AN: Somehow i uploaded the wrong chaper by mistake, but this is what ch4 was supposed to be. My apologies.


Spike had only planned on walking Buffy home. He didn't for a minute imagine she'd actually invite him inside. He thought for sure she'd need a day or two to decide she didn't hate herself for trusting him and maybe she'd stop by once she sorted it all out. He was caught off guard, but it wasn't unpleasant to say the least.

Joyce was already in bed when they came in. They crept quietly up the stairs and into Buffy's room. She shut the door softly behind them and turned to look at Spike in the center of the room.

He looked completely out of place. His bad boy leather jacket and rebellious hair cut just didn't fit with Buffy's lacy white bed spread and boy band posters. It was comical. She would have laughed, if he hadn't been looking at her like that. Liquid heat in his eyes.

She wasn't sure if she wanted to dive in or dump a bucket of cool water on his head. She just hadn't thought about it yet. She hadn't let herself. He saw her hesitance and the bucket of water was completely unnecessary.

"We don't have to you know," he assured her.

She blushed and turned her head away. "I-I know. It's just... I've only... with Angel and Parker... well you know how that went."

He stepped forward and took her face between his hands. He directed her to look at his face. "Buffy. I promise, I won't try to kill you and I won't use you. I couldn't. Not ever."

"You have before, tried to kill me."

Spike shook his head. "That was different. Everything's different now."

"Why? There's nothing stopping you. No chip in your head."

"I love you."

Buffy was momentarily stunned. "You... You love me?"

Spike didn't know what else to say. Three short words and suddenly she held everything he had in the palms of her very strong hands. If his heart were beating it would have pounded its way right of his chest.

"Yes."

In the half second it took for that information to process in her brain; his words, the fear in his eyes, the way he was still holding her head to keep her gaze locked with his, Buffy came to one solid conclusion. Spike had never been more honest with her.

Good thing Joyce had taken a couple of sleeping pills.


The hunger was still there. The warmth of living beings called to him with each step he took. Thankfully, each step took him farther from their beating hearts and innocent souls. Each step seemed to elevate the pain in his gut. More than once he thought of ending the pain in one swift bite and more than once his soul stood in the way, flashing images of all the death he'd left in his wake.

The mansion loomed up above him promising sanctuary from the growing light. The scamper of tiny clawed feet promised an end to his pain. At least the physical pain.

Once inside the dusty, molding, house, he cleared the place of rats, one at a time. Those that remained in the walls were spared and would remain safe until hunger lured them out to search for food. They weren't fast enough to evade the starving vampire, not yet weakened by malnourishment. His senses were heightened to survive.

The trickle of water distracted him as he fed. It drew his attention to the fountain covered in ivy. He remembered when he'd washed himself clean after being possessed by the ghost of a broken-hearted school teacher. He'd killed so many that night. He'd wanted to wash away the feelings of love and forgiveness and drown it all innocent blood. He'd certainly succeeded. How he loved watching Dru feed on those children. Her innocent hands covered in innocent blood, her face, her dress. He'd reveled in it. Especially when they had sex in the blood that poured out of the dying mother to pool on the floor.

Disgusted, he left the dead rats piled under the sky light. He found his old bedroom, but it was empty. He'd moved all of his things into the crypt. It was all probably still in Angelus's crypt. Most likely Spike's crypt now.

Spike's old bedroom was still there. All white and pristine. What was his obsession with the color? Maybe it was simply in defiance of Angelus's preference for black.

He laid down in his childe's old bed and closed his eyes. It still smelt of him and faintly of Drusilla.

Buffy was all that kept him from leaving. The only reason he hadn't grabbed a cab and high tailed it LA before he could stir up any trouble was Buffy. He knew what she'd done and he wasn't angry. He was concerned. He couldn't imagine what would possess her to do it, but he made finding out top priority.


The rising sun woke Buffy as it lightened the room. Almost on instinct, she got out of bed and tiptoed to the window to close the curtains as tight as she could. She grabbed Spike's t-shirt off the floor and pulled it over her head. She got back into bed and as Spike wrapped an arm around her and snuggled in close, his head on her chest, it hit her. She had sex with Spike. Right here, in her bed, her childhood bed. Sex. With Spike. Spike.

