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FOUR
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Wednesday
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Kyoushi Island mornings are a gem.
But this morning is not one. And the highly-trained warrior in Ty Lee immediately notices the lack of sea in the atmosphere, the quiet of her surrounds and the Azula that does not look the same as the last time that she has seen her. She is no longer bound in a straightjacket, no longer beholding any sight with crazed, dilated eyes. Instead this Azula that calmly sits crosslegged across the bed has her eyebrows raised, sipping tea.
Ty Lee is suddenly sure that this is a dream.
Dreams of a past where the war is but a source of memorable glory where beautiful and clever princesses thrive. Where war is not a catalyst of pain and eventual betrayal as a neglected child slowly unravels in her most powerful. Azula had sat, content and blissful after the deed as Ty Lee asked. What does this mean to you? It means whatever you want it to be, Azula had said, eyes closed. And Ty Lee was gripped with frustration because even she had not known what she wanted, what she thought of them.
Dreams of a future when Azula meets redemption and Ty Lee would finally be allowed entrance to the one-way mirror that separated them, take the Princess into her arms and go far, far away where she would stop fearing her and Azula will start loving her. Because the world is already out of her reach. She has nothing. Ty Lee has nothing so they might as well have each other. But the first time she visited was the last time and she went back to the welcome respite offered by Kyoushi Island, leaving the unpleasant memories behind her. By then, she already knew what she wanted. But she fears Azula and has never stopped. Ty Lee is a coward.
She fears Azula's rejection.
But seeing her now as she always imagined her to be. Well and sane. Yes, Ty Lee is very sure that this is just a dream.
A pleasant dream.
Ty Lee does not want to wake up.
"Good morning Ty Lee." Her unforgettably sultry voice greets and Azula stands, dressed only in a red robe with as far as Ty Lee can tell, nothing else underneath. This is her vision, the sane, cured Azula waking her up every morning, the wife that is not meant to be except in the illusions of dreams.
"Azula?" She tries to keep the glee off her voice, the excitement. This is just a dream. Just a dream. But why does it feel so real? "Er, good morning Azula!"
"How much do you remember?" The question confuses her for a moment and she frowns.
"What do you mean…?" she voices with a breathless drawl, staring at Azula's inquisitive gaze because suddenly, it looks a little bit… hopeful? "… how much I remember?"
She looks to her left. A mirror. A significantly older version of herself. Hair unbraided, some lines marring her once flawless features. It is not exactly how Ty Lee had imagined herself aging, especially not in the presence of her perfectionist Princess, so impeccable, so beautiful. But this is just a dream. And she does not have any control in this world. She looks back at Azula, who has her eyebrows raised, waiting, staking out her wordless prompt.
If she acknowledges that this is a dream, would she wake up?
Would this sane, clear-eyed, calm and composed Azula dissolve and be replaced once again of her nightmares of the raving lunatic she left back in her homeland?
Or worse, would reality come crashing back again and she would wake to the island of Kyoushi, thousands of miles away from the girl she always slept thinking about?
Would she wake up lonely once more?
Would she-?
This is just a dream.
A dream.
A dream.
A drea-
"Are you okay?" The voice again and Ty Lee is snapped out of her momentary stupor. Is that possible? In a dream, can you wake up from a daydream? Azula is warily keeping her distance, head still cocked in askance. She looks like she wants to reach out, wants to touch. In response, Ty Lee just smiles, holds out her hand.
"Ty Lee—" Azula hesitates, eyeing the outstretched arm. Frown. "Are you sure-?"
Ty Lee crosses the distance in three large steps. "I miss you Azula." She gathers the startled girl in her arms, buries her face on the slightly taller woman's neck. She smells like home, the musky, unique of the love that they consummated the first time before the Invasion and she is struck on how it feels so real, how tangible Azula feels.
How could she touch her now, in a dream when all those years even in the kisses, the touches, the sex, the walls are so high up that even as Ty Lee leaped bounds and scaled barbed wires, she could not even reach her?
