AN: So Sam and Jess become couple! :) Whilst I want to give the pair of them as many happy moments as I possibly can, I wanted their relationship to be real, with ups and downs - drama, fun and misunderstandings. There is still an inordinate amount of schmoop and fluff though! Also, I couldn't resist a certain visitor during Sam's presentation... :) Hope you enjoy; reviews are loved.
Warning - Entry 2nd April may be triggery for some; it involves a physical assault and the heavy implication of the potential of worse. Feel free to skip this entry if this makes you uncomfortable.
13th March - 23rd April 2004
13th March 2004
Dear Diary,
Sam asked me out! I'm going out on a date with Sam next week! I don't know whether to laugh, scream, run around, or what. I will admit to doing a celebratory dance as soon as I was on my own! Don't judge me, I'm just so excited, and happy, and nervous, but mainly excited and happy right now! I can't believe it! . ! Lotta's forbidden me to mention it more than five times a day, says I'll drive her insane otherwise, but I don't care! I'm going on a date with Sam!
I was sorting out my laundry, putting my t-shirts on hangers, when he came over. I could tell it wasn't just a social call by the way he shuffled his feet and kept twisting his hands together. I invited him in, so long as he didn't mind the mess. He seemed quiet but he assured me he was fine so I started jabbering on about school like an idiot when he interrupted me, clearly having screwed up the courage to say something. He asked me to sit down; he was chewing on his lip, knee bouncing where he was sitting. I sat next to him where he was perched on the edge of my bed, and I admit I was getting a bit worried about him. I put my hand on his knee to calm him and he threaded his fingers through mine, staring out our hands as I stared at his profile, trying to figure out what was wrong. He took this real deep breath and twisted to face me, keeping my hand trapped between both of his. And then he looked me right in the eye and asked me. Would I like to go out with him next week, as a date? He said he really likes spending time with me, that I make him smile, that I'm such a great friend and that he's never met someone as smart, as kind and as beautiful as me! I can't believe that that is really true, but the words melted my insides just the same. I just sat there, mouth open like a some kind of freak. I couldn't believe what he'd said. Coming from anyone else his words might have seemed cheesy, over-the-top, like a corny pick-up line, but everything about him was so sincere, so earnest, so Sam. How I could say anything except yes and that I felt the same way about him. You should have seen his face! He was clearly stunned that I'd agreed so readily, but the smile which eventually stretched across his face was the brightest I'd ever seen, and that's saying something!
I feel I'm on cloud ninety-nine! I don't know how I'm going to be able to make it through til next week! Especially with Sam's presentation in between. We would have gone out for our date sooner but Sam thought he'd better get that out of the way first. Whilst a whole week seems far too far away, I'm going to have to patient and I can completely understand why Sam wanted to wait until after.
I'm so happy! I'm never going to be able to sleep! Counting down til date-night!
Jess
17th March 2004
Dear Diary,
Presentation day. Sam was incredible! It went so so well. He was confident, passionate, convincing, just so professional. I can't believe he's only pre-law; he should be a lawyer already! He was so nervous beforehand, his hand shaking in mine as he clutched it tight, but I hugged him and told him he'd be fine, more than fine. And he was. The panel seemed very impressed, and they should be! (And on a completely shallow note, he looks amazing in a suit!)
During the mingling after it was all over, when Sam was talking to a group of professors on the other side of the room, this guy came up to me, asked if I was friends with Sam. Said, 'Sam did a great job, didn't he?' I told him he sure did and that I was really proud of him. He told me he was too, which is when I tore my eyes away from Sam and focused on this guy. He sure looked proud, wide smile, eyes trained on Sam just like mine had been; I can't explain why but he seemed sad too. I asked him if he was a friend of Sam's as well. He said that he was 'something like that', that they went way back and that he was just passing through town. Sam hadn't mentioned anything about an old friend visiting so I asked him if Sam knew he was here, because if they were as close as the guy implied then I was sure Sam would want to catch up. The guy frowned at that and shook his head, saying he couldn't stay and that it'd probably be best if Sam didn't know he'd come in the first place, so not to tell him; he'd just wanted to drop in and see how Sam was doing. I heard Sam laughing at something the woman he was talking to had said, drawing both mine and Sam's friend's attention. When I turned back, the guy had gone. I didn't even hear him leave.
