Author's ranting:
Finally, I present you chapter three.
Chapter four should really follow soon and I've almost finished writing the chapter after that.
This one is sort of a filler, it was originally supposed to be part of chapter two, but I wanted to update and didn't really have inspiration for these scenes...
While I can't promise faster updates, I'll do my best to make it possible.
Spoken words are set in ""
Thoughts are italic
Disclaimer: I don't own NGE or its characters, never will, obviously it doesn't stop me from writing these things.
P.S. I think this chapter is quite weak, I'm not at all satisfied with it, but I really can't help it. I worked on it quite a while and it doesn't get any better, so I finally decided to post it.
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One Mistake:
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Chapter Three – Small steps
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The two teens took their time to return to Rei's room.
Asuka really had trouble walking now and had to lean heavily on Shinji, because the muscles in her legs and back were tightening up like hell.
Yet Shinji had a lot to tell his fellow pilot and so the time was well used.
The astonishing revelations about what had happened during the time she was "away" and about the background of NERV and SEELE, were unsettling to say the least, but they sure did manage to take her mind away from her more personal hell for the time being.
On the other hand the revelations forced her thoughts to wander in another unpleasant direction.
Deep down inside Asuka knew she didn't think enough about how the people around her felt, as long as it didn't concern her.
She knew she appeared selfish and egotistical to others and most of the time she didn't even care.
No one was looking out for her and no one had for a long, long time.
So wasn't it just natural for her to look out for herself? So that at least one person put her before everything else?
Certainly it was, but recent events had shown her that her mother never had stopped caring for her and that the third child cared for her as well.
´With this in mind she found herself caring for others again, feeling sorry for what Shinji, Rei and even Misato had gone through in the last few weeks.
It was as if some part of her that had lain dormant for along time, had now awakened and started to stir her up.
She even felt slightly sorry for what her breakdown had done to Shinji, after hearing in more detail how badly he had reacted to it.
Of course she wasn't responsible for his pain, after all it had been her who had been hurt, her who had been crushed.
But knowing how much it had affected him almost made her happy in some strange way.
She was disturbed in her musings, by the absence of motion because Shinji had stopped walking and she found him studying her face intently.
"Are you okay, Asuka?"He asked with a worried expression on his gentle face.
"We can stop here for a while, if it hurts too much."
For a moment she felt anger welling up inside her.
How dare the Baka suggest that she was weak and couldn't go on?
How…
„Ah! But I'm getting so sick of this."
She thought tiredly.
„Always getting angry about nothing, always putting him down for trying to be nice. Somehow I don't know what's in it for me any more."
The anger faded away and was replaced with a certain „fondness."
She flicked Shinji a short, small smile, turning his expression to confusion and on a whim she leaned closer in to him and gave him a peck on the cheek.
The boy flushed furiously, his hand instinctively going up to his cheek, contemplatively touching it.
The redhead snickered internally, some things definitely didn't change and wouldn't for a long time. The power her smallest sign of affection or teasing held over Shinji was intoxicating.
"Oi, Baka! I'm fine. So stop daydreaming and let's hurry up a bit.
I can't wait for you to say goodbye to your little „sister" and get the hell out of here.
Every time I come here, I hate it even more."
Unwanted images of Shinji laying in one of these rooms, flashed before her minds eye.
Rei sitting near him, reading as usual.
"And I was always waiting outside. Of course I couldn't show him or her openly that I was worried too, but I couldn't stay away as well, could I?"
Then she remembered herself….
No!
She wouldn't allow herself to think about that.
To her convenience they arrived at Rei's door at that moment.
Asuka eased herself from Shinji's supporting hands and straightened herself up.
She had already used a sanitation unit in an empty room to clean herself from the traces of her earlier breakdown, but was it enough?
She stopped Shinji's hand going to the door's handle.
"Ah, Shinji. Do I look all right? I don't want the doll or Misato to see that I've been crying."