When in the past she could not even touch the heart that soon broke under pressure?
But you were the one who broke it, weren't you?
You must have touched it.
You must have touched it and it burned and burned and burned until there is nothing that stopped the monster from breaking out.
Until there is nothing holding her back from slipping.
She breaks the hold and looks at the Princess' shocked golden eyes. "Let's do something today." She suggests as cheerfully as she could, trying to keep her heart from beating too fast, focusing her energy on keeping this realistic fantasy going. Because only in sleep would her dreams come true. Only in sleep would Azula be less of the monster that she has become to be.
She does not understand why Azula looks so confused.
This is just a dream. This is just a dream. Don't go away. Don't go away. Don't go away.
Azula steps back.
Ty Lee grabs her hand.
"No. no I mean, we could do whatever you like, Princess. I mean…" She is stuttering, panicking. Because this could not be those other times when her perfect image of Azula vanishes. Where the manic laughter of the deposed royal she has betrayed would break the beauty of her delusions and make way for the horrors of her waking fear. "Just don't leave me alone. Please don't."
She does not want to wake up.
Not from this.
Not when Azula is…
"I wouldn't." Azula's voice is reassuring, leveled and Ty Lee feels a gentle hand squeeze her shoulder. She still looks bewildered though and Ty Lee evades her space once more, crashing back in her arms. "My, my. You really are rather affectionate today Ty Lee.
"I miss you." She murmurs back the words that she cannot tell to the shell of the person Azula has become. The straitjacket. The wide, golden eyes. The vicious snarl. The lips that once kissed her now screaming the words that do not make her aura so pink anymore.
Traitor!
This dream… this world she is in now. Where Azula is not the Princess who wants to kill her own brother for her father's approval, where she does not have to burn a whole kingdom to be admired. Where Ty Lee is not so in love that she has to let go and is not so afraid to get her back.
In the real world, Azula is still not ready for her love, for anyone's love.
Perhaps she will never be.
While Ty Lee is not ready for her rejection.
But has now long since prepared herself to lose her.
This dream… this world.
This is a world… this is a world…
This is a world that she is not meant to have.
But she wants to keep holding on it, for as long as she could.
"I miss this too." She hears Azula say as slowly she feels strong arms disentangle her own from her body. There is a curious glint in the Princess' eyes as fingers touch cheeks, as hair brushes skin. Ty Lee waits for her to lean down. Azula does.
Their lips meet.
And her heart pounds, protests, roars so loud she is sure that Azula will be gone the moment she opens her eyes.
But Azula is still there. And the sun shines from behind her, ethereal and absolutely stunning.
"Come downstairs with me." She coaxes, pulling on Ty Lee's arm. "I prepared breakfast. Your favorite."
….
.
"Just in case, you are thinking about it…" Azula says as she carefully set down elaborately decorated sweet, sugar cakes, complete with pink icing on top. A cup of coffee was already brewed as well, creamed and with lots of sugar. Dream-Azula is dressed in an apron, her hair pulled back by a red hairband. The image is not something that Ty Lee dreamed of before but she decides that it does not look so outlandish.
After all, in this world Azula is the loving wife she probably would never be.
"… this is not a dream." She finishes as Azula places her own plate on a seat in front of Ty Lee. It is a small wooden table, made only for two. The kitchen is nothing magnificent as well. But Ty Lee would not have it any other way. Ty Lee would not have Azula any other way.
She has always been in love, always been infatuated with the idea of Azula more than Azula herself.
"Of course you would say that." She giggles and takes a bite. Not bad. She takes one more and another and another. In her dreams, there are those little things that always clarifies that Azula is still not perfect. Because perfection destroyed her. Like how she cannot cook without burning it or how Ty Lee is still the one who fixes her hair. How she still makes those awkward jokes. How Ty Lee still laughs at them even if they are not funny. "Yes, of course you would say that this is not a dream."
