Hey, look! 2 in one day. You probably won't see another for 6 months so read slowly.

Chapter 9 Feelings & Shit

There's something about you now

I can't quite figure out

Everything she does is beautiful

Everything she does is right

You and me and all of the people with nothing to do nothing to lose

and it's you and me and all of the people and I don't know why

I can't keep my eyes off of you

Lifehouse~ You and Me

Edward

That sound.

That fucking sound…

God, I hated that sound.

And it was Tuesday. Motherfucking fuck.

I rolled over onto my stomach, sliding to the far right side of my bed to smash the shit out my alarm clock.

Bella blew me a kiss last night. I was stunned, moved, and really bewildered all at the same time. Until I realized that Jasper was standing right behind me, so the kiss could have been for him. Or both of us. Or maybe there was a bug stuck to her lip gloss and she was wiping it away. Of course, I was reading way too deeply into it. To a girl, a blown kiss held the same symbolism as a wave. A playful gesture, mildly flirtatious in nature, true. But I liked to think it was just for me, so I caught it nonchalantly, and stuffed it in my pocket.

Tuesday meant therapy. I hated Tuesdays just for that reason. It was an hour of my life each week that I would never get back, plus another hour in travel time to Port Angeles. One good thing that came out of it was that Jasper and I would usually grab a bite to eat at the mall, thereby avoiding another horrific meal at the Cullen dining room table.

Another redeeming factor was that I was able to supplement my wardrobe. I admit, I enjoyed shopping. Not many straight guys would say that proudly, but I found something extremely gratifying about making several purchases, and unwrapping them on my bed at home. I would iron all the garments and hang them in my closet, color coordinating them into the proper section, while keeping the style of the piece in the designated area. Yeah, it was sort of weird if I thought about it hard enough, but my anal tendencies were strongest while also the most useful when it came to organizing and arranging, categorizing and sorting. I couldn't rest until everything was I the right order. My mind didn't have an off button.

The books in the den and the DVD collection in the media room were my doing as well. That had taken me an exorbitant amount of time, after the incompetent movers shifted the boxes clearly marked, THIS SIDE UP in red Sharpie. The thousands of books and movies were all out of order and I painstakingly categorized them both alphabetically into genres. I used the same method with my CD's, and while it seems insane to most people, it was cathartic and a curative practice to me.

This is also why I adopted a methodical morning ritual. I had showering and dressing down to a science, that is, when my hair cooperated. I don't know of many sixteen year old's that shaved, exfoliated, scrubbed, and primed their skin on a daily basis. Jasper, only swiped on some Stridex and called it a day. But I was vain, and insecure at the same time, and the rituals helped me focus. Aside from shaving my face and chest, my hair took the longest to achieve. I kept it in a very disorganized style, giving the illusion I threw some sculpting wax into it and ran my hands haphazardly through it a few times. However, each strand was carefully placed, so that its neighbor was not angled the same way.

Looking like I didn't give a shit was painstakingly tedious.

After dressing, I headed to the kitchen. Jasper was eating a bowl of cereal, while studying the box of organic Fruit-e-O's. Emmett sat next to him, looking uncharacteristically sullen.

"Hey, how'd it go last night?" I asked, sitting at the center island with a bowl and spoon. Last night while I was outside Bella Watching, he tried to sneak out, saying that he was going to ask Rosalie to Homecoming.

"She said no," Emmett replied flatly, not even making eye contact with me.

"Huh?" I replied, pouring myself a bowl of fake Fruit loops.

"She fucking said no." He stared off into space tapping his index finger on the granite island.

"Bitch," Jasper muttered, not breaking his focus off of the box.

"Bella said Rose wanted you to ask her. Why the hell would she say no?"

Emmett's shook his head, clearly pissed. "She said I waited too long and nobody makes Rosalie Hale wait. She's going with Jared."

I bit my lip and nodded. Jared was a guy on the football team with Em.

