Hi again. Um. Yeah. Please forgive the fact that I'm totally mooching off of TMTMFD's formatting style. And the fact that I kind of botched chapter one and don't know how to fix it. I'm trying, I swear!
Anyways. Enjoy. :)
Disclaimer: This is a fanfiction. I do not own anything here but the plot. All characters belong to Cassandra Clare and all song lyrics belong to their respective owners.
WARNING: This fic contains mentions of suicide, bullying, abuse and various methods of self harm. If this bothers you then please turn back now!
...I'm Here
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Prompt: Write a story in which the narrator slowly falls in love with the reader.
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I'm Here...
January 17 2013 (Continued)
From there, our conversation kind of... Picked up, a bit.
You mean to tell me that all of the shit I've put in here, you've read?
Well. Here comes the guilt. No! … Well, I mean, yes. But it wasn't like I was spying on you! You write in me and then yeah...
Smooth, Magnus. The poor kid must have thought that he'd gone insane.
Back to the point why I opened my mouth (Before you make any type of remark, you know what I mean.) Suicide is bad.
Why would you care?
Because even though you haven't been aware of my existence until recently, you're a friend to me...
No one wrote anything for a good few seconds.
...If that made any sense to you and I somehow managed to not sound creepy, well kudos to both of us.
Right. I'm going to go to bed now because I'm not entirely sure I'm sane right now.
…No killing yourself. I expect answers tomorrow.
You expect answers?! You're the one who's-
There was a blot of ink here, as if Alec had cut himself off (that was probably what had happened, actually.)
I refuse to argue with my notebook. Good Night
-AL
…Sweet dreams, Alexander.
~xXxXxXxXx~
The next day, I was pleasantly surprised to feel that Alec was back. And relieved.
Very, very relieved.
January 18 2013
…Oh my god. There is handwriting in here that is not mine.
At this, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of amusement.
'S right. That beautiful, flowy, and downright sexy handwriting belongs to me, Darling. Hello again.
...I am so losing my mind. No. Because I am awake and... Awake. Why am I dreaming of someone talking back to me in my notebook when I'm awake?
Alec. Think. Have you taken any drugs this morning?
Because that wasn't alarming at all. Oh no. Definitely not.
Er... Alec, that is so not healthy.
I just confessed to you (unknowingly, yes, but still) last night that I wanted to kill myself, and you think I give a shit about my health? I'm laughing here-
What'syournameagainsorryIwouldfli pbacktotheolderpageandlookbu titwouldruinthedramaticeffec tIhavegoing-, laughing.
This time, I couldn't help but be absolutely delighted. This boy has spunk.
My name is Magnus, and by inserting that long explanation as to why you wouldn't look back to get my name kind of ruined the dramatic effect you had going anyways, sooooo... -Insert amused laugh here.-
…So. Care to explain why the hell my notebook is talking back to me?
Er, no. No, not really. That's just a horrible topic to go into... So... The answer... Is... Fuck
Maybe another day, another time. It's set. A date. Two months from now, I'll tell you. Deal?
…Fine. I like how you assume that I'll even be alive come two months.
...That's such a sad way of looking at life.
I'm a sad person.
...Why are you a sad person, Alexander? Actually, I already knew the answer to this question, but I just wanted to see him acknowledge the fact that these people he surrounded himself with were unhealthy. Maybe then he'd start distancing himself from them, make new friends.
Don't mess with me. You know why I'm so … Messed up. For crying out loud, you live in my notebook.
Alright. Let's get this straight. I am not in your notebook. I am your notebook.
How on earth did that even happen, I mean- Oh shit. Sorrythanks-
The rest of his handwriting was too smudged and cramped for me to make out what he'd written, almost as if he was in a rush.
And he didn't open my pages again.
I wasn't sure if I was confused or mad.
More confused, I think.
Either way, I... Well.
I don't know. Don't ask me.
January 18 2013 -Later-
I'm sorry! I had to go, I was late for school and Jace needed a ride and he was getting angry and-
Oh hell no. He was not going to sit there and write to me about how much Jace 'needed' him.
Fuck. No. Jace can walk. You know what? He should walk.
He's my half-brother, Magnus. I could feel his dry amusement just... Mocking me.
Your half brother who wants you to kill yourself does not sound like a good half brother to me, my friend. In fact, I say you just... Let him try to survive one week without you and see what happens. His world would fucking end.
You can't know that. You don't even know me. For all I know, I could be going insane and writing to myself while switching my handwriting (That is really nice handwriting. Alec, I must applaud you, this is simply stunning- Stop, Aelc. Stop.) and yeah. So yeah.
… Are you really going to say 'So yeah' as your argument against me? Alec, I've seen your notes in here. You're a smart kid. Use your stunning intelligence to woo me!
I refuse to try and woo my subconscious.
Oh for crying out loud! I am not your subconscious! I am Magnus Bane, the sexiest notebook you shall ever find.
Ever.
Why the hell did I come up with the name Magnus Bane? Nothing a bit more normal?
Hey-
Jeeze, I'm just teasing, Magnus. Calm down. -insert smiley face here.-
Right.
I have to go back to finding whatever the hell I'm supposed to be finding.
...Have fun...?
No. Math will never be fun. Ever. In fact, I should just do the rest of my notes in here just to prove to you how painful this class is.
No. No, that's alright. Don't fancy numbers and stuff in my beautiful, sexy, smooth pages.