Frown. Azula gives her a long look. Like she is some nutjob. Ty Lee resists the urge to remind her that she was the one admitted in an asylum. "I'm serious."
"Of course you are, Princess." Ty Lee says cheerily, taking another bite. "This is good."
"You're twenty six." Azula continues. This time, she looks really baffled, an expression that is usually never seen painted on the normally complacent Princess. "And I am your wife. Don't you find that odd at all?"
"No." Ty Lee responds. Would it all be over if she acknowledges that this is all a dream? Ty Lee finds that she does not want to risk that. "It is exactly how I imagined it would be."
"We don't live in the palace."
"That's fine."
"You are not Fire Lady."
"Even better." Ty Lee smiles. "It's not like I ever wanted to be Fire Lady anyway."
"I did want to be Fire Lord." She thinks she hears a slight note of accusation in Azula's voice.
Ty Lee is seized by apprehension. No. Don't go away. Don't go away. Don't go away.
"Some things aren't meant to be, Azula." Like this, she thinks. She keeps an eye on the slowly darkening countenance of her Princess, her dream, watching if she will soon be replaced by the nightmare of the gnashing beast calling her treacherous. Ty Lee refuses to let go. "But I did tell you once and I will tell you once more. I love you, Azula."
Dreams. How pathetic. She could only tell it to Azula when she is not even real anymore.
But Azula's face softens. She munches silently and sighs. "I love you too."
Ty Lee exhales in relief.
"So what is the last that you remember?" The question again. Azula has her head tilted sideways, brows creased. She sounds interested. "I mean, when you woke up. Or let me rephrase: what did you do yesterday?"
She trained with the Kyoushi Warriors, she wants to tell her. She wants to tell her dream everything, her fears, her worries, her short reprieve from all of those. But this world is not under her control. In her dreams, it is an uncertainty when it would spiral down to a nightmare, when she would wake to the pain of reality.
So she evades the question. "Well, what did you do yesterday, Azula?"
She hopes that this would divert the situation from her acknowledging the truth of the matter aloud. That this is just a dream. This is just a dream. Not real. Not real. Not real.
Don't go away.
"Yesterday, hmmm… let's see, I was taking care of my amnesiac wife who thought she was nine." What Azula says makes no sense and Ty Lee is gripped with worry. Is it starting? Is it starting? She looks for a sign that her dream Azula has already morphed into the insanity of her real self. But Azula stays immaculate and resolute as ever, just waiting for her reaction. She resumes. "I thought that I will be taking care of a confused wife again which I don't mind. But suddenly, she accepts everything like nothing happened. It would have been a welcome change except that I am the confused one now."
"What in the world are you saying, Azula?" This does not make sense at all. Is Azula…? Is Azula?
She looks for signs.
She does not seem like she is slipping.
Like all her previous dreams did.
Azula shrugs, crosses her arms, raises an eyebrow. "The days in the asylum are several years ago for me Ty Lee." She pauses. "I do not think I am crazy."
"You know about that?" Her dream Azula is not supposed to have experienced that!
"Of course I do." She sounds offended. "I am not the one who has amnesia."
And in that instant, it all falls down to Ty Lee. The kiss, the scent, the Azula that feels so real.
She is not dreaming.
This is not a dream.
Not a dream?
"Amnesia?"
And in a second, Azula is beside her as Ty Lee finds herself beginning to heave breaths, hyperventilate.
"I'm sorry." She hears Azula whisper in her ear, feels her lips on her cheeks, her kisses on her tears. This is not a dream. This is not a dream. This is real. And Azula, crazy Azula that was just on Fire Nation Asylum last time she heard, has her arms wrapped around her trembling frame.
Ty Lee has amnesia.
Twenty-six.
Wife.
Don't you find that odd?
"I will always take care of you."
….
.
She did not faint.
But she must have blacked out.
