Chapter 12~ Heartlines

I'm desperate for changing

Starving for truth

I'm closer to where I started

I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you

Letting go of all I've held onto

I'm standing here until you make me move

I'm hanging by a moment here with you

LifeHouse ~Hanging By A Moment

~Bella~

Edward blew me a kiss last night...he told me I was the prettiest girl at the party AND he wasn't gay.

Life was awesome.

I was choosing to ignore the part about the reason for him not having a girlfriend being "complicated." Complicated? WTF? That was not what I wanted to hear, Edward. I stared blankly at my Google search bar.

It taunted me…

Edward Masen…type it…E-D-W-A-R-D space M-A-S-E-N…come on, Bella, you know you want to know all about him…find out exactly what was so complicated…

My hand shook as I typed the first three letters of his name. And then my phone rang, which I took as a divine intervention, a sign from the big guy in the clouds to stop searching for answers.

Mom and I chatted while I slathered on theatrical style make up, big red lips, rosy cheeks, lots of blue eye shadow and a thick coat of mascara. I told her all about the things I had been up to, mentioning Edward briefly, leaving out the part where I was head over heels in love. She didn't need to know all the particulars. Besides, I knew she spoke to Charlie, and the last thing I needed was for him to realize that his daughter was canoodling with the next door neighbor. Canoodling? Was I in fact, canoodling? Well whatever it was that I was or wasn't doing, Charlie knew I was hanging out with the Cullen boys, but I think he too, thought Edward was gay. It was a small town and small minded people talk.

I typed in Snow White instead, just to get some background info on the chick and her little dudes as well as a refresher on the story. I couldn't remember if there was a mirror or a pumpkin in this one. Apparently all the pot smoking was doing its job on my memory.

Poison apple. Magic Mirror. Wicked Witch. Prince Charming. Dwarfs. Hi ho Hi ho and all that shit.

But I was glad I did my research because I knew ahead of time to curl and tuck my hair up to make it look shorter avoiding having to wear the itchy, stinky wig. I slipped a red ribbon onto my head and looked in the mirror. I looked like a prim and proper teenage drag queen.

Once I got to Port Angeles in record time, I changed in the little room in back and tucked my clipboard with directions and information under my arm. I swished to my car in the shiny acetate dress, narrowly avoiding breaking my ankle in a huge pothole by the garage. Jake's shop was closed on Sundays, but I would have liked to see him again, regardless.

As I drove to Sea Cliff Lane, I pondered how princesses drove their little sports cars with these ridiculously long dresses on. Then I realized that was the reason they rode in pumpkin carriages not little sports cars because, seriously, how the hell was a princess expected to navigate a friggin road with this stupid collar thing? Now I knew how those poor dogs felt, when they had to wear that silly lampshade looking cone apparatus after they got their balls chopped off.

Admittedly, I was a bit nervous when I pulled up to the house. I had no idea what I was going to do with these kids, but I was armed with treats and songs and if none of that worked, I would bop them on the heads with my wand so hard they would all pass out and I could make a quick escape out the back exit. Okay, so maybe that wasn't exactly the best laid plan.

Snow White didn't have a wand.

The little girl's name was Macy and she was five. She had originally requested Barbie but that hot bitch was already booked. So I was second choice Snow White. I was immediately greeted by the family's 120 pound fur ball who felt the need to smell my freshly washed crotch...repeatedly. I stood there mortified, wishing I really had a wand so I could boink him on top of the head.

"Just ignore Max. He likes pretty girls." An older man, handsome in dad kind of way politely extended his hand to me, while the other held Max, the insatiable crotch sniffer by his collar. "Hi. I'm Frank, Macy's grandfather...and you are?"

Remembering the number one rule, "always stay in character because you never know where the birthday girl is," I curtsied and introduced myself. "Thank you for coming to my aid, Kind Sir. I am Snow White. Pleased to make your acquaintance." I smiled that big cheesy smile that Billy reminded me to put on while I held out my hand for him to shake. Walt Disney would be so proud. "I hear Macy is having a birthday today. Might you know where she is, Kind Sir?"