"Ano, Asuka. I wish you would stop calling her that. Do you really need to put her down any longer? I think…"
"Shut up, Baka! I was just kidding. I won't insult your precious Imouto anymore. Now turn your attention back to something important. Back to me! Do I look okay?"
Shinji rubbed his neck and lowered his gaze to the ground.
"Of course you do. Y-you are b-beautiful as always."
Without wanting it, Asuka felt a faint blush emerge on her face.
"Beautiful? Baka Shinji, always overdoing it…"
She mumbled quietly and gave the third child a light slap on the back of his head.
"Don't try to flatter me with compliments, Baka!"
And almost as an added afterthought.
"But thanks anyway, third child, even if you're lying."
"Nani? You know I would never lie about…"
To stop his ramblings, Asuka quickly opened the door and shoved Shinji through it.
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Inside the atmosphere seemed to be quiet and relaxed.
Misato was sitting next to the bed and was in what appeared to be an easygoing conversation with the pale first child.
To both Asuka's and Shinji's surprise the quiet and timid Maya Ibuki sat on a chair on the other side of Rei's bed and was in the process of peeling an apple with a small fruit knife.
All three women looked at the new arrivals.
Rei's expression visibly lightened up and she couldn't seem to help smiling at her two fellow pilots.
Asuka felt strangely touched by this small, unsure smile on Rei's face.
With all that Shinji had just told her, a lot of her memories were put into new perspective. Again images flashed before her minds TV screen.
Images of the selfless actions of the first child, of how she had risked her life for her fellow pilots.
Of her quiet and calm ways and how she always appeared disconnected to the rest of humanity, just a few loose connections to… well just to two people actually, Commander Ikari and Shinji.
She remembered Rei's expressionless features whenever she started to attack and insult the white haired girl.
How Rei even allowed her to slap her in the face when they argued in the elevator that one time.
The young german girl felt ashamed. She cursed silently.
"Just what is wrong with me… Why do I suddenly feel sorry for how I treated the puppet?"
For the first time Asuka realized that her ordeals with the 15th angel and everything that happened before and after it, had not only led her to reassert herself, but had as well taken away most of her ability to fool herself.
No longer was she able to cheat herself into believing that it was okay to ease her own pain by lashing out at others who were equally hurt.
And so she felt ashamed and she felt regret.
What could have been if she would have been able to make friends with Rei, if she could have been at least a bit more honest about her feelings for Shinji?
Was it too late already? Or was there any chance to steer her life into a new direction?
Yet even after all this, she couldn't find it in herself to ask for forgiveness or admit her mistakes to the ones she had wronged.
She knew it was stupid, but she refused to let go of the last vestiges of her pride she had left.
Azael may have forced her to look beyond her pride and aggression at that scared, broken, little girl inside her, but her pride and stubbornness were also part of herself.
It was not just a mask, a shell, it was also part of her personality.
Not all of it was a façade. She was proud of herself and rightly so. She had accomplished a lot in her short life.
With all that she had been put through, she had still managed to become an EVA pilot, to get her university degrees at such a young age and in such a short time.
And she was beautiful, being proud of it and using it to her advantage, didn't make it less true.
All this went through the redheads mind in the short moment after she saw Rei's smile.
Maybe… maybe she could just try to…
„Maybe I can start over… Maybe we all can start over. So much has happened yesterday to all of us. I'm the great Asuka Langley Soryu after all. How could the doll… How could Rei and Shinji resist my charming personality if I set my mind to it? They will be happy that I want to be friends with them…
Ah, who am I kidding? I really want this to work. I will put every effort into it."
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She summoned a big, friendly grin on her face, not a fake one, but something true, even if slightly exaggerated.
Holding onto her pride like it was the last piece of her clothing left, she walked up to the bed and came to stand next to Maya Ibuki who had stopped peeling the apple and was looking at the pilot expectantly.
Ignoring the timid woman for know Asuka concentrated on the girl lying before her.
Rei looked up to her face and if she hadn't known it before already, seeing the unsure, but open expression on the first child's face would have told her that the albino had changed as much, if not more than she had.
