Chapter 7 Hopes & Wishes
My wish for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to, your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish.
My Wish~ Rascal Flats
~ Edward ~
"Yo E, how long till you're done?" Emmett yelled. I ripped the buds out of my ears as I jogged on the treadmill, sweating and breathing hard.
"Five minutes, why?" Emmett tossed me the towel I had set on the weight bench. I caught it, wiping my face and neck as I ran.
"I need a hand!" I nodded in acknowledgement, throwing the wet towel back to him. He caught it, shoved it in his pants while gratuitously rubbing it all over his balls before holding it up to display.
What a dick.
Well, that one will need to get burned.
As I slowed the speed down a level, I watched him stretch his arms against the universal weight machine we had installed in the basement gym.
Emmett had vehemently encouraged my continuation of an exercise regimen when we moved to Forks. Since I had quit playing ball, I kept up my workout schedule partly because of his incessant need for a spotter, as well as my competitive nature. The Type A in me couldn't stand the thought of being considered Emmett Cullen's scrawny baby brother.
I worked hard at maintaining my physique, and thanks to my mother's desire to keep us malnourished, I ate right as well. Plus, I figured that exercising counteracted the damage I did to my body with the pot smoking and the weekend binge drinking. Oh, and working out meant time spent with Emmett which I am not too ashamed to admit I enjoyed.
I took the machine down to a slow jog before it tapered off to a complete stop. With my hands pressed to my knees, panting like a motherfucker, I watched the beads of sweat drip off my face, splashing onto the rubber treads beneath my feet. I needed my fucking towel, so I snatched his off the handle bar of the Elliptical thanking God he hadn't rubbed it against his sweaty sac yet.
Emmett sat on the rubber mat beneath him as I knelt, holding his feet down. His torso lifted from the mat with a grunt, the tight muscles in his abs contracting as he crunched forward.
"So, uh…what's up with you and Rosalie?" I asked hesitantly. Aside from apprehensively loaning out his extensive porn collection, Emmett did not discuss girls, relationships, or sex. Not with me at least.
He laughed, never wavering from his sit ups. "I was wondering which one of you nosy fuckers was gonna ask me about her first."
"It's not like you've been hiding it."
"Yeah, well I'm not sure I want it made public either."
"What does that mean?" I pressed down on his feet harder as they began to edge forward.
He sighed. "I don't know, man," he responded, changing his angle as he twisted to work his obliques. "I mean, you've seen her, she's fucking smoking hot but…" He trailed off, shaking his head. "I'm not exactly comfortable talking to you about this shit. No offense, bro."
"Why the hell not?"
"Cus. I feel like I'm rubbing it in your face, you know? I know Jasper doesn't give a crap about how you feel, but I don't want to say anything that's going to make you feel like shit."
"Thanks. I appreciate that. I can handle it, trust me. Talk…"
He paused, flopping his back to the mat as he scrubbed a hand over his eyes. "Well, I like her…a lot. She's fun and smart, and you would think she was all high maintenance but she's really down to earth, barring the superficial. She's so fucking…fuckable. But that's the problem."
"I don't follow. It's a problem because she's hot?"
"Uh, yeah. Rose attracts stares even when she's in sweats looking like she just rolled out of bed. I don't think I can handle having a girl that everyone gets off to, you know?"
"Dude, that's just stupid. Sorry… but it is. If you are attracted to her, what makes you think that no one else will be?"
He sat up, resting his forearms on bent knees." I don't like people looking at my girl, okay. I don't like them talking about her either. That's the other thing…the big thing."
I looked at him expectantly. He sighed again. "She's been around. She fucked Marcus Embry last year and he came into the locker room giving details about her body and what her moans sounded like and shit. I don't want everyone to know what my girl sounded like when she was with someone else. It's just wrong." He looked down, chewing the inside of his cheek. "And the worst part is, that I want her so fucking bad …but I know I'm gonna be a possessive motherfucker around her, and she's… Rosalie Hale. She doesn't stand for that shit. I don't know if it's worth the hassle and headache that accompanies having her as my girlfriend."
