A/N: Hi everyone, thank you for the fabulous response to this story. Apologies this is only a short update. I will be working on another chapter very soon though that will hopefully be longer.
Hope you enjoy x
You are lucky you have even this from me.
You must understand that whatever this infatuation is that you have with me has to stop. It is not what I want, I have never wanted this and especially not with you. So I want you to stop this, and no that is not a request it is an order.
I don't know how to love very well, so I chose not to.
Understatement of the century right there, and a whole load of rubbish, I know she is capable of love. I have seen her do it. This is her putting up that brick wall like I do, a defence mechanism to keep love out, pain at bay and all that stuff.
Your very expressive note has left me speechless, and no before you get excited not because the feelings are mutual, but because it was a shock.
Also it was barely legible and next time you wish to share your thoughts please do so in a way I can actually understand and make sense of.
Tear stains do not help when they have smudged words.
There was no structure in what I read and by the end of it I was sure that was no letter. Your rambled, scrambling's of 'love' as you call it were not taken kindly by myself. I did not need you to express such views as you had handled your feelings so well the other day in my bedroom.
What I am saying to you I mean.
I stop there for just a moment not wanting to read on. Well the first half is certainly comedic in the sarcasm stakes. I don't know whether to interpret this as positive or just the build up for a very horrific and painful disposal.
Taking another sip of coffee, I bravely continue to read.
So down to business...
Yes you should be mad at yourself. Mistake really isn't the right phrasing, try disaster.
Now lets be clear on this; I understood you perfectly and I said nothing because I had nothing to say to you. You cannot just do what you did and then blurt out something like that and expect everything to be ok. That was a huge declaration of your 'feelings'.
I swallow hard at that. Ok, its not a blatant no but its not exactly, thank you for telling me and I love you too.
Yep, I am disappointed, it was kinda what I had been hoping for.
Now you asked me what you do now. Trust me you do not wish for me to answer such a question. Will I talk to you?
NO...
This is all you are getting.
Out of the options to say that you gave me, none of them are my choice expression at this moment, yet that is subject to change. So beware.
I sigh and take another sip of coffee. I am not sure whether to be relieved about that or worried she feels something worse. Still though I punish myself by reading.
In answer to the question scribbled under that, the answer is yes. Just so that you are aware you are spot on with the next few lines. You do hurt me.
In terms of being friends...leave that with me, I will re-evaluate our situation when I am feeling calmer.
Phew! Something a little positive I suppose.
However, moving on to the rest of your scribble.
You are not wrong in any of its content. You have shifted the axis and placed me in a very difficult position. There are consequences of this. There always are and you should know this!
The comment about me not even realising your scribbles were about me, that would make a lot more sense if you hadn't addressed the piece to me and sent it!
Lets be clear on something else also, I do not want the pressure of it all being about me, that was very unfair of you. I have my own life, places to go, people to see, I will not spend every waking hour being of your concern and pampering to you. Way too much pressure.
I swallow hard, feeling a little guilty and get the urge to apologise, but that is soon lost when I continue reading.
The next part of your note, well there are just too many tear stains on that for me to even make sense of what the ink formed before it became smudges.
I chuckle at that for a moment before reading on.
Now lastly, I did read your letter properly and stop apologising, it's just pathetic.
I am disappointed to find that is it, nothing more after that and I am actually quite heartbroken. I know it wasn't a no, but it wasn't exactly a confirmation, in fact it doesn't even show mutual understanding.
Sighing heavily I throw the paper onto the desk in front of me and just stare at it.
Well...
I take another sip of coffee.
What am I supposed to do now?
