Monkey D. Dragon arrived with a severe demeanor and a large box of chocolates.

"Yahoo! It's candy!" Luffy yanked the box over his head and raced for the dining table.

"Control yourself, Luffy," Dragon said. But he didn't make any further attempts to restrain his son.

Usopp sat quietly as Brook and Dragon begin exchanging small talk. Dragon eventually asked Usopp about how Luffy was doing in school, and he didn't seem to buy Usopp's storythat Luffy was the school president and the three-time national track champion. After Usopp ran out of steam, the conversation drifted to what Luffy was like as a child. Usopp found himself having a silent chocolate-eating contest against Luffy (surprise, guess who won) while Dragon inquired about Brook's past music career. At some point, Luffy got bored and left. The short conversation gave Usopp the chance to notice two things. First, Dragon seemed to be stuck with the same facial expression the entire time. Second, every time Brook attempted to learn any personal details about the man, he found the topic of conversation subtly directed back to himself.

After about half an hour, Dragon's phone buzzed onto the table. He excused himself to leave, citing business at the office, and Brook and Usopp saw him to the door. They headed outside to see Sabo, of all people, swinging Luffy around like a helicopter propeller. They were laughing and shrieking, and Usopp worried that if Sabo were to let go at that speed, Luffy would be catapulted across the street. Finally, Luffy returned to the ground and the two stumbled around like a couple of drunks before collapsing onto the soft grass.

"Ah, it's Dragon." Luffy attempted to wave.

"Luffy…" Sabo weakly bopped his shoulder. "You're supposed to call him Dad."

"But that sounds weird. Besides, Dragon's such a cool name."

Dragon huffed, his smirk almost imperceptible. Usopp tried to back away from the sudden attempt at facial expression, thoughts of serial killers running rampant in his mind.

"Wouldn't be the first timeyou came to that conclusion," Sanji cut in.

Usopp nodded weakly. "At least I have yet to be proven right."

"Just one thing. You expect me to believe that Luffy's father came by to talk about the weather, then just left?"

"Well, we did get to learn about Brook's past," Usopp said.

"Yeah, but this was back before you knew that Brook wasn't a creepy pedophile. No offense, Brook ("Yohoho, none taken!"). How could he just take Brook's words at face value? You're supposed to run a background check on these kinds of people."

"He already did." Luffy swiveled back and forth, trying to get comfortable. "Dragon's good at that kind of stuff. It's part of his job or something."

Usopp gaped. "Now that I think about it, you never told me what your dad does, Luffy." He'd assumed that Luffy hadn't even known in the first place.

"Didn't I? Probably cuz it didn't sound very fun. He's the boss of the…what was it. CBS? NBC?"

"Damn. Didn't know your dad worked so high up in the news industry," Sanji took a sip of his hot chocolate.

"Oh right! The NSA!"

Sanji projected an epic spit-take onto Brook's face. Without missing a beat, Brook pulled out a lacy handkerchief and starts to dab at himself.

Usopp deliberately walked across the room and lowered his hands onto Luffy's shoulders. He enunciated his next words carefully. "Luffy, buddy. I need you to think hard. I know your little brain has trouble remembering three letters at a time, but you need to tell me the right ones. The non-terrifying ones."

"But I did remember them correctly." Luffy huffed. "That's also why Sabo's so good at wire taps!"

"Wire taps?"

"Yeah! Dragon was only pretending to talk with Brook. He was actually distracting you guys so that Sabo could install them around the house."

That got everybody talking in a rush.

"Wh-wh-wh-WHAT?!"

"So they've been listening in on us the whole time?!"

"Oh my, so they've been listening to my recent compositions? I hope they weren't disappointed."

"Did he install them in the bathrooms too?!"

"Nah," Luffy said. "Dragon thought that would be rude to my friends."

"Right." Usopp wheezes from the floor. "Because it's polite to listen in on every other conversation in the house."

"Well, the way Sabo explained it, Dragon's a little like Santa."

"Santa," Usopp repeated dumbly.

