After a ten-minute car ride, Zoro found himself in front of Luffy's "house". It was one of those eerie creaking messes in horror movies, ones that kids never came out of. Brook the landlord was settled into his favorite armchair, humming quietly; he had stayed past his bedtime waiting for them to come back. He was an old, thin man, with his skin so taut against his bones that he resembled a skeleton at a certain angle to the light. Then there was Chopper, a tiny puff of a medical student. He'd been studying for a test during their dinner, but made his way downstairs when he heard the commotion of them coming inside. Zoro was slightly hurt to notice him flinch after making eye contact, then sidle as far away as possible.

They sat themselves in the living room, filled with well-worn furniture that didn't really match each other, around a fireplace that was tightly fit with a metal grate and a childproof lock. Only Luffy sat on the floor, leaning against Zoro's legs. After Sanji whipped up some hot chocolate and passed them around, Usopp finally picked up with his interrupted story. "Alright, everyone comfy? Snug? Ready to plant some healthy fear into Luffy's boyfriend? Speaking of which, Zoro, which Monkey member should I start with? The scariest? The nicest? The most violent?"

Just get on with it," Zoro snapped, trying to hide his now-prickling nerves.

"Fine," Usopp said, a little miffed. "Then I'll just start at the beginning. See, my mom died when I was in high school. No seriously you guys, it was a long time ago, stop looking at me like that! So afterwards, I ended up in the foster home as Luffy, after Ace had just left, so we've been really close ever since. Thick as thieves!"

"Yeah!" Luffy grinned. "Plus we were good at stealing food from the kitchen!"

Usopp tried to shush him. "Luffy! Ix-nay on the ealing-stay."

"What eel? I've never eaten one before. Is it good?"

"Never mind. Anyway, a surprise found us one day, when Luffy wanted to explore a new shortcut to school, in the form of…BROOK!" Usopp made jazz hands in the old man's direction, who started laughing. "My first reaction was to get the hell away from the house with a "For Rent" sign and weird music coming out of it, but of course Luffy dragged us in, screaming "ADVENTURE!"

"Heaven knows why I hadn't gotten any visitors until then," Brook said in a deep, quavering voice.

Luffy nodded. "It's really a shame. This place is so cool! Did you know there are actual skeletons in the backyard?"

"Now, what would you- WHAT?!" Usopp looked ready to keel over the side of the couch.

Brook blinked twice. "Ah. Luffy-san must mean the pet cemeteries."

"THEN TELL ME THAT FIRST!" Usopp screamed, before clearing his throat. "Now, what would you think if I told you that a seventeen-year-old wanted to move into an old, creepy house, inhabited only by an old, creepy guy who offered him candy and invited him in to check out his dusty memorabilia?"

"Disgusting." Nami said.

"Pedophile." Zoro said.

"Plays the piano." Luffy received a halfhearted karate chop from Usopp.

"Oya oya, how harsh!" Brook laughed joyfully, like he had been inducted into the Hall of Fame.

"So I tried to convince Luffy otherwise, and it didn't work. Shanks and Makino tried bribing him with extra snacks. Didn't work either. Ace and Sabo tried to beat some sense into him. Didn't work, though the oven in Makino's place is now nonfunctional.

Anger flared inside of Zoro. Those didn't sound like very upstanding brothers to him. Usopp went on without noticing. "So finally, I think everybody gave up and decided to let Luffy have his way. But not before the entire Monkey Clan decided to descend upon this house and deem it safe and pedophile-free for their baby monkey."

"I still don't like that name," Luffy muttered.

"Too bad, Luffy. So the first guy to come was Garp."

Monkey D. Garp made his grand entrance by kicking the front door, greeting Brook with a toothy grin that could gnaw through steel. "So. You're the weird old man who's trying to get close to my grandson."

"Don't call Brook weird, Gramps! He's my friend!" Luffy yelled.

"I can say whatever I want about old weirdos," Garp yelled back.

"You're the old weirdo!"

"Why you…" He threw Luffy against the sofa, which sent it skidding back, before directing his full attention to Brook. "Well. You got anything to say for yourself?"

With impeding demise staring him in the eyes, Brook could only utter the first thing that came to mind: "May I see your panties?"