"Didn't she fuck him over the summer? I remember hearing something about that," Jasper said, slurping his rainbow colored milk. Jasper… always so helpful.

"Hell if I know. Probably. Goddamn it. She's playing games with me."

"She wants you to chase after her?" I asked naively.

It was no secret in my household that I had very little experience with girls. Four sexual occurrences, three of them with the same person, two blow jobs, three boobie gropes and I made out with four girls including the two I'd slept with. No girlfriends. I was not exactly a seasoned expert on the mysteriously psychotic ways of the female.

"Bitch," Jasper mumbled again.

"So chase her and show her you don't want to share her," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "That's what I would do."

Emmett didn't respond. He glared at me for a second before he swiped his untouched bowl of cereal, tossed it in the sink with a splash, and stormed out of the room.

"PA today?" Jasper asked, unfazed by Emmett's abrupt departure. I nodded, wondering what the hell excuse I was going to give Bella for not hanging out after school.

###

On my way to English I was running late. I hung back after third to see if I could catch Bella to walk with her, but she was talking to some nerdy kid, looking very uncomfortable. After staring intently and debating whether I should intervene, I chickened out and took the long way around to the English wing, stopping by the vending machines for a bottled water because I felt a headache coming on.

Jessica and Lauren passed me in the almost empty hallway, uttering their bitchy greetings. I nodded, not really wanting to acknowledge them, but I didn't want to be a rude asshole either. Not that I even gave a shit what they thought, but I felt like I shouldn't have so many enemies.

As they brushed past, the little freshman who had been talking to Jasper the other afternoon, Short Skirt I believe I named her, came bounding around the corner, smashing into Jessica with force. Her books flew all over the hallway, along with the entire contents of her purse, which scattered haphazardly between the lockers. Lauren screamed, "Why don't you watch where you're going, slut!" Jessica muttered something derogatory, before she deliberately stepped on Short Skirt's powder compact, cracking it in pieces and glass shards on the floor.

The two girls strode off, their cackling laughter echoing while Short Skirt fell to her knees, gathering up her belongings. I could see the tears welling up her eyes as she frantically repacked the contents of her purse. Tears coming from a girl were equivalent to an arrow being shot through my heart. Without even thinking, I bent to one knee, stacking her books in a pile, and then tossing lipsticks and various girl items into her open bag. She looked up, tucking a long strand of hair behind her ear and muttered a very quiet, "Thank you," accompanied by a meek smile.

I smiled as I handed her the stack of books from the floor, "Ignore those girls. They are damaged people. And you should probably get a backpack." Short Skirt nodded with a sniff, before she sped off to her class. I stood, tossing my own bag over my shoulder as Bella stood frozen in the classroom doorway. She had the bathroom pass clutched in her hand and a shy smirk on her face.

"That was really nice of you, Edward," she said softly as she began to walk toward me. Her eyes twinkled and she looked almost as if she wanted to hug me or something. I was embarrassed at her awe and shrugged my shoulders indifferently, wanting to escape her almost pitiful gaze and her possible attempt at an embrace.

I looked down, shifting my bag to the other shoulder as a sudden splash of nerves came over me and I didn't know what to do with my hands. "It's no big deal. I just helped her pick up her stuff. I'm not an asshole." My tone was clipped, and truly I didn't mean it to be. At the same time Bella's smile fell, my heart plummeted with it. She turned on one foot toward the bathroom, leaving me standing alone, feeling like complete shit. She was complimenting me and I felt stupid, so I made her feel stupid in return.

Dumb fuck.

I sat in class, earning a disapproving glare from the substitute teacher, who promptly took my name for attendance purposes. When Bella returned, I went old school and wrote "Thank You" on a piece of loose leaf, passing it to her a row over when the teacher has his back turned. She opened it and smirked, folding it back up before sliding it in her bag. She met my gaze with a slight nod and I desired nothing more in that moment than to kiss her lips, showering her face with my apologies and the truth of why I was such a bipolar schizophrenic dick to her all the time.