"I wish I had your problems." I laughed, wanting to smack him in his head for being such a douche, though I knew exactly how he felt about not wanting anyone ogling Rosalie. "You like her? Then suck it up and don't worry about what anyone else thinks, or says, or has heard. When did you start worrying over what people think of you? If she's your girl then you walk beside her proudly, and tell everyone to fuck off. Because seriously, if I had a girl like that who liked me and I could show the whole goddamn world, nothing would stop me."
He nodded, absently. "Yeah, I know. I just can't stop thinking about her, you know? I whack off to her image so much my palms are softer than a baby's ass," he laughed.
"Yeah, I hear that," I mumbled. I pressed my hands into his sneakers again, motioning for him to resume sit-ups.
His body fell to the floor and rose again where he paused at the top. "So uh…what are you going to do about TinkerBell?"
"Huh?" I asked absently, as he had caught me off guard.
He chuckled, "Bella. You can't keep your eyes off that girl. For good reason, though…she's beautiful." I shook my head, but he rolled his eyes.
"E, don't give me that shit. You like her, I know you do. Your eyes fucking lit up when she called you handsome."
"Six days, Em. She's been here six days and I've seen her five of those days. She's in five of my goddamn classes. She lives a hundred feet away from us. I watch her every…day." I cringed, almost having said night. "I want her more than I've ever wanted a girl in my whole life, but…" I held up my hands in defeat. "I'm fucked."
"You think she knows you like her?" he asked.
"I've given her no reason to think so. I've actually been a dick to her so she'll stay away from me, but it's not working. I can't be a dick to her."
"Yeah she's a sweetheart. Let me ask you something…" He cocked his head to the side. "What are you going to do if Jasper hooks up with her?"
Those disgusting words alone made my heart lurch out of my chest as I recalled seeing her splayed out next to him on the grass outside the window. I went from being elated at the sight of her face to fuming in the time it took to walk from the piano bench to the yard.
Yeah, I'd fucked up things with him and Emily, it wasn't a secret. Jasper was my brother and my best friend. He deserved a good girl, and I guess metaphorically I owed him one. But not Bella…not her. It would kill me to watch them together. There were a hundred other girls he could have easily, why did he want the one that I wanted? If I had to watch her with anyone, I should want it to be my own brother, right?
Wrong.
Not able to explain how I truly felt, I simply shrugged my shoulders. "Honestly, it makes me sick to think about it. But it's not like I can be her boyfriend or anything, right? I mean, what am I expecting her to do… be satisfied with nothing but adoring glances from across a room for the next two fucking years?"
"I don't know, Edward . I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all that shit you went through…are still going through. I never told you how fucking horrible it was to watch you just…detach. I wish I could help you fix this. I wish I was there to stop it before it happened. I should have fucking been there…"
"There wasn't anything you could do and you know it. I just have to deal with the repercussions of this until it's over. I don't really want to talk about it anymore though, okay?" He nodded. "Anyway, I think you should suck it up and be with Rosalie. If you don't do it for yourself, then do it for me, so I can live vicariously."
As we were heading upstairs, he paused and said, "Hey, Edward. You know…you could always just fuck her and not get caught."
You see Em, there is where the problem lies...I just don't want to "fuck" her.
Mom called us to dinner and I peeked outside before sitting down to the kitchen table. Bella's car had been gone for most of the afternoon and well into the evening. She had gone to Rosalie's last night, coming home late in the afternoon and then she was gone again.
After we watched the fight at Mike's last night, Emmett had asked me to swing by there on our way back so he could see Rose for a sec. He chickened out at the last minute though, as we idled out front of her house. Finally, he just asked me to drive home. I was infinitely disappointed, because I'd really, really wanted to see Bella in her pajamas.
About half way through eating, as mom passed Emmett the bowl of organic mashed potatoes which tasted closely like Elmer's glue, she asked him what his plans for the homecoming dance were. He shrugged his shoulders, giving me a pensive glance before he responded, "I don't know. I'm not sure if I even want to go."