I wish I'd asked his name. I'm sure Sam would like to know this guy, whoever he was, had taken the time to see Sam's moment and that someone else was proud of him, but then I remembered the look in his eye and how he'd asked me not to tell, for Sam's sake. I don't like keeping secrets, Sam's never kept any from me, but maybe it's for the best. Sam's been smiling so wide ever since the presentation and I won't be the one to take that away. I don't know why knowing an old friend visiting and being proud of him would do that, but this guy was adamant. It's strange…
But in any case, I'm so proud of him! Lots of people and law schools were interested in him and he's got a page full of contacts! He's amazing! I kissed him on the cheek in congratulation, which flustered him. He's so adorable. Two days until our first date…Can't wait!
Jess
21st March 2004
Dear Diary,
I've just got back from my first date with Sam. I feel like I'm floating on air, or some other equally corny, romantic cliché. Lotta made good her threat and threw her script at me, but I don't care. Nothing's going to stop me feeling on top of the world!
It was so nice. Sam came to pick me up, right on time. I'd been ready for a while, having tried on numerous outfits, stressing about what to wear since I didn't know what we'd be doing; Sam wanted it to be a surprise. He brought me flowers; they were gorgeous. I thought it might be awkward, since we're already good friends and all, but it wasn't, not in the slightest. He was still my friend, teasing me about my choice of top, before saying I looked great. It was still just me and Sam hanging out together, having fun; it was perfect.
We walked in the sunshine to the park, where Sam had set up a picnic for us. We spent the afternoon and evening just sat chatting, people watching, eating. Once we'd eaten all the delicious food Sam had brought he reached over, super slowly, to hold my hand. I could feel him watching my reaction out of the corner of his eye. I smiled at him, curling my fingers round his, shuffling closer and resting my head on his shoulder, enjoying the feel of his hand in mine as we sat in a peaceful, comfortable silence. It was such a nice change of pace, just me and him and nothing else. No school, no drama, no worries. I don't know that all first dates go so smoothly, but I think since we already know each other well, through spending so much time together over the past few months, the pressure to impress wasn't there even though we both clearly wanted the date to go well. It was perfect. Sam's perfect.
As always, he walked me home. Before he left he told me, with a shy smile, what a great time he'd had and that he'd like to take me out again sometime. I told him I'd love that, trying to ignore the goosebumps which Sam's hand skimming up and down my arm was raising on my skin. He leant in and kissed me on the cheek, before smiling at me one more time and wishing me goodnight, waiting until I was safely inside before he left. He's such a sweetheart and gentleman. I really appreciate the fact that he wants to take things slow, to enjoy getting to know each other as a couple rather than just as friends. I feel like this could be something really special and I don't want to screw it up.
It's already tomorrow. I didn't realise how late it's gotten. I'd better go otherwise I'll never be up for lectures tomorrow. Don't know I'll be able to sleep though, I'm too happy!
Jess
25th March 2004
Dear Diary,
I love how Sam can treat me like a princess on dates and also still be my best friend at the same time. We still study and hang out together just like always and it's great. Even though I wish he wouldn't find it so entertaining to throw paper airplanes at me when I'm trying to study and he's already done.
He was over at mine this afternoon after his seminar to study. I've got lessons to plan and he's got an essay to write. We managed a good couple of hours before we gave up and just camped out on the couch, with some chips and watched some reruns of The Simpsons on the TV. It was really nice.
I can't believe how lucky I am, that a simple afternoon of studying and watching TV with Sam can make me so happy! Looking forward to more afternoons like this!
Jess
27th March 2004
Dear Diary,
Sam kissed me tonight before he said goodnight. I don't know what to do with myself; I can't sit still! I keep replaying it in my head, pinching myself to make sure I didn't dream it! He's such a good kisser! OK Jess, calm, collected. You are a twenty year old woman, not a thirteen year old girl. Get a grip!