Grampa Frank raised his eyebrows at me. I could practically see the porno running through his mind. Frank was not your typical grandpa. He was probably not that much older than my father and he was definitely swoon worthy in a Kevin Costner /GILF kind of way. Instead of shaking my hand he kissed it, to my discomfited horror. I scurried my way through the large kitchen to where I could hear the kids playing.

I found Macy dressed like a mini Snow White and sat her on my lap. In my bag I had a special present for her- a magic mirror and a candied apple, which she squealed and beamed when she spied them. So far so good.

I told the kids the story of Snow White as animated and sing -songy as I could manage, and then finished by naming all the kids after the dwarfs. The problem arose when I realized there were 10 kids and only 7 dwarfs.

Holy Shit…what do I call these extra kids?

One of the boys was older and was bossing his little sister around so he became Bossy. His sister was crying, so she became Whiney and the last little guy was in desperate need of a diaper change so I dubbed him Stinky.

We marched around the house singing Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work we go. Some of the parents joined my G-rated conga line. Grandpa Frank shoved Macy out of the way and latched onto my waist, continuing to whisper about himself in my ear. Seems Grandpa Frank was a divorced attorney with stock in Viagra. Wonderful. A horny, rich, erectile dysfunctional stalker with a teenage Snow White fetish. Just my luck.

He was NOT the Prince Charming I had in mind.

I took a bite of my "poisonous" apple and in a flash, was into an Oscar worthy reproduction of a fainting Snow White awaiting her Prince Charming's rescue. With my hand backward over my forehead and swaying, I landed on the couch with a thud. I could hear the kids yelling, "Kiss Her! Kiss Her!" I was as still as I could be while I waited for the mayhem that was bound to happen.

Bossy said, "I'm not kissing her," his arms crossed in a defiant huff. Doc came over to take a peek, then Dopey. Grumpy and Sleepy hedged into the forming circle as Bashful and Grandpa inched closer in. I opened an eye realizing that no one was planning on kissing me, which kind of killed the whole theatrical scene. As soon Stinky climbed up on my lap and proceeded to hump my leg, I thought okay, close enough. I was upright before Grampy began mouth-to-mouth.

We cut the elaborate magic mirror shaped cake and took about a bazillion pictures. I helped Macy pass out her treat bags, which when I realized there were extras, I swiped one and shoved it discreetly into my bag. Then, I ooohhed and ahhhhed at the appropriate moments as she opened her gifts. Her mom pulled me aside, apologized for her capricious father and handed me a check for my services telling me I was fantastic. On top of the check was a stack of bills that I assumed were my tips. I thanked her and hugged Macy goodbye, wishing her a Happy Birthday and telling her to wish on a star for her Prince Charming.

If it were that easy, mine wouldn't be afraid to kiss me.

As I was leaving, Grampa Frank slipped a business card in my hand and told me to call him if I ever needed anything. Then I noticed the fifty-dollar bill tucked in there. The stack of tips I received from Macy's mom totaled sixty seven dollars, and with Grampa Perv's tip on top of my cut from Billy, I had made two hundred and seventeen dollars for one hour of work.

Apparently Snow White knew how to shake 'em down.

I drove back to Billy's, beeping my horn at the kids that waved to me out of the back seats of their parent's mini vans. My mind wondered to Edward, thinking what he would do if I pulled up next to him at a light.

I was daydreaming about last night when he told me I was the prettiest girl at the party and blew me my kiss. I wish I could have done something a little less cheesy than pretending to grab the kiss and press it to my lips. However, he seemed to have gotten the message. I watched him walk home from my kitchen window and I could have sworn I saw him smiling to himself. I was probably just tired and letting my imagination run wild. Edward was certainly the sexiest, most mysterious boy I had ever met and I really, really wanted to see him in Prince Charming outfit, kiss me awake and make all my dreams come true.

Okay, maybe not with the tights, though.

I changed back to jeans and a sweater, scrubbed the horrible make up off my face and met my father and Maggie for dinner at a local seafood restaurant right on the pier. Outside on the harbor, the rain had started, leaving the water rippled in mesmerizing concentric circles. I ordered the bisque and crab cakes and squeaked when my phone buzzed with a text from Edward. Dad looked annoyed and Maggie smirked, knowing my reaction could only mean that the text was from a boy.

How did it go?

Great. Made $217. No 1 puked on me.

LOL. Awesome. Missed you in the TH today.

