Into the light and back part 7
Auggie swept his cane back and forth. He was on his usual way to his office and walked through the halls in Langley. So much had happened in the last months. Too much for one single life. At least that was what he thought.
Auggie oriented himself a bit, turned left and felt for the doorhandle. He opened the door, walked a few metres straight ahead and turned to the right. He opened the door of his office, extended his left hand a bit, feeling for the edge of his desk and folded his cane. He stowed it in the top drawer of his desk and booted his computer.
His daily routine had begun. Auggie was still a bit tired. He had not slept well, and thinking back to everything that had started like a nice dream and had turned into a huge deception, did not make it better. He closed his eyes and was soon immersed into his thoughts.
Three weeks before:
Friday night after work, Auggie took a quick shower, put on some sweatpants and a T-shirt and switched on his TV. He wanted to watch a football game. His favourite team was playing and he wanted to see them win.
Before he sat down on his couch he walked to the window and opened it. He needed some fresh air. When he looked out, he realized that it was raining again. But the rain looked funny, the raindrops looked like grime. He walked back to his couch and was confused. It even looked like it was raining inside. The tiny black drops seemed to be all over his place, too.
Maybe I have not had enough sleep Auggie thought and sat down to watch the game. Shortly before the break, Auggie´s phone rang. It was Annie
„Hey handsome man, have you got any plans for the weekend already?" She asked.
It was Friday and both had the next two days off.
„I have not exactly made a plan" Auggie said and took a sip from his beer bottle that he had set on the table.
„What about a trip to Disneyworld. I could use some fun Annie said.
„Great idea" Auggie replied „I need some distraction and there is so much to see, now that I can enjoy all the attractions first hand." He had almost forgotten the strange rain, and the strange clouds in front of his eyes.
Disneyworld was a blast. The park was crowded with groups and families enjoying the weather and the countless attractions. Auggie felt, like he had travelled back in time. He suddenly felt like a kid that could not stop to admire the attractions of the park. He and Annie had fun on a roller coaster ride, they went to one of the Disney shows and he bought a plush Minnie Mouse for Annie. Later on, Annie took a photo of him and Donald Duck. At noon, they took a seat at one of the restaurants and Auggie ordered two hamburgers and French Fries.
Everything was perfect. He was in Disneyland with Annie. Life could be so wonderful Auggie thought.
The short weekend trip to Disneyland was exactly what Auggie and Annie had needed, to get closer again. Now they were sitting on Auggie´s couch and sipping on a glass of excellent Chianti wine. Auggie had put his arm around Annie and she had snuggled down in his embrace.
„I am so happy that we took this trip" Annie said and looked up to Auggie. He smiled back at her and rose from his seat to walk to the bathroom. When he returned, he suddenly felt a bit dizzy and almost stumbled and walked into one of his armchairs.
Annie gave him a quizzical look and asked jokingly „Hey Darling, are you already tipsy?"
Auggie´s vision had gotten fuzzy and it seemed like the strange grey drizzle was coming back to make clear sight impossible. Auggie tried to concentrate on walking to his couch and took a seat.
„I am alright, must be the wine like you said" he replied and gave her a weary smile, picking up his wine glass from the couch table in front of him. He was a bit worried now, but decided not to tell Annie. He did not want her to be concerned about him.
„You should stop drinking" Annie said and took the wine glass out of his hand. „Yes, I think so" Auggie answered and kissed her on her cheek.
The next morning Auggie woke up to the sound of his alarm clock. He got out of bed, walked to the bathroom and got under the shower. When he had just spread some shampoo on his hair and was about to rinse it off, he suddenly had a strange sensation. It felt like a huge dark curtain had dropped from above and was now impeding his vision. He quickly rinsed off the shampoo and rubbed his eyes. „Ouch...the rest of the shampoo on his hands made his eyes sting and burn.
He quickly dried himself with a huge towel, but the black curtain in front of his eyes remained. Now Auggie got nervous. He grabbed the first outfit he could find from his closet, took his phone and made a call. Ten minutes, later a taxi picked him up and took him to the University hospital.
Auggie was scared. He walked to the reception desk in the hall and asked the receptionist to call a doctor.
Five minutes later a middle aged doctor appeared and asked „What can I do for you?"
„I have vision problems" Auggie answered and described his sensation.
„We will have to check on that immediately" the doctor said and added „please come with me."
Auggie followed the man through a variety of corridors to the ER room of the ophtalmology ward.
„Take a seat please" The doctor said and Auggie sat down on an examination chair and the doctor put som drops into his eyes. He dilated Auggie´s pupils and examined the eyes he was done, he gave Auggie a concerned look and said.
