AN: Thank you for your patience in my irregular updating of this story! I'm glad that people are still enjoying it :)

This entry might read a little funny since Jess refers to photographs from her and Sam's summer trip which obviously we can't see. I hope it still makes sense though, and that you can imagine the pictures from her descriptions or stories... (Please excuse the excessive page breaks; I wanted to make each new picture entry clear.)

I broke my own heart a little, writing the 6th September entry...those boys really know how to pull on the heartstrings...!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this update. It's getting more and more bittersweet now the closer we get to November 2005...

25th August 2005

Dear Diary,

And we're back! Well, we actually got back a few days ago but we were both exhausted from all the travelling so we've been sleeping. (And sorting out all the laundry, which I hate, with a passion!) It was amazing! We had the best summer ever! I think I say that every year, but I am sure that this year will go down in Moore history books as the one to beat! It was incredible. The scenery, the wildlife, the open road, the food, the people we met, but most of all, the company…spending every moment of every day with Sam was awesome! I mean, we spend the majority of time together anyway since we live together and all, but we have lectures and placement and everything so it's not 100%. But the past few weeks, it's been constant, and I loved it. Sure, we had our disagreements and I was this close to kicking Sam out of bed, (well makeshift blanket, nest thing), half the time because he's like a freakin' furnace! That's all well and good when it's cold in the winter and our heater's broken but middle of the summer in the desert…? Not so much!

Since we already had a truck and packed away all our stuff we just set out; no plan, just the open road. We could do what we wanted, when we wanted. It was scary but it felt like a proper adventure! I used Grammy and Pappy's birthday money to help fund the trip and I dug out some of my savings to add to Sam's meagre collection. Some nights we had to share a can of soup between us, but it was all part of the fun!

Sam didn't stop singing 'Summer Holiday' for practically the whole trip; he's such a dork! But he's my dork and I love him! It did get kind of annoying though; it was all the time – when we were driving, when we were cooking, hiking, climbing, swimming, just enjoying the sights. I do think he was trying to wind me up, but it was just too sweet. He even made up his own verses about us and our trip! Seeing his enthusiasm and interest in everything, wanting to go everywhere, see everything, learn new things, it all made me smile so hard. But, it was strange; it was as if he's never had a holiday before!

We spent most of the time on the road, visiting the National Parks (Yellowstone, Arches, Grand Teton, Rocky Mountains to name a few!), and we camped out most nights. We took turns in driving which was interesting to say the least; I've never driven a truck that big before and it took me a while to get used to the handling. Sam kept joking that he feared for his life every time I got behind the wheel, comically clutching at the door, tucking his stupidly long legs onto the seat, feigning terror, like he was clinging on for dear life. I tried to convince him he'd offended me but then he would lean across the gear shift and kiss me, and I just couldn't help but smile.

I suggested staying in motels but Sam didn't seem to like that idea, saying camping might be more fun. No idea what's wrong with motel rooms, although camping did give us more freedom and privacy surprisingly enough, and like I said, it felt like a proper adventure! We cooked on our little gas stove or open fire if it was safe enough. We made everything from melted marshmallows to jerky; Sam loved that, made him feel like a cowboy he said. Next town over I bought us both a cowboy hat each. Sam didn't seem so impressed but when we went to watch the local rodeo Sam wore it proudly, clapping and cheering with the rest of us!

What else did we do? We went skinny dipping in a dormant geyser, horse-riding (I won!), we did some dirt-track racing (Sam won that one), some caving (which freaked me out a bit but I'm glad I did it in the end). Oh, and we also got roped into doing some genuine line-dancing in a country bar with the locals; it was hilarious! Sam was tripping over his own and my feet, and I spilled a drink on some random stranger, but it was an amazing night! We laughed so hard Sam practically inhaled his drink and nearly threw up! They dressed us up in the traditional cowboy get-up as well. Not sure I looked all the great as a cowgirl, but Sam can sure pull off plaid! He needs to wear more of it. I told him so; he just rolled his eyes and twirled me around ready for the next section of the dance.

It was the best holiday I've ever had; we both had so much fun, and I feel like we're closer than ever! Looking forward to the new semester, even though we're both tired out before we even start! It's more than worth it though. We had the best time; I kind of didn't want to come back to reality!

Jess

I've added some of the photographs we took. Most of them are scenery. Sam's kind of camera shy unfortunately, but I was able to sneakily steal a couple of shots, or bribe him into letting me take his picture! I was too busy being behind the camera to be in that many, although Sam did manage to get his hands on it occasionally so there are a couple of me.

Here goes…

Ok, so this is me at the rodeo. I didn't know Sam took this, but I love it. Wish I could've snapped one of him as well…

I told Sam to delete this one, but it's kind of grown on me. We were at this bar having some food and Sam could not understand the waiter's accent. I couldn't either. I mean, I've heard some strong drawls in my time, but this was something else. Sam decided it would be funny to try and impersonate him, accent, mannerisms, everything; it was uncanny…and hilarious! As you can tell from my reaction – what can I say, Sam's a funny guy!

