….
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FIVE
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Thursday
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Azula has escaped.
Out in the world. With Zuko supposed to return two days from now with his mother and her new family. Without Azula. The telltale stomps of foreboding mercilessly steps on her heart. Azula has escaped. Azula has escaped. Azula will come for her. Ty Lee does not want to rise. Ty Lee wants to sleep forever.
Ty Lee wants to spend her dayoff with one bestfriend who will understand.
Mai would understand. Mai would know. Mai would be able to tell her what to do about her feelings. About the one part of her who wants to be afraid. About the other who wants nothing more than to comb through the forests and to find and bring her back.
She sees Azula in everything, finds her silhouette in every shadow that lurks behind shrubs, trees, behind the drapes of each curtain in the palace. She hears Azula, can imagine her domineering tone from the gentle whispers of the wind in the deafening silence of the halls. She can feel Azula, could pretend that the warm pillow that she sobbed on last night was the fiery, burning touch of hands that bent blue fire.
Mai would know. Mai would understand.
But the excitement of seeing her old friend again is not the something that she wakes up to.
Ty Lee wakes up with a heavy, heavy heart.
And the moment comes when Ty Lee sees those familiar golden eyes staring, pool of dark hair falling down gracefully as the outline of her frame hovered over her body. And she realizes that she is naked and Azula is too. What overcomes her that moment is trepidation, fear and the desire to scream. But there is no surprise. Oh, why is she not surprised? Azula came for her. Didn't she expect that?
Didn't she want that?
Azula leans closer and instinct rules over. With a flash of movements that Ty Lee should have been used to without much thought, she moves to turn the tables over…
Until, she finds that she is the restrained one, her wrists forcefully pinned down with two strong, lithe arms. This, she did not expect. She is not sure what has happened, uncertain as she is with everything else right now. But her limbs did not follow the command she just issued, refused to move in the way that she wanted to. Azula pushes her down harder. Ty Lee struggles. Meanwhile, her mind spins. And the bed creaks… bed?
She freezes and in that moment that she manages to take in everything odd in this picture, Azula's hold slackens. "Ty Lee." Her voice sounds as old as she now looks but significantly different from the hiss and snarl that she heard the last time they saw each other. How did you stop fearing me? Azula was wrong. How wrong she was.
Ty Lee never stopped fearing Azula.
In futility, Ty Lee once again tries to force her way out of the Princess' hold but the same as before, her muscles feel heavier, more unresponsive to her whims. Azula is as strong as ever and once more, the grip tightens. She can feel it. The heat emanating from a curled fist. And Azula herself is now gritting her teeth in frustration. "Seriously, Ty Lee…" She places herself above her, knees trapping the flailing naked body, She could feel Azula's warmth, the alarming response her own emits. "Just hear me out, will you?"
"Let me go!" She finally screams. And she is surprised how raspy her voice sounds, how much effort it takes to break off from the straddle until she feels the dampness of her face. She flails some more, moves with all her strength. But Azula does not relent and all that is left is grudging resignation. All she can do is plead. "Azula. Let me go. Let me go. Please."
She heaves. She pants. She sobs.
Azula suddenly springs away.
She keeps her distance, eyes still fixed on Ty Lee as she dresses herself with a robe. For Ty Lee's part, the useless protest has exhausted her bearings and she sinks further in the bed, crumpling the blankets and sinking into the desperation that she cannot even begin to make sense of. Because what in the world is going on? They are older. She feels older. They are in a room that she has never seen before. She is in bed, naked. And Azula is here, in the same state of undress as she is. She does not need any genius to realize what happened to put them in there. But Ty Lee does not remember. And there is a dull, throbbing in her head as she surrenders to the feeling of her mounting panic, the unpleasant pounding in her chest.
She is shaking when she finally gathers the courage to open her eyes to the strange world once again, when she sees Azula warily looking at her, as if weighing what to say. Ty Lee draws the blanket closer to cover her shame. She folds her knees, hugs herself. This seems to encourage Azula because she carefully shifts forward and sits on the side of the bed.
She does not dare to touch Ty Lee.
She just waits, with a look on her face that looks off, that looks unreal.
Ty Lee is sure that this is a lie.
Finally, Ty Lee chooses that it is about time to ask. One eye open, she takes a risk. "What happened?"
"What is the last thing that you remember?" Azula says this calmly, perfunctorily.
As though she is used to it.
"Does it matter?" is what comes out from Ty Lee. Harshly. And for a second, she is rendered confused by her icy repartee, the anger in her voice that does not sound like her own at all. Her fists clenched. The much longer legs jerk in apprehension. And she is not sure how she knows, how it is the first thing that comes to her mind. That somehow she is twenty-six, desperate and has amnesia. And that somehow, Azula is the thread that makes everything come together.
That when she pulls one string, just one string the web of lies carefully weaved together would all unravel.