„I am sorry Mr. Anderson, but I have bad news. You are obviously suffering from a retinal detachment. You need an operation as soon as possible, otherwise your eyesight is at stake."
Auggie swallowed, a huge lump had formed in his throat and he was at a loss for words. He shifted in his chair and looked at the doctor in surprise and shock.
„I will go blind again?" He asked incredulously and with tears in his eyes.
„Again?" The doctor repeated with a questioning look.
„Yes, again" Auggie said and explained „ A bit more than 7 years ago, I lost my sight in a bomb attack whilst serving in the army. An eye surgeon in Rome restored my vision three months ago with a new surgery method. I don´t want to go blind again doctor!"
„I recommend, you stay here so that we can execute the operation as soon as possible." And with a questioning look to Auggie he added „Have you eaten already?"
„No" Auggie replied
„Good, so there should not be a problem with the narcotics"
„Let me grab a few things from home and I will be back in an hour" Auggie said. He did not want to call Annie or scare anyone else, just in case everything was harmless.
„Try to make it quick, we will start with the operation in about two hours" the doctor said and left the room.
Auggie´s head was spinning. He did not want to have an operation again, he did not want to go to a hospital again and he did not want to lose his sight again. He quickly made his way to the exit. Waved for the first taxi passing by and went home.
In his apartment he fished his brown leather traveller bag out of the closet, threw in two pyjamas, some socks, underwear, slippers and added the toiletries from the bathroom and a bathrobe.
He needed to call Joan. But what should he tell her? He did not want to tell her the truth.
He dialled her extension number in Langley and waited.
Seconds later, Joan picked up.
„Auggie, what can I do for you?"
„Joan, I have some important personal things to arrange for and I need a couple of days off. Is that possible?"
„You still have enough vacation days left, so if it is urgent, you might as well take the entire week off or even two if you like."
Auggie hesitated. The more days off he would be granted, the better. He was not sure what came after the operation. And so he said „Two weeks would be fine, thank you" and then he quickly ended the call before Joan could ask him further questions.
An hour later, Auggie was in the operation room again. The doctor´s concern had been justified. His retina was detached as a consequence of the inflammation, the allergy against the chip material.
Auggie woke up and tugged on the gauze patches, that covered his eyes. Again, he was in a hospital bed waiting for somebody to explain to him what was expecting him.
A few minutes later, the door opened and the doctor came in.
„Good evening Mr. Anderson." He said and touched Auggie´s hand. And then he continued
„I would like to talk to you about the operation. As I had already suspected, you developed an allergy against the material of the chip and this had caused a retinal detachment. We had to remove both chips and we have tried to re-attach the retina. Unfortunately it did not work."
Auggie had listened to the doctor and with a barely audible voice he stated „That means that I am
blind again."
The doctor squeezed Auggie´s hand a bit and answered „Yes, it means that you are blind again. I am sorry, that I do not have better news for you. We did our utmost to avoid this, but we had no choice."
„Thank you doctor for being honest with me." Auggie said and asked „Would you please leave me alone now?"
The doctor rose from the edge of Auggie´s bed where he had been sitting. „I am sorry, Mr. Anderson" he said again and left.
Auggie ripped off the eye patches and threw them on the floor. As he had assumed, the black nothingness he had been living in for seven years, greeted him again. Despite the fact that he had been prepared for that, he was shocked and tears were now stinging in his eyes. Again he found himself in a black tunnel witouth any light at its end.
When the nurse came in and brought his dinner tray. He immediately went back to old habits orienting himself clockwise on his plate. Old habits die hard, he thought, when he took the first bite.
Three days after, Auggie was released from hospital. He felt his way to the bathroom and grabbed his toiletries. Then he walked over to the closet and threw the few things he had brought, into his bag and added the toiletries on top. He grabbed his long white folding cane from the drawer of this nightstand, took his tactile watch and wrapped it around his wrist. He had brought his „two best friends" with him, because he was not sure, how everything would turn out after the operation. And he had been right to do so.
A few seconds later, he heard a knock on the door and the taxi driver entered. He took Auggie´s bag and offered him his arm. Auggie took his lead and followed him to the car. Back home, he went back to his old routine. He folded his cane and put it on the credenza.
He walked to his bedroom and swapped his alarm clock for the one that could talk. Then he started to re-arrange the rest of his apartment. He grabbed a cardboard box and put the pens, the books and the newspapers he had recently bought and a couple of other things he would not need anymore, into the box and stowed everything in the back of his closet. He would never see again that was clear now and he would never use these things again.