...Just for that sentence, I'm putting the rest of my calc notes in here. Forever. Because I was kidding.
Is this what confidence gives you nowadays? Because it's so not worth it. Nope. Never opening my mouth again.
It was quite fun, talking to Alec. I used to think about what it would be like to converse with him - It was never as fun and exciting as actually doing it, though.
Well, you can't really talk so that's a null point, Magnus.
…I resent that, darling.
I'm telling the honest truth! You're just words appearing on the page, responding to what I put on paper.
That actually kind of hurt. A bit.
The fact that all I would ever be to Alec is words on a page, that hurt.
Was it wrong of me to dream for more?
I mean, how fair is it that I'm... Well, a book.
Stupid, Magnus. Stupid.
~xXxXxXxXx~
And from there, we fell into a comfortable pattern.
Alec would start by writing something random, ignoring me. And then I would respond to what he'd put down, such as a doodle or his homework. From there, we would go back in forth, but Alec was never as comfortable as he'd used to be.
He never put his thoughts down on page like he'd used to. I could feel the long pauses in between our banter, as if he was strategizing and making sure to never reveal too much.
It hurt. A lot.
And I hated myself for it.
I basically ripped Alec's only way of venting his hurt away.
I was the one that Alec could trust in and I took that away.
At the same time, I couldn't bring myself to completely feel bad.
Even now, when I'm bored out of my mind and want something to look at, I avoid that one entry.
Smeared ink and crinkled pages from tears and then those hurried words... '...Suicide note...'
No, I don't feel entirely bad.
~xXxXxXxXx~
January 22 2013
Hey, Magnus?
If I had a heart, it would have stopped beating. Was Alec really talking to me without me starting the conversation?
Yes, Alec?
…This may sound stupid, but … Have you ever just been … Really lonely? I mean, so lonely that you want to just curl up and stop existing. Not that lonely that comes because everyone's stopped talking for three seconds and the quiet bothers you.
I knew what he was talking about.
Of course I did.
All the time spent sitting on the shelf, watching everyone else get picked and listening to their cries of joy when they were picked, while I sat there, waiting.
Yes, I knew what Alec was talking about.
Yes, I do. Quite well, actually. Why do you ask?
Why did you feel lonely, though? Wouldn't you be used to it, seeing as how you're a notebook and all? Wouldn't your life just be … Uneventful?
You have no idea how long I sat there on the shelf waiting for someone to take me home.
And then, why do you think people are so cruel? I mean, just because someone's a bit different, does that make it automatic for everyone else to go out of their way to tear them down?
I knew then that something else was bothering Alec. (Well, no shit, Magnus. Really?) The only thing was, I wasn't exactly sure how to go around and ask him.
…Alec? What happened?
I don't really even know. It was all in a haze, mostly. I mean, I never expected Jace to join everyone else when they decided to gang up on me.
Actually, I'd hoped that he would stick up for me.
Stupid, right?
One drop of water hit the lower part of the page, and a warm hand smudged it away, smearing ink in the process.
And all I can recall is how when we were in elementary school, and he was still fitting in, I went out of my way to make sure he was okay.
And he was so nice to be around, so much fun and all the chaos we caused together…
Is it so wrong of me to wish that he still cared for me like a brother?
Yes, I had a crush on him.
It was a short period of time, and it was stupid, and I have no idea how on earth Jace found out but for god's sake it was years ago and-
He paused, but the tip of the pen was still held against my paper, and I could feel his anguish and more than anything I just wanted to take it away.
And it's stupid. Why do any of us really care? In a year (Maybe. Perhaps. If I'm still breathing.) or so, I'll be off in college, leaving Jace and Isabelle and adorable little Max behind.
Another pause, Alec didn't exactly pull away. His pen was still on paper, as if he was carefully considering what he was going to reveal to me and how much he was going to give up.
…I feel like that may kill them, actually.
Well. If Isabelle's cooking is as bad as you say it is, then it might. But take-out never hurt anyone.
What. Magnus, how do you know about take-out? You're a notebook.
I am a notebook that pays attention to what you put in here, and not too long ago you were saying how you would prefer Thai take-out from the 'shitty hole-in-a-wall' than your sisters cooking.
…Yeah. Forgot about that...
What he did next completely melted my little paper heart. Little by little, stroke by stroke, Alec replicated a little teddy-bear with the most adorable eyes ever, the words 'I'm sorry,' looking up at me.
…For?
For being stupid.
Don't tell me that's really why you spent about ten minutes (What I assume is ten minutes anyhow) of your life drawing the cutest teddy bear ever.
Fine. I felt like drawing a teddy-bear. So?
Happiness at the small admittance flew through me. Sure, it was a small thing, but Alec was deciding to trust me with something. (Before doesn't really count, since he had no idea I was there...)
Nothing, Alec. Nothing at all.
Anyhow, I have to go. School work beckons.
Thank you, Magnus.
-Alec
And then careful hands shut my pages, gently setting me back into his bag (I assume, since it's quite cramped. Compared to other times of the day, anyways.), carefully checking to make sure nothing was bending my cover the wrong way, or nothing scratched at my leather.
He's so kind, so caring.
Why would anyone pick him to bully?
Why Alec?
This, I could not wrap my thoughts around.
Okay. I think I maybe fixed it this time. I think?
I don't even know anymore.
Thanks for reading! :)
