Warnings: Strong language
Chapter 1: Snow
Part 6
Sadiq and Ivan stared down at the child at the door, one with the same gold eyes as Sadiq. Beyond that, there was little resemblance between the two. Sadiq's skin was a few shades fairer than the child's, his nose larger. Yet there was something oddly recognizable in the little boy, as though Sadiq had laid eyes upon him before.
Sadiq lost his voice. He stared down at the child, his lips bound by some invisible glue. He breathed in through his nose, ordering his mouth to open and, goddamn it, speak. "Is Helena Karpusi home?" he asked in a voice much too soft.
The little boy stared up at him for a moment longer before turning back into the apartment. "Mommy!" he cried, running the depths of the indoors. "There's some men here who want to see you!"
A small gasp left Sadiq. Mommy?
Before he had the moment to wonder how exactly a boy that age could have the same mother as him, a soothing voice hushed the youngling's cries. "Yusuf, what did I say about answering the door?" a female demanded, the soft pattering of bare feet announcing her arrival. Sadiq gulped, preparing himself for the worst.
Yusuf's mother appeared at the hallway in front of the door. Her hair was a large bunch of microscopic curls held back by a colorful scarf tied like headband on her crown. They bounced with every turn of the head, their chocolate hue complimenting the olive shade of her skin. She lifted Yusuf into her arms, scowling before she turned to see the teenagers at the door.
Hazel eyes met gold.
Sadiq Adnan stared at his mother with the same paralyzed look she gave him. An array of emotions swirled in her irises: love, surprise, happiness, sadness, fear. Five simple words like those were not enough to describe the look he saw in her eyes, but he did not know a single word to describe the five blended. He wished he had a minute to think of one, but Helena did not give him the chance. She placed Yusuf back on the ground, muttering her exclamations as she ran towards Sadiq.
Then, wordlessly, she pulled him into a tight embrace. She kissed every inch of his face, crying, repeating the same word over and over again: "Sadiq, Sadiq, Sadiq, Sadiq.. ."
He forgot how to move. His brain could barely force his lungs to breathe as he felt the heat from the blazing fire beneath her skin on his cheeks. He felt like he was burning, but it was the kind that every child yearned for on a winter night and it had been a very long winter. Sadiq lifted his arms, carefully wrapping them around her shoulders. He held her tightly, burying his face in her hair. The tears leaking from his eyes wetted her curls.
He wasn't sure how she managed it, but Helena pulled out of his hug. Tears of her own marked her face as her hazel eyes brimmed with more. "You've grown so much," she said, cupping his face. "You look just like your father."
Sadiq knew he should have accepted the compliment, but he could not bring himself to feel gratitude. Never did he want to be his father.
"Mommy, who's that?" Yusuf asked, hugging Helena's leg. He peered around it with large eyes that switched between Sadiq and Ivan.
Helena smiled, crouching down to his height. "This is your half-brother, Yusuf," she said in a doting voice. Sadiq's blissful smile dropped into a worried frown. Why did he have a half-brother? "Why don't you introduce yourself to him?" Helena suggested kindly. She nudged him towards the teens, placing her hands on his shoulders as she spoke close to his ear. "This is Sadiq, your older brother. And the boy next to him is…"
Ivan smiled, giving her an awkward, half-hearted smile. "Ivan Braginski. We're friends."
Yusuf looked between them, but said nothing. Helena urged him more, but she eventually accepted that a timid wave was all the child was going to offer. "He's still young and hasn't quite gotten the whole socializing thing yet," Helena explained, rising to her feet. She took Yusuf's hand in a tight hold. She gave Sadiq a wry smile. "But look at me: doing all of these introductions in the hallway! Come inside, both of you."
Sadiq followed his mother without hesitation, though he could not help but to keep an eye of contempt on the back of his apparent brother. Why did his mother have another child? Yusuf looked to be about four, so Helena would have had to have given birth to him shortly after leaving her family. Why would she leave behind her sons— her real sons —in order to have another? What did he and Heracles do wrong?