Really? Nice 2 B missed.

C U 2morrow.*wink*

Not if I CU first *wink*

My dad cleared his throat all irritated, as I rolled my eyes, shoving the phone back in my purse. We talked about the Homecoming party and how the police were called, because Charlie had to remind me that he still had connections, as if I were some hoodlum and my actions necessitated warning. Puhleeeease.

The next day at school I was sort of floating. I was wearing my new plaid skirt which was way too short and a fuzzy pink sweater. I felt like a slutty Catholic School third grader, but I got a ton of compliments on the outfit so I figured it was a hit. Edward and I gave each other weird looks in English, like we were little kids who just discovered a big secret.

Then he stared at me while I was in the lunch line, and I felt so self-conscious about it. I carefully orchestrated my every move as to not do something ridiculous while his eyes were fixated on me. At the table, Rose excitedly gave every single detail of Emmett's over the top display and proudly winked telling us that holding out was the key to wrapping a man around your finger. Apparently Alice was taking tips from Rose now too, as she had begun to completely ignore Jasper.

This should be interesting.

By seventh period, Edward and I were alone, finally able to have a conversation. I was tremendously relieved that there was no awkwardness between us.

When he asked me to spend the day with him in Port Angeles I almost had a seizure. I mean, he was asking me on a date, right? What the hell was I going to wear? I wondered where he would take me and if maybe, just maybe, he would attempt to hold my hand or dare I even wish, kiss me?

He asked me to join him for a cigarette outside, and I really wanted to, but in truth I wanted to get my homework done and I was too giddy to even speak. Practically bouncing in my seat, I pulled out my phone to text Alice and Rose with my stupendous news. As I was typing, I overheard a familiar voice swoon over Edward as he passed her table.

"Oh my God, he's so fucking hot." I rolled my eyes and leaned forward to see who it was. Makenna was giggling and fanning herself animatedly.

I knew she had a thing for him!

"Who, Cullen?" A tall kid named Sam asked with mild disgust. "He's a fucking homo."

"So, he's a hot homo," Jessica added, slouching in her seat with her slutty leg on the table. "Have you seen his ass? Hell-lo..." I wrinkled my nose at their comments, the anger beginning to boil up inside of my chest. Who did they think were?

Royce, Sam's ugly pimple faced wingman spat, "Yeah and you know what's been in that ass? Another guy's dick. Fucking nasty." They all groaned and I watched Lauren toss her note book across the table at Royce.

"Hey, you know why Edward's hair is all messed up like that? Because his boyfriend runs his hands through it when Cullen's on his knees sucking dick." All the girls shrieked while Sam pushed his hips forward a few times, pretending to have sex with the air.

My ears were red and I was just about to get up and say something when Makenna said softly, "I don't think he's gay. He hangs out with Bella Swan."

Jessica giggled, "That's cause she's his Fag Hag." They laughed hysterically as if it was the funniest thing they ever heard.

I. Was. Pissed.

Then Lauren said, "Has anyone ever even seen him with a girl other than Bella? I never have. And at the party Saturday, Edward was like, beating those guys up for that exchange student kid. Maybe that kid is his boyfriend or something."

Jessica gasped clapping her hands together, "Oooh Oooh, did you see him with Emmett? He was like hugging him and kissing Edward's cheek and stuff. I was right there by the keg, I saw him do it!"

"Emmett's his brother, you idiot," Sam scoffed. I rose, gathering my belongings in my shaking hands.

"So? Aren't they like, step brothers? No blood relation, so maybe they all fuck each other. Edward, Jasper and Emmett in a gay love triangle with Bella watching from her convertible." Lauren had so much acid in her tone it infuriated me. I wasn't exactly warm to her upon my arrival back in Forks, but I had known her my whole life practically. I did nothing to deserve this treatment, and either did any of the Cullen boys, particularly Edward.

"Well, I don't know for sure about anyone else but trust me, Jasper is not gay," Makenna said softly.

By that point I was seething. I swung my backpack over my shoulder and clutched my purse to my chest. My heart was beating at what felt like a million beats a second as I skirted around the table, through the arched entryway out of the little alcove our table was nestled in. As soon as Makenna saw my face, her mouth hung open and she dropped her gaze to the table, like a child caught doing something terribly naughty. I stared them down for a minute with narrowed eyes as all of their banter quieted down and their deflated gazes lifted to meet mine. They were all looking so uncomfortable and guilty and they made me sick.