Reluctantly and slowly she held out her hand and let it sink on the first child's shoulder giving it a reassuring squeeze.
"Ano Rei, I…"
She stopped unsure how to continue. Rei's eyes searched her face.
Asuka forced herself to smile again, apologetically.
"Gomen, Rei. This is a bit hard for me. After all we weren't the best of friends…"
At hearing this Rei's expression changed to a more cautious one, perhaps fearing what sort of fuzz the second Child was about to start now.
Asuka noticed the change in Rei's features, but didn't allow herself to be stopped by this obstacle.
„Th-that's why I wanted to tell you… I'm really happy that you are okay. And from now on I want… I want us to try and be friends."
The redhead studied her counterpart's face.
Rei showed no reaction to her statement.
Again the german girl felt anger rising inside her.
"The nerve of her! Here I go and offer peace to her and she just continues staring stupidly at me. Oh how I hate her and her stupid doll face and…"
She stopped herself.
"Way to fall back into old habits, Asuka! You better show her how much you want this by starting to insult her again. Baka Asuka!"
She smiled again and ran a hand over Rei's hair.
"I'm really… I really… This is no joke, Rei. I'm not trying to fool you or something. A lot… a lot has happened to us all and I want…"
She didn't know what else to say.
It didn't seem necessary after all, because Rei's smile appeared again, this time more sure of itself and broader and she took Asuka's hand and squeezed it reassuringly.
Or so it could have happened if Asuka weren't Asuka.
In the end she couldn't bring herself to do or say it.
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Instead she just smiled at Rei for a moment and said:
"Hi Rei, how are you?"
Rei blinked at her, an unasked question in her eyes.
"I'm better than I had hoped to be yesterday."
Which was about as cryptic as Asuka was used to from the pale Albino.
"Great, that's just great. Well anyway, I hope you get better soon. Baka Shinji will be unbearable as long as his girlfriend is in the hospital."
It was an answer which befitted the german girl, except that there was no evil intent behind it and her tone suggested, that she really was just joking around a bit.
"And that's that! I can't do more than that. A few weeks ago, I hated her so much, I couldn't even stand to talk to her anymore."
The redhead thought to herself, even this small step was enough to make her insides cringe, but she was ready to go through with it.
An uneasy silence hung over the room now.
No one seemed to know how to lift this awkward atmosphere.
Asuka felt a little embarrassed and couldn't shake the feeling that she still had managed to lose face in front of the others.
Shinji and Misato, while they both were probably okay with the development, were dumbfounded by musing what exactly Asuka's intentions were.
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Finally Maya Ibuki cleared her throat and offered the first slice of apple to Rei.
"H- here Rei-chan, you should s-start to eat, fruits are good for y-you."
Clearly uneasy with the attention her remark got her, the young woman blushed furiously but nonetheless started to feed the apple slices to the recovering first child.
After a moment of startled wonder, Rei relaxed into her cushions and let the other woman attend to her.
But not before she caught Asuka's gaze and gave her another of those unsure smiles of hers. Small and insecure and somehow looking as if Rei wasn't exactly sure how to move the muscles in her face to gain the desired effect.
Yet she managed anyway and added a small nod to her smile.
Asuka nodded back with an almost unmoved face, just a small tinge of red showed on her cheeks.
Rei had to open her mouth to catch another slice of apple.
Even now after the changes in her, human emotions and feelings still were a book with seven seals and she was unable to understand why the timid computer specialist was here now and clearly trying to be of help and to comfort her.
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Asuka and Shinji, who had joined Maya at Rei's bedside, decided to just stay as they were and after a short while, the pain in her muscles and back forced the redhead to again let herself be supported by the dark-haired teen.
Misato watched the whole scenario before her with a happy smile.
Never had she dared to expect something like what she had just seen from Asuka, it might seem just a little step in the right direction, but for Asuka it was definitely something.
All in all, the three pilots seemed changed and for the better.
Shinji was more at ease with himself, he even stood straighter and taller.
Asuka was more relaxed than ever before and she displayed neither the terrible husk of herself she had been after the 15th angels attack, nor the boisterous, intolerable brat she had been so often before that.