"Yep. He's got a list of people, and he needs to find out who's naughty or nice. But don't worry." Luffy proudly held up a victory sign. "I took them all down. Sabo once taught me how to check any room for bugs. When I found the first one under my windowsill, I decided to check the rest of the house."

"So that's what happened!" Usopp thought back to the week after Dragon's visit, when Luffy scampered up and down the creaky wooden floors until midnight, proclaiming that he was "searching for stuff".

"Yeah, and I got them all, see?" Luffy scrolled and scrolled through his phone, finally holding it up to show a text conversation.

Luffy: Sabo! How dare you bug my house!

Sabo: Oops. Guess you found out :P What did you do with them?

Luffy: I threw them away, of course.

Sabo: What a waste. How many?

Luffy: 32. Why?

Sabo: Awesome, you found them all! As expected of my little brother ;) You know, if you're not busy after college, you should join the NSA with me. It'll be fun!

"So yeah. Sabo does stuff like that. He travels a lot too, though I'm not sure why. But whenever he comes to visit, he brings cool stuff."

"He's got good taste in wine, too," Sanji agreed reluctantly, before getting up. "Well, you shitheads, it's getting late, and I think I've had enough crazy for today. I'm off to bed."

They exchanged their goodnights as Sanji left. All except Usopp, who had a conflicted look on his face. "I was going to introduce the scariest Monkey first, but I don't think I started with the right people, if Dragon and Sabo are actually like that. I'm almost afraid about the remaining two."

"Why don't you talk about Shanks, then?" Luffy suggested.

A slow smile spread across Usopp's face. "Yeah. See, Zoro, Shanks is good friends with my dad. So sometimes we'll joke around that me being friends with Luffy was fated to be." Usopp suddenly twitched away from Zoro, who had been giving overprotective vibes all night. "But not like that! I mean, like platonic fate! Like he's my bro for life! You know, that kinda thing!"

Zoro just nodded. "I get that."

Usopp let out a sigh of relief. "So anyway, he and my dad are traveling salesmen. They stop by every so often to tell us stories about all the amazing places they travel to, all the sights they see. And sometimes we get to go with them. Just locally, though; we're not allowed to leave the state. Luffy's family thinks they're "irresponsible" or something. Just because Shanks is drunk like 30% of time; only 30%!"

Zoro gulped. He made a mental note to cut down on the alcohol when he was around Luffy's family.

"Shanks is amazing," Luffy agreed dreamily. "Once, when I was little, he took me to the zoo, and while we were there, an alligator escaped its cage and came after me. I was so scared, I couldn't move, and it was about to swallow me whole when Shanks scooped me away. But then the alligator bit his arm off! And he didn't even scream!"

"Now that's a man I have to meet," Zoro said in admiration. "No scary stories then?"

Usopp thought for a moment. "None that I can think of. Luffy?"

Luffy shook his head. "Shanks is super nice."

"Now that I think about it," Brook interrupted, "What happened to the alligator?"

"Oh, that. Shanks killed it!"

The room went silent, except for the soft thump when Brook dropped his teacup onto the carpet. He hurriedly stared in the direction of the stairs, waiting for a certain blonde neat freak to charge after him. Luffy lowered his voice, just in case. "After Shanks took me off to the side where it was safe, he went back and…" He tapped his elbow lightly against his thigh and made a popping sound, "broke its skull."

Zoro made a low whistle. "I'll have to spar with him too, when we meet."

Luffy leaned his head back to stare at Zoro. "Hey, hey! Before that, you should spar with me!"

"Really."

"Really! My punch is as powerful as a pistol!"

Zoro stared at him.

"Ok, so not that strong. But it's pretty strong, ok?"

Usopp interrupted the two, hands covering his face. "Let's just get this over with, before you two battle to the death. Though I can't tell you as much about Rayleigh."

Brook spoke up. "Rayleigh-san stopped by once to check on Luffy, while Usopp-kun was at the craft store." He leaned toward Zoro. "He lives close by, a couple streets away."