We walked to lunch side by side, silent and awkward, the strange tension minutely relieved only by the occasional uttering of greetings to Bella. She had been in Forks exactly a week and at least two thirds of the students knew her or of her already. I asked her if she actually knew all these people that were saying hello to her and she laughed, shaking her head no.

Emmett was in the cafeteria at our table, glaring at Rosalie while he took intermittent, pissed off sips of ice tea. He spent forty five minutes glaring at her while she ignored him, deliberately discussing her Homecoming attire in earshot of my seething brother.

After daintily ingesting an amazing looking peanut butter and jelly sandwich, Bella chewed on her pinkie nail with her chin cupped in her hand as she listened to Rosalie and the other girls discussing the dance. I swear she looked almost sad, but as if she were trying to force enthusiasm for their upcoming activities that she would not take part in. I surmised from the overheard bits of the conversation that Alice was going with Alec, and Angela, of course with Ben.

Every so often Bella would glance up at me, but I couldn't bear to look at her all feminine and pretty in her white shirt with the flowing sleeves that made her look like an angel. I was such a coward and I had no idea what I was even doing by liking this girl.

She sat next to me in Bio, scraping her stool along the floor. Mr. Banner began his lecture on mitochondria, cuing us to take notes. I swear to God, between this guy and his excessive forced note taking and all the jerking off I did, I would need carpal tunnel surgery in like, a week.

Bella pulled out her sparkly pink notebook and a green plastic pickle which she proceeded to pull apart and write with in hot pink ink.

"Is that a pickle pen?" I asked her, staring incredulously, as if wasn't completely obvious that it was just that.

Bella laughed. "Um hum."

"Wwwwhy?" I asked expectantly, and a bit dumbfounded at the purpose of such an idiotic writing implement.

"Because…" She reached into her backpack and whipped out a life-like hamburger looking thing. "It goes with my cheeseburger pad." Bella smiled the goofiest grin, as she opened the brown spongy buns to reveal a stack of yellow post it notes sandwiched between them posing as the cheese. "Which also go with…" She stuck her hand back in the bag, proudly presenting a very realistic looking box of rubbery plastic French fries to me. "My French fry erasers!"

I stared at her for like a good minute, my expression completely blank. She held her hands up. "Oh, sorry, they don't make To-furkey pens and wheat grass note pads." Then she rolled her eyes at me, the little snot.

I laughed in her face, picking up the pickle and examining it. I scribbled "You are a freak" into her cheeseburger pad before sliding it across the lab table toward her. She read the note, stuck her tongue at me and tossed the fake food back in her bag. She was so fucking cute, I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and kiss her and tickle her until she peed her pants.

"You can borrow the pen any time," she said. Her eyebrows rose suggestively.

I narrowed my eyes, muttering, "Thanks, I'm good." She smirked, shrugging her shoulders. It was odd, and I wondered what it was about.

We made small talk in study hall, while I created excuse after excuse in my head to explain why we would not be hanging out after school. I'd considered just telling her simply that I had other plans but Bella was a naturally inquisitive young woman (in any other situation and had I not been head over heels for her, I would have called her nosy little bitch) and I knew she wouldn't accept it without a more detailed explanation. However, I pussied out, not wanting to lie to her.

I realized that if I couldn't even make up a white lie about my Tuesday whereabouts, then how was I ever going to be able to tell her the truth about me?

So after gym, I cleaned up quickly, getting to my car just as she and Alice were walking across the lot. Alice stopped to chat with Alec while I took a deep breath and said, "Um, hey… um, we're not hanging out today."

Bella frowned, looking slightly dejected. "Oh, that's okay, I needed to go to Port Angeles anyway for some stuff."

Fuck, what was I supposed to say then? There was no way I wanted this girl to know I was going to a fucking shrink. Maybe if we timed it right I could get there faster than her and she would never know. I blew out a breath as my stupid, insensitive, self-centered bastard of a brother Jasper, rounded the car chirping, "Hey, we're going to Port Angeles, why don't you just come with us?"