What was she thinking? Did he even really love her? Did she love him? Did she even really trust him? Her brain was running a mile a minute. Her chaotic panicked thoughts threatened to give her a migraine and she really needed to sort everything out.

So, item number one: did she trust Spike? Spike had her back in a fight. His chip had been out for several weeks and he hadn't made the slightest move on her (to kill her anyway) or her friends. He even had access to both her home and Giles's, but he just kept helping. As far as she knew, he was still drinking butcher shop blood. So, if he was going to kill her, he would have done it already. He took far to much pride in slaying slayers to wait around playing pet vampire if he really wanted her dead. Trust? Check.

Did he love her? He said he did. Not with just his mouth either. The way he looked at her like there was no else in the world sometimes... But he could just be lonely. Harmony had left him around the same time he got chipped from what he'd said and that been a month ago. Maybe he wasn't used to being alone and he didn't know how to deal. But last night when he'd said those words, he was so sincere. He'd looked so vulnerable like a newborn puppy. Yep, he loved her.

Did she love him? She'd have to think on that one. A lot. Her natural reaction to the question was a definite no. But that didn't mean her instincts were right. They'd failed her before. The idea that she might love Spike made her head spin. She'd loved Angel and he'd turned into a soulless monster. She'd loved Riley and he'd been murdered by her soulless ex-boyfriend. Love plus Buffy obviously equaled no good. But Spike was already soulless. He couldn't lose what he didn't have. He was already dead too. Not that he couldn't be more dead. If Angel were around he'd probably stake Spike himself bringing back the possible death by ex-boyfriend scenario. But Angel was gone. Spike was here. She could leave Angel in the past with his memory in her heart and let Spike be her future. It looked like the real question was, would she let herself love Spike?

She looked down at her charred wrists. Just more pain left in reminder of Angel. Spike had done a good job of bruising her up. She couldn't help but compare the marks they'd left. Even Angel had never meant to hurt her. He was partially responsible for what had happened that night. It wasn't completely Buffy's fault they'd ended up naked. Probably. She couldn't remember.

That night, when he'd made the decision to risk his soul for... he knew there would be consequences. He knew she could get hurt. So much pain had come of just one night. It hadn't been worth it. Angel hadn't been worth it. Not the nightmares, not Riley's life, not Giles's sanity, not Spike's suffering. She'd take it all back if she could.

"I can hear the gears turning," Spike said softly. She hadn't noticed when he woke up. "Thinking about me?" His hand trailed down her side to find the hem of the t-shirt. His hand rested lightly on hip, his finger tracing circles in her skin.

"I'm thinking about a lot of things," she said.

"Didn't have any nightmares last night. Did you?"

"Not one."

She could feel him smiling though she couldn't see his face. "Looks like I shagged the hell out of you," he said.

She rolled her eyes. "I guess sex was the answer all along. What I thinking, expecting to find the answer in a book?"

"That's the trouble with you hero types. You never see the obvious. Too busy turning through your books."

"I think I'm seeing just fine."

He turned his head to see her face. "Are you?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"And what do your slayer eyes see?"

"You. You're different than I thought you were."

"Took you long enough."

She smiled, but the look was gone the second she heard, "Buffy?" called from the bottom of the stairs.

"You don't she heard us last night do you?" Buffy asked.

Spike laughed. "I think the neighbors heard us, pet."

"Oh, God."

Footsteps signaled her mother ascending the stairs. "Buffy?"

"In here, mom!" she called back. "Hide," she hissed at Spike.

He chuckled and disappeared into her closet. He made it inside just before Joyce opened the door.

Joyce smiled at her daughter. "I didn't hear you come in last night. Must have been the sleeping pills. I had some trouble falling asleep."

"It was pretty late when I got in." She pulled the blanket up to her neck realizing 'isn't that one of Spike's t-shirts' was not a question she had answers for. Except, the rest of Spike's clothes. Were they still on the floor? There was no way she could pass those off as her jeans.

Joyce nodded. "Slayer stuff. Wish you weren't always out so late. It's dangerous out there."

"That's sort of the point. My job is danger reduction."

"Well, I'm glad to see you home anyway. I can't really stick around for breakfast. I have to be at the gallery early. We're getting in some new pieces."

"That's okay. I know how the oven works."

