AN: I am so so sorry that it has taken me so long to upload this final chapter. Thank you to all of you who are still following this story; I really appreciate all of your kind and supportive comments, and am truly grateful for your patience. Real life has most certainly been getting in the way, and this story has been quite a task to write, but I have enjoyed it (amongst all the pain and feels!). I've tried hard to drop in as many references to the Pilot and surrounding events as possible, so I hope that it feels believable. This last chapter was rather hard to write as it doesn't really have an 'ending' given the events of the Pilot (which Jess obviously wouldn't and couldn't have relayed them in her journal); I hope it works with the rest of the story.
Thank you so much for reading :) I hope you enjoy this final chapter. Reviews are very much appreciated.
28th October - 1st November 2005
28th October 2005
Dear Diary,
Nicolai's invited me and Sam out for drinks on the 3oth and we have to go. Lotta's away touring her latest production and Nicolai's all miserable so it's mine and Sam's job to cheer him up. Bar entry is only if you dress up though so I'm going to have my work cut out with trying to persuade Sam to get into the Hallowe'en spirit and join in. Wish me luck!
Becky said she'd lend me her nurse fancy dress to wear; I'm going round to pick it up later. I'll have to have a think about Sam's costume…medieval knight, or something? Can't you just see him in some chainmail and scabbard? Maybe, that's actually not such a bad idea. I might ask Becky if Zach's got anything Sam could borrow, otherwise I'll have to drop into the costume store and hope they haven't run out. I'll also probably have to think about what I can bribe him with to get Sam to wear his costume, mind… but Hallowe'en's no fun unless you eat too much candy and look ridiculous!
Jess
30th October 2005
Dear Diary,
Sam keeps telling me it's not a big deal, that I shouldn't get so excited about it, but I can't help myself. It is a big deal! It's amazing! He got his results today. 174! I can't believe it! I actually screamed when Sam opened his envelope and told me. I swear, Sam's a genius. A kind, amazing, super-cute, somewhat geeky genius! I'm so proud of him.
These past few weeks have been really tough on him. First revising like crazy for the darn exams and then waiting forever on the results. The waiting seemed to be really hard on him, especially towards the end. He's been having these nightmares, waking up in cold sweat and shaking like he's about to fly apart. He won't tell me what they're about. I think it's just the stress and worry. He always seems frantic to make sure I'm ok after he startles awake though; running his hands over my face, my arms, checking me over with wide eyes. Having me close seems to calm him down afterwards even though he can never seem to get back to sleep. I wish I could do more to help him with them, but he says me being there is all he needs. I keep telling him I'm not going anywhere, ever; he won't get rid of me that easy. That always seems to make him smile, even if it doesn't always reach his expressive eyes, and squeeze me a little tighter. I just hope that now he's found out he's done so well, he can stop feeling so on edge and worried and he won't have these dreams anymore, whatever they are.
I told him that meant he absolutely has to come out tonight, not because it's Halloween but to celebrate his success. He wasn't keen, but I promised him we wouldn't stay too late and then we could come back here and chill out with that movie he rented the other day, like proper party people. I'm getting all domestic in my old age!
Happy Hallowe'en Eve/Proud Girlfriend Day!
Jess
31st October 2005
Dear Diary,
Sam's gone. I don't even know where to. He just left with his brother, something about his dad being in trouble. I don't know. I wish I did; I'm so worried about him! I know how difficult his relationship with his dad and brother is, even if he won't talk about them and I don't understand why, but I know that whatever this is must be really hard for him. I just hope he's ok.
I woke up to voices coming from the living room; I recognised Sam's hushed tones but not the other. I couldn't make out what they were saying but Sam didn't sound happy so I quickly scrambled out of bed and went to investigate. I didn't even pull on my dressing gown, which it turns out was a mistake. The other voice belonged to Sam's brother. He's shorter than Sam, although Sam's really lanky so that doesn't mean anything; he doesn't really look that much like him either, but he did look kind of familiar... He made some sleazy comment about my top though; seems like a bit of a player, to be honest, so different from Sam in that respect. He said I was out of Sam's league, but I kind of think it's the other way around. I don't know whether the lines he was spouting work on girls normally, but it was kind of funny to see him trying. It's not like he thought he actually had a chance, no-one's that deluded; I'm thinking maybe he was just trying to wind Sam up. That's what siblings do; I mean, I've seen Nicolai and Lotta drive each other up the wall sometimes.
I was happy to meet him though, despite his remarks and Sam's clear misgivings; Dean is Sam's brother and anyone who is important to Sam is important to me. And I know that Dean is important to Sam, despite Sam's defensive reaction, because he wouldn't still be hurting from something that happened between them if Dean didn't mean so much to him in the first place. And I've seen the photo of them from when they were younger, and Sam hero-worshipped the guy. I just hope that this weekend will be the start of them all mending whatever went wrong between them.