With insight uncommon to her, Misato realized that part of Asuka's excruciatingly strong drive for attention and her horrible ambition to always be the strongest, bravest and most praised, had been gone or was at least severely diminished.
And Rei was almost a totally different person, where she had always be detached from humanity, the girl was now eager to get closer to it.
She was shy, afraid and ready to escape like a deer at the first sight of rejection, but the fact alone, that she really seemed to desire human contact was a giant step for the first child.
Misato's line of thought was interrupted when she heard a frustrated sigh escape from Asuka. Checking the young redhead, the Major realized that the days effort had taken a toll from Asuka's still frail and weakened form.
The young german leaned heavily on the boy beside her, with her right arm resting on his shoulders and her left hand clinging to his left shoulder.
She was almost hunched over and couldn't hide an expression of pain any longer.
Shinji realized his friends predicament at the same time and quickly wrapped his arm around the girls slim waist.
His gaze revealed that he was a little afraid that he would garner an angry reaction, like he probably would have in the past, but instead the girl smiled and leaned into him a little more.
The dark-haired boy slowly led Asuka to the only chair in the room that was free and carefully eased her onto it, while he came to stand behind her.
His right hand stayed on her shoulder as if to reassure her and surprisingly enough her own right hand rested on his and held it in a soft grip.
Misato was almost shocked to see this display of affection between the two pilots. Did either of them even realize how close they seemed.
The Major felt a painful twinge inside her when she remembered Kaji.
Her lover had always suspected that Shinji was more than just infatuated with the beautiful, german girl and more importantly, the agent had believed that underneath Asuka's arrogant and hurtful mask deeper feelings for the boy were hidden.
Now for the first time Misato was ready to believe this and she wished, oh how she wished to share this with her love. How much she would love to see his confident smirk when he'd go:
"Told ya so, Misato!"
How he would just laugh it all off, when she'd start to get angry about his smug expression and know-it-all attitude. He would just stay calm and smile, even when she started hurling abuse at him.
And then he might finally grab her and close her mouth with his lips and he...
The Major felt her eyes mist over and quickly wiped them with her hand.
Time to go. Time to go home and loose herself in a bottle to gain a few hours sleep.
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"Come on, kids! We've got an apartment to clean up and when I look at Asuka, it seems someone needs a hot bath to relax strained muscles ."
And with a mischievous grin Misato added.
"Or perhaps you would prefer a massage from Shinji-kun, ne Asuka?"
Shinji's face turned dark red and he managed to almost disappear behind the red-head's chair.
While the girl turned red as well, it was for different reasons.
"Shut up, you old hag! You... you arrgghh!"
Once again words failed her, as usual none of her smarts really helped her, when Misato started to tease her about Shinji.
The major laughed and then relented.
"Just kidding, Asuka. But really I think you should rest, you are still pretty weak and need it."
Asuka gave in, as there really was no place for an argument.
She shrugged her shoulders.
"Fine by me."
"Shinji?"
The boy nodded.
"Okay then. Rei. Goodbye. We'll visit you again soon. I'll at least bring Shinji around tomorrow."
The white-haired girl briefly looked at each of them and nodded.
"Goodbye, Major. Pilot Soryu... Shinji."
And after a pause, almost as if trying out the sound.
"Onee-san."
It sounded almost like a question.
Shinji was about to help Asuka off her seat. But then he stopped and walked back to Rei's bed.
Awkwardly he took the girl in his arms and embraced her gently.
Ignoring her somewhat stiff and unsure reaction, he smiled.
"Goodbye, Rei. Sleep well tonight and I'll visit you tomorrow, okay?"
Finally she relaxed and even returned the hug.
"Shiiiinnnnjiiii."
The redhead lengthened his name to emphasise.
"Shinji, can we go now?"
The boy let go of Rei and nodded.
He returned to Asuka and eased her off the chair.
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Back in the car Asuka relaxed into the seats and let her head sink against the boys shoulder.