Usopp turned to Luffy. "Is Brook right, Luffy? He really was there to check on you, right?"

"Yep."

"Rayleigh! Are you gonna tell me a story?"

"Fufufu. I didn't really come here to swap stories, but fine." Rayleigh stroked his impressively trimmed chin. "How about the time the Captain and I wrestled a 12-foot boa constrictor?"

By the time he was finished, Luffy was asleep on the sofa with a satisfied grin, drool hanging off his mouth. Rayleigh stood up to go.

"Uh, Rayleigh-san?" Brook spoke up from his hiding place behind the kitchen counter.

Rayleigh glanced at the gaunt old man and smiled. "Were you expecting an interrogation, perhaps? Don't worry, I trust Luffy-kun's judgment. I just came by to see if he was happy. "

As Rayleigh put on his coat, Brook noticed vaguely that there was a fly buzzing around the house. He tried to remember which cabinet the bug spray was in, when Rayleigh swished a tissue in the air and the fly disappeared behind it. "Where's your trash can, Brook-san?"

"Over here." Brook couldn't stop gawking. "Your reflexes are quite impressive, Rayleigh-san."

Rayleigh chuckled deeply. "What, these domesticated things? The flies in the Congo were five times as big, ten times as fast, and burrowed halfway through your skin, given the chance. Ah, the Congo. Good times, good times." He stared past the wire screen, to a land halfway across the Earth.

Meanwhile, Brook wondered if the snake story was more than a tale to entertain Luffy.

Luffy laughed excitedly. "Rayleigh is so badass. He's the one who taught me how to fight. He yells at me sometimes when he gets mad, but he's way nicer and way less scary than Gramps."

Usopp kept nodding, waiting for the inevitable moment when Rayleigh turned out to be a psychopath.

"He almost never gets violent. Even though I know he could."

Usopp gulped. "Almost."

"Almost. There was this one time, when I was younger. Rayleigh was supposed to take me and Ace out for lunch, but then Ace came down with a fever, so I was waiting outside alone. And this ice cream truck rolled by, and I thought that maybe since Ace couldn't go eat with us, then maybe I could bring him some ice cream?"

"That's a nice thought, Luffy." Usopp collapsed against his armrest in faux despair. "But hasn't anybody warned you about getting close to strange vehicles?"

"Yeah, I kinda learned my lesson. Cuz when I went to buy a popsicle for Ace, The ice cream guy said he'd give me one for free, if I came into the truck with him." Luffy growled. "Only he lied. When I walked in, he shut the door behind me and started shoving some weird smelling towel in my face. But he didn't get far before Rayleigh yanked the door open and-"

"Whew." Usopp held a hand against his chest.

"-broke the guy's neck."

"Ugrp."

"Yeah. When it happened, I thought Rayleigh had killed him. But it turns out that if you don't turn too far, and you take them to the hospital right away, then they won't die. Not sure what happened to that weirdo."

Zoro grimaced. "Tch. Guys like him are better off dead anyway."

A moment of silence passed before everybody realized Usopp was done with his tale (still rearranging his views on Luffy), and Brook felt it necessary to point out the inevitable. "Considering the pressure they put on me, Luffy-san's landlord, what do you suppose they'll do to Luffy-san's significant other?"

To Zoro's credit, his expression didn't change, except for a visible gulp. But Luffy dismissed Brook's worries with a wave of his hand. "It'll be fine! They won't kill him!"

"Ahem. Ice cream truck, Luffy." Usopp said.

"But Zoro's not trying to kidnap me!"

"Yeah well, your brothers, at the very least, may beg to differ." Usopp let out a puff of breath. "Ok, Zoro. Let's talk about how you're going to survive this. Gotta plan this carefully. Garp is off the table. He just does what he wants, regardless of how we try to soften the blow. You're just gonna have to grit your teeth when you meet him. Or actually, don't grit your teeth, I've heard your jaw will shatter if someone gives you a strong enough uppercut. Rayleigh is definitely first. If we convince him that Zoro's fine, he can inform Ace and Sabo. He can remind them that, even though Luffy's an idiot, he's got a good eye for people. The only thing is, Rayleigh's the kind who won't step in unless Luffy's directly in danger. Next, we'll need to get Shanks' approval. He's easy to get along with, so long as you don't threaten Luffy."