"Just don't burn the place down."

"No promises."

Joyce crossed the room. "You should get some sunlight. You're looking pale." She leaned in and kissed Buffy's forehead before finally leaving the room.

Buffy sighed and closed her eyes. Spike chuckled suddenly back in her personal space. He kissed the hinge of her jaw and down her neck.

"She does know you're a grown woman, Buffy."

"I know, but would you wanna walk in on your daughter curled up with a naked vampire?"

"I'd take his head off," he growled.

"Exactly." She noticed he had his jeans on. He must have grabbed them before he went in the closet. Fast thinker. She wasn't that good in the morning.

"So we've got the house to ourselves today." He raised an eyebrow in question.

"Breakfast. Then we have to go see Giles," she said sternly.

"I can't leave the house, the sun's up."

"Never stopped you before."

"I'm not running around with a blanket over my head when I'd rather be right here." He kissed her hoping to end the discussion.

"Fine, we'll stay in. But breakfast comes first, then I'm calling Giles."

"And then?"

"Probably TV."

Spike smirked. "Yeah, we'll watch telly." He kissed her again.


He stood in the grass, hidden just outside the range of the porch light. The curtains were parted giving a clear view into the living room. Anyone passing by could see the tv screen displaying a recorded Broadway performance staring Dorothy Hamill. Anyone who stepped off the sidewalk and approached the house could see the fair haired couple kissing passionately on the sofa with the movie long forgotten. Would they have smiled at the idea of young love? Or would they feel jealousy roaring to a boil in their guts the way Angel did?

The quickest way to find out what was happening, was to step up to the door and knock. So he did. Thirty seconds later, a disheveled Buffy opened the door with a smile that quickly melted away. Her eyes flashed fear, uncertainty, and excitement.

"Hello, Buffy," said the vampire who looked like Angel and didn't sound like Angelus.

"Angel?" she asked. Spike was suddenly standing behind her.

He hadn't felt his presence from the outside. He should have noticed the appearance of his sire. He certainly noticed him now.

Spike dove past Buffy tackling Angel right off the porch and into the cool grass. They wrestled for the dominant position, punching, kicking, and growling. They might have gone all night if Buffy hadn't ran down the stairs and grabbed Spike by the collar and Angel by the throat. She pushed them apart and held them at arm's length.

"Enough!"

"As if I actually thought you would stay dead this time," Spike growled. "Why the bleeding hell don't you ever stay dead!"

"What have you done to Buffy?" Angel growled back.

Spike smirked. "What haven't I done to Buffy?"

Angel roared and dove at Spike but Buffy shoved him away.

"You're just mad 'cause the heros got the villain and I got the girl," Spike taunted.

"Buffy not a trophy to be won, boy."

"No she's better than that. You should have respected her more instead of treating her like child!"

"And you're doing a better job of that?"

"As a matter of fact I am."

"Guys!" Buffy shouted. "Stop it! None of that is important right now."

Spike looked offended. "Are you saying I'm not important? That we, us, isn't important?"

"We shared a lot together, Buffy. This is very important," Angel said.

"What is happening?" Buffy asked confused.

"What me and Buffy have is more than you ever could have gave her," Spike said.

"You don't have a soul. How can you even love her?" Angel quipped.

"Bollix, you know good and well vampires can love just fine without a soul."

"Angelus never loved anything. Not even Darla. Not you or Drusilla or anything."

"He loved killing and maiming and torture."

"That's not the same thing."

"Like hell it isn't!"

"What makes you think you could make her happy? You can't take care of her, Spike."

"You know that was always your problem, mate. Buffy doesn't need to be cared for. She's a very capable woman and she's taken care of herself just fine without you. She can decide who loves her and makes her happy all on her own and she doesn't need anyone to do anything for her. It's doing all those things for her anyway that makes it matter. She doesn't need my help, but she can damn well have it anyway because I don't wanna see her go it alone. I want to be there to keep her safe. She's not a pet or a child. She's a woman and you should respect that."

Angel shook his head. "You've been trying to kill her for years. What's stopping you now?"

"I love Buffy. No amount of blood is gonna change that."

Once again, they were on the ground rolling in the grass. Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Angel, you're welcome inside as soon as you're ready to talk." She turned her back and went back inside to finish her movie.