I no longer had control over my actions. I wanted to lunge across the table and I would have, except that my skirt was so damn short.

"Why don't you all just shut the fuck up?" I spat venomously.

"Aww, look the Fag Hag is defending her queer boy," Sam chuckled darkly, cocking his head to the side. If I were closer, I would have hit him in the mouth. "Hey tell me, is he the girl in his relationships or the guy?"

Through gritted teeth I sneered, "You are all a bunch of assholes, you know that? Edward is not gay."

"Are you sleeping with him?" Lauren asked with a cocky, all knowing tone.

Without thinking, I said it. "It's my fingers that are messing up his hair while he's doing it with me. So how about you all just shut the hell up about stuff you know nothing about because you all sound unbelievably stupid."

They stared at me incredulously, as I held a smug little smile on my face, the picture of calm and confident. Inside I was pissing myself. I did not do well with confrontation, and in fact, I pretty much did anything in my power to avoid it. That is actually what led to my very first panic attack when I had confronted Bree and Chelsea and ended up in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack.

But here and now, someone was messing with my boy, and I wasn't having anyone talking shit about him. Not now, not ever. I had had enough of that in California.

The five of their faces fell, pale and silent, clearly put in their place, as I cocked an eyebrow, turning to walk away. I had no idea where all that came from, but apparently it was hidden somewhere inside of me waiting to rage out.

I turned on my heel, taking long strides out of the library with trembling legs. Once I got to the nearby empty back stairwell, I collapsed against the wall, breathing hard as I wiped the thin layer of sweat of my forehead. As I slumped down to the floor, I realized that this time was very different from the others. Instead of the familiar feeling of being disconnected and overwhelmed with fear, a rush of adrenaline surged through my veins and my skin and my entire central nervous system making me feel like I had been woken up after a very long sleep. I was proud and triumphant and I felt like a hero.

Practically flying down the stairs as fast as my legs would carry me, I wove in and out of the meandering mass of bodies toward the girl's locker room.

Alice was already there standing in a very ornate blue lace bra and matching panty set and I briefly wondered if she always wore such elaborate undergarments to school. Plopping down on the bench beside her, I spoke animatedly with my hands while spewing out the entire scene. For most people it wouldn't have been a big deal, but for me it was a true accomplishment that resulted in victory.

Rose and Angela came in halfway through the telling demanding a verbal repeat in which Alice did in one long high pitched breath. I swear I heard dogs howling in the distance. I must have transferred my exuberance through osmosis like because she looked like she was ready to climb the walls. Rose and Angela looked upon me with similar gleams reflecting in their eyes- ones of sisterly pride and awe. When the four of us entered the gym, (I may have flittered in like a ballerina), my eyes caught Edward's immediately as he and all of the boys were resigned to sit on the bleachers for a lecture.

He smirked and nodded at me when I waved and it was as if Edward and I had a secret that no one else knew. I had defended his honor, protected him from the harsh and hateful words of his peers and came to his rescue like a valiant knight. Okay so, maybe it should be the other way around, but at the moment it was all semantics.

And he was taking me on a date Wednesday to top it all off.

I smiled at him widely while spiking a volley over the net with unbridled enthusiasm and actually scoring for the first time ever in the history of my Phys Ed career. He shot me a surprised look, and then winked at my success. I wanted to run to him and hug him as tightly as I could.

I told them, Edward. I did it for you!

I was high, flying. When the bell rang, we changed into our clothes. I couldn't wait to get outside to talk to Edward and tell him what happened. I left the girls, telling Alice I would meet her outside at my car. Angela joined me as we walked together through the double exit doors.

I spotted Edward immediately, leaning against his car with a hint of gray smoke whirling above his beautiful head. He was talking to Mike with Jasper standing at his side. Even from the distance I was at, I could plainly see that they both wore perplexed expressions, and Edward's mouth suddenly twisted into what looked like an angry snarl. His eyes flickered up, meeting mine briefly, before he focused back on Mike.