Mom gasped, as if he had said he was giving his firstborn child to a band of Gypsies, and replied, "You have to go Emmett! You're the quarterback of the football team and nominated for Homecoming King. How could you not go?"
He shrugged, replying, "The girl I want to take may not be available." It was a lie, but sometimes white lies were easier than dealing with Esmom's persistent questions.
"I'm thinking of asking Bella." Jasper said garbled, his mouth full of organic free-range chicken.
No fucking way.
The words hit me like a slap in the face and I sighed, staring down at my plate while I mashed the food around with my fork. A lump formed in my throat, thick and constricting as I reigned in the loss of control that was threatening to slip.
I could feel Emmett's gaze planted on me as well as my mother's. Jasper continued to chew, paying no attention to anyone but himself.
"So you like her?" Dad asked, innocently, unaware of my affections toward Bella.
"Yeah, sort of I guess. It's not as if I'm thinking about her every ten seconds or anything, but yeah, I think she's cool. And hot.".
"How do you know someone else hasn't asked her yet?" Emmett hedged.
"Who's gonna jump that fast? She's been here for what, three days?" Jasper replied confidently.
"Six," I muttered, almost inaudibly, scraping my fork on the china.
"What makes you think she'll even say yes?" Emmett asked.
Jasper laughed, an air of cockiness about him. "Oh, she'll say yes. I was kind of flirting with her yesterday…you know feeling her out and, and I think she likes me. She's gonna look great in heels and a dress, don't you think?" He leaned over and whispered, "And I'm gonna smack that fine ass." I stiffened in my seat, stabbing the meat violently with my fork. I finally made eye contact with Emmet. Pity.
"Dad, can I use the Porsche that night?" jasper asked, like the asshole he was.
"I'll think about it. What about Edward?" Dad asked, as if I were the socially retarded younger brother who couldn't make any friends on his own.
Has it resorted to this…talking about me like I'm not even in the room?
"I'm right here, Dad. Don't worry about me," I snapped. "Not going."
"Mom, should I wear a suit to this thing or is it just like a button down and nice pants?" Jasper asked enthusiastically, completely self-absorbed.
She muttered, "Probably not a suit."
"Hey Edward, can I borrow your black Armani pants with the suspenders?" I stared at him as if he had three fucking dicks, the weight on my chest causing my breathing and heart rate to accelerate.
Sure Jasper, take my girl to the dance, and wear my fucking pants…take my balls, my pride and all of my hopes and dreams while you're at it.
"Yeah, Jazz, take whatever you want. Take everything I have. It's not like I need it." I seethed, pushing my chair away from the table. Everyone looked up and I asked, "Can I be excused?"
Dad went to say something, but Mom just put her hand over his and nodded. I tossed my dish onto the counter, and flew up the back stairs to my room where I paced. I made a semi-circle around the bed, trying to calm down. I grabbed a cigarette from the desk drawer, opened the doors to my balcony and slumped on the cushy chair. It was too early for her to be changing, so I didn't even bother looking in the direction of her bedroom window.
How was I supposed to deal with this? I couldn't even handle the thought of him asking her to go to a stupid high school dance, never mind the notion of her actually accompanying him there. My knee shook nervously as I ignored the fine curtain of mist that had begun to fall. It made me sick, because he wasn't even aware of how many times he had actually hung out with the girl, and here I was counting the days since she'd been here, and the minutes until I would see her again.
When I heard the door to my bedroom open, I made no attempt to see who it was coming to console poor lonely Edward. However, when my mother open the umbrella attached to the table, I was relieved. I did not want to face Jasper right now.
She knew I smoked, but she had never actually seen me do it before. Her mouth was turned into a frown, as she fanned away the gray smoke puffs from her face.
"Ma, if you're gonna complain about the smell then please go back inside."
"I know, Sweetie. I'm not complaining. Are you alright?" She placed a hand on my knee.