I've decided to talk to Sam about it when he gets back, about building bridges with his brother. I didn't realise at the time, but I've been replaying the moment over and over in my head and I'm almost 99% sure that Dean was at Sam's presentation last year. I can't be certain but there's something about him that seems familiar and that's the only connection I can think of. And if Dean had travelled to come and see Sam's work, and he was so proud of him, that much was clear, then I kind of feel like they'll be ok; they just need to stop being so stubborn about the whole thing and actually talk about things. I never have understood the whole macho, not-talking thing; Sam doesn't have it so bad as most guys, but when it comes to family he's wound up so tight I doubt even he knows which way is up anymore. I just hope this trip with his brother and father won't be too hard for Sam. I've never seen him quite so riled or so, well, I would say distrustful, but that's not quite right. I don't know how to explain it. He seemed alright when he left, a bit on edge, but generally fine. I just hope he comes through this ok.
I wish I was with him; not that I think I'd be much help but just to know that he's alright and be there to support him through the 'family drama' as he put it. Dean seemed really worried about their dad, like everything he said was loaded with meaning I couldn't understand, and probably wasn't meant to anyway. I don't know Sam's dad, and there's no love lost between him and Sam from what I can tell, but I hope he's ok. I don't want Sam to lose his dad, especially when things aren't right between them. I can't think of anything worse, and I just know that it would eat away at Sam if that ever did happen, Heaven forbid, so I'm hoping and praying it won't. Sam tried to play it off but I could tell he was worried, and it was more than his dad just having too much fun with his friends at the cabin, or whatever Sam said. I get the impression that it would have to be something fairly serious for Dean to ask Sam for help so I don't think it's as simple as a family intervention or anything like that. I just wish Sam had explained more before he left, maybe I could've done something to help…
But, I know worrying isn't going to help, so I've been trying to distract myself. I tried to settle and work some more on my graphite drawing but I couldn't concentrate. So I started looking into things to do whilst we're at Beth's lodge over Christmas and that distracted me for a while. I'm getting super excited about our December trip! We could go ski-ing of course. Sam hasn't been ski-ing before; I haven't been for years, not since Aunt Maggie passed away, but I think I can still remember the basics so maybe I could be his very own personal instructor and show him the ropes. Or maybe he'd prefer snow-boarding? That'd be fun. Looking at the brochures and online there seems to be lots of other things we could do if we get bored of relaxing with spiced wine and mince pies in the log cabin in front of the fire(!) They do husky-dog rides, ice-cave tours, and apparently you can even go ice-fishing. It'll be as if we're in our own little North Pole, just me and Sam; our first Christmas of our very own. I can teach him a few Moore traditions (I can't wait to get him dancing around with wreaths and tinsel and paper-chains to Christmas music!) and maybe make some traditions of our own. If it's as nice as it looks and we both enjoy it, maybe we could make it a yearly thing! I'd like that.
Wish Sam would ring soon.
Jess
1st November 2005
Dear Diary,
I still haven't heard from Sam. I tried to phone earlier, just to see how he was doing but it was engaged. I'm so worried about him. I hope everything's going ok with him and his family. He -
Wait! Phone...!
It wasn't Sam. It was Brady. Apparently he's heard about Sam disappearing off. Not sure how since I've only spoken to Lotta since then and I don't think she'd have told; it's not like it's really news anyway - Sam's been out of town before for courses and workshops and things and it's not like I can't survive a couple of days without him. I'm only freaking out because of how his brother all of a sudden showed up and how Sam must be feeling about all of this. And the fact that he hasn't called; he always calls if he's away…
Brady wanted to see if I was ok. I said he didn't have to; Sam should be back soon. He told me it was no bother though, so he's coming round in a bit, said he's bringing food, which is kind of him. It'll be nice actually; I haven't really spoken much with him in the past few weeks. It'll be good to have a catch-up. I wonder how his LA swim gala went… I might ask him for advice on my swim training routine, now that I think about it; coach has changed my reps around a bit and I'm not sure it's working. Maybe Brady will have some ideas since he's got more experience than me…
Sam promised he'd be back for his interview tomorrow so he shouldn't be too long now. I hope he's doesn't get in too late; he needs to get a good night's sleep before the interview. He deserves this chance. He's going to ace it tomorrow though; the free-ride is his, I just know it, and he's going to be an amazing lawyer. My Sam, lawyer extraordinaire!
I'm going to go and make some 'Moore-chester' cookies to surprise Sam with when he gets back…
Jess
Thank you so much for reading and for sticking with this story. I sincerely hope you've enjoyed this story. Reviews are very much appreciated :)