24th April – 1st June 2004

24th April 2004

Dear Diary,

I just read my last entry. I would say it was slightly over-dramatic but I meant every word. Thinking I'd lost Sam for good showed me just how much he means to me, how much I love him. And I think maybe we're stronger because of it. Mom always said that when we care for someone we give them the chance to hurt us more than anyone else ever could, trusting that they will never use that power; I never quite understood that, but it's true. Sam's words and actions hurt me so much, simply because he means so much to me. And I know now just how much my pushing him to talk about his family, especially when I know how sensitive a subject it is, hurt him. And for that, and for leaving him like I did, even though he asked me to, I'll always be sorry. But like I said, I think we're stronger than ever.

Sam came round late last night. I wasn't sleeping; I couldn't. My phone rang and I thought about not answering in case he wanted to yell at me some more, but I couldn't just ignore him. His voice was muffled on the phone, choked up like he had a cold or something, and he asked if he could come up; he hadn't wanted to scare me by knocking so late. I let him up, ignoring what a mess the place was, what a mess I was; if we could work this out then I'd do anything.

His knock was tentative; when I cracked open the door he looked worse than when I'd left him. With his spitting anger gone, he looked like a broken shell. Opening the door properly to let him in, I started to apologise, wanting him to know how desperately sorry I was for causing him pain like I had, but he wouldn't let me. He told me it wasn't my fault, he knew that I was only trying to help and that I had nothing to be sorry for. He said he was the one who should apologise; he shouldn't have lashed out like he did, but everything was getting too much. I could see how heartbroken he was, not because I'd hurt him, but because he thought he'd hurt me. I hugged him, hoping he would understand that there was nothing to forgive, and as long as he could forgive me, then we'd be ok. We'll always be ok. He squeezed me back so tight I couldn't breathe, like he was clinging on for dear life. We were both crying by the time we pulled back.

He sat me down on the couch, earnest as ever. He pulled something out of his back pocket to show me. It was a photo of his mom and dad; they looked so happy. I told him he didn't have to do this for me, but he said he wanted to, he needed to. John, that's his dad, looks nice, and now I know where Sam gets his dimples from! His mom, Mary, is so beautiful, blonde hair, sparkling eyes, and she looked so in love with John. It's so sad; Sam told me that he never knew Mary; she died when he was a baby, and he doesn't think his dad ever got over it. He didn't say what happened; I didn't ask.

He also has an older brother, Dean, but he wasn't in the picture. Sam misses them but things happened, he said, and this is the way it is now. The way he talks about his family, his brother especially… It's so clear how much he loves them and misses them, but he's angry at them too. I just wish I could understand why. He said there are a lot of things he can't tell me, that he's not able to talk about, but he wanted to be able to share just a little bit with me. To say I'm honored doesn't even begin to cover it. He didn't tell me what it was about yesterday that brought everything to the surface, I'll probably never know, but even so, I can't even begin to put into words how much Sam sharing this stuff with me means to me, the trust he was placing in me, how difficult it must have been for him.

Sam stayed over. We spent the night cuddled up on the couch, not talking, just taking comfort in the fact that we were both still there, together, and we'd be ok. I must have fallen asleep at some point, Sam's hand stroking my hair too relaxing to fight.

Sam's gone out to fetch breakfast for us and then we're going out to the lake later, away from the hustle and bustle of campus. It'll be nice. Just Sam and me and the peaceful quiet. We're going to be fine. I still can't believe how much he shared last night. He's placed so much trust in me. It's kind of overwhelming, but I will never break that trust; he's too important to me. I just hope that one day Sam and his dad and his brother will reconcile.

Jess

28th April 2004

Dear Diary,

We spent most of today round at Becky's. She decided that we've all been working so hard recently that we needed some kick-back time. So she dragged every cushion she could find into her living room, bought practically every junk food package in the state, rented about a million trashy movies, and invited us all over for a chill-out night. It was great to hang out with everyone, even though I spent most of the time curled up with Sam.

The highlight of the whole thing though had to be me and Becky getting Sam back for his popcorn prank a few weeks ago. Revenge is best served cold, right!? Sam fell asleep during Top Gun so we took our chance and graffiti-ed all over him. You should have seen his face when he'd realised what we'd done – drawn-on glasses, comedy moustache, Harry Potter scar, tie tack toe and hangman games all down his arms, but my personal favorite: 'The Winchester Wonder!' scrawled across his forehead in permanent marker!

