over her hip, leveraging her against him as he slowly rocked against her, teasing her with a preview of things to come.
Savoring the heat that now permeated his bones, Jack sought out the pounding pulse at her neck, flicking his tongue along the collarbone to her nape. Carly tilted her head, an invitation to The Spot; the sensitive patch they'd discovered long ago sent a welcome shudder of desire through both of them. He took full advantage of it now, throwing gas on their already devouring need.
Carly quivered under him, pure want coiling tightly at her core. She shut her eyes, riding the waves of exhilartion coursing through her body. The ache at her core was mercilessly manipulated, ignored as Jack explored the rest of her body. He palmed her breasts through the thin layer of silk that clung to them, circling her already hardened nipples with his thumb until they seemed too painful to bear. Just at the point she was ready to sob, the material slid away and his mouth closed over the tip of her right breast, scraping his tongue over it as he suckled her flesh. Torment became pleasure as he moved from peak to peak, dividing his attentions, nipping at one while caressing the other.
Impatient, Carly turned up the heat, letting one hand steal between them, stroking the thick length burrowed into her thigh. She knew she'd gotten his attention by the hitch in his breath and the break in his rhythmn. It pulsed in her hand as she encircled it, steadily pumping as she swept her hand along the breath and scope of his erection. It brought a smile to her lips as Jack drove his hips against it, relishing the feel.
Groaning, Jack returned to ravage her mouth, driving his tongue deep inside to duel with hers. It became a battle. One with a common goal, but a growing impatience to give in to the bliss that was on the verge of overwhelming them. Breathless, Jack dragged himself away again, trailing kisses down the length of her body. He felt Carly stiffen as he sank lower, anticipating every caress. She spiraled up when he found her core, wrapping his hands around her thighs as he teased the dampness with his tongue.
Carly buried her hands in his hair, angling them both to the very center of her pleasure. Her hips stuttered against his mouth, seeking the fulfillment only he could provide. Jack scraped the sensitized bud with his tongue, eliciting a primitive moan from her. He gently loosened her hands from his head, grasping one in his and letting the other knot in a tangle of sheets by her side. Slipping a finger inside, he pistoned into her underbelly as he suckled the swollen node, setting off a series of convulsions that sent Carly over the edge, electrifying her body as it spiraled out of control.
Jack was still rock hard as eased up her slight frame, loving the way she anchored herself to him in the midst of her climax. He hovered over her, grinning boyishly when she locked eyes with him, arching up to kiss him gratefully. With the slightest touch, he acquiesed, bringing her up and sinking against the mattress as she straddled him.
She shrugged the clinging nightwear from her shoulders, letting it fall to the floor carelessly. Leaning forward, she kissed him again, crushing her breasts against his hard chest as she caressed his face. Then much like he had, Carly teased and tormented him, kissing, biting, licking and grinding against him until she thought he would explode.
As much as she wanted to sink her lips around his shaft, she drew back from it, barely brushing the swollen head with her thumb before rising up to guide him inside her, finally embedding it's engorged length in her own heated depths.
"Damn," Jack growled primitively, arching his hips up as she sank around him.
Carly chuckled huskily, rotating her hips counterclockwise and delighting as his eyes rolled back into his head. Taking her time, she focused on long, smooth strokes until Jack's eyes focused on her again.
Pushing himself up, Jack wrapped an arm around her back, flattening her body against him. Their sweat mingled together, exertion flushing their cheeks a deep pink. Eyes riveted, they kissed, then rocked to a steamy cadence with a final burst. Wicked tremors echoed through them, finally cresting with a sultry release in Carly's womb.
They clung to each other, blocking out everything but the blissful waves that washed through them and the feel of their bodies melted together.
Slowly, they eased back together, reclaiming some of their sanity and easing back to stretch out on the bed. Jack kissed the top of her head, running his hands down her back as she relaxed on top of him. Carly kissed his still damp chest as she listened to his heartbeat slowly calming beneath her.
Still relishing the feel of him inside her, she stayed where she was, propping her chin on his chest to smile at him. He pressed his cheek against her hand when she brought it up to smooth his hair, and offered a smokey kiss in return. When he blushed and turned away, Carly laid a finger along his jaw and swiveled his head back. "What?" she asked, her voice still ragged and low.
"I was just remembering."
"I'll take that as a good sign," she said, raising her eyes suggestively. "Anything in particular I should file under "favorites"?"
A burst of laughter came from him before he kissed her lightly. "Everything," he uttered contentedly, playfully squeezing her backside.
"But that wasn't what you were thinking," she concluded, reading his face.
Conceding the point, Jack shook his head. He brushed her hair off her face, tucking long strands behind both her ears. "Remember our first kiss?"
"How could I forget? It took forever to finally get it out of you. And believe me, if the cabin hadn't been overflowing, I would have locked the door and kept you to myself for the next week."
"Really?"
"Believe it, G-man," she answered dryly.
"Well, I'm glad you didn't."
Snorting, Carly expressed clear doubt at that claim.
"I am." Gazing at her, Jack clearly recalled the moment-how hot and still the night had been, the spicy fragrance from the white yarrow surrounding the cabin filling the air. Her hair had been shorter than his then, with eyes bluer than the clear Montana sky. She had been and still was, the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.
He ran his thumb over her full lower lip. "I know I said a lot tonight...this last year about wanting to change things. Events. But I don't want you to doubt...I wouldn't change a moment I've had with you. Good, bad or ugly. It's the reason I'm still standing. Why I can get up every morning and live with the fact the bullet that killed Brad came from my gun."
"Jack-"
"No...let me say it. I've been quick to blame. Pull away. Let me give credit where credit is due. I've learned what it means to be resilient watching you. I meant it when I said you pulled me back. I don't know anyone else who could have walked me out of that Hell the way you did. You've always dragged me into the present. From the moment you threw Molly in my face in Montana and dared me to prove otherwise. That's why I remembered our kiss. That one moment made everything in our life possible. You are my miracle."