"See you tomorrow, Bella!" Angela called as Ben caught her by the waist. I waved good bye, still smiling, as I walked closer to Edward. Something was wrong, very wrong. Edward's eyes met mine again and narrowed into tiny little slits as his lips parted. I could see his teeth bared as he glared at me, scornful, malicious, and surprisingly frightening. The look stunned me frozen to the pavement as I felt all the color drain from my face and my heart began to beat erratically.

Almost as if in slow motion, his hands balled into fists at his sides as he pushed through the crowd of people stalking toward me with his teeth gritted and his nostrils flared.

I suddenly felt very, very small and very, very insignificant.

He stopped short just a few inches away from me, his proximity startling. "What the fuck did you say to Royce and Sam?" His words cut like glass; so venomous, yet eerily controlled and soft spoken. He was quiet enough that he did not make a scene. We were simply two people talking in a high school parking lot.

My mouth opened but only a faint wheeze seeped out before I managed to stutter. "I um…I said… your hair was messy because I ran my hands through it when..." Oh my god. "When we had sex." The last part was barely audible. I realized immediately how awful it sounded, and how ashamed I was suddenly for putting Edward into this situation unwillingly. It never even once occurred to me that he would be upset about it.

"And why the fuck would you say that?" His pale green eyes were so intense now, I couldn't bear to look into them any longer, yet I was too intimidated to look away.

"Because they were saying that you were gay and that…"

He cut me off. "What, so you think because I admit to you I'm not gay you have to right to fucking tell people we're sleeping together? What makes you think for a fucking second that I need some girl to preserve my reputation?"

"They called me a fag hag!" I screeched, having nothing coherent in my brain to offer. The all too familiar dreaded feeling of impending doom lingered on the fringe of my consciousness, waiting for the precise moment to flood all of my senses with its angry wrath.

He nodded his head slowly with this crazy, sardonic smile across his face. "So you were protecting your own reputation? You have no fucking idea what you just did. Not a clue what this could do to me… Fuck Bella! You should have just kept your mouth shut, goddammit."

"I'm sorry E…" I said, as my lip quivered. I felt my breathing catch and a thick lump form in my throat as my chest grew suddenly tight as a stretched rubber band. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…" I whispered, my body trembling and tears pricking my eyes. Instinctively I reached out to touch his arm.

Edward snatched his arm away, sneering, "Don't ever fucking touch me." Then he turned away from me angrily, walking in long strides back to his car, where he yelled for Jasper to get in.

I remained frozen in the parking lot when the panic struck hard. All I could hear were voices swimming around me and the rhythmic sound of my heart thumping loudly in my ears and I was suddenly profusely sweating and clawing at the neck of my sweater because it felt like it was choking me. I gasped for air, only I couldn't catch my breath. I felt disconnected and displaced from my body. I realized Alice was at my side, tugging on my arm to move out of the way of the cars trying to get past me. I never heard the blaring horns or Alice's pleas to get out of the street, just the harsh words spoken by the boy I was so crazy about.

Edward pulled out of the parking spot in a flash, leaving me with a brief glimpse of his angry face staring straight ahead while Jasper looked at me through the passenger window with his hands up as if to say, What the fuck, Bella?

The tears began to stream down my face as Alice dragged me to my car. My knees buckled in between the crappy little Toyota next to my Audi, while I placed my palms on the cold metal for support as I sunk down to the pavement. I couldn't breathe...gasping, choking…trying to find my bearings. Alice was frantic, trembling with fright as she kneeled in front of me while searching in her bag for her phone. When I realized she was calling an ambulance, I smacked her hand away breathing out, "Panic attack… no hospital."

She rubbed my back for what seemed like forever, as the parking lot eventually cleared out and my bare knees were burning from the gravel digging into my skin. My fingers and toes had gone numb, a result of the shallow breaths I was gasping in fruitlessly trying to fill my lungs. My face was tear stained and I felt broken, exhausted and ashamed.

I asked Alice to drive home, while I rode out the end of the attack. She asked me repeatedly what happened and I could only manage the words, "He hates me...he hates me." Alice called Edward a bunch of derogatory names as she held my hand the whole way home. "Don't call him a Fucktard, Al. He didn't do anything, I did," I said, still defending him.

