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Chapter 2

Eighteen Months Later

Vinny peered around the metal door of his locker to peek at his partner. He sensed that he had annoyed Jamie as they were winding down their Sunday tour. He'd offered to set him up on a date - his girlfriend had a friend who was smart, pretty and well-educated. Vinny figured she might be right up his alley. His knew his partner didn't have much of a social life and he wanted to help the guy out.

"Come on, Reagan, man. It's time to get out there," Vinny Cruz said.

"I'm fine," Jamie responded as he stuffed his dirty uniform into his bag. He was avoiding his partner's eyes to hide his discomfort and annoyance at having this topic brought up again. It seemed that everyone and their mother was after him to 'get out there', 'find a nice girl', and 'have some fun'. You name it, he'd heard it from any number of friends and family members, but his heart wasn't in it and he didn't know when it would be.

And no one seemed to get that.

Vinny closed his locker and stood in front of his partner with his hands on hips. It didn't escape his attention how Jamie tensed whenever he brought up this issue, but what kind of partner would he be if he didn't watch his back? "You're not fine. All you do is work, box at the gym and hang with your family," he pointed out as he turned to check his bag and make sure he had everything.

"So?" Jamie shrugged, shutting his own locker and walking quickly out of the locker room in the hopes that he would be leaving his partner behind.

"So?" Vinny echoed with a raised brow. He stood up straight when he suddenly found himself alone and quickly jogged after his partner.

Jamie sighed to himself when he heard the familiar voice follow behind.

Vinny skirted to the left to make way for a perp and his arresting officer before catching up to him. "Listen, man, I'm not saying those things are bad. And don't take this the wrong way, but it's time for you to go out and meet new people," he explained and paused for a second to summon the courage to add one more thing. "A girl, maybe."

Jamie knew he was coming from a good place but didn't want to hear it. "Vin, I don't think -"

"Hey, no disrespect, partner, really," he interrupted. "I'm just concerned, is all." And he was. They hadn't even been working together a year and he could tell the guy was lonely despite the big family and countless friends he had on the force and elsewhere. He couldn't imagine what losing a wife must have been like, but he had to get back out there eventually. Right?

"Some random girl is not going to fix that," Jamie argued as he stepped out of the precinct.

"A fling? No. But some companionship? A relationship? Yes," Vinny clarified.

"I'm not interested. And I have gone out, by the way," Jamie claimed as he acknowledged a few officers making their way up the precinct steps.

"With who?" Vinny asked. Jamie missed how his face scrunched up as he considered his partner's statement. Vinny's brow then suddenly furrowed when he remembered one particular brunette. "You mean Dana?"

"Yeah," Jamie confirmed as Vinny caught up to him on the sidewalk.

"You only went out one time," Vinny pointed out.

That was true. Jamie had only gone out once with Dana after running into her one day while on tour. And he had only agreed to the lunch date because she had been a friendly face from the past, familiar and safe. In the end, that had been the problem. She ended up being a constant reminder of Sydney, in both appearance and personality, even in the stories they shared of their time at Harvard. He found that too difficult to deal with. Jamie had made it apparent when they ended the date that things wouldn't progress at all from there.

Jamie felt the need to end this conversation now. "I'll see you later, man. I'm already running late to dinner with the family. See you tomorrow," he said quickly, leaving behind an even more concerned partner.

Jamie sat in his father's living room after dinner, hunched forward on the couch as he went through an old photo album. He'd shown up halfway through the meal, apologizing for his tardiness and avoiding the usual looks of sympathy he'd get, mainly from Erin and Linda. But lately he'd started to notice some concern coming from the men in the family, which irked him, so he ignored it. Just like he ignored most things these days to avoid the conversations that would ultimately lead to his personal life, or the lack there of, and the painful issue of Sydney's death. Jamie had become a master at the avoidance game over the past year and a half.

Jamie sat up when a glass of scotch appeared in his line of sight. He looked up into the kind face of his father and reached for the proffered drink. "Thanks," he said.

"You're welcome," Frank returned as he took a seat next to him. "You looked like you could use it," he added while glancing at the old album on the coffee table.

Jamie's brow creased at the comment.

Frank turned to his son when he remained silent. "You usually pull the albums out when you're thinking about certain people," he explained.