I felt my neck heat up and my fists coil into tight balls. "Yeah, sure," she said looking at me. "I guess… if it's okay with you. We're you planning to go to the mall, because I need to…"

"No, Edward has an appointment, but you and I can hit the mall while he's at his… thing. It's right across the street," Jasper said, leaning casually against my bumper. I could have beaten his stupid ugly ass into the gravel with one fist, until only his bloody head was peeking out of the cracked pavement. Then I would run that over repeatedly with my car until it was just an oozing pancake with a tuft of blonde hair spurting out the top.

Through gritted teeth, low enough so only he could hear the warning in my voice, I said, "Jasper, get your fucking foot off of my fucking bumper you stupid fucking moron."

"Are you feeling alright?" She looked at me expectantly.

"Yeah, I'm fine…why?" I asked, not immediately understanding her question.

She shuffled her feet, shifting her bag off of her shoulder to hang from the strap. "Oh, nothing. I just assumed he meant you had a doctor's appointment."

Oh god oh god oh god, what the fuck do I say?

Because if I said yes, it was a doctor's appointment, then next Tuesday when we were again not present in the tree house, I would have to make up another excuse. Either that, or she would think I was undergoing dialysis or something that I had weekly physician appointments for.

"Um…no…I have…piano lessons… every Tuesday." I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that explanation would be plausible enough for her, while not seeming completely nerdified by being sixteen and succumbing to the torture of piano lessons.

"Oh!" She smiled. "I didn't realize you still took lessons. Okay well, I have to drop Alice off and then I'll meet at your house?"

I nodded, still annoyed as hell, as we got into our respective cars. Jasper slid into the passenger seat, practically buzzing with excitement, the fucker. He took my Foo Fighters CD out of the slot and I snatched it from him.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, man? How could you tell her to come with us? What if she finds out where I'm really going?" Then she'll think I am a freak for sure. "God, you are such a douche. I had to tell her I was taking piano lessons, for Christ sake, like some kind of moron. What fucking sixteen year old takes piano lessons?"

"Dude, what do you care what she thinks about you, really? I mean, what, do you like her or something?" He practically snorted, as if my taking a romantic interest in a girl like Bella was a ridiculous impossibility. And what, I tell him the truth so he can rub it in my face? It would be the perfect opportunity for his revenge.

"No, but I don't want her talking about me to her friends. It's nobody's business what I fucking do. You could at least think about this shit before you go running your mouth off."

"Sorry, I didn't realize. I just thought it would be cool to hang out with her, you know…see if she's cool when she's not high," he said, flipping the CD cover back in forth in his hands. To Jasper, the world revolved around him. I realized when he said this, that the only time he hung out with Bella was when we were all stoned. I hung out with her in class, and had gotten to know her on another level, sort of. How could he possibly even think of liking a girl when all he knew of her was when her personality was altered?

The thought of the two of them hanging out alone for forty five minutes made my blood boil. The agitated rhythmic tapping of my fingers against the steering wheel was the only thing to be heard in the car, besides the faint purr of the engine.

I changed into a dark gray t-shirt and brushed my teeth twice until the water I spat into the sink was tinged pink with blood, before heading back downstairs. Through the front window, I could see that Bella was outside perched on the slate edge of the waterfall thing on the front lawn. I opened the door, and she turned toward me with a bright smile. "I didn't realize you had koi in the pond." I strode across the lawn, my legs moving involuntarily, a veritable magnet drawing against iron toward this girl. At the bottom of the small pond, we watched in silence as the two golden orange fish darted in and out of the vegetation.

"They're beautiful. Do they have names?" She looked up at me, with chocolate eyes and dark lashes and honesty and innocence. I wanted to reach out and lace my fingers in her warm tiny hand so we could watch the fish frolic in their watery confines together.