But still tangled. Incomprehensible. Nonsensical.
"You have amnesia." Azula is still calm, calculating and something in her casual tone strikes a nerve in Ty Lee because how could she be so unperturbed when Ty Lee feels like her world is about to explode? "You had an accident. Seven years ago. We are married."
"How could we be married when you have escaped?" She blurts out. And the fear that she realizes has flooded the moment that she sees those golden eyes keeps her joints shaking, keeps her thoughts vastly incoherent. Already, it is dangerously spiraling down to one thing. But there is no way Azula would want me back again.
There is no way Ty Lee would want Azula back again.
Ty Lee fears her rejection.
But Ty Lee fears Azula more because she is that one thing that she never learned to understand.
"It's a long story." Azula's tone is not dismissive but it is not relief Ty Lee feels. "But can you calm down first? It hurts me seeing you like this."
The words sound sincere enough, her tone genuine.
But Ty Lee does not believe her.
….
.
She thinks that the kitchen-dining room looks familiar, in all its homey and simple glory. Even with her eyes shut, she can easily picture each nook and cranny, the few odd things that made what otherwise is just effectively carpentered space a unique blend of what it necessary and habitable for them. Ty Lee thinks that she saw that table, that jar, that coal stove before. Ty Lee thinks she remembers sitting there, sometimes feeling fearful, sometimes happy.
She sees herself being tied up in a chair.
She sees herself being fucked on the table.
She sees everything in quick succession of images, a blur of various frames that do not make sense. And her head aches, pounds. She resists the urge to smash it on the surface of the table, stops herself from just irrationally aggravating the pain.
And she feels scared, elated, dreadful and excited. It hurts to think which one is true, which one is a lie. Ty Lee woke up confused and stays so, even though for some reason she knows where the stairs are, what breakfast Azula—Azula!- would likely make and that she does not need to tell Azula that Ty Lee likes her coffee creamed.
Ty Lee somehow knows where they stand now because it feels like she has done this yesterday, even if all she can recall is but a gray matter of ambiguous recollections. But Azula has escaped. And there were rumors of coup broiling in the Capital. Suki had warned that they should be prepared when Azula reappears. Ty Lee agreed. When Azula left to search for their long lost mother, Ty Lee knew that she still has not given up. One way or another, she would try to take back the throne that was almost hers. It was a when. Not a question. Ty Lee had been waiting anxiously for Azula, dreaded the moment that she would open her eyes and the Princess would be hovering over her, fingers around her neck.
Ty Lee always saw through Azula's façade, saw more concrete and basis than the suspicions everyone immediately pinned down on the released Princess. But Zuko willingly took the risk so Ty Lee thought she should too. And they were wrong to do so. Oh, how wrong.
Ty Lee had wanted desperately to see Mai.
Ty Lee wanted desperately to know that she is still okay.
Which is why as of the moment, she is in a state of perpetual confusion because in all her niceties, in all the wife material she exudes, in the story told to explain how they met again, Ty Lee has no idea what to make of it.
Ty Lee cannot believe that Azula would change.
Ty Lee just cannot believe that she deserves this.
Ty Lee has always believed that the love that she held for the Princess is forever doomed to be unfulfilled, in sins unforgiven and redemption hopeless. "Why would you do this—all of this-for me?"
"Do birds ask themselves why they fly?"
Ty Lee remains skeptical.
"I will always take care of you." Azula finishes. The bounty hunters, the sweet escape and eventual reconciliation remains a distant buzz in her mind. Azula touches a strand of brown hair but does not go further. And she straightens up, fetches the cups. Her sultry tone reverberates around the house, lacking the malice that Ty Lee is used to. "Let's have tea instead for today Ty Lee." She says. Her voice rises. Ty Lee winces at the jolly tone. It does not suit her. "At the risk of quoting my fuddy duddy Uncle…"
Ty Lee only nods in response, automatic, listless. She is numb. She feels hopeless. She has no idea how to react.
But Ty Lee knows one thing.
She cannot believe Azula.
Because as natural as the birds that soar over the skies…
Azula always lies.
…
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.
"Don't we have anyone else we can talk to?"
They are in the sitting room, seated at the opposite ends of the couch. Azula raises her eyebrows and there is a flash in her eyes that makes Ty Lee wince involuntarily. "Am I not good enough for you?"
Ty Lee does not respond, craning her head downwards as she fixes her gaze on the wooden floor. Because it is true. To validate Azula's romantic chronicle of breakouts and elopement, she needs someone else to talk to. She needs to talk to Mai like she remembers thinking about. She needs to know that what Azula is telling her is the truth. That somehow, when she reappeared, she was redeemed in her own way and all she wanted was to be with Ty Lee. Because she is the only that she can have in a world that has no place for her anymore.
