Always Darkest Before The Dawn

by ABrighterDarkness

Hermione lives through a hell at the hands of a man she thought she loved far from anyone that she'd once known. When she's forced to do the unthinkable, she returns home to London determined to make up lost time. Will the ghost of her past ever stop haunting her? A story of the Path to Healing ***Trigger Warnings in several chapters!***(NOT Abandoned. On Hiatus!)

5. Chapter 4 - Discussions of Importance

********TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER: This chapter does involve discussions of physical abuse and semi-graphic descriptions of sexual abuse!***********

Chapter 4
Discussions of Importance
1 December 2002
Hermione's Apartment
London

As ashamed as she might be to admit it, it had taken Hermione another full week to gather enough courage to leave her flat once again. She'd gone through all the pregnancy books that she'd bought on her previous trip with Ginny several times over by that point and, surprisingly to her, she found her loneliness had finally gotten to the point where she was craving company. During that week, she had received a few owls from Molly, Ginny, and Harry to check up on her but she'd responded simply with a missive stating that she was just trying to wrap her mind around things and she would be back to receiving company soon. She could sense the disappointment in the letters from the two witches and the concern in Harry's but she truly did feel that she needed some time to gather her senses.

It was that loneliness that finally drew her from her home once more. Pausing outside her door after ensuring it was locked, she weighed her options. She could return to the Burrow and check in. She promptly nixed that idea considering it was mid-morning on a weekday. Surely the majority would be at their respective places of employment still. Though, she did still owe Molly a conversation. She quickly decided that she would make a quick trip through Diagon Alley in order to purchase a few more books and visit the Emporium to see if she could find a new furred or feathered friend. After those tasks were completed, she would use the floo at the Leaky Cauldron to go to the Burrow. Apparation was, after all, not the safest method of travel while pregnant, not that she was yet comfortable enough yet in her magic to attempt it anyway.

Mind settled, she slipped down to the ground level of the building, wrapping her coat firmly around her and made her way to the building that, to most on this end of it, looked abandoned. She silently made her way through the pub, managing to avoid drawing attention onto herself and into the back alley. With the appropriate taps on the correct bricks, she sighed appreciatively as she entered the Alley. Her mind briefly got lost in a sense of nostalgia, remembering the first time she had visited, just after her eleventh birthday. She was shaken from her thoughts by the need to bite down a whimper as she was nearly bowled over by a wizard who was clearly in a hurry to visit the goblins at Gringotts. Taking a shuddering breath she made her way towards the Emporium, opting to skip the bookstore for the moment.

A small grin spread over her face as she took in the sights and sounds of the various types of creatures around her. Without thinking much on it she avoided the reptilian area of the shop and diverted her attention to the furry feline types. While an owl would likely be more practical, for once, she didn't want be simply practical. It seemed that the majority of the cats were quite grumpy about their current residence and not impressed at all with her attempts to get their attention. Disappointed but not discouraged she continued her exploration until a shadowed blur in one of the cages caught her eye. Looking closely, a fond smile grew across her expression.

It was a tiny, long haired, black kitten with bright yellow-green eyes. The kitten cocked his head curiously, seemingly observing the witch that was observing him. Almost shyly, he made his way to the edge of his cage extending his small nose as far as he could to familiarize himself with the woman. Hermione raised her hand and extended her index finger and brushed it gently over his soft head and when he didn't show any signs of protest she withdrew her hand long enough to open the cage and carefully lift him out. She giggled softly as the little nose poked her chin, cheek and then nose, sniffing curiously when she raised him up to cuddle him in the crook of her neck and shoulder. With a decided nod, she moved about the shop gathering the things that she would need to care for the kitten before moving to the counter and quickly paid for them.

Deciding to forego her trip to the bookstore this visit, Hermione quickly made her way back to her flat and dropped off the supplies before heading back out again-kitten in tow-this time with the Burrow being her destination. A short walk and a quick floo trip later, Hermione landed in the kitchen of her second home, brushing the soot from her clothes and soothing a frazzled kitten.