One of the most difficult things he had to do now, was to inform his family. He was not exactly keen on the conversation wiht his mother. She would be shocked. He knew that for sure. But he could not avoid the topic. He needed to talk to her and to his father.
Auggie took his phone and dialled the number of his parents.
After a while his mother took the call. „Anderson"
„Hey Mum, how are you doing?"
„I am fine son. How is it going in DC?"
Auggie hesitated a bit, collecting his thoughts, trying to find the right words.
He cleared his throat and said
„Mum I need to tell you something I...I am...I am blind again"
His mother went pale, she almost dropped the receiver that she held in her right hand
„You are what...? Blind again?" She asked, shock and disbelief in her voice.
„Yes Mum. I can´t see anymore. It was not meant to be. The allergy against the chip and the inflammation that followed have detached my retina and my sight is gone again"
Now, all Auggie could hear on the other end of the line, were the stifled sobs of his mother who was not able to contain herself anymore.
Auggie felt helpless. He was helpless, because he wanted to comfort his mother and all he could do was listen to her sobs through the phone. He wanted to embrace her but he couldn´t . The distance between them made it impossible. So he said „Hey Mum, I know that this is a shock for you. But I have been through this before. I have learned to get around in the darkness in the last 7 years and I will make it again. I don´t want you to feel sorry for me and I don´t want you to worry. I am okay. I have gotten used to being blind."
„You are such a strong guy". His mother said and ended the call. She could not stand the conversation anymore. She needed time, time to digest what she had just been told.
A week later, Auggie was back in Langley. He tapped his way through the hall with his cane, turned right and reached the glass door of the DPD. He oriented himself again. Made a few steps, turned right again and opened the door to his office. He folded his cane and put it into the first desk drawer.
Five minutes later, when he had just booted his computer again, the door opened and Joan entered.
„Hey Auggie, how was your vacation?" She asked whilst coming closer.
Auggie turned into her direction and said
„Hey Joan"
And then Joan Campbell noticed that Auggie did not meet her gaze anymore. His eyes stared blankly into the space somewhere above her right shoulder.
Joan was confused. She had seen this behaviour before. She made another step towards him, looked up and directly into Auggie´s eyes, anticipating, somehow knowing, what had happened and asked him.
„Auggie, what colour is my blouse today?"
Auggie shrugged, feeling all of a sudden uncomfortable and replied
„Joan, to be honest I really have no idea."
„Oh Auggie" she said and put her hand on his shoulder
„I am sorry" she added with a barely audible voice and turned, to hide her tears. But then she reminded herself that Auggie could not see that,... not anymore.
„Let´s talk about something else" Auggie said, and turned towards his desk reaching for his Grado Lab headphones.
The dossiers in Joan´s right hand were now useless. They needed to be translated into Braille to make them accessible for Auggie. „I´m gonna send you some files." Joan said.
And with these words she left and walked out of the office. Auggie had gone blind again, and this had given her a serious shock. She had been so happy for him after the surgery. But now, everything that had started so great, had turned into a nighthmare. He had lost his sight again. Joan wiped away a tear and started typing on her keyboard. She needed some distraction.
Annie had taken a day off. She knew that Auggie was back after his vacation. And since she had not been in her office, she decided to visit him at home. At 7:00 pm she knocked on his door. Auggie counted his steps and walked to the door and slid it open.
„Hey, how was your first day in Langley" ? Annie asked
and wondered how slowly Auggie made his way to the couch.
„Is there something you want to tell me?" Annie was confused
„No..., nothing special...apart from the fact that I can´t see." Auggie answered and turned towards her.
Annie was shocked about this unexpected news. Auggie being able to see again, had made her so happy. Now she could not hold back the tears, that were streaming down her cheeks. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. „I am so sorry it did not last" Annie said with a deep sigh, trying to stifle a sob.
„ I am blind again and that will never change. I have adapted to being blind and I will be no worse off than I was before the operation. I have to move on...WE have to move on." And then he realized that Annie was crying. He pulled her closer to him, wiped away her tears with a gentle touch of his hand.
After a short silence Auggie continued „ I don´t want you to worry about me and I don´t want you to feel sorry for me. I am glad that I had the chance to see you. I mean...during all these years, you had only been a voice to me and all I knew about you, was based on images, that were anything else but visual. To finally SEE you, meant a lot to me."
And then, he slowly felt for her face and traced it quietly and softly with his sensitive fingertips. before he pulled her closer and kissed her.
Auggie opened his eyes again and tried to concentrate. He had been lost in thought and needed to get back to reality. He felt for his headphones, put them on and started working. …..