I reached instead to scratch my head, careful not to disrupt my carefully arranged chaotic mess of hair. Pressing my lips together, I thought a minute before responding, "Uh…yeah." She gazed up, awaiting my answer. I let out a breath and responded, "Bella, meet Cunnilingus and Fellatio."

She rolled her eyes, smirking and shaking her head. "Do your parents know they have such… lascivious names?"

"Oh yeah, they know," I replied, frankly impressed with her casual use of the word lascivious, as well as her understanding of what both the koi's names meant. I loved that she was smart and well read. "The fish were Emmett's idea and therefore his responsibility, so he got to name them. Mom doesn't necessarily approve, but Dad thinks it's great." I shrugged my shoulders. Jasper exited the house at that moment, gesturing for us to get going.

In the car, she insisted on sitting in the back seat, though I asked her to sit up front, out of politeness and that ladies first thing she was so keen on. They talked about nothing, bullshitting about school and the upcoming football game. I resisted contributing to the conversation, simply because as we grew closer to Port Angeles, I grew more agitated, and all I could focus on was the fact that they were going to be alone for almost an hour, where Jasper would probably be gratuitously touching her every chance he got.

Parking in the lot across the street from the ambiguous brick building that housed my therapist's office, I gave Jasper a stern look and said, "I'll call you at four."

He patted his pocket, muttering, "Shit," when he realized he didn't have his phone on him. "I left my cell in the kitchen."

Bella spewed out her cell number. I entered it in my phone, a small part of me ecstatic that I had gotten one step closer to her. Yeah, stupid, but for a kid who couldn't touch the girl he was falling hard for, getting her digits by default was the equivalent to an earlobe suck.

"Have fun at your lesson." She grinned and waved as they turned toward the mall, and I watched with anger and trepidation at the heart wrenching sight of my brother and my girl walking away from me. They disappeared through the glass doors side by side, and I wanted to hit something hard.

I waited a good ten minutes in the lobby before Dr. Kate buzzed me up to her fourth floor office. Upon entering, I removed my jacket, hanging it over the arm of the chair adjacent to my usual seat. She didn't look up at me, which was customary for her.

"Hello, Edward. I'm glad you decided to come back." Dr. Kate looked up at me, smiling genuinely, as if she were truly pleased that I had returned after last week's disastrous session. Like I had a choice in the matter.

I exhaled, slumping back in the seat, resigned to simply get the session over with. I steeled myself for the lie that would leave my mouth. "I want to apologize for my behavior last week. I overreacted. Kicking the chair and leaving was uncalled for and immature." I refused to make eye contact with her, as my apology was not sincere.

She met my gaze, thoughtfully cocking her head to the side. "Edward, thank you. While I appreciate the sentiment, I have to ask, honestly…is that genuinely how you feel?"

I looked away, because I hated confrontation, truthfully. "No."

"So then why apologize? All I expect from you in our sessions is honesty. If you falsify your feelings, than whom is that helping? Not me and certainly not you, correct?"

Shrugging my shoulders in agreement and complete shock, I muttered, "Yeah, I guess." I stared out the window, chewing on my nail as she asked me how my week was. The last thing I wanted to discuss was my week, when the only thing that had consumed my every thought for those seven days was in fact with my douche of a brother at that very moment.

She smiled, softly saying, "I would also like to apologize to you, for you thinking I meant anything presumptuous my statement last week. It was not my intent." I nodded, appreciative of her apology, but kept quiet.

"Edward, you seem very agitated this afternoon. Is there something specific bothering you that you would like to discuss?" I immediately stop bouncing my knee.

Yeah, but not with you, Nosy.

I huffed, still casting my gaze on the front entrance of the tiny shopping center, which they had nerve even calling such a place a "mall." Two lower end department stores and like, ten smaller chain stores does not constitute a shopping extravaganza by any means.

A good twenty minutes of nonsensical small talk was exchanged before she said, "You are definitely distracted today. Normally you are passively indifferent." She uttered the observation, almost as if I weren't in the room. Her eyebrows furrowed in thought. "Remember, Edward, everything you say is confidential, and I am here to help you, not judge you or…"

Before she could complete the sentence on her bullshit undying loyalty, I spewed out, "My brother and I like the same girl, and I am irritated because they are together right now…in the stupid mall across the street and I'm frustrated because of my… situation."