1 December 2002
the Burrow
Ottery St. Catchpole

"Hermione? How are you doing, dear?" the Weasley matriarch asked, clearly surprised at seeing the young witch.

"Hello, Mrs. Weasley, I'm sorry for the last week, I just really needed a chance to try to wrap my head around everything that's happened and still happening," Hermione said quietly, eyes glued to the floor rather than face the motherly witch. "I know that I promised you a conversation, if you're not too upset with me that is of course."

A near silent sigh escaped the elder witch and her posture dropped slightly. "Look at me, Hermione," Molly urged gently, when the young witch obliged, she moved forward to rest her hands on the girl's shoulders and smiled warmly. "I am not upset with you, my dear girl. Worried and concerned, most assuredly but I understand and even expected your temporary retreat. You have gone through so much, even discounting the ordeal with that...man. You are a strong woman and you are a survivor. If I knew absolutely nothing more about you, I would know that."

Hermione let the tears fall, despite how tired she was of allowing them to do so. With a wavering voice she spoke quietly allowing her thoughts and fears to, finally, be known. "Is it still surviving, though, if that's all you can do? Survive without really living because what's safe feels like a ploy and it feels safer to be alone than risk the past repeating itself? What kind of life am I bringing this child into when its mother is a terrified, broken shell of a woman? A woman who turned herself into a murder in order to save herself? When its father was a manipulative, abusive bastard with a cruel streak as wide as Gringotts is deep? When its mother was so weak and walked so willingly and so obliviously into his trap? What type of role model does that make me? How in the world could this child possibly look up to me and see strength? And see anything more than utter misery?"

A sob escaped and she furiously wiped away the stream of tears, Molly felt dampness on her own face as she listened to this girl, her daughter in all but blood, vent her fears and frustrations. With a resigned shake of her head, Hermione continued. "I h-hate it but a part of me truly hates this child. What it means. What it connects me to and reminds me of. I'm terrified, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how I'm going to be able to look at this child and see him and still be able to function as a good mother. That terrifies me more than any other aspect."

Hermione could feel heartbreaking fury build in her heart at the man who seemed to destroy everything he touched. Although trembling and tear laced, her voice was strong as she let her fury form into words, volume raising in line with her emotions. "That bastard has taken everything from me!He has destroyed parts of me that I didn't even know could be broken. And he's still doing it from his grave! I don't even know if I have it in me to be able to love my own damn child because that bastard did his damnedest to ensure that my ability to love at all was the first thing to be damaged before any of the rest. Just a week ago I couldn't even hardly move or breathe properly because of him!"

"T-The night that this child was conceived, was a nightmare among the nightmare. I only know, of course, because by that time in our…relationship…sex was only ever used to make a point not for any sort of actual sexual pleasure. At least not for me. H-He had some sort of work event that required us to dress up and attend. I remember being in our bedroom and working to get into the gown that he'd purchased for it. It was a struggle as he'd put me through a particularly vicious beating the night before. I still don't know what set him off that night, though looking at it through hindsight, I might have gotten more letters that I never received. Anyway, I-I was pinned against the wall with him behind me and his hands squeezing my throat before I even realized that he'd entered the room. H-He was so angry. We didn't make it to the event that night, which of course only made him that much angrier. That was a very long, very painful night. I think I will be very hard pressed to ever truly forget it."

Hermione shook her head to pull herself from the tortuous memory and wiped the tears from her face with her sleeve before turning back to Molly. "How do I do it? How do I not look at my swelling belly and eventually my child and remember that and not allow it to jade my feelings towards him or her? How do I look at my child and not see him? How do I ever move forward when every sudden movement makes me shrink into myself, when the thought of someone even being irritated because of me absolutely terrifies me because I automatically brace myself for the inevitable punishment? H-How do I ever trust that I'm safe again?"