She does not remember how she got into their (their!) bed, with Azula smoothing her hair and tracing circles on her sweaty palms. But the feel of the cold compress on her forehead feels real enough, like the touches, the smell of Azula and the occasional kisses that her… twenty-six year old… wife brushes on her skin. The blankets stink of sex, like that time before and after the invasion. Her presence ignites something in Ty Lee and she melts because isn't this something that she has always wanted?
Dreams are not supposed to make sense but thinking this is one is more sensible than recognizing the fact that her reality eleven years into the future is being the wife of an Azula that does not look so crazy (and looks so perfect) and her not even remembering how everything that seems so shambled when she was fifteen come to this perfection of a married life.
She purses her lips and she feels Azula place hers over it. Ty Lee feels herself fervently respond, feels her own limbs snake around the leaning woman, drawing her closer, closer, closer… just to feel her, feel that she is real and she would never go away like the last time and that Ty Lee would never let her go.
They break off, kiss again and again and again until breathing becomes a priority and Ty Lee ends up with her head propped on Azula's chest as she asks for the first time. "What happened?"
Azula shifts, pulls her closer. "You obviously know what happened to put me in the asylum."
"Did you escape?" Ty Lee always knew… feared that this is a possibility.
"You helped me to."
Ty Lee gasps.
No, that is impossible.
She could not have…
"I'm joking." Azula chuckles at Ty Lee's incredulous, wide-eyed stare. She rolls her golden eyes. "Would you have let me out, Ty Lee?"
Is that a trick question? "I think I'm too much of a coward for that, Azula."
"Oh, really?" Her tone is light, almost amused. "Afraid that I will try to take over the world again?"
"No. I am scared of you. You. Only you."
"If I come back at you and Mai for betraying me back then?" Azula sounds like she wants to know.
"Something like that." Is her noncommitant reply, snuggling closer. Because she wants to relish this, to savor everything about the very real Azula she initially thought that only existed in her most fantastical dreams.
"Liar." Azula says but she does not push Ty Lee off like she half expects her to.
"I'm afraid that you would reject me."
"Ah. The inevitable confrontation, you mean."
Ty Lee realizes that Azula knows what she means, what she has dreaded all the time in Kyoushi Island. "Did that happen?"
"I had doubts, yes." Azula does not elaborate.
"So…" she proceeds, trying to overcome the growing hesitation. "…how did you escape?"
"Actually, Zuzu let me out."
Oh. That does not sound too bad. "Really? That's nice of—"
"Well, that's after you chi-blocked me for the second time. I'm not joking. We totally planned that out to force Zuzu's hands."
"What?" She pushes herself up to look at Azula who has her eyes closed halfway. "I chi-blocked you?" Again?
"That was all part of the plan. Don't worry."
Ty Lee does not believe, could not believe that.
Azula opens her eyes. "A wise man learns from experience. It's the fool who learns from mistakes. Either way, I have been chi-blocked once and I know what happens when it wears off." Pointedly, she holds Ty Lee's eyes, lips thinning into a smirk. "You do know that too, right, Ty Lee?"
Your limbs become more flexible than you can imagine, she thinks, remembering her own training, the agony of paralysis for several hours before you feel the most fluid than you have ever been, joints turning to jelly to slink out of every restraint.
"You got rid of the straitjacket." Ty Lee states, eyes wide with the dawning comprehension. Yesterday, she was just in Kyoushi Island, promising herself that she did not want, could not see Azula ever again. And yet… she would find more than a decade later that not only had she done the same deed that had been the catalyst of their tacit breakup but that it was all part of a connivance that brought them back together. Here.
In a dream that suddenly came true.