He's pretending to ignore me and that he's cross with me, beanie pulled low over his eyebrows to hide the nickname his friends from the debating team gave him. I keep catching him smiling at me though when he thinks I'm not looking. I can't decide if it's just because he had fun tonight despite being drawn on or whether I need to prepare myself for his counter-move!

What have I started…?!

Well, in fairness, it was Sam who started it; I plead innocence!

Jess

1st May 2004

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it. Sam said… I can't stop smiling! I need to jump around my room again, one second…

Ok, now that that's out of my system, and Lotta's thrown her pillow at my head…When Sam walked me back and said goodnight, he… Sam loves me! He. Loves. Me.! My insides haven't stopped somersaulting! I've been hoping, dreaming, for days, weeks, that he felt the same, that I wasn't on my own in loving him, and I'm not! He told me he loves me!

I was round at his putting together the medium-term plan for the children's next semester and recording and updating their progress sheets whilst Sam was doing some reading and research. Well, he was meant to be, but it seemed he was watching me study more than doing any himself. He just smiled and shook his head when I called him on it, telling me I was imagining things. When we were all done, he walked me back to mine. After he'd kissed me goodnight and I turned to unlock the door, Sam tugged me back, his hand not letting go of mine. He was gazing at me like he had been all night, like I was the only thing in his world.

I turned to face him properly, sliding my fingers in between his as he held my hand. He reached up and brushed a piece of hair away from my face, tucking it behind my ear. Just the way he was looking at me melted my heart, and I pushed myself up on my tiptoes to meet his height and kissed him again. I started to pull back but Sam's gentle hand on the back of my head kept our foreheads pressed together, his breath tickling my face as his hazel eyes drunk me in. I was so close to swooning like something out of an Austen novel, I swear! But then he said it. Eyes gazing into mine, not even an inch between us, the soft wind brushing his bangs across his forehead as he spoke, his voice so quiet yet so tender. He told me he loved me. That he couldn't believe I was with him and what did he do to deserve me? He said I didn't have to say anything back, he just couldn't keep it bottled up inside anymore. Like I didn't know that exact feeling!?

I closed my eyes as I soaked in the moment, letting his words wash through me, before reaching up to caress his face. I was shaking; I'm not sure whether it was because of his words or because I was finally going to tell him how I felt. But after taking a deep breath I told him I loved him too and that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. He looked so vulnerable then, so open, so young. I wonder if he's ever been in love before, or if this felt as new and scary and wonderful to him as it does to me. He pulled me close then, hugging me for all I was worth, before kissing me within an inch of my life. I'm not quite sure how I managed to climb the stairs to my room since my legs still feel like spaghetti!

Usually when I look out the window I see Sam walking away, hands in his pockets, on his way across the quad, back to his. But tonight, he was still standing outside, smiling up at me. He gave me a wave, which I returned, before turning and making his way home. Not that I counted or anything, but he looked back a total of 8 times before he was out of sight. He's the best boyfriend I could ever wish for; he cares for me so much, it's unreal.

And I can say it all I want now – I love him! I love him! I love him!

Jess

2nd May 2004

Dear Diary,

Sam's birthday today! Me, Becky, Eli, Nicolai and Lotta have been working hard to organize a surprise party for Sam. We thought it'd be fun to do an old-school party for him, like a party you'd throw for a 10 year old! We got jello and ice cream, a piñata, balloons, streamers, party poppers, hot-potato and musical chairs. Not sure how he managed it but Nicolai managed to beg, steal or borrow a moon-bounce which we set up in the deserted corner of the quad (after getting permission of course!). Some things are fun no matter how old you are! Like Disney, or candy. And moon-bounces are one of them! I was on Sam-watch duty so I took him out for brunch whilst the others got everything set up. I gave him his gifts: a new law book he's been pining over but couldn't afford (Lotta and I clubbed together for that one), a smart shirt and two tickets for us to go to see the new exhibition at the Palo Alto museum. He's so excited to go to the exhibition; he practically jumped out of his chair to hug and thank me!