The last statement was made just above a whisper in a voice trembling in conjunction with the tears that were running down the young witch's face. Without a word, Molly pulled the girl into her arms and embraced her in a hug that conveyed the woman's silent support. Hermione allowed herself only a few moments of sobs in the older woman's hold before she pulled back and started forcing her emotions back under control. "I-I'm sorry that I lost control like that. I hadn't meant to unload all of that onto you," she said once her emotions slowed.

"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, Hermione. Not a thing. Now, come, we'll settle with some tea and have a chat, shall we?" Molly said gently yet sternly. She led the young witch to take a seat at the table and started the kettle. While she bustled around the kitchen, the older witch allowed her mind to run through the painful breakdown she'd just been privy to. Hermione had always been such a strong young woman. The girl had been through far too much in her short years. Considering it all, it really was not surprising in the least that a breakdown was pending. It was unlikely that this would be the only one either. Even without the raging hormones that accompanies even the most normal pregnancy-which dear Hermione's most certainly was not-it was unsurprising that the compiling events would be nearly too much for her to bear. Truth be told, Molly couldn't be sure she'd have not been much worse in the same situation.

With a silent sigh Molly turned her attention back to the young witch, settling a cup of hot tea in front of each of them as she settled into her own seat. The pair sipped their tea in contemplative silence for a few moments before Molly broke it hesitantly, "Hermione, I know that I have not always done right by nor stood by and behind you when I should have but you should know that Arthur and I truly do love you as though you were one of our own. As far as we are concerned you are our daughter in all but the name itself. I only wish that I had the thought to add your name to our clock before you had left. Perhaps if I had, we could have been there for you when you truly needed us. Unfortunately, we failed you on that aspect."

"There are a lot of your questions that I cannot answer because I am not and have never been in the situation that you currently find yourself. I can tell you, however, that you are in no way weak and you are not a murderer. You are no more a murderer than those who killed during the War to defend themselves and their families. Had you not protected yourself, Hermione, you would likely never have had the opportunity to sit here, in this kitchen, having any sort of conversation with me or anyone else for that matter. That disgrace of a man would have killed you eventually. You did only what you had to do in order to survive. It may not be today, it may not be even a year from now but you will get through this, my dear. I know this because you are not the type of woman to give up on something that you care about. You are not the type to give up because someone expects it of you. You are the type of woman who will push forward and thrive, if for no other reason, than to prove your critics wrong."

"I don't think that I am that woman anymore, Mrs. Weasley," Hermione replied quietly.

"Nonsense. Do you want to know how I know, without the slightest doubt, that you are still every bit that woman?" Molly questioned. At the weary but curious nod from the young witch, she continued, "I know because you are sitting right here in front of me. Had that strength truly left you, you would have not had the strength nor the courage to remove yourself from that situation, regardless of how the removal came about. That part of you has always been there but for the sake of self-preservation you allowed it to lie dormant until you found yourself in the right set of circumstances to be able to call it forward again. I find it quite coincidental that your strength and courage was called forward at the time that you were on the verge of reaching the point in your pregnancy where it would start to become physically noticeable, don't you?"

Hermione paused in surprise and tilted her head in thought. Had she not just finished the books regarding the topics discussed at her appointment with Healer Catherine, she would likely not have caught the oddness in the situation. She may not have known at the time that she was pregnant but her body and subconscious-and most certainly, her magic-would have known. Could it be possible that this pregnancy caused her magic to find the quickest way out of the dangerous situation and saved her life? The pregnancy that she'd spent the last week cursing and crying over could very well be the very reason that she was still alive if Molly's suggestion and her own line of thought were correct. She was startled out of her thoughts when a fluffy, black blur landed in her lap. A smile rose onto her face as she stroked the kitten and turned her attention back to Molly who was watching her with an affectionate smile.

"I think, in time, you will be just fine Hermione. You'll never be able to go completely back to the way you were, too much has changed in your life but that is not a bad thing. We all grow, change and adapt. I am more than happy to be here to help you through this new adjustment. I don't think I'm speaking out of turn to say that Harry and the rest of this family feel exactly the same. You are loved and we will all be here every step of the way." Molly said, reassuringly.