I made it to the door, keys in my still trembling hand, glancing toward the Cullen home. Edward was on the front step, with his head between his knees while Esme crouched down in front of him and Jasper sort of pacing next to them. Edward looked up quickly at the same time Jasper turned around and I stepped through the door before I could break down again. I went straight to the kitchen cupboard where I kept my Prozac and my Xanax prescription, spilling out a handful of pills into my palm. I took one Xanax, replacing the rest and washed my face.

I paced the floor in front of the couch occasionally peeking out the window towards Edward's house. When they had finally gone inside I changed into a warm pair of sweats, and sunk into the couch, waiting for the relief of the little pill to kick in. I needed to talk to Edward, otherwise it would eat away at me slowly until I was burning on the inside from the anguish. I had to right this wrong I made. I had to fix this…somehow make it all better, make Edward like me again.

When I felt comfortably numb and relatively sure that I wouldn't have a relapse, I made my way out the back door, across the yard and tentatively down the path to the tree house where I figured Edward would be smoking. I was so nervous, and petrified at what his reaction would be, that I almost turned around. But when I climbed the ladder, the tree house was empty, no sign that anyone had been there since Edward and I were huddled in there Saturday night. The blanket was folded neatly with the bag on M&M's sitting on top of it, just as Edward had left it. I couldn't bear to be in there all alone, so I climbed back down, debating whether to go over to the house and face him.

I sat on the swing in the same spot I had been when Edward told me all about his mother and father, kicking all the little colored candies that I had thrown at Edward after he sang. He trusted me with the information about his life, his past, his truths and secrets and I betrayed him. I hurt him and for whatever reason, inadvertently telling people that I had been sexually intimate with him had done something terrible to him. I had no idea what to do.

Time passed slowly, as the sky deepened in color and the chilled air dropped down further. I was lost, and numb and I didn't care about that fact that I was cold and very hungry or that I was depleted from the panic attack, and the adrenaline rush and the frighteningly stark dissolution of one emotion to another. I barely heard the leaves rustling underfoot from the direction of my house. When I looked up, Jasper was standing a few feet away, looking very sad.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asked, walking closer to me. I nodded my head and immediately burst into tears. Without a word, Jasper pulled me up to stand, wrapping his arms around me. I drew in his embrace like a sponge, desperately needing the contact and the comfort he was giving me. His hand caressed the back of my head, running his fingers through my hair, as I buried my face in his brown leather jacket. He smelled like cologne and boy and he was warm, so warm. I sobbed into his chest while his hand stayed at the back of my head.

Finally, I said on a choked whisper, "He's really mad, huh?"

Jasper said, "Yeah, he's pissed. On the way home he had a fucking panic attack and he had to pull over so I could drive."

I pulled away from Jasper's chest wiping my hand over my eyes. "He had a panic attack?" Jasper nodded. I knew he said Edward had anxiety, but it never occurred to me that he had panic attacks.

"What the hell happened?" he asked. I explained word for word what was said in the library, feeling badly about getting Makenna involved. Jasper barely flinched when I told him what she had said about Edward to begin with, so I assumed he really didn't care about her all that much. I told Jasper that I did it out of genuine friendship and that I didn't want anyone spreading vicious lies about Edward or his family. It had all come out so fast in the library that it never even occurred to me that Edward would have a problem with it.

Jasper held onto my arms, still trying to comfort me. "Jasper, he said I had fucked things up so badly for him. He didn't even let me explain why I said it. I'm so sorry. I had no idea. But what does that even mean?"

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Bella, Edward had something really shitty happen to him back in Chicago. He was…" His hands covered his eyes and he shook his head. "He's completely fucked up because of what happened. Everything in his life changed. He's angry and whatever, but I don't think he should have gotten that mad at you. You didn't know. But he's got a really bad temper and he over reacts sometimes."

"The thing in Chicago, does it have anything to do with a girl?" I asked. When he nodded slowly, the tears came bursting out again in heaving sobs that I couldn't find the will to control. All of the effects of heightened emotion from the afternoon and then the sudden letdown came crashing over me. I moved closer to Jasper longing for the comfort he was freely offering. The Xanax sort of made me feel a little high and inhibited, which is why I think it was so easy for me to cry in front of him.

Edward had a girlfriend. He won't touch me because of her.