I pretended that I'd left something back at mine and so would he mind if we went to collect it before going round to his? His face when we rounded the corner and everyone yelled 'Surprise!' was priceless and so heart-warming to see. He couldn't believe it! His eyes were so wide, taking in all the decoration and bunting and food and all his friends. I think we over-whelmed him a little bit! But he dove into the food and games and everyone had an awesome time! Even if I did end up with more ice cream and jello on my face and down my top, instead of in my mouth, thanks to Sam and his stupidly long and out-of-control limbs! I don't think Sam stopped smiling the whole afternoon, and the way he whispered thank you into my neck as he hugged me close makes me think the party meant more to him than any of us would ever truly understand.

It's been a great day! I think Sam's dimples will be permanently etched into his cheeks after all his laughing and smiling! We're going out for drinks soon. Sam's getting ready in the new shirt I bought for him. He looks gorgeous in it, so it wasn't such an entirely altruistic gift. What can I say?!

Happy Birthday Sam!

Jess

12th May 2004

Dear Diary,

Sam's just phoned between lectures, said we have to talk. He sounded serious. I'm going to meet him after he finishes classes for today. I'm scaring myself thinking about what he wants to talk about. Pappy always tells me not to borrow worry, but I can't help it. What if something's wrong? What if his dad or brother is sick? What if he's had bad news from the college? What if it's about us? What if…I don't even want to write it…but, what if he doesn't want me to be his girlfriend anymore? I couldn't stand that. It's been so amazing; we're great together. He…

OK, I'm going to go, do something productive, distract myself before my stupid brain freaks me out anymore. I've got a sketch to finish so hopefully that'll stop me worrying for a little while…

Jess

12th May 2004 (again!)

Dear Diary,

OK, so I'm paranoid! But it wasn't my fault, Sam did sound so serious on the phone. He told me it was only because he wasn't meant to be on the phone and was trying to be quiet and go unnoticed. I asked him why he couldn't have waited to ring me til he could talk properly, but he said the idea had been running through his head so much he just couldn't wait anymore to ask me…

He asked me to move in with him! His tenancy runs out at the end of the year and he knows that I'll need to find somewhere for next semester since I can't stay in halls next year. I had thought I would maybe live with Lotta or maybe Olivia and Beth; I'd never considered living with Sam. I told him I'd think about it; I didn't want to rush into anything, because I don't want to ruin what we have. Part of me thinks it might be too soon, I mean, we've only known each other for a few months. But on the other hand, we get on so well, and I really like him. Really really like him.

We spend most of our time together at each other's now anyway. It wouldn't be all that different… And it makes sense financially; neither of us can afford our own place.

The more I think about it, I think I'm going to say yes. It feels right. I keep thinking about silly little domestic things, like doing the washing up together, me washing, Sam drying, and it makes me smile.

I'm going to live with Sam after the summer!

Jess

20th May 2004

Dear Diary,

We found it! A perfect home! It's nothing special, kind of pokey to be honest and shabby round the edges, but it's going to be ours, mine and Sam's! I'm so excited!

Sam was squeezing my hand so tight when we were looking round, and you should have seen his face when I agreed that it was just perfect for us. It's not too expensive, close enough to both our departments and it has the basics but with enough freedom to make it our own. I admit I've started interior designing in my head - nothing fancy, we're on a shoe-string budget after all - but I can't wait to move in with Sam and get settled.

Despite being on the smaller side there's enough space for my canvases if I don't have too many on the go at once! And there are lot of nooks and crannies to store things so all my planning files and Sam's law books will have somewhere to live. There's a small kitchen which seems to work just fine. I'm getting excited thinking about all the family recipes I can rustle up in there. And maybe Sam and I can create some Winchester-Moore specialities over the next few years!

Off to celebrate with Sam,

Jess

1st June 2004

Dear Diary,

I've only been home a couple of days and I'm already itching to get back to Stanford. I'm enjoying spending time with Mom and Dad and my friends from home but not having Sam here is putting a dampener on things. I wish I was with him! But we agreed, or Sam insisted I should say, that I would spend some time at home before we move in together. I wanted to spend all summer with him, but he pointed out how much I have been missing my parents and how much I love being home, and that he wanted me to come. I invited him to come too but he said no, he didn't want to encroach on my family time. I told him he was being silly, but he wouldn't budge. He's got a stubborn streak a mile wide!

Mom's been helping me with organizing some things for our apartment and Dad's been explaining all the utility stuff to me. It sounds more complicated than I would think it needs to be, but I'm trying to get my head around everything; I want our new home to be perfect!

Counting down the days until I'm back in Stanford, and Sam and I move into our new place!

Jess

AN: Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed - reviews are very much appreciated :)