Azula tells her about long-lost mothers, spirits, a civil war and bounty hunters. About incompetent Fire Lords, a naïve Avatar, an infamous war criminal who chose to exile herself with her amnesiac wife because the Fire Nation stopped being a country she dreamed of ruling. Ty Lee learns about reunions, elopements and the honeymoons that ceased to be bliss the moment that Ty Lee started to forget her own marriage. She learns of their past—the future after she vowed to stop loving the real Azula and live in a dream because Azula is supposed to be the most beautiful, smartest, perfect girl in the world so that filthy, incoherent, broken one must be an impostor, right? The future where everything would have been perfect if Ty Lee did not hit her head.
Azula left her mark on her and when she disappeared through the throes of insanity, in her wake she punched a hole in her heart, the hollowness of something that would always be missing. The abundance of comrades should have filled it, Joining the Kyoushi Warriors—sisters who have shared her woes and problems—should have dulled the ache. And yet the hole stubbornly stayed unpatched, temporarily filled only with the illusions of kisses, touches, smiles from an unforgettable, irreplaceable princess.
Ty Lee wakes up today and finds that she is finally living the reality of that dream.
And yet, she thinks as their lips meet once more. Why does she still feel empty?
Why does she feel like she is missing something?
She searches for the answer through more kisses, through daring touches, through Azula and Ty Lee's naked bodies, through fingers inside her, through a tongue battling her own. And through the sweat and musk that their mutual orgasm leaves, through the undoing that Azula's husky, sweet nothings cause,. But in the end as they lay together, Ty Lee finds that this dreamed reality does not seem to mean much to her anymore.
…
.
.
Ty Lee mechanically goes through the coordinated motions of sex and by the third time that she comes undone for the day, Azula notices.
"You don't want this." She murmurs, pushing herself off Ty Lee's prone body who finds that she feels so numb, so spent to cry out and protest that no, this is what she wants. And this is always what she wanted, dreamed of and please, please do not go away.
But Azula finishes dressing back and Ty Lee does not even make a move, does not utter so much of a noise.
"You must be hungry." Azula mentions, her perfunctory tone back as if she did not sound almost livid a minute ago. She tosses Ty Lee's clothes back to the bed and it is purely instinct that she gets up to catch them. "I'll make us lunch."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
Shamefully, Ty Lee bows down. "It's just that, this is just too much for me to take. What I remember does not really correspond with what I imagined to be my future, my real future that is. Not the dreams." She rubs her forehead.
She feels a weight shift on mattress. Azula puts a hand on her shoulder but does not get any closer. "That is a typical reaction. But life is unpredictable. I'm sorry that you have to go through this every single day."
"I'm sorry too." Ty Lee replies, putting her own over the hand placed on her shoulder. "I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you too.'
"I got used to it."
"And because I do not even remember yesterday, I probably never would. Get used to it, I mean." She pauses as Azula says nothing to counter her mounting depression. Ty Lee sighs. "The last thing I remember is promising myself that I would never see you again and yet here we are."
Azula does not seem a bit miffed but she has her eyes shut. "I am hoping you do not regret it." She says this easily, almost in a joking manner.
"Of course not." It is not Ty Lee's intention for that to come out falsely. Her eyes widen, watching as Azula's face slowly darken. "No, Azula. I mean…"
"That's okay." She responds coolly and this time, Ty Lee can tell that the once ferocious Princess is holding back a snarl. The arm in her shoulder is withdrawn and there is that familiar thousand yard stare once again, deep breaths before finally saying. "I am used to it."
Ty Lee feels guilty. She did not mean that. Because this is what she wants, right? No, don't go away. Don't go away. Don't go away. "Azula, I—"
She stands.
"I'll make us lunch."
She does not give Ty Lee a chance.
The door slams close.
But oh, little girl…
She went away again.
….
.
It is not supposed to be like this.
It is not supposed to happen like this.
But that is only because reality is never perfect. Ty Lee says the wrong things. Ty Lee has amnesia. Azula's psyche is still as fragile as ever. Perhaps, seven years of being suspended into nothing more than her caregiver makes her crazier than she was when she wanted to murder her attendants.