"Is that right?" he asked and smiled sadly. "You could always read me like an open book," he stated with a mixture of annoyance and warmth at the fact that his father knew him so well.

"You are my son."

"Yeah," Jamie replied, grateful for that.

Frank sat back. "Jamie, you know you can talk to me right?"

Jamie nodded and looked down into his glass. "Of course," he said.

"Then talk to me, son," he pleaded.

"I don't -" Jamie began to respond.

"I've been in your shoes, Jamie," Frank interrupted. "So don't try the 'everything's fine' line on me." He took a deep breath as he organized his thoughts, flashing back to a time when he too struggled with the loss of a spouse. "At first, it feels like your heart's been ripped out and things are never going to be good again. And then slowly the world goes back to normal, except the part with the giant void you can't seem to fill. Once you've healed enough and think that maybe you should try to take part in the normal things in life, you hesitate. You hesitate because you feel like that would be some sort of betrayal," Frank said. He waited until Jamie looked at him, acknowledging all that he'd just said with one look.

After which, Jamie quickly turned away, his lips forming a tight line. He took a quick sip from his glass to distract himself.

"It's time for you to go out there and live again, Jamie."

Jamie frowned and opened his mouth to argue.

Frank held a hand up swiftly. "Hold up," he ordered. "I mean more than the work and family you limit yourself to."

Jamie sighed, too tired to pretend everything was fine. "I don't know how," he confessed.

"Sure you do," Frank assured him. "I'm not trying to be flippant and I know it's cliche, but it's like riding a bike. Trust me, I know," he said. He looked sadly at his tumbler as he considered the fact that three generations of Reagan men were all widowers.

Jamie rolled his eyes at the expression. "It wouldn't feel right," he shared.

Frank nodded in understanding. "At first it might not. Not because it's wrong even though you think it is, but because it's all new again. You're not even thirty years old, son. You have your whole life still ahead of you and you're too young to be spending it alone."

Jamie knew he was right. Still, to this day, he missed Sydney terribly. He missed her and what having her in his life meant - the love, the companionship, the intimacy. He'd always been the kind of person that thrived on those things in his life. And truth be told, he was afraid to have them again because he felt that he might be betraying Sydney and her memory; afraid that if he had them again, it could so easily slip out of his grasp like it had already.

"Sydney would not have wanted that for you," Frank whispered.

Jamie met his father's eyes. No one would ever understand him like he did. "I know." He took another sip and leaned back against the couch cushions. "When did you know it was time?"

Frank smiled in response. "Not that you should follow my example, but it was about three years after your mom passed."

A memory flashed across Jamie's mind and he pursed his lips as he tried to hold back a grin.

Frank raised an eyebrow at his son. "What?"

"Blonde with long hair," Jamie said, thinking back to that cold fall night long ago.

"Who?" Frank asked.

"Was that who you were seeing about the time I went on the job? Right after graduation?" Jamie inquired.

Frank sat back, confused as to how Jamie would know about Kelly. He remembered standing around the kitchen with his youngest after a drama-filled Sunday dinner, and admitting to Jamie that he had been seeing someone when his son had asked him about it. But Frank had never said who he had been dating. "How did you know that?"

The grin remained on Jamie's face. "After my first day on the job, Syd and I went to dinner with some friends down on pier sixteen," he began.

"And?" Frank prompted.

"Well, we were outside along the river and who do I see? You, of all people, escorting a tall blonde to a cab. And it was obviously more than just a friendly goodbye, dad," Jamie said, smirking.

Frank was surprised, both eyebrows arching up, almost comically high. "You saw us?" he croaked.

"Yeah," Jamie nodded with a laugh.

"How come you never said anything?"

Jamie shrugged. "What was I supposed to say? I was fine with it. Like you said, mom had been gone for years. None of us expected or would want you to be alone for the rest of your life."

Frank smiled sadly and gave him a knowing look. "So now you know where we're all coming from," Frank clarified.

"Yeah," Jamie conceded. "It's still tough to do though."

"Tell me about it," Frank sighed, remembering well how daunting that had been and he'd been out of the dating scene decades longer than Jamie has. "But once you do, it does get easier," he assured his son.