I can't remember where this one was actually. But the scenery was beautiful. I asked Sam if we could pull over, just to enjoy it for a while. We hadn't seen another car or person for hours; it was just us and miles and miles of wilderness. I felt like we were the only two people in the world. It was so peaceful and yet so humbling at the same time. It made me feel so small, so insignificant, which could've been a scary thought, if Sam wasn't right there with me, sliding behind me after he'd taken the picture of me, wrapping his arms around me, resting his chin on head. We just stood silently enjoying the view together, wind dancing around us. It was like something from a dream.

This was from the rodeo, in Cody I think it was. We almost didn't get in. We'd run the truck too low on gas and had to push it to the nearest gas station in town; it wasn't far but it took enough time for us to almost miss starting time. I remember we were running up the stairs, Sam dragging me along by the hand, wanting to be there before everything got started. He can be such a child at times, and I love that! Like everything is bright and new and exciting to him.

This is Grand Junction. We sat and ate our lunch right on that ledge there. This is where Sam explained to me, in between mouthfuls of his sandwich, why the rocks break away like they do, why the rock shatters in that pattern. Sam is always so full of random pieces of knowledge. He's like an encyclopaedia or something!

I love this picture. Simply because of the sky and how far you can see. This was Grand Junction again. Me and Sam bet our dessert (candy bar) on how far we thought we could see. Sam was the closest (we worked it out using our trusty, battered map), so he won the candy bar. He was super-sweet though and gave me half. Have I mentioned that I love my boyfriend?!

I forget the name of this place…something Fish, or Fisher's. I can't remember. I'll have to ask Sam later, he'll know. We climbed all the way up there. It was boiling hot and exhausting but so worth it. The view from the top was incredible and Sam and I joined in the well-founded tradition of carving our initials into one of the fallen stones and added it to the growing pile from other hikers. Maybe if we go back one day, we'll be able to find S.W. & J.M. 2005 again!

This is Dead Horse Point. It was scorching hot that day, and even with my hat and sun lotion on I was feeling it. Sam found me a shady spot and fed me his water since mine had run out. He told me stories about eskimos and avalanches and icicles, as if they would help me to cool down. I teased him for it but it kind of worked! He even used the map to fan me; I felt like a proper princess, or I would have, if I hadn't felt so sticky and dizzy! We had choc-ices that night which was nice.

This picture I will forever hate. If only I'd snapped a couple of seconds sooner, or Sam wasn't so speedy when he wants to be… Sam saw this hollow in the rock, right? And he thought it'd be a clever idea to see if he could fit into it. Yes, Sam, my boyfriend, giant in training, thought he could fold himself into this tiny little space! In all fairness to him, he very nearly succeeded, that is until he tried to get out again and found he'd wedged himself in. He was begging me to help him even as he couldn't breathe for laughing. I just knew I had to get a picture, but by the time I'd dug out the camera from Sam's back-pack he'd gotten free.

This is Jenny Lake in the Rocky Mountain National Park. We spent all day there; it was gorgeous. We went paddling and we skimmed rocks. Sam's some weird kind of pro. at that. His record was nine, to my measly three.

This little guy came to visit whilst we were having our lunch. There was another chipmunk on the tree behind us which we were busy watching silently. Sam turned around, to get the camera I think, when he spotted this little creature, sitting proud as you like on my back-pack. He was adorable and so small. Very friendly though. He'd stayed around for ten minutes or so, Sam throwing him crumbs from his sandwich. So cute!

This was sulphur and it stank! Seriously disgusting! Sam didn't like it either, saying something about how it smelt familiar. Can't imagine why it would be familiar, unless Sam's been cooking (and burning) some seriously rotten eggs recently!

What I love about National Parks is that nature is the most important thing; if there's an animal in the road, well that's that. The animal has right of way. We were stuck waiting for the buffalo to move for over half an hour; it really did not want to budge! People were getting annoyed which frustrated me; let the animal do what he wants, we're in his territory after all. I just found it amazing to be so close to such a creature. They're kind of magnificent, if smelly!

I nearly broke my neck (and my leg and my arm) clambering up this hill! We walked round the lagoon in the morning and it was stunning, all the colors shining. But Sam spotted the hill over the opposite side and said he betted it'd look even more amazing from up there. I agreed so we drove round, parked up, and began our hike. The bank was covered in felled trees and I was so glad for our walking boots, otherwise we really would've had a broken ankle by the time we reached the top. I had to grab onto Sam a couple of times to stay on my feet, returning the favor to Sam more than once as well. It was so worth it though. I think this picture might be my favorite of the whole trip. Even though the colors in the photo don't do the reality any justice by a long shot; it has to be seen to be believed! And me and Sam saw it; we spent all afternoon up there, avoiding the tourists down below, settled in our own little world, enjoying the amazing view.