Because Azula caring, sulking without lashing, being denied of anything, is just out of this world.
Maybe this really is a dream.
But her heavy heart, her fear to go back down and apologize to a probably seething firebender feels real enough.
For the next two hours, Ty Lee stays inside the bed room, listening to the pitters patters of Azula busying herself around the… their kitchen. She could not smell the cooking so she could not really guess what it is. But the clanging of the silverwares is testament enough to an elaborate dish. Firebenders make the best chefs in the world, she thinks. Azula is a genius so perhaps it is not so farfetched for her to learn enough to feed an ailing wife.
She finds a notebook placed in the bedside drawer (along with some trinkets that is not at all befitting of even the less illustrious of the nobles), a quill stuck in between the pages. A journal, with her name haphazardly signed at the front page as though a child wrote it. The calligraphy is uncomplicated, just the most basic of katakana that they learned as early as the first level in the Royal Academy. There is only one entry, five pages long and written in the same childish scrawl as she saw in the introduction. It tells her of what little she knows of the situation, guesses that Ty Lee is probably reading this journal without any memory of writing it.
The date yesterday. A smiley. And two stick figures, holding hands. She recognizes the doodle as that one she usually drew in the flyleaf of her math books, of her and Azula, back when everything that concerned the Princess—the beating heart, the blushing—can be attributed to a harmless crush.
She hears her own voice narrate it as she reads. She hears her own voice introduce herself as a nine-year old Ty Lee.
Don't freak out when you read this but that woman saying she is Azula, she totally is. And she is just wonderful. She cooks, she helps me bathe and she answers all your questions no matter how silly they are, which is more than what I can say about all those other adults that I can remember. Azula says that it really varies. For all we know, you might wake up thinking you are two years old. I asked. Azula said it happened once. She seems amused about it but I doubt she would want a repeat. Anyway, it is weird calling my tomorrow self "you" because I am sending this to myself and I am the one reading it. You know what I mean? It is just so freaky but as I said, don't freak out. I mean, you can totally trust Azula.
A summary of the day's events. What they had for dinner. Her being a circus performer. Azula being the most wonderful thing ever.
I mean, this is like a dream come true. Except the not-remembering-part. That is just horrible. Poor Azula. But she always tries to make it easier, like using as few words as possible so that my head won't spin. And answering all the questions. She also made me my favorite. And she is helping me write this. She is looking over my shoulder right now and corrects my spelling and straightens the pen. She tells me things that I may have missed. And well, isn't she amazing?
A dream come true, her nine year old self described the situation because clearly, she did not know any better. She did not know how Azula would turn out for the worse just mere five years later- three years alone with a megalomaniac for a father. She did not hear Azula's command to let them rot. She did not see how the once great and perfect Princess be demoted into a lunatic bound in a straitjacket. The nine-year old Ty Lee did not promise herself to finally let go, to just move on and never see her dream dissolve into a nightmare.
Obviously all she knew, yesterday, was of an infatuation to a young prodigy whose cruelty did not reach the point where she would threaten her oldest friend with lightning, where she would suggest killing an entire race to gain her father's approval.
A dream come true.
A dream come true.
Is being with Azula, after seeing her slowly dwindle down to the monster she feared herself being, really something that Ty Lee always wanted? Is it being a reality too much? Or does she really prefer the safety of dreaming where anytime that she wants to escape, she can just wake up?
She does not know.
Perhaps, she would never know.
Because the moment that she goes to sleep today, it is all over.
And she would wake up, see Azula and freak out.
Ty Lee grabs the quill and starts to write.
…..
.
"I'm sorry." She wraps her arms around Azula, resting her cheek on the Princess' stiff back. She pauses from adjusting the stove, the blue spark in her fingers fizzling out. Ty Lee holds tighter, taking the smell of cherry and smoke all in and does not let go. "I love you."