We'd just got back from the debating society formal where we'd talked and laughed and danced and had lots of fun. We got to the front of my building and I turned to say goodbye, just like always, when Sam stepped a bit closer, enveloping one of my hands in his, bringing his right up to brush my cheek. I'm sure I was blushing by then; my heart was pounding in my chest, I know that for sure, breath catching. He whispered my name, like a question, his gorgeous eyes flicking from my own gaze to my mouth. I squeezed his hand, pulling him a little closer, wanting him to know that I was more than ok with the way things were going. He closed the gap between us completely then, his hand sliding to my back as he pressed his lips to mine. It was soft, lingering, chaste, but it sent shivers coursing through me all the same. He tasted like the beer he'd been drinking and something just Sam.
He smiled down at me once he'd pulled back, dimples shining, eyes blazing, his nose brushing mine. I couldn't help but smile back as he slid his hand up into my hair and cradled my head as he leant in and kissed me again. I fisted my hands in his shirt, not sure that my legs would hold me for much longer if he carried on this way. I don't know how long we would have lingered on the doorstep, but Lotta's wolf-whistling as she practically hung out of our third floor window made us spring apart, Sam blushing crimson before laughing at Lotta throwing screwed up balls of paper at us. He took a long look at me, smiling, before saying a soft goodnight and that he'd see me tomorrow before walking off into the night, sending a sardonic wave to Lotta as he went.
I'll make sure Lotta pays for that; I'm never going to shut up about Sam ever again, no matter how much she threatens or begs! It would serve her right. But interruption aside, I couldn't have asked for a better night.
Happy dreams for me tonight I'm sure.
Jess
2nd April 2004
Dear Diary,
I'm 100% sure these kind of memories are not the ones Mom wanted to me to write in here, not the experiences she wanted me to go through, but it happened and if I only record the good things then this journal's only a half-picture, right? And I think getting it down on paper might help me deal with it, I don't know.
I really don't know what to say; I'm still really shaken up. Sam's made me some cocoa, cleaned up my cuts and hasn't left my side, keeping me safe, but I think it's going to take me a while to brush this off. I'll be fine though, I know I will, thanks to Sam; I dread to think what might have… No, I'm not going to think about that. I'm fine; Sam saved me. He's my hero! But now I'm more curious than ever about his past; where did he learn to do that?! It wasn't someone lashing out, all desperate-like; he knew what he was doing, he's been trained. It's like he's a spy, or a super-hero…my very own Clark Kent or Bruce Wayne. I want nothing more than to ask, to know more about my boyfriend and his past. But I know Sam, and I know better than to ask. I'm just glad he was there and knew what to do.
Sam and I were planning on meeting at his to get some studying done before just hanging out together. I was running a little late, but I'd phoned Sam to let him know I was leaving and that I'd see him in 15. It was getting dark, but not enough for Sam to object to me walking over on my own. It was only maybe five minutes since I'd left mine when I started to feel like someone was watching me, following me. I stopped and looked around, taking my earphones out just in case, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. I decided I was being paranoid, but I just wanted to get to Sam's, to make the prickling on the back of my neck go away. I was only around the corner from Sam's when someone grabbed me from behind, hand over my mouth and dragged me into the alley.
The panic, I can't even begin to describe it. I just, I didn't know what to do. I mean, they tell you to fight, to make as much noise as you can to draw attention to what's going on, to throw your valuables away from you since anything you have can be replaced, just keep yourself safe. Knowing all these things is all well and good in theory, but I just froze, my mind blanked, just fear and 'Sam!' running through my head. It's stupid but my first thought was how mad Sam was going to be when he found out; he's never liked me walking on my own, I can only assume he was worried about something like this happening…
Once my brain had caught up with what was going on, I started to fight, to scream, to try to get away, but the guy had me pinned, face to the wall, crowding up behind me. I bucked and kicked; I didn't even feel my cheek grating, skin tearing, on the dirty brick. I was trapped, and all I wanted was to be far away from this guy, wanted to be snuggled up safe and sound on the couch with Sam. I fought as hard as I could until the guy pulled out a knife; it was only small, but sharp and shining in the dark of the alley. I feel so useless, so weak, but I stopped fighting, stopped screaming; I just wanted to get out of there alive.