Jasper whispered, "Bella, don't cry. He's not worth it."

I looked up at him in shock, fat, salty tears rolling down my cheeks. "Yes he is. How could you say that? He's your brother?"

"I just mean it's not your fault and you shouldn't get so worked up over his mood swings. He'll be over it tomorrow, once he sets the record straight with whomever he needs to." Jasper pulled back minutely, touching his fingers to my face. They moved from my cheek, past my ear to the nape of my neck and before I even knew what was happening, his lips brushed mine. For a fraction of a second, his lips parted and met mine before I pulled away.

"Jasper…" I ducked my head, looking down at my shoes. "Jasper, don't…I can't."

"It's because you like him, don't you? You really like him?" He groaned, running his hands through his hair again. "Bella, Edward can't be your boyfriend. He's too fucked up to be what you want him to be. He's just going to hurt you with the truth. I'm sorry. He's my brother and I love him, but that's the reality."

I stood staring down at my hands, knowing I'd almost kissed my oldest friend's love and the brother of the boy I would do anything for. What a mess I had made.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, Bella. You reminded me so much of Emily, I just didn't think." Jasper embraced me one more time, but my body stayed ridged against him now.

"Thank you for listening, Jasper. I'm so tired. I'll see you…whenever, kay?" I broke free from his grasp, not meeting his gaze as I walked slowly up the path to my house. He called after me, but I just waved without looking at him.

I fell asleep in my clothes, curled in a ball underneath the covers, too numb to cry, too upset to think and too frustrated to stay awake.

I woke just after noon the next day. I lay in bed staring at the ceiling for a long time, replaying the conversation in the library, the confrontation with Edward and Jasper's words. I talked to God a bit, hoping I could get some solace from that. I did not.

I was so distracted and absent, that I dropped my entire bottle of Prozac accidentally into the sink. After I showered, I drove into town, picked up the refill prescription pills and walked around the store like a zombie. An M&M display at the register made me cry. I was depressed, so preoccupied with Edward that I barely remembered I'd promised my father I would make lasagna for dinner. He was really looking forward to it, and though I had no desire at all to cook I though it would probably distract me from everything else.

As soon as I had returned from my trip to the grocery store, Alice came by asking for a ride to work, but since I was in the middle of dinner I just gave her my keys and told her to be careful with my car. She was so grateful she threw her arms around me and kissed my cheek whispering, "You know I love you Bella and you can tell me anything. I wouldn't ever betray your trust."

I couldn't bear to even be alone with her after feeling so guilty about Jasper. This would kill her.

I put on my favorite pink fuzzy slippers, placed my iPod in the docking station and began to prepare the lasagna for dinner. Cooking and preparing the meal kept me physically occupied for the most part, but not for a second did my thoughts stray from what had transpired yesterday. The angry words whispered from Edward's mouth, his expression, of course my horrific panic attack that scared poor Alice…and Jasper's kiss.

Jasper kissed me.

This is bad…so bad.

Pressing my palm to my forehead, I willed the image away while thwarting the residual feelings of his soft lips on mine- and his dejected expression when he understood that it was Edward that I had been hoping would be the one to kiss me.

But Edward was furious with me, apparently he was embarrassed at the idea that I had told Sam, Royce and the Skanky girls that I'd slept with him. And he didn't care one bit that I did it because they were spreading rumors that he was gay even though me sleeping with him wasn't at all true.

He would prefer people think him a homosexual than have them think he had sex with me.

Wow.

Since I'd opened my eyes at the first light of the morning, I had been fidgety and on edge. Right at that moment, I really just wanted to smoke a joint to calm my nerves. Not since the first day of school had I felt like I needed to get high to ease my stress as opposed to wanting to get high just to have fun. Aside from the prescription antidepressants meant to quell my anxiety, and the occasional Xanax after a particularly aggressive panic attack, I didn't like having to rely on anything to get me through a rough patch. I just wasn't that kind of person. Maybe it was because I had associated smoking with hanging out with Edward and Jasper. It really was the most looked forward to and enjoyable part of the week when I was with them.

With him…

But obviously, that wasn't happening ever again. My days of playing in the tree house out back with the boys were done. Edward wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. And Jasper…God, what the hell was I supposed to do about Jasper?

