Wide-awake at 4:48 in the morning, Luke squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to ignore the day ahead. Curled up in a fetal position, he pushed all thoughts of the day away as he tried vainly to sleep a little more. Lorelai's sweet gentle huffs and snores soothed him, but only so far.
Sighing, he rolled over to lie flat on his back, flopping his arms to the side in a dramatic self-sacrificial gesture.
"Meep!"
Unfortunately that sacrificial gesture resulted in his right arm, Lorelai's favorite due to the tattoo that completely changed her mind about stick-in-the-mud Luke Danes, sealing his reputation as a sex god with mysterious 'bad boy' depths, accidentally landing flat on her stomach.
Normally 'Meep' was a sound Lorelai made during good times, indicating extreme pleasure or happiness.
Today, however, it meant "Oh my friggin' god what in the world are you thinking waking me up in the middle of the night after an evening spent trying to placate guests at the Dragonfly who had become incensed when Michel said 'Hello' in his usual French way but they understood his double entendre and realized the insult he had intended and would not be satisfied without a blood sacrifice." She was going miss Michel.
"Sorry sorry sorry!" said Luke contritely. A surfeit of kisses, further apologies and a promise to let her watch him eat a whole piece of pie by himself succeeded in Luke spooning a dozing Lorelai as he helped her go to sleep again.
"I don't want to go see your parents tonight," he groaned.
"Stop whining, you big baby. You know we have no choice." She pulled the comforter over her ear hoping that the extra layer of polyester fiberfill would muffle his whining.
Luke flipped his side of the comforter off his shoulder, still not satisfied with "It's not pretty enough" as a reason to not buy a good quality 100 percent goose down comforter, with the down given freely by free-range geese as a sort of "Locks of Love" for aging hippies who stopped needing to sleep on the ground under blankets of leaves and moss once they had given into corporate culture and discovered that money actually can buy something pretty close to happiness.
"First I hate that I have to open the diner since I won't be there tonight to close. Morning with you and Charlie is my favorite part of the day."
Her peeved silence encouraged him. God, he loved this woman, always there for him when he needed her. She, on the other hand, contemplated the possibility of stuffing the comforter into his mouth in order to get him to shut up so she could sleep. There were moments when she missed her monosyllable man.
"Second, your parents are never going to change. It's the same thing every time. Every. Damn. Time."
"You know we have no choice, Luke. The minute we try to skip these dinners all hell breaks loose."
"I know," he sighed resignedly, tucking his aquiline nose into her coconut-scented locks. He fell asleep strategizing ways to make sure Lorelai chose a sugar-free pie for him to eat.
"Just one more minute. Don't ring the doorbell yet. We've got time. It's not seven." Luke was nauseated not only from the agonizing evening ahead of him, but also the huge piece of pecan pie Lorelai had forced him to eat.
"Man up, Luke, the sooner we start, the sooner it ends." She adjusted his tie and kissed the tip of his nose trying to soften the scowl on his face. It didn't seem like a very good idea to kiss him on the lips, given the greenish tint to his skin that he acquired after eating his punishment pie.
Lorelai checked Luke's tie, then bent down to Charlie. She tugged his jacket down in back, adjusted his tie and kissed the tip of his nose. No need to kiss a scowl away, Charlie's eyes were as big as saucers and the excitement was evident on his face.
Luke hefted him by the armpits so Charlie could ring the doorbell.
A maid had clearly been staked at the door because it opened instantaneously.
Holding tightly to Charlie's hands they moved to the elegant hallway, its giant staircase curving imperiously to the second floor.
Imperious herself, Emily stood exactly two stairsteps up from the ground floor as she monitored their entry.
The four year old Charlie fairly shook as his muscles tensed. Luke and Lorelai exchanged glances, then at her nod, released Charlie's hands.
"Gamma!" he screeched as he flew to her side.
"Charlie!" Emily opened her arms wide, gracefully descending the final steps and bending low to embrace her grandson.
His mouth began moving with the countless things he needed to tell his beloved grandmother as the two began chattering about everything and nothing.
"Charlie, your grandfather is waiting for you in your playroom," she said. "Shall we go find him?"
"Yes, we shall," he answered trying to mimic his grandfather by standing as tall as he could and looking down his nose at his grandmother.
They walked around the staircase, Emily tossing one comment over her shoulder as they left. "You know where the drinks are. We eat at seven."
Luke guided his wife into the living room where they discovered Rory and Jess sitting on one of the slippery sofas. He and Lorelai took seats in the armchairs on either side of the sofa; Luke stretched his legs out as far as they would go, deliberately kicking Jess' feet. "Hey, keep those things on your side of the table," he joked.