Sadiq found that the living room was as clean as any meticulous mother would keep it. He tried not to be bothered by the toy truck left in the middle of the off-white carpet, one that Yusuf was quick to resume playing with, but he had little time to think about it. "It's so nice for you and your friend to come and visit us," Helena rambled before she extended a hand towards the couch. "Sit down, both of you. If I'd known you were coming, I would have cleaned up a bit more. Would either of you like anything to eat?"
Sadiq shook his head while Ivan gave a perky "I'm fine, thank you."
"Oh, you're such a polite boy." Helena sat in the armchair to the side, at ease in her charming little living room. The sick feeling festered in Sadiq's stomach, making him shift uncomfortably on the couch. Was he supposed to be aware of the fact that this living room was arranged like the one at his home, or was he making that part up? He didn't know. It was easier to simply occupy his mind with the images his eyes found in the popcorn ceiling. "I'm glad Sadiq made such a good friend as you," Helena said. "Speaking of which, how is Monica and her father doing?"
"I don't know," Sadiq replied, not bothering to look at her. He presumed the avoidance of eye contact would make him feel better, but every second that dripped by was another second to dwell on the disgusting taste in his mouth. "We aren't friends anymore."
"That's a shame. You and her were so close to each other."
"Did you hear about what happened to her cousin?" Ivan asked quickly. Whether it was to spare Sadiq the scrutiny or to merely satisfy his own need for conversation remained a mystery. "Alfred Kirkland died in a house fire a few months back."
Helena's face morphed into the expected expression of remorse, the kind people only wear when they want to show sympathy for a cause they care little for. "Really? That's terrible. I remember meeting Alfred once. He was at Monica's tenth birthday party. Do you remember that, Sadiq?"
He turned his head to the side as he suddenly realized the cause of his sickness: his mother. Everything about this scene glared at him with vicious eyes, laughing when his swollen throat prevent him from swallowing. Tumid muscles prevented him from opening his mouth.
"Sadiq, is something wrong?" Helena asked, moving to the edge of her chair. "You look sick." This time, the worry on her face was sincere.
He rolled his shoulders. "No."
"Are you sure?" she asked, a crease of worry digging between her brows. Heracles inherited that same trait. "Honey, I'm your mother. I won't judge you."
Once again, Sadiq pinched the end of his sleeve, toying with the frayed fabric. His muzzled mouth moved as though he was going to speak, but he restrained himself. This was the first time he had seen Helena Karpusi in years. Mentioning the obese elephant in the room could end this dream before he had the chance to enjoy it. But as he thought about it, he realized that none of this felt like the reunion he always imagined. He felt happy, but he was not bursting at the seams with ecstasy. Inside he lacked all of the warmth his mother's embrace should have given him. He felt nothing but cold.
"Can I ask you something?" Sadiq watched his mother straighten in her chair, suddenly becoming more attentive. He considered keeping his question at bay for a while longer, but her concern was enough to make him speak. "It's great that I found you and everything, it really is. Heracles and I miss you. It's just… I don't understand. Why did you go?"
Helena looked down at her lap. She pressed her lips, thinking. A long gust of breath left Ivan's nose, as though he was sounding a warning to Sadiq— prepare yourself.
The uncomfortable, silent moment ended when Helena spoke.
"I guess I do have to explain myself." She fidgeted, unable to look up at him. "Where do I start?" she asked aloud. Sadiq and Ivan stayed quiet as she glanced between her two sons. "I didn't leave because I hated you and your brother. I loved you two very much. I still do. But your father and I were always at odds with each other. I can't remember why I even married him…"
"He's been drinking," Sadiq interrupted. His words echoed around the empty hollow between his flesh and bones. "Since you left. He's drunk every night."
Helena nodded. "He always was a drinker. I could never change that part of him. Sadiq, trust me when I say to never be with someone you think you can change. You can't. People are born one way and never stray from that."
"Was it only because of Dad?" he persisted, leaving the second half of the question unsaid. Did you leave because of me?
It went unspoken, yet she understood what he meant. "I didn't want to leave you and Heracles behind, but the circumstances were straining and I had to make a few sacrifices."
He felt her words tear burning deep cuts into his skin. He felt like he was about to cry. "What could make you want to leave me?"