She feels Azula's stiff frame slacken, feel her slightly taller body lean against hers. Her head craned, nose buried on locks of disheveled brown hair. Fingers rise to hold Ty Lee's chin and in a moment, Azula is facing her, lips close to her own.
They meet.
Kiss. Again. And again.
Her soft mouth presses urgently against Ty Lee's, molding into a dance that feels like a dream and yet so, so real. Their hands intertwine, one arm wrapped around the Firebender's neck. And her tongue moves, battling against the one insisting entrance. Azula's smell is intoxicating, her needy pants music to her ears. But Azula goes no further and it is Ty Lee who takes the initiative.
They fall into each other on the kitchen table and the rough, wooden surface on her back jolts a memory that makes her certain that this has happened before. Azula trails kisses on her neck and Ty Lee cups her breasts through the apron. She smells burning, the stench of scorched meat. Ty Lee moans in halfhearted protest and Azula snaps her fingers.
She screams her release, propped against where they usually share their meals, where they start their day over coffee. But lunch is entirely forgotten and ruined. Azula sheepishly throws the blackened ham in the trashbin, shaking her head while Ty Lee just smiles contentedly as she slips back in her robes, joking something about it being all worth it.
If this is a dream… if this is really a dream…
She wants to remember this for the rest of her life.
The already dressed raw fish would suffice for now. Still soaked in their combined body fluids, Azula prepares bowls and plates of food, making sure that the water set on Ty Lee's glass is the purified one she boiled this morning. The ease in which Azula busies herself around the house is endearing to Ty Lee and her heart swells with something that she cannot identify. Perhaps, this reality is not so bad after all. Perhaps, her nine year old self is right. Azula is just wonderful.
Azula raises the temperature of the room. Ty Lee remarks. "You can still firebend."
"Zuzu never had a chance to have the Avatar remove it." She replies as she puts down the sauce between their places. Ty Lee glances at the sushi. It looks well made.
"He never did look for you?"
"Oh, yes he did." She shrugs airily. "But me terrorizing him for my claim of the throne is several years ago in the past. He might have given up."
"Zuko does not give up."
Azula frowns. It appears, that there indeed is no love lost between the two estranged siblings. "Maybe, he thinks I am dead. I don't care. I don't know." There is a dangerous glint in Azula's eyes and it takes Ty Lee a huge chunk of her composure not to cower. "Were you hoping that we could go back to the palace and live there?"
"No." Ty lee admits with a whisper. Does it sound truthful? Because it is true. Seven years. For seven years, Ty Lee lived here with Azula. It is not like she can do anything against that.
"I will always take care of you." Azula says and Ty Lee looks up, feeling herself smile. The former Princess of the Fire Nation answers with her signature smirk. "So don't worry yourself over it, Ty Lee. For now, let's just enjoy our day." There is a hint of excitement in Azula's voice. "What do you want to do today Ty Lee?"
"I took down some notes in the journal."
Raised eyebrows. "Oh? And what did you write?"
Ty Lee takes a bite. "Just my confusion about everything." She says between mouthfuls. She meant that as a lighthearted joke but there is that frown in Azula's countenance again and Ty Lee fears that she might have said something wrong. "I mean even now, I still think it is all a dream. I am here with you. And you cook for me, you draw the bath and we live far away from the civilization where politics is a household topic. We have…" Her face flushes on this one. "… sex and it does not break my heart anymore. Like before. And you…"
Azula is waiting, letting her continue.
"…are telling me that you love me, that you will take care of me."
"Does it sound too good to be true?" Smug smirk.
"It would have been." Ty Lee decides to be honest. "If not for the amnesia thing."
Silence from Azula.
Ty Lee plows on. "I mean, that's where my confusion comes from. One moment, I am having nightmares about you tearing my heart out and next I wake up with a perfect life, a perfect wife and apparently it's all real." She sighs, her lip trembles. "I just feel cheated, that's all. I always dreamed of this. Us, I mean. I…"
Azula listens.