I begged the guy to let me go, to take my bag, my wallet, my cell, anything, just to let me go. He just laughed at that, saying that wasn't what he wanted, knife at my neck, brushing the hair off my face. Sam does that; he laughs at me when my hair gets everywhere, saying I've got far too much of it for my own good, but I know he loves it really. He likes to run his fingers through it absently when we're studying or watching TV or just curled up together; I don't think he realises he does it half the time… But anyway, the fact that this guy was doing something that Sam does scared me even more than the knife, made me sick to my stomach. The knife felt cold on my skin, I remember that much. I tried to hold still, held my breath as he leaned in close, too close. I screwed my eyes shut so I wouldn't have to see him, what was happening; I know it was cowardly but I just wanted to pretend it wasn't real. Wanted to be with Sam and forget this ever happened. I can still feel the knife, the brush of his stubble against my neck as he whispered obscene things in my ear as he petted my hair. It makes me shiver to think of it.
I know I was crying by this point; I wanted to be stronger but I was so scared. Then the next thing I knew was the guy was gone, his weight pressing me against the wall suddenly vanished. I spun around at that, leaning against the brick, world tilting around me as I pulled in as much air as I could. It took me a moment to realise what had happened. It was Sam! I don't why he was there; maybe he'd gotten worried that I was late and had come looking for me, I don't know. Sam had wrenched the guy off me, shoving him away from me and into the garbage pile on the opposite side of the alley. He turned to me then, eyes full of fear and worry as he reached out to clutch my shoulders, bracing me against the wall, asking me if I was ok, eyes frantically scanning me for injury.
The anger in his eyes scared me a bit as he noticed the graze on my cheek and the thin cut on my neck. But then the guy was on his feet again, clearly furious at being interrupted and body-checked by Sam. He swung out at Sam but Sam was quick to dodge the blow, and began fighting back like he was born to it. Every move was calculated, efficient; Sam avoided almost every hit, landing numerous punches and kicks of his own, until the guy was down, out cold. I know I must have looked like a fish, gaping at Sam the way I was, but I couldn't believe it! Sam's the kindest, gentlest person I know, and, sure, I know he can get passionate about things, and kind of intense sometimes, but this was nothing I've seen before. The fury in his eyes, his body vibrating with it, using the power of every inch of his frame...he was like a completely different person. But then to see all that just fall off him as he returned to me, pulling me close, burying his face in my hair, it was incredible. I could feel him trembling; I was shaking too. I knew I probably should feel scared since Sam was essentially trapping me all over again, but it couldn't be more different. I felt safe, protected. I fisted my hands in the back of his jacket, clinging on for dear life, drowning myself in the feel of Sam and his caring words which he murmured into my skin.
I don't remember much about the short walk back to Sam's. I just tucked myself into his side, eyes on the sidewalk, focusing on his arm around my shoulders and his heartbeat under my palm. He settled me onto the couch, got the first kit and cleaned me up. He called the local police and reported the incident; I think we have to go down to the precinct in the morning to give our statements. I want them to catch this guy so he doesn't attack anyone else but I just want to forget it ever happened. I'm ok, just a couple of scrapes, I just want things to be back to normal.
Sam hasn't let me out of his sight since, keeping me close, wrapping me up in his arms, soothing me. Part of me feels like I should feel smothered, but I can't deny I like it. Being here, now, curled up in his arms, I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be, anywhere I would feel safer. And I kind of think having me close is helping Sam too; I've never seen him as lost and scared as he was when we got back here and he'd bolted the door behind us.
Things could have gone so differently tonight. I owe Sam my life. I don't deserve him. He was so brave. What use was I?! Sam told me not to think that way, but I can't help it. But I'm going to be fine; we're going to be fine.