I think her heart stopped.

If she were a robot, she would have definitely short-circuited with sparks and little bursts of flames and shit coming from her wiring. With wide eyes, her back straightened up in the leather chair, as her pen began to fly over her legal pad with a weird whooshing sound. I had never given her so much as a complete sentence before, never mind something as informative as what I had just uttered in one mouthful. "Would you care to elaborate on that frustration?"

"Uh, well, I think it stems from the fact that he can like, be her boyfriend and I can't." My reply was curt and matter of fact. Her pen continued to glide in short clipped strokes.

Without looking up she added, "I can definitely empathize with that frustration. Why don't think you can be her boyfriend?"

My eyebrows raised in question as I stared at her incredulously. "I can't touch her. How am I supposed to be her boyfriend if I can't even hold her hand?"

"I see," she said, pausing her writing. She tapped her pen on the paper thoughtfully. "Now, I am going to ask this, not as an innuendo or and insinuation or anything other than a simple question, alright? So you feel that in order to have a meaningful relationship with a female, physical contact is a necessary factor, am I correct?"

Shrugging my shoulders, I responded, "Well yes, because when there is no physical contact, that sort of negates the girl part in the word girlfriend, leaving only the word, friend."

Duh, stupid. Who gave you a license?

She nodded. "Do you think this young woman wouldn't have any interest in you, if you were only friends?"

"I don't know. But I mean, why would she want me as a friend when she can have more with Jasper?" I looked at her as if she had three heads.

Her eyebrow rose as she struggled to understand. "Jasper is a better fit for her because he can touch her?"

"No, I'm not saying that at all. He's a dick to girls in general, and I think I'm a hell of a lot better suited for Bella than he is, as far as interests and personalities go. But yeah, he can kiss her and shit…stuff. Sorry." She waved her hand dismissively, urging me to continue. "Plus, he's had an actual girlfriend before, and he knows what to do with one. I am clueless in that department." I scowled, thinking how much I had admitted to her, and how much it really did feel better to talk about my feelings and shit. "And also because.…" Fuck.

"Because…? Continue, Edward. You're doing great," she said, composing herself as to not emote too much enthusiasm at my sudden openness.

"I owe him," I said quietly, as I looked down at my hands, fidgeting with the seams on my jeans.

She looked directly at me, and her eyes softened with her voice. "Would you care to elaborate on that?"

I bit the inside of my cheek so hard I felt blood. "Right after everyone found out about what happened, his girlfriend Emily, had come over one afternoon and Jazz ran out to get condoms, I think. So she and I were alone in the house. She was afraid of me. I had hung out with her and our friends countless times before that, but she was fucking… trembling when she saw me." I felt my voice crack, as my lip quivered at the memory of her face, fearful and wide eyed, like I was truly going to hurt her.

"Her parents wouldn't let Emily see Jasper anymore after that. They snuck around for a few weeks, but eventually, she just didn't want to have anything to do with him at all because of me. He was devastated." I couldn't even look at her, as I casually wiped an escaped tear while I ground my palm into my forehead.

"And you feel you owe him a girlfriend for this?" she asked, nudging the box of tissues toward me. Her voice was pitched an octave higher, possibly indicating disbelief.

"It's my fault she broke up with him. How else am I supposed to repay him?" I ignored the tissues strictly out of pride, but really wanted one.

"Have you apologized?"

"Yeah, only about a hundred times…to him and my whole family."

"Well then, there you go. She made the choice to leave him. Yes, it may have been in relation to something that happened to you, but it was her choice in the end, and no fault of yours. Other members of your family were affected by this? Would you explain?"