"Yeah. No. I know I have no right to feel possessive about her, but Jasper fucking… he has no respect for girls. He talks about them like they are objects to just look at. And he doesn't know Bella at all. All he knows is that she's hot. But mom, she's beautiful. And he won't protect her. He just sees her as just another girl, no concept of how smart and funny and sweet she is. God…I know he misses Emily, but she is not going to be another Emily for him. She's not, Mom."
I hated that I was on the verge of tears. Inwardly, I scoffed at the idea that maybe I should stop jerking off to her visions of her being loving and affectionate with me because I think it was seriously fucking with my head.
My shrink would love this. Possessive about a girl I've known 6 days? Doing drugs and drinking with her on the weekend? Watching her undress and then pleasuring myself to her image?
"I know, Edward, I know. I've seen her pictures at Charlie's. She is a beautiful girl. But you don't know that she will even accept his invitation, right? Maybe she won't want to go with him. You can ask her too, you know."
I snorted, shaking my head at my mother's ridiculous suggestion. "Yeah, okay. 'Hey B, you wanna go to Homecoming with me? I can't dance with you, or hold your hand, but I can get you a glass of punch and sit on the bleachers three feet away from you.' No thanks, Mom. I'd rather stay home."
The look she gave me then was one of sheer and utter pity. She sighed, cupping her hand on my knee. "Edward please don't make me say this to you." She looked out into the distance, her hazel eyes reflecting the dark images of the pine trees.
"You know I love your brothers with all of my heart and soul. But you…you are my son. I will always know what's going on with you. It's what moms do. I know how much Bella means to you, but it's only been 6 days. Please, please don't get yourself into something that you can't handle. You may not like the results if she does agree to go with Jasper to the dance. I understand you wanting to protect her. It's in your nature, but… "
I looked at her with a scowl, and anger boiling in my chest. "No Mom, I don't think you do understand. Bella consumes my every thought. I see her when I close my eyes every night, Mom… she's there, right there. And she's so close that I can almost feel her. Bella has the most beautiful brown eyes that I have even seen. I could just sit and look into them for hours because… it's like I can see all of her secrets and hopes and wishes in them when she looks at me."
I angrily wiped a tear away. "You know what she told me yesterday? She was being silly, pretending she was a princess, and she had this wand, you know? So she made us all make a wish and then… she told me I was handsome. It just meant so much coming from her. I mean, she called Jazz a flirt, and Emmett brave. But she called me handsome and mysterious. I don't want to be a mystery to her, Mom. I want to be her knight in shining armor…or whatever."
"For your princess." Mom whispered softly, her expression troubled. As she wiped away her own tears, I felt terrible for having burdened her with this. She should be happy, not crying for me over something no one could control. But I needed to purge, get it all out before I drove myself into a full blown panic attack, and she was the only one I could confide in.
"Exactly. I want to be the one she runs to when she's afraid. I want to be the one she comes to when she is happy. Mom, I want to make her happy. I want to make her smile and laugh and I want to be the one to tap her head with a wand and make her wishes come true. Jasper is going to use her. He wants Emily. Bella is not Emily. He won't treat her right, and then he'll realize that she's not what he wants. And then he'll ruin it for me and he'll ruin her, Mom. After he's done with her, she won't want to even talk to me anymore. I'll never even get the chance to hold her hand."
Her face was so downtrodden and full of pity at my rambling, I was almost ashamed. But Esmom listened like no other, and she let me be who I was without feeling embarrassed. "I know, Mom. I am a big pussy." She laughed, holding her cheek in her hand as she propped her elbow on her knee.
She slapped my thigh playfully. "Knock it off. You aren't a big pussy. You're emotional, and sweet, and you are hurting . I wish I could take all that away. I wish I could make this all better for you. It is killing me to see you so frustrated like this." She shook her head, and I took another drag, blowing the smoke away from her.