Hermione lowered her eyes and cleared her throat roughly, "Thank you, Mrs. Weasley. You truly have no idea just how much that means to me."

"I do believe that should be enough of this "Mrs. Weasley" nonsense, my dear. I do recall telling you multiple times before you'd gone that it was either "Molly" or "Mum" and I will say it again now. I don't suspect you'll require me to repeat that direction again, will you?" the elder witch questioned, expression affectionately stern.

Hermione felt her cheeks warm alongside her heart and offered a shy smile and a tentative response, "Of course not….Mum." The elder witch's beaming expression brought a feeling of relief. Despite the fact that Molly had invited the turn of title, Hermione had still felt weariness over the idea of being too forward. The woman's expression, though, laid rest to those fears. At least for the current time.

The aftermath of her breakdown was surprisingly comfortable. The two witches spent the afternoon conversing over a various range of topics all of which seemed to flow naturally between the two. It was as if her disappearance and subsequent reappearance had brought them closer and sealed the familial bonds in ways neither witch had truly anticipated but appreciated nonetheless. Between bits of conversation and numerous cups of tea the two worked seamlessly together to ready a hearty dinner for the rest of the large family. Hermione scarcely realized the passage of time until the door pulled open to reveal a boisterous set of voices as several wizards entered the home.

"'Mione!"

"Hello, Harry," she replied with a quiet smile, standing to allow him to pull her into a warm but gentle hug.

"Are you alright?" he asked softly in attempts to keep their conversation mostly private amongst the various chatter of the household.

"Yes, or at least I'm getting there anyway. I'd like to speak to you and Ron this evening, if you've both got the time?" Her nerves and anxiety showed clearly in her tone and words but Harry made no mention of it, rather just gave a small nod in response. Without another word spoken between the two, he loosened his hug but kept an arm around her waist as he led her towards the table for the dinner that she'd helped to prepare. Once again Hermione felt enveloped in a sense of safety. Something that caused her mind to become decidedly torn. In one respect, the feeling of safety and security was something unattainable for so long and she found herself wanting to lean further into the wizard granting her such a feeling. On the other hand, however, her mind still warred with the idea that the sense was either fleeting and would be gone again just as quickly as it was given or, worse still, it was yet again completely false.

Logically, she knew Harry. She knew this man. She'd known him for a decade. And while his teenage years were known to be somewhat moody and more than a touch angsty-understandably so, in her opinion-the Harry she knew, had always known, was scarcely one prone to violence. He had had his occasions, as had she-enter the lovely little strike at one Draco Malfoy-but never could her mind draw logically draw true parallels between Daniel and Harry.

Her current mental struggle didn't stem from logic though. She wished, truly wished, that her more irrational fears and anxieties could be explained and soothed away by something as simple as logic. That didn't appear to be her reality anymore though. As safe and secure as she felt with Harry's simple gesture of wrapping his arm around her waist, her mind quickly began to associate the protective with possessive and then the possessive with controlling and the controlling with demanding. Demanding was always the final step before the violence and the pain.

Feeling the panic beginning to creep through, she glanced pointedly to her left to the wizard in question, mentally scolding herself. He will not win any more. This is my life. With those phrases repeating like a mantra in her mind she spoke to distract from the now easing grip of panic. "Harry, I thought you taught? Is it the norm now for the Professors to leave the school during the term?"

He offered a slightly guilty smile and a shrug as they settled at the table side-by-side, "No, not typically. I'd-uh-well I've been in conversation with the Headmaster since your return. About your return. I'd requested a bit of leeway to be able to help you readjust. I'd not said a word about anything that was discussed last week or anything but the Old Man seemed to have some sense of understanding anyway. He agreed that, with the exception of class and office hours and my designated Hogsmeade weekends, I have a bit of freedom with my comings and goings so long as they don't affect my tasks. And since you kind of disappeared on us last weekend, I had hoped that, by tonight, you might be a bit more comfortable talking about what it is that's bothering you."