Between all these rocks are these really cool, deep canyons. They take tours down there a few times a day. Me and Sam signed up for one and it was incredible! There's like a whole world down there that you would completely miss otherwise. It was amazing! It got a bit claustrophobic at times, but Sam was always there. He didn't even have to say anything, just a brush of his fingers on my arm and a soft touch to my lower back and I felt calmer. Sam got sun-burn that day. It was overcast and we were in and out of caves for most of the day, so Sam hadn't thought he'd need sun-lotion. Rookie mistake! The UV got through the clouds nonetheless and Sam got burned on his face, neck, and arms. He's been real grumpy about it, although he cheers up like no-one's business when I agree to rub in some 'after-sun' for him. If it weren't for the angry red of his skin I'd say he was playing it up to get sympathy. But I know from past experience though that sun-burn's no cake-walk, so I let him off for being snarky. Although I did make sure to remind him about the lotion every day after that – he started calling me the 'Sun-lotion police'. So I called him Rudolph, what with his adorable red-nose and all!

6th September 2005

Dear Diary,

Sam's on an all-day conference weekend to start off the new semester; the university brought in some high-profile professionals to come in to talk to the leading students in their respective fields and Sam was chosen, super-brain that he is! Proud girlfriend right here! Anyway, I should be filling in my pupils' profiles for this semester's school placement but I thought I'd make the most of Sam's absence and clean up this place a bit instead. Sam's great, helping out with keeping the place liveable (stray socks and t-shirts notwithstanding!), but this place really needed a good once-over with a duster, so I cranked up the stereo and that's what I've been doing all morning. Bopping to the radio makes cleaning much more fun! Sam laughed the first time he caught me having my own cleaning party, but it didn't take me too long to get the vacuum into his hands and have him joining in, singing along with me! He said something about it being nice to be with someone who understood that music didn't stop being good just because it was produced after 1980. I don't know why he said that…but I'm getting more than used to Sam's cryptic comments which slip out every once in a while. It was so funny to see Sam vacuum-dance like a pro. He seemed to enjoy this cleaning business a little too much! Makes me wonder why…

Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to say. When I was dusting round the living room I accidentally knocked over the stack of Sam's books. As I was tidying up, something fell out of one of them. I didn't mean to look; I was just going to slide it back in but it had writing on the back – My boys - Ohio 1996. It got me curious. I flipped over the creased and faded photograph. It was a lovely picture, two boys stood by a big, black car, mountains and trees in the background. Their clothes were patchy and didn't quite fit right, the older boy's even more so than the younger.

The younger looked familiar and when I looked closer I could see my Sam in every inch of that little boy. I've never seen any pictures of Sam when he was younger, which is totally unfair since Sam's seen far too many embarrassing old photos of a tiny me. He was so cute! He hasn't changed that much at all. His adorable dimples, the amazing hair, his expressive eyes, cute nose, the little moles which I love. He could just eat him up!

I would guess that the other boy was his brother. He was leaning against the car, all swagger, leather jacket collar pulled up round his neck. grinning at the camera. Sam wasn't looking at the camera though; all his attention was on Dean, his wide smile shining up at his brother. He was clearly trying to copy Dean's pose, crossing his foot in front of the other leg as he leaned against the hood, arms folded across his chest. The adoration this younger version of Sam had for his brother was clear to see in the way he grinned up at his brother and in how he was trying so hard to imitate his idol. They were stood practically glued together, Sam's shoulder leaning in to Dean's side as he looked up at him, Dean slightly angled towards Sam, almost protective-like. They were obviously really close.

It makes me wonder what happened to pull Sam and his brother apart, why they don't even talk anymore, why Sam will barely even mention his name. To see how close they were, and now…it makes me sad. I've never had a brother or sister; I love my parents with all my heart and had a great childhood but if I had my way I would've had a sister to play with, laugh with, play pranks with, share secrets with. Seeing them both in this picture makes my heart break for Sam; I wish I knew what'd happened, that they could make whatever's between them right again. They are meant to be in each other's lives, that much is clear, and if I can see that through a single photograph then... I hope they can fix things and Sam can get his brother back. I wish I could meet Dean; first to thank him for clearly making Sam so happy when he was younger and then to slap him for being stupid and selfish enough to let Sam go and ignoring him all these years, for hurting him so badly.

I did briefly think about asking Sam about the photo, about putting it up like the one of his parents, but something tells me Sam wouldn't like it. This picture is much more worn, like Sam has folded and unfolded it countless times, like he's actually screwed it up and thrown it out at some point before regretting it and trying to flatten it out again. However complicated things are with his dad, I'm guessing things are even more so with his brother. From when Sam spoke about him so briefly that night, I can't quite figure out whether Sam misses him and wants him back in his life, whether he hates him and never wants to see him again, (Sam probably doesn't even know himself!) or whether it's something else entirely, something so complicated that I could never even hope to understand! Knowing Sam it's probably the last.

I've put the picture back where I found it, safe and sound.

I wonder where Dean is now, what he's doing, whether he misses his younger brother, the brother who hero-worshipped him all those years ago…

Jess

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this latest entry. Reviews are very much appreciated :) Next chapter hopefully coming soon! (Thank you again for your kind patience.)