I'm nervous about going to sleep; I can still hear him, feel him, smell him, but I know Sam's here and he will stand guard and chase away any nightmares. I trust him, more than I can say.
Jess
9th April 2004
Dear Diary,
Last week's incident is finally all done with; the guy has been caught, thank goodness. Sam was a bit jumpy when we went down to the precinct, which didn't make sense to me. He hadn't done anything wrong, and Sam's the last person I would ever think would be in trouble with the cops; he's as law-abiding as they come! I must admit I've been a bit reluctant to leave the house after that night, but Sam coaxed me into it, dragging me on pointless errands, just to get me out and about. He was always with me, holding my hand tightly, chatting away to keep me from worrying. I'm all good now. Still a bit more wary and not so comfortable being out on my own yet, but I'm not going to let this get in the way of enjoying Stanford and spending time with Sam. I'm young, I've got an amazing boyfriend, and I'm going to enjoy life, not be scared, waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I don't think I could have made that decision though without Sam's encouragement and support; I don't what I'd do without him.
It's the Easter fun-fair tomorrow. I'm going with Sam, although it did require a certain level of bribery! Who doesn't like carnivals?! Can't wait!
Jess
10th April 2004
Dear Diary,
Ok, so now I know why Sam wasn't too keen on the whole carnival idea. Turns out he's got this phobia of clowns. It seems pretty bad. When we got there and one of the workers, dressed as a clown I might add, approached us to stamp our ticket, Sam full-on flinched and slid himself behind me. I teased him about it at first, but as the morning went on I could see from his reactions it wasn't just a silly, childhood fear, but a proper phobia. I could tell he was trying to hide it from me, like he didn't want me to know or to spoil the day, but I've gotten pretty good at reading Sam and I knew he was feeling uncomfortable. I'd have been exactly the same if it was something to do with mice; I hate those damn things! They give me the creeps, make my skin crawl. It's not my fault - my cousin put his pet mouse into my bed whilst I was sleeping when I was six. I woke up to it crawling all over me, its horrible feet scratching at me, just…eurgh! I've never quite forgiven James for that.
Sam tried to deny it when I confronted him about his fear, but when I shared my mouse-phobia with him he relented and told me he 'really really really doesn't like clowns'. Understatement, I think! I dragged Sam out of the stall section of the enclosure, to the quieter end where we bought some cotton candy. He was much happier when it was just us, no clowns wandering around. We people-watched for a while before going on a few of the rides (the non-clown related ones – I made sure) and we also avoided the 'Mouse Trap' one, thank you very much!
Despite having to avoid childhood traumas it was a good day. We met up with Becky and gang mid-afternoon and we had a blast on the water-gun game, although I think we were more soaked than the targets! Before we left Sam and I got our faces painted. I used to get it done every summer when I was a kid but from what I could gather Sam hadn't ever had it done. Who goes through childhood without having their face painted at least once?! We didn't get full-on masks painted on, just a pattern on our cheek. I got some intertwined flowers running down from my temple, curling down across my cheek towards my chin. Sam got this cool, psychedelic pattern painted across the left half of his face. It was so fun! Sam's such a child though; he didn't want to wash it off and I didn't have the heart to tell him to. So here we are -I'm staying over at his, we're cuddled up on the sofa watching some action movie, both of us with our face-paint still on! And I'll bet you any money Sam will still have his on in the morning!
Jess
16th April 2004
Dear Diary,
Lotta's opening night! She was so nervous beforehand and when Lotta gets nervous she gets loud (yes, louder!). I think she may have OD'ed on sugar though thanks to all the candy she was putting away as she was getting ready. I went to wish her luck backstage before curtain up; she was so excited. The play was amazing! And Lotta was awesome – Hollywood better watch out! Lotta just disappeared into her character; it was like she was a whole new person. I mean, I've seen her practising, running lines with her and everything, but seeing her in costume, with the lights and set and everything, it was incredible! She's so talented! Sam, Nicolai and I gave her a standing ovation (and the rest of the cast of course!) at the end. I think Nicolai might have teared up a little bit, being so proud of his sister and all, but he just said the stage-smoke had gotten in his eye. I don't believe him!