Zoro nodded. "I also have to thank him, for saving Luffy's life."

"Even better! Also, you need to look less scary."

"Hah?"

"You know, less like you're going to stab me to death. I know you won't do it, and you know you won't do it, but it Shanks sees your threatening mug around Luffy, he may be prone to drawing conclusions."

Zoro was about to point out that he couldn't change his looks before tomorrow morning, but Usopp carried on. "We also gotta call Dragon. Or maybe he'll call us first."

"Hey! I told you I took care of all the bugs," Luffy said indignantly.

"What about outside?"

"I checked that too."

"What about OUTSIDE outside? What if he's planted agents all around the neighborhood?!" Luffy rolled his eyes. "In any case, if he finds out before Luffy tells him, it might raise his suspicions. And we need him to be on your side, because he's the key to reining in Sabo."

"Why?" Zoro asked.

"He's Sabo's boss," Luffy said.

"Exactly," Usopp said. "And Sabo is key to reining in Ace. Sabo's the only half-sensible one within these brothers."

"Couldn't Luffy just talk to Ace?" Zoro suggested.

Luffy shrugged. "Sometimes, I just end up getting him even more mad."

Usopp sighed with exhaustion. "Ok, Zoro, you got the plan? Tomorrow, you gotta call Rayleigh, Shanks, and Dragon to set up meetings. Wait a couple days to let the information trickle down the grapevine, and Sabo and Ace will reach out to you first. Also, have 911 on speed dial. Cuz who knows when Garp will strike."

Zoro was nodding just as Luffy's phone went off.

"Gah! It's Ace!"

"Tell him you're not here!"

"Hi Ace! I'm not here! Bye!" Luffy hung up.

"YOU IDIOT!" Usopp screeched.

Soon after, Luffy's phone started ringing again. When he picked up the phone, Usopp and Zoro could hear yelling from the other end.

"Sorry about that…What, no, I'm not up to much…Nervous? I don't know what you're talking about!…Nonono! I'm not hiding anything…I'm not hiding the fact that I have a boyfriend, that's for sureACK!…His name's not Stupid Idiot, it's Zoro!…Uh, ok?…You promise not to kill him, right?…Ok. Night, Ace." Luffy hung up again and turned to Zoro. "He wants to get brunch with us tomorrow."

Usopp started screaming. WE'RE DOOMED! THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST SETUP THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN! ACE IS GOING TO KILL ZORO, THEN SABO WILL FOUND OUT FROM AN ANGRY ACE AND KILL ZORO, THEN SHANKS WILL GET PISSED THAT SOMEONE'S HANGING AROUND LUFFY AND KILL ZORO, THEN DRAGON WILL GET PISSED THAT HE DIDN'T GET THERE FIRST AND KILL ZORO, THEN RAYLEIGH WILL SIP HIS BEER LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED, THEN SOMEWHERE BETWEEN ALL THAT, GARP WILL SWOOP IN AND KILL ZORO!"

At which point Nami, Sanji, and Chopper woke up from their restful slumber and beat the living daylights out of Usopp. Zoro just sighed as he went for the door. "So I'm dead, not matter how it goes. What's the details, Luffy?"

"Ace said to meet at Shakky's at ten."

"Then I'll see you there."

"You sure?" Luffy skips alongside Zoro to the door. "Ace is gonna be mad if you get lost."

"I won't," Zoro grumbled before he paused on the porch steps.

"Zoro?" Luffy felt a light pressure on his forehead.

"Goodnight," Zoro whispered. And suddenly he was hurrying down the path to the house, his face heated. He could hear a door shut loudly and some muffled voices:

"What are you so happy about?"

"Oh, nothing~"

With a warm, stupid smile creeping onto his face, Zoro didn't bother worrying about what could go wrong tomorrow.