The One Where Liz Realizes
It was uncomfortably silent in the car; Ressler and Liz had not spoken to one another since they'd informed Cooper of their failure to capture their latest blacklister. Ressler's eyes remained solely on the road, and Liz would not look anywhere but out of the passenger's window. She knew he was furious with her at the moment, but this silence… this palpable tension between them, had been growing over past few months. How was it possible that she could feel closer than she ever had to Ressler, while also feeling as though they had never been farther apart? He'd trusted her enough to introduce her to his brother, yet there were times he seemed unable to be comfortable in her presence. One day he would buy her a coffee on the way to work, and the next, he would take the stairs to avoid running into her in the elevator.
Liz leaned her head back against her seat and sighed. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore her growing guilt. She stood by the decision she had made earlier, but she hated that she had let him down again. She knew that his anger was only there to mask something much deeper. As for what he was masking... lately, she wasn't so sure. "Ressler," she began quietly, "I didn't -"
He tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "Keen," was all he said, though his tone made his message clearer: He didn't want to hear it.
Liz found herself feeling increasingly defensive. She couldn't stand the thought of disappointing him, of him thinking less of her. "I didn't have a choice."
This seemed to fire him up. "There is always a choice!" He snapped, nearly running the red light in front of them.
"If you were so certain I made the wrong decision, all you had to do was stop me," Liz told him boldly, knowing that she had him. Some time ago, Ressler would have gone straight to Cooper if Liz had stepped a toe out of line. Since they'd taken down the Cabal and cleared her name, Ressler had begun to keep things between them, something that she attributed to his recent experiences. Liz hadn't been the only one affected by her time on the run; the Cabal had dragged Ressler through the mud too. They hadn't framed him for twenty murders, but they had thrown him into a world of corruption and filth. He was a good person, and the Cabal had used his need to do the right thing against him. They had dangled a past addiction to drugs over his head, they had separated him from everyone he cared about, they had filled his world with deplorable people. They hadn't tried to frame him, they had tried to ruin him.
Anyone but Ressler would've let them, Liz thought fondly.
Ressler made a sharp turn into his apartment complex, and Liz kept her eyes on him expectantly, waiting for a response. When he didn't grant her one, she pushed further. "We can't operate the way we used to, Ressler. We can't take some of these new blacklisters in, because three weeks later, they break out of prison." If Liz hadn't turned the monster they'd caught tonight into Reddington instead of the police, he would've been a free man in weeks. "This way we know he won't ever be able to hurt anyone again," she added. Reddington would see to it that he never lived to see another day.
Ressler shook his head at her and climbed out of the car. "That sounds great in theory, but the reality is not that black and white," he growled, grunting as he lifted a heavy box of case files from the backseat.
Liz followed him out of the car, raising her eyebrows. "You're lecturing me for only seeing things in black and white?" She scoffed and took his apartment key from him.
"His victims' families will never know who was responsible for the death of their loved ones, now, Keen. Thirty-six families will never get to see that monster be brought to justice. Thirty-six families will never know peace, because of that decision you made."
"The decision you let me make!" Liz pointed out again, her voice rising. "If you disagree with something that I'm doing, speak up then! Don't take it out on me later."
Ressler set the box down on the sidewalk, throwing his arms out beside him. "Why would I speak up? So you can disregard what I have to say and do what you want anyway? So you can do what you did today?" He was inches from her face now, and Liz could see a multitude of emotions swirling in his eyes. Anger. Frustration. Something else she couldn't quite put her finger on.
"What did I do today? Enlighten me!"
"You put me in a position where I can't do the right thing, because it will compromise you." His eyes darkened, his brow furrowing. "And you know I won't do that." He reached for her arm and tilted his head. "Ressler, please," he whispered, in what was obviously an exaggerated impression of her voice.
Liz jerked her arm from his, her temper flaring. She wasn't exactly sure what he was accusing her of, but she was sure that she didn't like it. "I don't do that," she hissed.
"Yes you do. You do it all of the time. And you need to stop it," he ordered.
She couldn't step around him and walk away; he was too close to her. Her only option was to lean back against the car and cross her arms. "I need to stop saying please?"
His blue eyes flashed angrily. "You need to stop assuming I'll break every rule imaginable, because it's you that's asking me to!"
"Well then stop making exceptions for me!" Liz fired back.
"I can't!" Ressler shouted, and something in his voice, something in his eyes, made Liz freeze. His walls had crumbled, if only for a moment. Now, she recognized the emotion in his eyes that she hadn't been able to decipher earlier. He was in pain. She was hurting him. And this anguish, this conflict she saw, was different from any pain she'd seen from him before. It hadn't come from a feeling of betrayal, it hadn't come from a feeling of exclusion, it had come from something much deeper. A wave of shocked washed over her, and she couldn't speak.
Others had alluded to Ressler's feelings for her being more than professional, and she'd written those claims off as ridiculous. She'd believed there was no way a man like Donald Ressler would have any feelings of the sort for her. He lived a life on the straight and narrow, and Liz lived a life as far from that as possible. He'd felt betrayed when she'd shot the Attorney General after he let her go, and Liz had assumed that was what was causing the tension between them. Now, she wasn't so sure… He let me go, she reminded herself, examining his past actions in a new light. Ressler had thrown himself into the task of hunting her down like it was all he'd had left… he'd come at her with such vengeance, with such vigor. She thought back to the way he'd saved her from the Russians, to the way he had watched her run away. He could've run after me, but he didn't, she realized. He also hated Tom with a passion that rivaled Red's… In spite of how her actions had clearly offended his moral code, no one had worked harder to exonerate her.
She met his eyes again, a strange mix of fear and awe swirling in her chest. She'd known Ressler was full of complicated layers, but this was one, as a profiler, she had never seen coming. Something told her that he hadn't seen it coming either, and that maybe he was just as - if not more - frightened by it than she was. "Maybe we should go over the case files tomorrow," she finally said quietly. Even though they were standing outside she felt like she needed some air.
It took Ressler a moment to find his voice. His loss of control had surprised him nearly as much as it had Liz. "That would probably be best," he said gruffly, feeling oddly embarrassed after his outburst. He actually wanted Liz to leave. If she left, Ressler would be in control again. In control of his emotions, and in turn, in control of his decisions.
Liz nodded and moved from her stance against the car. Ressler was now only inches from her, and this made her even more nervous than she'd been moments ago. Her mind began to race as she studied his profile. How long had he had these feelings for her? How had she gone from being his partner to being so much more without even realizing it?
"Keen." Ressler cleared his throat and took a few steps backward. "Do you need a ride home?"
Liz's eyes widened. "It's just a few blocks. I can walk."
Ressler frowned. "Keen, it's at least a mile. And it's dark. Let me -"
"I can handle myself, Ressler," she snapped, the words coming out far more harshly than she'd intended. She turned and walked away from him, too shaken by her realization to look back.
Author's Note: Hey guys! I had such kind, positive feedback from my first post here, that I decided to turn this story into a series of one-shots about how I think Liz and Ressler will fall for one another, how their relationship will progress, ect. I'm terrible at titles, so I'm naming each chapter like Friends episodes, haha. I hope you guys enjoy this one! If you have any requests, message me here or on tumblr. My URL is lizziekeen. :)