Well its been a few hours since she fled unexpectedly and strangely I still find myself sat here. Everything she says worries me to an extent. Is she sure those feelings are really what they seem or does she just care for my happiness and is confusing it for love.
It is a most complicated subject.
I believe she meant what she said to me but it still leaves me very much in the dark. She didn't really explain why and I do understand it is most difficult to explain to me how, but what she said really had very little meaning at all.
I am conflicted and I don't know what to do. That is why I find myself still sat here.
I can't help wondering if she is alright.
As difficult as this is for me I am beginning to understand, or at least I think I do how hard all of this must be for her. It isn't easy to lay your heart bare and I am aware of her past relationships. All disastrous of course but I don't think she was completely to blame for that.
I have had my own past relationships, I mean I know how well they didn't go so of course I have an understanding of that side of her feelings, but her loving me is what I am struggling with the most.
It is difficult, a woman with another woman when she has never been that way inclined before. She told me about those men, the past and what happened. Never before has there been a mention of this nature. It is so strange.
Where did it come from? I am certain I never gave her any impression that this was how I saw her or what I desired, or did I? Unconsciously maybe.
Is this my fault?
Actually I do hope she is alright.
I am a wreck and on the verge of pulling my hair out.
Oh god why did I get up and run. I can't run back now it is too late.
Do I apologise? Ask to meet up again?
Oh I don't know.
I am driving myself crazy and I am deeply unhappy.
So I guess you all want to know where I ran to. I wish I could tell you of a happy place or somewhere nice but I have ended up back in the confines of my room and trying to avoid the world.
I would be crying again, its like second nature now but I am all cried out over her. I spent so many years not crying at all and then I have cried so much over her recently I just can't do it anymore, so I lie in a trance like state and just mentally torture myself.
I go over and over everything. brushing through it with a fine tooth comb, searching for answers and finding absolutely nothing.
This is torture!
I know and I am torturing myself and before you ask no I don't know why I do it. I just always have.
Life seems to kick me down when I get a tiny sliver of happiness. That little bit of hope and I just lose it always. Something gets taken away, someone changes, someone leaves me and then I end up where I started; alone.
I sit and stare into space. Frightened by the prospect that going to try and 'talk' has potentially made this whole situation worse. My mind then is blank and can think and muse over one idea only and that was the one I had to disappear.
But...I don't want her to be upset.
Do you think it would upset her if I did? If I just went quiet and wasn't there anymore. She didn't see me or hear from me in any way. If I made sure I completely disappeared, no traces, no evidence that I still exist. After all I am really good at slipping off of the radar and changing.
It is just as I am seriously contemplating that again that my cell beeps. I slowly retrieve it from the bedside and open up the message from her.
Are you ok?
I don't know what to make of it. Should I reply, leave it, ignore it completely, delete it?
Is it going to have a positive outcome or negative?
Does it have potential or is it just a waste of my time?
I swallow hard and think for a moment when another message pops in.
Are you there?
Oh no she is worried.
Now I feel horrible, for everything, running out and contemplating disappearing on her. She doesn't deserve it, not even as just a friend.
She has been good to me.
I quickly reply.
Yeah I am fine are you?
I leave off the kiss on purpose. I don't want to push it but I have asked her because I am seriously wondering about her.
Believe it or not I only care about her. I may sound selfish sometimes but I don't mean to. I want nothing more than for her to be happy and I meant every word of what I said to her. I love her smile and I love when she is happy. That makes me happy, knowing she is ok, knowing that she isn't alone and scared, knowing that she knows that she is loved, whether she wants the love or not and also knowing that even though she might deny it at times that she is cared for.
That is my only goal out of this.
Her happiness.