"Aunt Lorelai," smirked Jess, "have you been feeding Uncle Luke sugar again? You know he's uncontrollable when he gets all hopped up on the stuff."
"Don't call me Uncle Luke," growled Luke.
Jess lifted his eyebrows innocently. "Aw, gee, thanks. I guess I'll just call you 'Mom' and 'Dad' from now on?" He snickered as his in-laws both gave him death stares.
"I've got Ritalin on order. We'll see if it calms him down," replied Lorelai casually. Turning to Rory, she added, "How long have you been here?"
Rory didn't bother to sit up from her slumped position, nor did she crack a smile. "One martini, two "Why aren't you pregnant yet?" one business card of a fertility expert, a lecture on giving birth in a hot tub, and two pair of booties, one pink and one blue." She drained her glass and headed to the bar cart for a refill. Slightly unsteady from her near-chugging of the first martini, she spilled a little onto the cart, which she wiped up with one of the booties.
"Life's a bitch when you're not the favorite anymore," commented Lorelai, not unkindly. Joining her daughter at the bar, she poured a double bourbon for Luke and a dirty martini for herself, setting the glasses down on the glass coffee table.
Life hadn't been unkind to Rory. She'd parlayed her presidential campaign gig into a permanent writing/editing job in Boston. A couple of years ago she and Jess ran into each other at Luke and Lorelai's Thanksgiving blowout bash. Jess had spiked pretty much every beverage in the house and once they had gotten a naked Kirk and Patty off the roof (don't ask), Rory and Jess decided to check out a midnight showing of Rocky Horror. They carried on a heated online affair between Boston and Philadelphia for several months, culminating in an exclusive committed relationship right after Rory dumped Logan (for his over-the-top escapades while drinking) and later Marty (for his lack of escapades because he didn't drink).
Jess, who apparently struck the right balance between escapades and alcohol, won her heart quickly, and before long they were engaged in a very mature fashion, which for both Jess and Rory meant that they were able to say "I love you" without either of them running away.
Jess went to Lorelai to ask for her blessing, which she did not give, saying that she was very proud of how much he'd grown since leaving Stars Hollow, but that Rory probably wasn't yet ready for a permanent relationship, because she had neither her first Pulitzer nor the chief editing job at the New York Times.
Rory went to Luke for his blessing, which he also did not give, because he thought Rory was too good for Jess and was still kind of ticked off about the way Jess had left his crap lying around when he lived in Stars Hollow and the hearing damage Jess' music had given him.
Neither Emily nor Richard gave their blessing either, using the word 'hoodlum' rather excessively. The extensive background check that Emily ordered on Jess earned her a month-long stay at a rehab clinic after she was discovered drunkenly casting spells on him in the name of Trix at the annual DAR picnic.
Jess' mother Liz, on the other hand, thought that their engagement was cool, mellow and groovy. TJ drew them an engagement portrait on his Etch-a-Sketch, but unfortunately dropped it before Rory could discover that all of TJ's portraits bear a strong resemblance to Spongebob Squarepants.
Christopher's only reaction was to tell Jess how cool his leather jacket was and ask if Lorelai was available to have a private parental discussion on this the occasion of his daughter's wedding, preferably at a pied-a-terre in Paris, and, if she agreed, could Christopher please borrow Jess' leather jacket for the occasion.
All of these authority figures changed their opinions eventually. Luke and Lorelai had a big fight when they heard what the other had said, but realized that make-up sex was far more fun than actually resolving the disagreement. Emily and Richard needed only to hear about Jess' business success and financial windfall to suddenly bribe certain DAR bigwigs to ignore the more salacious details. Liz was bummed when TJ's suggestion for air pants at the wedding was flatly rejected by her son. Christopher, being rather less an authority figure and more of a giant dick, ironically enough inversely proportional to his actual size, said nothing.
After these early bobbles, Emily's vision of an Audrey Hepburn style Rory/Jess wedding went off without too many hitches, excepting a wedding-crashing Logan who hooked up with Shane, and TJ, who inadvertently forgot even his air pants.
Since then, Rory and Jess made their home in Boston, where Jess opened a new Truncheon headquarters and they lived happily until Emily began the baby pressure. Charlie had been established as the favorite grandchild as soon as he fell in love with everything Emily and Richard did for him, but a few months after Rory's wedding they began dropping hints for their first great-grandchild.
Seven o'clock came and went without Emily's appearance. Freda, the German maid, came servilely into the room at the appointed time, but when she saw that Emily was not present, she abruptly turned and stomped away, muttering obscene-sounding German words about stupid Americans who wouldn't know what a schedule was if it came up and bit them in the arsch and how her sauerbraten and potato dumplings (Charlie's favorite) were going to be ruined. Jess and Luke began to bicker over the few nuts left in the bowl.