"Mom, there's something in her eyes that …I don't know, just looks a little sad. I don't know exactly why she moved here. I mean, she was really vague when she told us and I have heard a few things. I am pretty sure she left California because of a guy. I don't put much stock in it, because…if you didn't know already, most of the Forks high school thinks I'm gay." We both laughed, but my mother put her hand over her mouth to stifle it. "So, like, I try not to listen to rumors. But something happened to her at her last school and it hurt her. I don't want to add to her heartache, I want to make it better. I want to be the one that takes the sad out of her eyes. Jasper doesn't get that. He doesn't even notice the things I do. She's too smart for him, and when he figures that out, he'll toss her before she can dump him."
"I had no idea you felt so strongly about your brother's extra-curricular activities. You are really angry with him aren't you?"
"I just don't like the way he treats girls. He leads them on and then they cry. I've seen so many girls in tears over him. And as it stands right now, honestly, I don't give a shit about who he sleeps with, Mom...as long as it isn't Bella."
"Edward. You do realize that this has the potential to start a war with your brother. And because of your circumstances, it is a battle you may not win. Ask yourself if it is worth it to lose the friendship you have with Jasper over a girl you've only known a few days, regardless of the intensity you feel for her. You have to spend the rest of your life with Jasper, but Bella, you may not even care about next week. It is worth the fight?"
"I feel like it is. Even if I can't win, I'm not going down without trying. You know what they say, right? All's fair in love and war."
"Edward, war is dangerous and love is painful. Especially first love. It's confusing and terrifying and magical all at the same time, but I think you'll figure it all out in time. Just remember you are loved, no matter what you do, or what decisions you make. Your dad and your brothers and I are always here. And we will always love you."
As she took the dwindling cigarette from me, I grimaced, thinking she was going to put it out, only she took a drag. I looked at her with incredulity.
Noticing my expression, she laughed, "You know, Edward I wasn't always your mother. I was once a 16 year old girl, too. And not only was I cool, but I was very, very pretty." She exhaled the smoke, her lips pursed.
"You're still pretty, Mom."
She smiled, batting her lashes bashfully before rolling her eyes. "Just so you know…if I were her, I would be dreaming about you too." She put the cigarette out on the deck, kissed my forehead and whispered, "I love you." I whispered it back, thanking her for listening.
At the door, she stopped to ask, "You said Bella made you make a wish? May I ask what you wished for?"
I leaned back on the chair, exhausted. "I wished for a fucking miracle."
On Monday morning, English was cancelled because of some anti-drug assembly. Bella sat three rows in front of me. When the guest speaker mentioned how marijuana was a gateway drug and how it impaired judgment, memory and a slew of other things, Bella turned, met my gaze and smirked the most beautiful little derelict smile I had ever seen.
In a quiet act of rebellion, she pointed to the pretend watch on her wrist and mouthed "three o'clock?" I chuckled, earning an annoyed stare from the girl in front of me, and responded by winking. I fucking winked, and I never do that.
It was at that moment, when she smiled back at me, wholeheartedly and genuine, that I knew I absolutely couldn't allow Jasper to ask her to the dance. Or get anywhere near her. Ever.
Because even if she wasn't truly mine, I couldn't let just anyone have her.
The girls at Bella's lunch table all looked as if their cats had contracted terminal illnesses or something equally as depressing, so Jasper avoided Bella. As we were leaving the cafeteria, he told me had planned to ask her to the dance after school. I had to intercept his efforts somehow. I had no actual plan, but I was determined to do this, without having myself look like a cock-blocking asshole. After all, I wasn't exactly going to ask her to the dance myself.
In Bio, Mr. Banner had us busy with heavy note taking all period, so the opportunity to mention it there was lost, but I had one period left to concoct a plan. However, by seventh period said plan did not manifest itself, and I sat at our study hall table resigned and prepared to fight to the death…or something like that.
Bella plopped her belongings down on the table, sitting across from me as she read the text message on her pink phone with a scowl on her face. She clicked her tongue in disgust, or annoyance, I couldn't tell right off, and typed a message before tossing the phone into her pink bag with a huff.
"What's the matter?"
She rolled her eyes with a groan, as she tucked a curl behind her ear. "Your brother is the matter..."
Panic. "Jasper?" My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. Did he ask her? Why was she pissed?