Hermione studied him for a moment, head tilted in thought-something Harry found utterly adorable, though he'd be unlikely to admit it aloud-before offering a tentative smile. "I'm sure that the 'old' me would be more than ready to scold you just now but…I really do appreciate what you're doing for me, Harry."

With a small smile, he carefully grasped her hand in his before turning to his meal.

More than an hour had passed before the family had eaten their fill and began to drift away from the table to the living room for a more comfortable setting. It was then that Hermione came to her decision and halted Harry's move to follow the rest with a tug on the hand that he still held and catching Ron's as he passed. "I need to talk to you. Would you like to go for a walk? Please?" She asked quietly. Both men nodded and switched direction to gather their cloaks and scarves.

Once adequately bundled against the cold, the recently reformed Trio made their way outside. Despite the cold and the impending conversation, it was a rather lovely walk with friends she had dearly missed. Her left hand was wrapped in Harry's right while her right was resting in the crook of Ron's left arm. None of them said anything initially, nor did they particularly want to break the current silence. Rather, it was with a sense of peace that the three slowly made their way to the edge of the Burrow's property line. When they finally stopped walking, they found themselves in the same place that Hermione had found Ron only a week earlier. It was a peaceful spot and Hermione could very much understand why her redhead friend seemed to be so fond of it.

Without releasing any holds, they took seats on the ground-Harry, of course, was the one to remember a warming charm-and made themselves comfortable. It was then that the air between them tensed just slightly, though Hermione thought it was possible that she might be reading into it more than there actually was. She felt more than saw both men bring their attentions back to her when she took a deep breath and exhaled heavily, gathering her strength for the conversation ahead. "I suppose first off, I owe both of you an apology. I knew you were concerned for me and I ran and hid anyway, like a child rather than actually speaking with you. Even if just to tell you that I wasn't ready to talk about it. It's just that…It's just that I'm so incredibly terrified and so confused and uncertain. The last week has given me opportunity to put things into perspective, I suppose. Either way, though, I am sorry that I hid away like I did this last week."

"No need to apologize, 'Mione," Harry said quietly, "we're worried about you, of course. It's just that we know that you're struggling. On many different things. I think that I can speak for Ron and myself when I say that we're willing to try to help however we can but we can't help if we don't know how."

"Harry's right," Ron commented. "I know that I was pretty cold and rude last week and I'm also sorry for that. I'm not going to say it didn't hurt a bit that you took off but I knew it wasn't for good. Not this time. I'm happy that you're home. We all are. Just like we all know that we'll do anything that we can to help you get back on your feet. However big or small a task it is."

For yet another time that day, Hermione felt tears moving down over her cheeks. Pulling her hands away from the two she wiped her face dry with the sleeve of her cloak before folding her hands in her lap. Staring down at her fingers she took another solidifying breath before speaking again, "The reason Ginny and your mum were in the room with me, the reason I ran, it's that…it's that I'm pregnant. Daniel's, of course."

Author's Note:

Yes, I am unfortunately leaving this one as a cliffhanger. There's just no way for me to be able to get everything that I want into one Chapter. There was already the very overwhelming conversation with Molly early on and I'm wanting to have the conversation between the Trio to be just as involved and thorough. This felt like a natural break off point. The next chapter is already in progress but not even close to being finalized as of yet. I'm a bit of a perfectionist when I write . I think that, so long as I'm not head on with any triggers of my own, I should be able to have the next one finalized and uploaded for you by the end of next week.

Until then, I look forward to reading whatever reviews you're willing to share with me. Again, critiques and constructive criticism is most definitely welcome. Suggestions, recommendations, and requests will always be considered but might not be put into the story. If they are not used, however, I will let you know why.

Hope you enjoyed the Chapter!

ABD