"Why do you think Ms. Ibuki was visiting Rei? I don't remember her visiting any of us in hospital before."
Shinji thought about it for some time.
"I've no idea, maybe she just wanted to check on her or something..."
The redhead smiled knowingly.
"You know what I think? I think she's ashamed because of what Dr. Akagi tried to do."
Shinji looked at her perplexed.
"W... why would she be ashamed about what Dr. Akagi did?"
Asuka smiled again and replied in a "know it all" tone.
"Shinji you really are a baka. Don't you know that Ms. Ibuki was totally in love with Dr. Akagi? I thought everybody realized that."
The boy looked dumbstruck.
"Nani? I... I never thought... I had no idea. I mean, she seemed like she had a lot of respect for her, but..."
The redhead chuckled quietly.
"You are so naïve. I bet it is because of that. I'll bet you 10.000 Yen.
Even though she never confessed, she's ashamed of what her idol tried to do to Rei and that's why she wants to care for her."
Shinji just shook his head, astonished about his own naivety.
In a weird way it did make sense, especially considering how bad Ms. Ibuki was able to deal with what the pilots had to suffer.
Unnoticed by the two teens, their guardians shoulders had stiffened at hearing the name of her dead friend.
The rest of the drive went quiet, each passenger had to digest a lot of new information and most of it was a topic, to heavy to discuss lightly and careless on the way home.
This night in her bed Asuka had trouble sleeping.
She was soaked in sweat and the sheets clang to her body.
Not for the first time she wished for the cooler climate of her homeland.
There weren't many people she missed, but stuff like the food, the weather and the country itself she missed.
Sometimes Japan seemed so strange, no matter her ancestry.
The reserved ways of the Japanese people, the sight of all the kids in school uniforms, even the way people reacted to her more outspoken personality.
Was she feeling homesick? She must be, at least a little bit.
Sighing she threw off the blankets from her body and breathed heavily. The humidity seemed to turn the air in the room into something almost solid, each air intake more of a bite than a breath.
She stared up at the blank ceiling and tried to settle down, but it was no use.
So many things were running turmoil in her head that she just couldn't relax.
The german girl was intelligent, almost on a genius level, that's why it had always taken a lot of effort to maintain her illusions before her own judging eyes.
Yet without the mask she put on for the world and even herself, her life would have been unbearable painful.
Even so, there always were cracks in her armour, times when her loneliness and pain seeped through.
Sometimes it just led to her getting angry and abusing her victims like Shinji and the other two idiots even more, but sometimes it led to hidden tears and desperation, to shamelessly throwing herself at Kaji or using her "assets" to embarrass and entice the third child.
And now, ever since she'd woken up inside her mother's warmth and protection, after being shaken down to the core by what had happened to her, after losing Kaji and after seeing Shinji come through for her, the young redhead found it incredible difficult to put her barriers up again.
Not so much the barriers for others, but the barriers inside herself.
Her soul had been laid bare and she shuddered and trembled inside just thinking about the alien creature that had done this to her, about how much everyone at NERV HQ might have learned about her through her ordeal.
On the other hand, losing her ability to fool herself was even more frightening, thinking about it, there seemed to be no way back to her old self.
Part of her just wanted to be dead, wanted to shrink back into oblivion and nothingness.
Another part, maybe even the stronger part, felt empowered by the knowledge that there were in fact people caring for her.
Her mother's soul, Shinji, maybe even Misato (No, probably not Misato).
It made her feel like there was a chance for her to gain happiness, even after all that had happened to her.
If only it would turn out for the good.
"Do I really dare to dream of a better life?"
She turned around again and pulled her cushion over her head.
She resented the way her oversized "t-shirt for nightgown" clung to her body with sweat.
This promised to be a long night.
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A.N:
Not much to add, as I stated above, this is just a short filler, a regular chapter should follow this Sunday CET + 1h and it's gonna be so full of angst and drama you wouldn't believe I'm actually an adult...
As always... REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!
I cannot express how much each review, or story alert etc. fires up my engine.