She needs to be reassured, needs to be certain that Azula is not lying to her.
She does not think she can take another pretext and break her fragile heart all over again.
She does not trust Azula.
She can never trust Azula.
"I love you." Azula finally snaps. There is an ugly crease on her forehead. The annoyance in her voice is apparent. Ty Lee subtly withdraws to herself. Azula rubs her forehead, as if this, everything physically pains her. "Isn't that enough?"
It is not.
Even though for some reason, it is the only thing that rings true to Ty Lee's ears.
But no.
Don't trust Azula.
Do not trust Azula.
Do not trust Azula.
The voice is a whisper but it does not tempt, does not seduce, does not hypnotize. The voice sounds panicked, fearful. The voice is warning her.
Ty Lee finds out that her silence howls louder.
Azula listens.
"You can ask me questions." Azula offers, relenting to keep her composure intact. Ty Lee watches her take a deep breath, curl and uncurl her rigid fists. Steam comes off her nostrils. Ty Lee half expects to smell the stench of burning flesh. Hers. Her burning flesh. "I will answer to everything, I promise."
The desperation in her voice sounds real enough. Ty Lee knows that yes, Azula will provide answers for everything. She always does when asked.
But it does not mean it is truthful.
"How about a request?" she ventures, not wanting to provoke Azula's increasing ire any further. The nonlaconic answer seems to excite the Princess as her face lights up, eyes wide. Ty Lee feels mildly disgusted, feels her distrust grow in larger proportions as the eager-to-please Azula waits. For this is not the Princess she knows. This is the Princess that Ty Lee just wanted to be and she is all but a fabrication of a hopeless, no…
A hopeful romantic.
"Anything." And the too enthusiastic answer ultimately seals the deal.
Ty Lee is tired of lies.
"Leave me alone."
….
.
Azula indeed, leaves her alone.
"I'll just go to town then.' There is a wistful note in her voice, a lisp of a sad, sad anticipation as though she is waiting for Ty Lee to change her mind. The amnesiac forces herself to avoid the look in Azula's eyes, the look that breaks her heart because once upon a time such a humane desire used to be just a wish. Now, it is just a lie.
A painful, manipulative, elaborate deception that kept up in seven years.
Seven years, she is startled when it comes across her thoughts. She closes her eyes, sees a fist flying towards her and darkness. It is gone when she opens her eyes. But there is an aftertaste of the bruise that it must have caused, the brittle memories that it broke.
Her fingertips find the right side of her temple, feels a slight sting as she presses on it.
"You fell down the bed last time. Three days ago."
Bath. Water. Candlelight. Kisses.
"You thought you were seven."
Lie.
Lie. Lie.
LIE!
"Ty Lee? Ty Lee! Ty Lee!"
She looks up, startled. "What?"
"I said: would you like me to bring something for you?"
"I can buy you a new one once I go into town next week."
A notebook. Azula looking over her shoulder. Words. Memories. Wonderful. I wish.
"You can buy me the new notebook that you promised." She says tonelessly before being able to stop herself. She closes her eyes, sees a nighttable and a brown notebook inside.
"Okay." Ty Lee does not see Azula's widened eyes and the suspicious frown that graces her features.
…
.
.
She finds the notebook and it is exactly as she visualized—the brown hardbound with a couple of torn dog-eared pages and the feathered bookmark. The ink was not refilled, just a few drops remaining in the small jar but for the moment, she is not interested with adding an entry to the journal. Azula looking over her shoulder. She flips from page to page, reads words narrated by a voice that it hurts her head to recognize.
Oddly enough, it does not take much of an effort to determine which one is a lie.
Because of course, she knows that she did not help Azula escape.
She never would.
Azula looking over her shoulder.
How could Azula have missed that?
….
.
She leaves a message in a place where she is sure that one of her future selves would eventually find and that Azula would never think of looking.
She is disappointed when she sees no message stuck in the corner of the cupboard and attributes it the fact that perhaps she never thought of doing so.
But she would leave her own tonight.
She does not want to sleep.
She does not want to forget again.
But she has no choice.
She only hopes that one of them would have a sense to see that Azula is not to be trusted.
Don't trust Azula.
Ty Lee closes the cubby.
…
The bathroom door creaks.
Ty Lee's head whirls around.
Gold.
Red.
Azula.
Then black.
.
(TBC)
Disjointed narration. Because as is probably apparent already, Ty Lee's mental stability in this is quite questionable. And oh, full circle and the title was also changed.
The bruise was alluded in the first chapter. The notebook was introduced in the third. No elaborate deception is perfect. There should be a psychology lesson about compulsive liars that I can paraphrase but I have never been much of an academic and what I wrote in here is merely derived from my own experiences with various people over the years. But as I have said and I will say again, this is NOT an accurate depiction of amnesia so I do not expect this to be taken seriously.
Two more chapters. :D