"My father lost half the patients in his practice, my mom lost a multi-million dollar client and any future referrals, Emmett lost…well, Jasper and Emmett lost everything when we moved. It was my entire fault. And none of them are really all that happy here, so that's my fault, too. I don't deserve a girl like Bella. I should be punished, not given rewards."

"But Edward, if you continue to maintain your innocence in the matter, than how can you consider any of this your fault?" She stopped writing and stared at me.

"Because if I had just lied everything would have been fine."

The session ended when the timer on her desk buzzed, startling us both. She looked upon me proudly, similar to the way my mother often did, realizing that in like three months of saying absolutely nothing, I had given her the motherload in one day. "Edward, this was a very productive session, and I hope we can continue this discussion further next Tuesday. Have a good week."

I muttered goodbye and left, feeling raw and vulnerable, exposed. Truthfully, I walked out of her office with a hint of reprieve. It wasn't nearly as awful as I had imagined, talking to her about my feelings and shit. Carlisle was right, it was a waste of time for the both of us if I continued to sit there and sulk. At least I could make the most of my sentence, and maybe I would actually benefit from the therapy.

I called Bella the second I entered the elevator, and when her voice hit my ear I sighed relief at the instant comfort of it. I realized that it was the first time I had ever spoken on the phone with her, and I felt almost nostalgic, like it should be documented or something.

I met them in front of The Gap. They both wore smiles and carried shopping bags, and none of my worst fears came to fruition. They weren't holding hands, or gazing adoringly at each other, and Bella wasn't wearing his jacket nor was she adorned with any new jewelry that he could have purchased her in my absence. In fact, I think Bella may have been happy to see me.

"Jeeez, you look spent! Tough lesson?" she asked, staring at my obviously emotionally battered face.

I shrugged my shoulders, running a palm over my eyes, muttering, "Just tired."

"Oh, well we waited for you to go in here," she said, gesturing to the store in front of us. "Jasper said The Gap gets you excited." She bit her lip smothering a smirk, before spinning around to enter the store. It pissed me off that she and Jasper had some inside joke or something about me.

"What the fuck does that mean?" I asked Jasper as we walked inside.

He shrugged. "I was joking around that this place was like a sanctuary for you, with all the shirts folded neatly and color coded, everything so organized and shit." I looked at him skeptically, because while that was all true, Bella used the word 'excited' not 'relaxed'. He veered off to the tee shirts, while I stood in the center of the store, breathing in deeply.

It smells like her in here.

And I felt myself getting hard, almost like a Pavlovian response to olfactory stimuli. She was at the perfume display, spraying bottles into the air with little spurts of mist flying about her. I held back, watching her from a distance as I casually looked through a stack of plain non-zippering hoodies without really paying attention to anything but Bella. While shifting the wood in my pants awkwardly and trying to be discreet about it, I noticed a gangly blonde sales guy eyefucking her.

Don't make me come over there, Gangly Dude.

I may look like a pretty little fairy, but I fight like a bad mother fucker.

Completely ignoring the stares of the stupid douche, she gathered three bottles, a large and small perfume along with a tube of perfumed lotion. Bella turned, dumping them on the counter with a few words to the clerk before she headed down another aisle.

I slipped off my jacket, trying on a light gray hoodie with the store logo sewn into the front. While skillfully directing the opening around my hair as I pulled it off, I realized she was standing just a few feet away…staring at my right bicep.

"I didn't know you had a tattoo. What is…"

Abruptly, with my heart beating out of my chest, I pulled my shirt sleeve down far enough to completely cover the black ink. "Nothing…it's stupid. I should never have gotten it." I tossed the hoodie back into the neat pile in a heap, and cringed, because it was almost committing the crime of all crimes in the mind of an anal retentive person to not put something back in its original proper condition. And also, because I snapped at her yet again.

I did not want her to see the ink on my arm; a constant reminder of the night my life abruptly changed as well as the way my old life was, and the person I used to be.

Hint taken and tattoo temporarily forgotten, Bella said, "I like the green one. The color makes your eyes look…gaspy." She smiled, and looked down at the sweatshirt.