She lifted her eyes from her lap, only to turn their gaze towards Yusuf. The child pushed a truck along the carpet, pretending to play but obviously listening. Helena smiled to herself. "I found out I was pregnant and I needed space to myself. I was planning on coming back, but things changed and I decided that it was better if I just stayed away."
"What changed?" Sadiq asked, feeling himself move closer to the edge of the couch. Anxiety swelled in his chest when she did not answer. "Shouldn't Dad know he has another child?"
"He's not your Dad's."
Sadiq blinked.
Oh.
He fell back into the couch, feeling Ivan shift stiffly beside him. He ran through her words in his head again. Yusuf really was only his half-brother. Sadiq leaned forward, his back arching as he buried his face into his hands. "You had an affair," he said, distant in voice and soul.
"It was an unhappy marriage—"
"You had an affair and you ran away." His hands dropped away, revealing the silent spilling of tears stretching down his cheeks. "You left Heracles and I behind!" he barked. "You abandoned us to a drunk!"
"I didn't have a choice—"
"You did! You abandoned your own children. What kind of sick mother does that?"
"A desperate woman does," Helena snapped back. Although she did her best to keep her tone gentle, there was still enough severity in it that Sadiq recoiled and bit his tongue. "When you're older, you'll understand that you sometimes have to put yourself first. Caring too much for others will ruin you."
"I'm your son!" he screamed. "I deserve your love."
"I never stopped loving you."
"You stopped when you left us behind—"
She pressed her lips, huffing a hot breath. "I did not leave you behind," she said, voice laced with poison. "Trust me— the last thing I wanted to do was leave you and Heracles behind. But I had to get away. Now, if you're going to act like a child over this, then this conversation will be over."
He fell silent. He knew that his mother's words were wrong. No one simply decided to leave their children behind. Television and books always depict the strong and loving mother who nurses her children even though she had to balance two jobs and a ton of debt. For years, ever before she left, Helena Karpusi fitted into the mold of that glorious mother. Yet, here she sat across from him, a coffee table splitting them asunder as she called him immature for wanting love.
He trembled as his muscles tightened like string. He had wandered into the woods nearly every day in search of the bracelet she gave him all those years ago, the lucky one he lost. He used to believe that it was a trick of the devil that it had been lost in the ice of his childhood. Now, it seemed like a blessing from God.
He stood.
Every pair of eyes in the room looked up to his face, the breaking visage of his strong facade. His body refused to stop shaking as he gathering the remains of his power. He looked down at his mother with narrow eyes. "Good," he said, pronouncing the word clearly. He did not wait for Helena to reply. He placed his hands in his jacket pockets and marched back to the front door. New tears pricked his eyes. "Braginski, we're leaving."
Ivan took his time rising to his feet, making a small moan as he stretched the muscles in his shoulders. He watched with a sly eye as Helena stood as well, her hand gripping the back of her chair. "You're not going to walk out on me," she half said, half ordered.
Sadiq placed a hand on the corner of the wall, a foot already in the doorway. He looked back at her, showing her the emotionless gleam of his eyes. "Now you know how I feel," he said voice cracking. He sniffled, opening his mouth to say more, but realized that there was nothing left to say. No words could describe the growing pain in his chest and, even if he could think of a vague comparison to make, he doubted that it would be sufficient.
Sadiq closed his mouth. He looked away from her and continued his trek to the front door.
Ivan waited until he heard the door open and close before speaking. "Who did you have the affair with?" he asked.
Helena glared at him. "Get out of my house," she hissed.
He looked at the child sitting on the floor, noting how his young eyes had grown with something akin to fear. It was the fear every child was forced to face— the fear that your parents were not the god on Earth they painted themselves to be. Ivan shook his head and addressed Helena one more time. "With all due disrespect, even sociopaths are not as cold as you."
Having the last word, Ivan left the apartment.
Ivan found Sadiq at the stair well.
The teenager leaned against the iron wrought rails as though he could no longer support his body. A dead expression painted his face as he stared out into the glimpse of the blue, autumn sky caught between apartment buildings. Ivan's feet crunched on dead leaves as he stepped down the stairs. He stopped a few feet away from Sadiq. He was silent, but careful.