Me and Sam stayed for the after-party for a bit, congratulating Lotta, but we decided to head back when the cast went out into Palo Alto to celebrate some more. We stopped for some frozen yogurt on the way back which was nice. Sam was going to stay over at mine since Lotta's out for the night, and then away for the next couple of weeks touring the production, but he's got some work to finish for tomorrow so he couldn't. As always, he walked me back and kissed me goodnight on the doorstep, waiting until I was safe inside before leaving.
OK, enough is enough. I've been trying not to think about this; I wasn't going to write about it, but, just the way he kissed tonight, the way he looked at me…
Lately it's all I can think about. I know it's so soon; I haven't known Sam for very long, but…I think, I love him. I've only known him for a few months but he's all I can think about. I just want to make him smile, support and encourage him through everything. I want to spend every waking moment with him. My breath catches when he looks at me, and my skin tingles every time he touches me. When he kisses me it's like he's all there is. My stomach feels tied up in knots whenever I think of him, and I still blush whenever someone talks to me about him. I can't get him out of my head and my heart feels twice as big as it should, like Sam has set up camp there and has no intention of leaving. Not that I would ever want him to…
I've never felt like this before. I've found guys attractive in the past, really liked them and cared about them, but nothing's ever felt like this. Like Sam put the sun, moon and stars in the sky. Like I can trust him with my life and my heart. Like I would curl up and die if he wasn't in my life. And like he's the most important person in the world and I'd do anything to make him happy, just as I know he'd do the same for me.
It seems ridiculous to me; our relationship is still so new, but I know how I feel. I can't keep the goofy smile of my face even as I write this! I love Sam. With all I am. I think I'm going to keep it to myself for a while though, even though I might burst! I don't know how he feels and I don't want to freak him out by telling him just yet. I'm kind of freaking myself out if I'm honest!
I'd better stop writing before I cross every cliché bridge and die of shame!
Night!
Jess
23rd April 2004
Dear Diary,
I don't know what to say. I think I've ruined everything. Why do I do this? I push and I push, and I think this time I've pushed him away. I don't know what to do. It was our first real argument. I was only trying to help. But he told me to leave. I know he'd never hurt me, but the way he held himself, the way he yelled, crowded me… He scared me, so I left.
I was round at his; we were studying. He seemed a bit down, like he was preoccupied or upset about something. I asked him why but he brushed it off, saying it was nothing. I didn't believe him but I let it go. After a few hours I thought it was time for a snack break but Sam didn't have much in so I ran down to the store on 5th to grab us some things. When I got back Sam was staring at a photo in his lap, phone clutched in his hand. He was shaking. He looked so young and small, almost fragile.
All I wanted to do was hug him, make everything ok, but as soon as he heard me he pushed the picture and phone away, claiming he was fine. I tried to make him talk about it. I didn't see the photo but I'm 99% sure it was someone from his family. I don't even know if they're alive, if they're ok, where they are, if Sam fell out with them. Nothing. But I know he doesn't like talking about them, and I've respected that, but today I just snapped. Seeing him so upset, keeping everything bottled inside, it's hurting him; he needs to talk about them, about whatever happened between them. I'm so close to my parents; I can't imagine not talking to them regularly. I wanted to help him, to get him to open up. But as soon as I started asking, pushing, Sam lashed out. I tried to argue my point of view, but Sam's not top of his class for no reason; he tore all my words down like they were nothing. That hurt. But it hurts more that I upset him, that I left him angry and hurting. I'm so ashamed of myself for that.
I just hope we can fix this, that I can fix this. I love him. I don't know what to do. I need to apologise, but I feel like I need to give him some time. I don't want to hurt him anymore.
I'm so sorry, Sam.
Jess
Thanks for reading - next part coming soon.
Reviews are greatly appreciated :)