Gaspy?

I suppose that was compliment. I didn't normally wear things so casual, but the winter was coming and it would be fuck all cold smoking and watching a certain beautiful girl from my balcony. I looked at her nervously touching each of the sweatshirts, with an almost blush on her face.

"Yeah?" I said, "So, you like the color green?"

"You have no idea how much I like the color green." She bit her lip flirtatiously looking at me under her lashes before she skirted away suddenly, toward a display of hats and gloves. Noticing Jasper on the other side of the store flirting shamelessly with a blonde salesgirl, I scooped up a hoodie, green of course, and followed her.

While I was no authority in relationships, sexual experiences, or even girls as a whole, I was adept to recognize that she was trying to tell me something.

I think Bella was trying to tell me she likes me. Was it possible?

I watched in silent awe as Bella slipped on a newsboy hat, gray with a little bow on the band. Her lips were pursed as she admired herself in the mirror, and I imagined that was the face she put on at night when she tried on her outfits. She looked fucking adorable in it, but I didn't really know how to say so without sputtering and vomiting all over her shoes.

"What do you think?" she asked. "My mom bought me a little pea coat this would look so cute with, but I'm not sure if it is the same shade of gray."

I laughed out loud, because I too, had a gray pea coat. She switched to a soft black beret with a small rose on the thick band. "Too French?" she asked.

I shook my head, no. "It goes with your stupid erasers. I like them both. Look, there are gloves too." I pulled the matching gloves off the shelf, carefully handing them to her. She slipped one on her tiny hand, the other hanging still attached by the tag.

Bella turned back, reaching on her tip toes to pull a hat off a higher shelf. It was a white baseball hat, imprinted with a non-descript hunter green design. Still on her toes, she held the hat by the brim, moving to place it on my head. Instinctively, I flinched backward a few inches.

"Don't worry," she said softly, as she held the hat paused in midair. "I won't touch you." Stunned by her words, and even more so by her observation, I moved back toward her tentatively, as she placed the baseball hat on my head. She pursed her lips as she cocked her head to the side, before she reached back up, sliding the brim around to the back.

"Perfect," she whispered. As her wrist passed my nose, I realized at that moment, she was so damn close to me, never touching my skin or hair, but close enough to feel her body heat and smell the freshly sprayed perfume on her warm skin. Our mouths were inches apart, and it took all the restraint I had not to lean forward to brush my lips against hers.

Jasper called out, "Hey guys, you almost done. I'm starving."

I quickly checked my hair in the mirror making sure it still was in its organized chaos while thinking almost obsessively about the fact that Bella had noticed I didn't allow her to touch me. It fucking ate at me, because she thought I didn't want her to, as she had no idea that it was because I couldn't. How was I going to tell her the truth about me?

The three of us waited on line to pay for our items as we decided sushi was the most appealing of the dinner options. I warred with myself about paying for Bella's hat and gloves and the perfumes she had behind the counter, but I thought it would be weird and awkward, so I didn't. I purchased the green hoodie and the baseball hat for myself, and I took Bella's small bag from her, slipping it into my larger shopping bag. If I couldn't hold her hand, or slip my arm around her waist, I could hold her bags.

It was something a boyfriend would do.

It was a start.

We got about halfway down the main aisle of the mall when I tossed my keys to Jasper, telling them both that I forgot something and to wait in the car for me. I hightailed it back to The Gap, pulling the bottle of Bella's lotion that I had memorized the name of off the shelf and the black beret and gloves she'd decided against because she didn't have enough money on her. Lastly, I grabbed a small hunter green hoodie, just like the one I had bought for myself. I paid quickly, dashing outside before I tucked my purchases into the trunk and slid into my already warmed up car.

Hopefully, at some point I would find a way to give the things to her, as a simple token of the affection that I was not able to give to her physically. And hopefully, she wouldn't think I was insane for doing it.

Everything that is, except the perfumed lotion…

That was mine...

~%~