After a long minute, Ivan crept closer to him. He sat on the empty space next to Sadiq. "You okay?" he asked hesitantly.
Sadiq did not look at him. What do you think?" he croaked.
Ivan looked down and said nothing. Sadiq focused more weight into the railing as he continued to mourn the loss of his mother.
More time passed.
Ivan placed a hand on Sadiq's shoulder. It laid there for an uncertain second before he gave it a sure squeeze. If he had any courage to say any words of comfort, it was lost forever. They stayed like that for a long while, or so it seemed. The sun stayed in its high place in the sky and the leaves did not stir from their nests on the ground. Time, it seemed, stayed still for the two boys, yet it still inched sluggishly through the stagnant air.
Ivan watched Sadiq as he calmed down and fixed together his broken mask of strength. As though he was sensing another pair of eyes, Ivan looked up.
Yusuf stood at the rails above them, his small hands gripping the rods as he looked down at them. He was too far away to see clearly, yet Ivan knew that the half-brother was filled with the same vague concern every child has whenever things do not seem right in the world. It would be a stretch to call it real sympathy. It was the origins of it, the seeds that will eventually determine a person's empathy.
Ivan looked away first. He nudged Sadiq's arm, gently arousing him back to reality. "It's getting late," he said. "Do you want to go?"
Sadiq turned his head mechanically. A listless emotion filled his eyes as he passing his sight over to Ivan. He stared at him as he processed his words. After a long moment, he spoke. "Yeah."
Ivan helped Sadiq to his feet and led him by the elbow down the stairs and to the car, away from the spectating child.
They could not have driven out of that city faster. Ivan pressed his foot onto the gas pedal as he sped down the highway, positive that he was above the speed limit but unable to find it within himself to care.
The overcast skies of the ocean turned into storm clouds that rolled over the inland plains. Long after the teal sea left their vision, the impending stormed followed them until finally, when rush hour was scheduled to begin, the downpour of rain was unleashed. The cadence of water hitting the roof consumed the silence inside the car, making up for all the instances Ivan tried to strike up conversation and Sadiq replied with nothing more than silence.
Like before, they spent the night at a rest stop. Confined to the inside of the car, Ivan and Sadiq had no choice but to set up their pillow and blankets on the car seats. They both had already leaned their seats back as far as possible, but they were still propped at a slight angle, forced to lie at an awkward slope.
Sadiq closed his eyes, trying to ignore Ivan's presence not a foot away. Exhaustion pressed down on his chest, yet he could not fall asleep. As if God had some grudge against him, some intangible force prevented him from willing his tired brain to turn off for a few hours. Instead, he could only restlessly shift back and forth and pray for mercy.
"I shouldn't have brought you." Sadiq opened his eyes and sat up. He saw that Ivan was lounging on his seat, his eyes aimed towards the drenched window. Although Sadiq only had to lift a finger to touch him, Ivan seemed like he was a far distance away. Ivan placed his hands over his face, groaning. "Fuck, I should have known she would have reacted that way," he mumbled. "God, I hate people."
Sadiq stared at him, mesmerized by the display of regret. He knew Ivan was not talking to him, yet he felt as though he should reply. "Then why did you want to do this?" he asked.
Ivan dropped his hands, revealing an uncertain visage. "I needed to prove something to myself," he replied. Sadiq watched him place a hand on his chest, wondering what he had to prove and how Helena Karpusi was involved in it. Ivan held it there like he was checking for his heartbeat. A sad chuckle left him. "I kinda feel bad, but not as bad as I should. I feel like I did something wrong, but I still don't feel guilty for it." He paused. "Can you be truthful with me, Sadiq?"
Sadiq lay back onto his chair, sticking his arms beneath his head. "Sure. What is it?"
"Should I feel guilty?"
Sadiq bit his lip. He would have never met Helena Karpusi again if it was not for Ivan's persistence. The image he always held of his mother was forever destroyed. He felt like a part of himself— perhaps, the part that still clung to the remains of his childhood— was now nothing more than a pile of shattered glass. But Ivan was only the boy who drove the car. Helena was the one to smash him. "You shouldn't have brought me, but it's not your fault," Sadiq said with complete honesty. "You were only trying to help."