"Mama! Mama! Mama!" cried Charlie ecstatically, waving a red crystal glass apple in his hands. "Gamma gave me an apple! Look at the apple, Mama, look at the apple!"
Lorelai lovingly caught her beloved son up in her arms and hugged her to him. "That is a pretty apple, baby boy. Shall we ask Daddy to cook it up into a pie tomorrow?" she teased.
Charlie exchanged a knowing look with Emily. "Oh Mama, don't be silly. It's glass. You can't cook a glass apple, right Gamma?"
"Hey buddy, what happened to your clothes?" asked Luke.
Charlie twisted the exquisite Murano glass apple carelessly in his hands as a beaming Emily watched in approval. "Got dirty," he commented nonchalantly as he straightened the tiny tweed jacket and bow tie that his grandparents had dressed him in. "Simple cloth gets dirty," he quoted his grandmother as he looked at his beloved papa through the vintage handcrafted glass worth more than Luke's whole outfit.
Lorelai and Luke exchanged eye rolls as Rory's stomach growled her need to increase the food to alcohol ratio in her body.
Richard came into the living room carrying a pint-sized Louis Vuitton rollaway suitcase.
"Luke, my boy!" he boomed as he approached.
Luke stood to greet his father-in-law, but instead of a handshake Richard dropped the suitcase into Luke's outstretched hand. Surprised at the weight, he nearly dropped it, lowering it awkwardly to the ground.
"We picked up a couple of things for Charlie which need to go home with him tonight," added the taller man who was not coincidentally dressed exactly like his grandson.
Luke began drawing up plans in his head for an extension to the Crap Shack's garage for storing the countless gifts flowing from Emily and Richard. He turned to move the suitcase off to the side of the room as Richard took Charlie from Lorelai's arms and sat him upon his shoulder.
"Charlie, my good man, are you ready for dinner?" he asked affectionately.
"My good man," repeated Charlie, patting his grandfather on the nose.
"I hope that Freda has managed to cook an edible meal this time," huffed Emily. "It's like she's left the food standing for ages sometimes. Honestly, Germans have no sense of timing. I have no idea what all this nonsense is about German trains running like clockwork."
Freda appeared again, suitably servile. "Dinner is served, madam."
"Charlie, honey, let's put that apple down on the table," suggested Lorelai.
"Okay, Mama."
In a moment worthy of The Matrix, time in the Gilmore household slowed down to a crawl.
Emily and Richard fawned over their grandson as if nothing at all unusual was going on.
Luke's eyes widened as he realized what his wife had said.
Jess smirked as he saw the action begin to play out.
Lorelai stared dumbly at Luke as he lithely performed a cat-like maneuver, twisting his body in mid-air as he jumped towards Charlie, stretching his hands out in his best baseball form as if he were single-handedly going to win the seventh game of the World Series on this one catch alone.
Rory drained her martini glass, and having no other place to put them, stuffed the booties in her brassiere as she careened toward the dining room.
Charlie, still in his grandfather's arms, let go of the apple, some four feet about the antique glass coffee table.
Jess covered his face with his arms.
Luke missed both the table and apple completely, landing heavily on the floor with just enough time to protect his eyes.
The apple landed on the table, first creating a beautiful spiderweb pattern as the cracks spread from the point of impact to all corners of the table. The apple itself broke into an explosion of red fireworks arching back up into the air, to Charlie's delight.
Emily and Richard, still holding Charlie and smiling at him, turned toward the dining room.
Lorelai closed her eyes as the last of the glass fell slowly to the floor, leaving bits and pieces on her husband as he lay there wishing he could just dig his way back to Stars Hollow.
"Lorelai," said Emily as she left the room.
"Got it, Mom. I'll call Mrs. Kim tomorrow and make an appointment for us. Turn of the century, right?"
She knelt beside Luke, brushed the glass off his shoulder and helped him up. "Nice try, hon. Did you hurt your back?"
"Little bit." He banged his head against the floor a few times. "Can we please not visit your parents for a very very long time?"
"Sure, but you have to break it to Charlie. I'm not going to help you with the temper tantrum this time."
Lorelai rubbed Luke's back as they moved slowly to the dining room. "At least it's only the fourth table so far this year. Much better than last year."
A/N: Meep is for DSLeo, as always.
Funny how much grandparents can overlook when it comes to grandkids, isn't it? Thus ends my exploration of javajunkie babies. This story is complete, unless some other idea pops into my head at a future time.