"Emmett. He's an idiot," she clarified. "Rosalie has been on edge waiting for him to ask her to Homecoming this Saturday, but apparently, it seems as if he isn't going to. I mean, she already bought a dress and stuff, and if he doesn't ask her... she's going to be so heartbroken."
"What makes her so sure he was going to ask her?"
"Um, well she would generally assume that if a boy was secretly sneaking out at night to make out with and accept fellatio from her, then he would reciprocate by asking her to a stupid dance. It seems that Emmett doesn't see things the same way Rose does." I nodded, not having realized that Emmett had omitted details in our conversation. "Fellatio is a blowjob, by the way," she added, leaning over the side of the table as she checked out my shoes.
Was she looking at my shoes?
"I am aware, thank you," I scoffed, scowling at her patronization. "Are you going?" I asked, taking in a long breath while internally kicking myself for asking a question that I did not want to know the answer to. If Jasper hadn't gotten to her, then I am sure someone else would have by now.
"Um no. I don't really 'do' dances" she said, shaking her head. "Bad memories, and stuff."
"Oh," I replied, giddy and practically shaking with glee and shit. "Deadbeat ex- boyfriend?"
She chuckled. "Something like that." She bit the side of her cheek for a second before she added, "I'm going to the game with the girls and I know there's a party afterwards, so I'll probably go to that. Are you going?"
"No. Well not to the dance, but definitely to the game and the party," I said.
We should go together. I'll drive. I'll even pick you up. We can pretend it's a real date and that I am not a complete fucking loser.
"Is Jasper going to the dance?" she asked with a grimace, and my heart sank again.
"He mentioned something about it, but…" I trailed off, at a complete loss for words. I'd rather omit than outright lie to her.
Do it Cullen. Just find out. "Why do you ask?"
"Alice… was hoping."
With a tremendous surge of relief, I asked, "She was hoping Jasper would ask her? She shouldn't hold her breath on that one."
Bella's expression was genuinely disappointed, and it sort of touched me how sweet it was for her to be so bothered by her friend's plight. "I figured as much," she said, blowing her bangs away from her eyes.
"Sorry B. Alice is just not his type."
"Yeah I know, he said that too. Well what is his type, then?"
Apparently to describe my brother's past conquests, I thought about Emily and her long dark hair and crystal blue eyes, her toned yet curvy figure and her outgoing personality. "He's into girls that are more mature looking. Um, sexy, confident, big boobs. I guess…more Megan Fox, less Dakota Fanning?"
She nodded, understanding my comparison. "Typical guy," she snorted. "And you? Do you have a type?" Her gaze met mine.
Um, definitely, definitely you.
"Not into blondes."
The bell rang and we parted ways. As I walked down the hall, skillfully weaving in through and around the females that crowded the small space, I noticed my classmates giving me strange looks. I didn't care.
Gay men are supposed to be happy. That is what gay means, right?
At dismissal, I smoked a cigarette, leaning against Jasper's car as I waited for him to finish up his chat with Short Skirt. After he discharged her, we climbed into the car.
I sat fidgeting with a Kings of Leon CD case while I contemplated how to break the news to Jasper. I figured I had better pull off the band-aid quickly and just get it over with.
"Bella's not going to the Homecoming dance. She doesn't like dances."
"Shit. I need to get laid."
Thinking back to my conversation with my mom...this was the exact reason I had to protect Bella from him.
I grit my teeth, fiddling with a CD case. "Yeah, well, not by her."
Jasper pulled out of the spot. "The Forks well is running dry, man. We might need to take a trip up to Olympia this weekend."
Ignoring him, I looked up to see Bella and Alice walking out of the side doors. A huge gust of wind blew Bella's brown curls around her face like dancing snakes. As she reached up to try to tame it, our eyes met and she tapped her imaginary watch and winked at me.
My sweet Princess B. was safe for one more day. I couldn't tell her how I felt about her but I would happily take on the task of being her secret knight in shining armor….waiting and willing to obliterate all the fire -breathing dragons in her life.
Even the ones she didn't know were after her.
~%~