"I guess I was." Ivan finally looked at Sadiq. His face was strangely devoid of any sadness. He still looked like his practical self, like he was still forever analyzing the world around him for the slightest tricks and loopholes. "You can cry, you know. I won't judge."
"She's not worth crying over."
"Maybe in a week from now, but you've just lost her. Give yourself time to mourn."
Sadiq rubbed the ends of his jacket, feeling a sudden chill run down his back. "I already have," he said. "Years ago."
Ivan shrugged. "Suit yourself." He turned onto his side, his back facing Sadiq once again. "Get some sleep. We have a lot of driving to do tomorrow."
Sadiq mirrored his movements, aiming his face towards the window. He watched rivulets of rain run down the glass and the web-like patterns they left behind. When he was sure that Ivan was fast asleep, Sadiq allowed his cheeks to mimic the window.
The silence was suffocating. It pressed down on Sadiq's face, making it difficult to open his mouth and gasp for breath. He knew that there was plenty of air in the car— Ivan had his elbow sticking out of his open window—but he could only breathe in just enough to live. Sadiq knew that speaking would alleviate him, but he couldn't think of a word to say. Ivan seemed to be basking in his own thoughts and Sadiq didn't know if it was fair to interrupt him or not.
He leaned his forehead against the glass of his window, sighing. The rain had cleared, though it left the air more frigid than before. It nipped the tips of his fingers as he watched rubber tires crash through puddles on the freeway. It was November and the seasons were finally starting to change from the brisk, golden air of fall to the gray frost of winter. It would snow again, perhaps around Christmas. He tried to imagine how Christmas would pass this year, but he couldn't see how he and Heracles could have a good one.
He shifted in his seat. He really needed to break the silence.
Sadiq opened the glove compartment. He ignored the pack of cigarettes in favor for the Beatles CD. Without a single regard to Ivan, he pushed the silver disc into the broken radio and waited for the song to begin.
"Hey Jude, don't make it bad,
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better."
Sadiq closed his eyes, letting the music of the guitar lull him into a light sleep—
"Hey Jude!"
"Fuck!" Sadiq snapped back awake, glaring as Ivan ended his ear killing note in order to burst into a fit of laughter.
He smacked the steering wheel, completely oblivious to the murderous glare being sent before resuming his chorus with the voices.
"And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain.
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders."
"Will you shut up?" Sadiq demanded, holding his hands over his ears, protecting them from the tone deaf noise. "You can't sing."
Ivan flashed an impish grin. "I know, but it's the soul that counts," he said. His look grew ever more mischievous as he dramatically held a hand towards Sadiq. "Now sing with me."
Sadiq pushed it away. "No and keep your eyes on the road, jackass."
It was no use: Ivan was already back to singing.
"So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with."
"Seriously, shut the hell up. You're killing me."
"Only if you sing with me."
"No." Sadiq crossed his arms over his chest, determined to stay silent as he sulked into his seat. When he wished for the car to stop being so noiseless, he did not mean for Ivan to start being a complete ass. Sadiq stayed like that through the rest of the song, and the repeat after then. Around the fifth play, where Ivan still had enough energy and voice to continue his wail-like singing, Sadiq grew bored. He thought about ejecting the disc, but returning to the awkward silence was not an option.
Instead, he contented himself with just tapping the rhythm out with his foot.
"Looks like you're getting into it," Ivan said.
Sadiq scowled. "Am not."
He shrugged. "You'll come around."
Sadiq was sure that he would not ever 'come around,' but when two hours passed, the song was on its twentieth play, and he swore he knew the lyrics by heart, Ivan stopped singing. The junior rubbed his throat, grimacing at the sore feeling. Sadiq jabbed a finger in his direction. "Ha!"
He propped his legs on the dashboard, feeling smug over his victory. He closed his eyes and tried to listen the song, but now the melody lacked spirit. It was the same song, but without Ivan's voice it fell listlessly through the air. Sadiq wanted to strike a wall as the suffocating silence settled back over the car as the Beatles continued to sing about Jude and his melancholy.
Sadiq sighed, knowing that he was about to regret his decision.