"… love you. I always have, I guess. Even when I decided to forget you, I am still in love. With the memory. Us. Our past. But I do not have that now. I cannot remember how we came to this, how my dreams came true. Because I wake up confused, freak out at the sight of you. Us. I feel tricked, cheated. I cannot look back and gloat at the sufferings that we had because I cannot even remember them. I cannot enjoy the bliss, this bliss that we came to because I have no idea how we got there. You asked me what I remember last. I remember pain, Azula. Agony." She drops the chopsticks and this time, Azula pushes back from her seat, stands. "I remember fearing the real you so much Azula. And I'm so sorry." She sobs out. "I'm so sorry."
She is enveloped by two strong arms and Ty Lee's hurting head collides with a soft chest, with deft fingers combing through sweaty, brown hair.
"I love you too." A whisper. Sweet murmurings. She feels Azula's lips trace down a line on her tear tracts, licking off the moisture. "But I'm not sorry so don't be. We happened. It's far from perfect but we take what we can get." She pauses, tilts Ty Lee's head, meets her lips. "I will always take care of you."
"I wish I can remember that." The thought of tomorrow makes Ty Lee shudder. How much would she remember?
"You won't." There is certain sadness in that tone that almost drives Ty Lee to break down once more but Azula's hold is reassuring, an illusion once more. It is telling her that everything will be fine even if the truth is far from such. "But I will always be here, ready to remind you."
….
.
My name is Ty Lee and the last thing I remember is being fifteen, being scared, being in love.
I wake up and my first mood is being happily confused. Azula is here. The Boiling Rock, the asylum—they never happened. Perhaps Azula was not even a Princess turned to war machine. And it was all so perfect, like my dreams where I can separate all the good things that I love about my Princess from all the things I found myself foolishly tolerating. Her cruelty, her disregard for people's lives. She is… was the most beautiful, smartest, perfect girl in the world. And that is that. The girl of my dreams. The girl in my dreams. The girl… no, woman I woke up with.
Then reality crashes and I am just confused. Because surely this is just a dream? Azula remembers the Boiling Rock, the asylum. She escaped and I apparently helped her to. But did I not promise to forget her? That the Azula rotting in her cell was not the Azula I fell so hard for? That enough was enough and I don't want to be hurt again? That Mai was right and Azula, my Azula was just an illusion, a dream and she would forever be? And yet this Azula tells me it is all real. And she is perfect once again. But the real Azula is broken, crazy. I was in love with my dreams of her, not the lunatic that unraveled before the world's eyes. I refuse to be a masochist. I deserve a perfect life. I have it now and yet…
Azula is sulking downstairs. Perhaps, I should apologize. That one is my dream Azula. Yes, yes. I am still in love with her. And I don't want to lose her.
I must apologize.
….
.
.
I am still confused.
But it is already time to go to bed.
Azula is taking a shower now and I wait, dressed only in my undergarments. Azula seems eager and I cannot find it in me to deny her. She says something about moods, about her dreading tomorrow. I do too. I dread waking up not remembering what I should feel. Today has been very pleasant for us. I can tell Azula is happy and even though I am still bewildered, I am too. Perhaps, perfection comes with a price. Like it did with Azula. Perhaps, I am doomed not to remember because once upon a time, I tried so hard to forget.
Perhaps a spirit overdid his job and answered my prayers in the worst way. I don't know. But it explains why I finally am forgetting about Azula when I don't even want to. It explains why I cannot enjoy the reality of my dream because I tried to escape that nightmare years ago.
Yeah, that must be it.
I'm a coward.
I betrayed Azula.
I wish I can go back in time.
I wish…
…
.
The door opens and Azula comes out.
Ty Lee smiles, puts down the notebook and wishes that this night would last a little longer.
I wish….
(TBC)
.
Halfway there. The next few chapters would be a little shorter than what is usual. Thanks for reading and tell me what you think of this chapter.