"…WHAAAAAAAAT?!"

"NO GRAMPS! DONT KILL BROOK!" Luffy attached himself to Garp's raised arm like an octopus. Garp tried to shake Luffy off, while Usopp used the distraction to half push, half drag Brook into the backyard, where he helped Brook escape by climbing over the fence.

"But shouldn't we help Luffy-san?"

"Just go go GO!"

"By the time we got back, half the furniture on the ground floor was broken and there was a fist-sized hole in the wall, which I had to cover." Usopp nodded toward a painting of a pretty blonde lady in a sundress. "Luffy came back at night, looking like he'd been pushed through a blender."

Luffy merely shrugged. "Just the usual crazy training by Gramps. He still thinks I'm gonna join the Marines."

"And you've never, you know, considered it? If nothing, then for your own safety?" Usopp asked.

"Haha, nope!" He was cheerfully unaware that next to him, Zoro was giving some serious kill-the-old-man vibes.

"Anyway," Usopp gulped, "Who's next?"

"Yohoho, how about Ace-san?" Brook suggested.

"Sure thing. You see, Zoro, Ace is a firefighter for this neighborhood. So a while after we fixed all that damage from that little, ahem, event with Garp, he stopped by to see if the house was safe for Luffy to live in."

Portgas D. Ace stood inside the foyer, assessing the whole space with a cursory glance, before he said, "Hey, Luffy! You and Usopp go play outside for a while, ok? I need to talk with Brook for a bit, then we can go out for burgers."

After Usopp and Luffy left with a cheer, Ace closed the door and got to business childproofing or, in his words, Luffy-proofing the house. "It's basically child-proofing, only more comprehensive. I just try to think of Luffy as a living Murphy's Law as I work," Ace explained to a nearby Brook as he fitted a lock around the fridge. "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Spectacularly."

He was the one to fit plastic covers over the outlets…

("If he's got anything metal in his hands, and he's wandering nearby, keep him away. I swear, he'll never learn his lesson, even after that toaster thing.")

Install a childproof netting over the fireplace…

("Did you know the fireplace back at Makino's was decorative only? Yeah. Neither did Luffy.")

Fix the broken door on the kitchen cabinet…

("Now this is just asking for Luffy to rip it off its hinges and use it to slide down the roof or something.")

And move all the potentially poisonous chemicals such as cleaning materials, insecticides, etc. into a container that says "Homework"…

("Probably the only thing he'll never touch.")

Usopp noticed that Chopper was drifting off to sleep against his armrest. "Chopper. You should probably go to bed now.

"Mhm. But," Chopper yawned.

"I'll take the big guy upstairs." Nami crouched and pulled a barely resisting Chopper into a piggyback. "I got to work early tomorrow, so I better go too."

After the two headed up, Usopp started to whisper, "I didn't want to say this in front of Chopper, but as Ace was leaving…"

"Ah, before I forget." Ace turned to Brook, looking a bit thoughtful. "You know, some people make the mistake of assuming that just because I'm a firefighter, I hate fires. Quite the opposite, really. I have a healthy amount of respect for them. And as part of my profession, I know VERY WELL how they start, what it takes to make them burn brightly and as cause as much collateral damage as possible."

Ace hooked his thumbs against his belt loops, leaning slightly forward. "Don't think that just because I spent all this time checking on the house, I care about it or anything. If you mess with my little brother…" He smirks. "I will burn this entire house to the ground, maybe even with you in it."

He clapped Brook on the shoulder. "Glad we had this talk. Luffy! Let's go."

"Yay, food! You coming, Usopp?"

"I think I just lost my appetite, thanks."

"You don't think he really would have done that, would he, Luffy-san?" Brook asked.

Luffy didn't answer at first. He seemed to be having an internal debate with himself. "Nope! Cuz he knows that Brook is my friend, so he won't. And even if Brook wasn't, Ace loves his job, so he wouldn't do anything to lose it!"

Brook's laugh had a slightly hysterical edge to it. "Well, I'm certainly glad that Ace-san has his priorities in order!"

"Yeah, yeah." Usopp massaged his forehead. "As for who's next, let's go with Dragon. At least he didn't actually make any threats."