"Hey Jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better."
Ivan smiled and, despite his aching throat, joined in with a hoarse voice.
"Remember to let her into your heart.
Then you can start to make it better."
Sadiq thought about refusing to sing again, accusing Ivan of playing a trick on him. But when the driver tapped the beat on the steering wheel and Sadiq allowed himself to hit all the notes wrong, he felt his cheeks warm with energy and life. Singing "Hey Jude" brought him back to the times when Monica Bonnefoy was his best friend and the only person who could dare him to smile.
Now Sadiq sat next to a boy he hated as they drove down a wet highway, laughing as they combined their voices in the worst way possible, but neither of them caring. Despite the looming clouds of yesterday still hanging over him, Sadiq could say with complete honesty that singing the last lines of the only good Beatles song was what he needed.
"We're here."
Sadiq scowled as the truck pulled up to the curve of the sidewalk in front of his house. "I know," he said, undoing his seatbelt. "I have eyes."
Ivan shrugged as he killed the engine. "Just wanted to make sure you were alive."
Sadiq ignored him as he double checked the contents of his bag, half of his attention on his house. Nothing about it of the rest of Everest changed in the four days he was gone. The lawn was still overgrown, the white paint still peeling. More leaves than before clogged the gutters and dotted the pavement in dark browns. They came back a day early, yet the town seemed like it was dying with the season.
When he was sure that he had everything, Sadiq grabbed his pillow and blanket. He swung the door open. One foot landed on the pavement before he remembered the boy in the driver's seat. He pressed his lips. "Braginski?" He waited until Ivan hummed a reply to continue. "I just want to say thanks. It sucked, but thanks."
He didn't know what expression Ivan wore when he replied with a courteous "you're welcomed." It could have been a tight grimace or a pitiful visage. He didn't know and, thinking about returning to school the next day, Sadiq decided that he didn't want to. He wanted to wash his hands of this business with Helena Karpusi and this four day trip with Ivan Braginski.
Without so much as a backwards glance, Sadiq climbed out of the truck and slammed the door shut behind him. "See you tomorrow, Sadiq!" Ivan called to Sadiq's retreating back before turning back on his car and driving away from the somber home. Sadiq wanted to say that he loved the sound of Ivan's departure, but the tires against the gravel sounded like a death sentence.
Sadiq stopped on his front porch and turned around. Of course, Ivan was not there. A few clouds hung high and flat in the horizon. The sunset painted them in the same vivid pink hue as the sky behind it. All of it was pink, save for the edge of the cloud away from the sunset, the one closest to Sadiq. There, the pink was gone and replaced by a dirty, ominous gray.
Unsettled, Sadiq turned back to the front door. He unlocked it and went inside.
The house was dark and untouched. Sadiq turned on the light and crept into the kitchen, checking for signs of life. A simple note sat on the counter. At first, Sadiq thought that it was the one he left for Heracles, but saw that the handwriting was his brothers.
Staying at Kiku's home until you come back, asshole.
—Heracles
Sadiq sighed and placed it back on the counter. He didn't know what he should tell Heracles at this point. Learning the truth about their mother would do more harm than good, but the secret of their half-brother was eating him up on the inside.
He moved from the kitchen, holding his bag over his shoulder as he started for the stairs. He stopped. Suddenly, he turned around and headed to the living room. His father lay on the couch, dead asleep with his finger wrapped loosely around a whiskey bottle.
"Mom's a bitch," Sadiq told him.
He watched his father stir ever so slightly before falling back into his drunk stupor.
Satisfied, Sadiq went up the stairs and locked himself in his room. He later fell into a fitful sleep full, dreaming that he was drowning in a blizzard.
-End of Chapter 1-
MW: So that's the end of chapter 1. Took us long enough, am I right? I think I mentioned this before, but each chapter is kinda like a story arc, so the next chapter will be about Ivan and Sadiq dealing with a new problem.
Thank you to OnyxBunneraffe and lostbluefox for reviewing the previous chapter. You've waited a long time for this installment and I hope that the wait was worth it.
Name Guide
Yusuf- Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus
Thanks for reading! I hope you have a Happy Holidays and a great New Year!