I sighed in frustration as I lifted the long noodles from the boiling water and began to arrange them in neat rows along the bottom of the pan. Intermittently, I stirred the pot of tomato sauce on the stove, occasionally tasting it. It was good, but I had no appetite, even though I had not eaten since lunch the previous afternoon.

Today had been such a shit day. All afternoon long, my heart was racing for no reason and my mind was wheeling with so many fixated thoughts I could barely even comprehend them or control them any longer. I just kept replaying it over and over in my head, obsessing about it as it consumed all of my attention - particularly Jasper's words. "He's fucked up because of what happened. Everything in his life changed and he's angry Bella…"

I knew what it meant. What Jasper neglected to tell me in so many words I easily decoded. Edward been in love and had his heart broken in Chicago, just like Jasper? It would explain so much- why he wouldn't physically touch me, why he was so cold to me, why he made it clear yesterday that he didn't need "some girl" to protect him, why his eyes were always so sad.

All this time I thought he had a fear of being touched. And yes, for a while I did waver on the notion that he may be gay. But I'd never considered that he had been in love before.

Almost an hour later, as I busied myself with cooking dinner and obsessing over Edward, I had completely lost track of time. Just as I slid the tray into the oven, Charlie called from Seattle saying that he was stuck on surveillance and he wouldn't arrive home until late tomorrow night.

Great.

I sighed, my heart feeling the uncomfortable yet all too familiar squeeze of anxiety, reminding me that I hadn't yet taken my pill. I pulled the bottle out of the pharmacy bag and tried fruitlessly to open the foil child safety seal that encased the container. Cursing and muttering under my breath, I grabbed a knife in the drawer attempting to cut the foil open. The knife slipped across the bottle, searing straight through the fleshy part of my palm like I'd meant to filet a chicken breast.

"Fucking shit!"

The blade and the partially unopened bottle dropped to the kitchen floor noisily, as I held my burning palm to my chest. Blood began seeping out of the slice in my hand in a tight line as I examined it, breathing deeply to avoid throwing up and having to deal with another full-fledged panic attack while I bled to death in my own kitchen.

With just a glance at the depth of the cut, I knew from past experience that I would need likely stitches immediately. Frantically, I looked for my keys when I remembered that I had loaned my car to Alice for the night knowing that I would be occupied here with Charlie's dinner. Since he was three hours away, calling him to help would be futile and I would have bled to death by the time he arrived. Rose was supposed to be with her sister in Port Angeles…

Shit…

I thought that I could go over to the Cullen's, but then I would have to face both Edward and Jasper.

I took a quick peek at my hand again, still bleeding profusely all over my white t-shirt. Wrapping a towel around it, I resigned to do the unthinkable. I padded down the street in my stupid fuzzy slippers to the Cullen's house, praying that Esme or Carlisle or Emmett were home and Jasper and Edward were not. I knew Edward had his piano lesson on Tuesday, but it was after six, so he would probably be home by now.

Unfortunately, both Edward's and Jasper's cars were in the driveway.

Shutting my eyes and willing away the nausea, I rapped on the door three times with my good hand, praying silently that if anyone up there loved me, it would be Emmett that answered. The door opened. "Hey, what's up, Tink?"

Emmett. Praise Baby Jesus.

His tone was characteristically playful until his eyes gazed downward at my blood-soaked shirt and he turned a ghastly shade of green.

"What the hell happened? You get stabbed?" I had never heard Emmett's voice so high before.

"I cut my hand with a knife. I think I need stitches, and a ride to the ER… please."

"Dad! Come quick!" he yelled, turning toward the curved staircase. As Emmett's voice boomed through the house, Jasper appeared from the den, his expression horrified and his hand stationary inside of a bag of chips. I could see from across the room that Jasper's mouth was swollen and deeply reddened, a slice of his lip had been bleeding. He had obviously been hit in the mouth.

"What the hell happened to you?" Jasper asked, as he stood frozen in place. I moved my mouth to speak, but couldn't get a word in edgewise because Carlisle bounded across the living room and at the first sight of the blood Esme, ever the doting caring mother, ushered me into their massive kitchen. Carlisle pulled out two chairs from the large table, taking a seat in one as I sat in the other. Jasper stood in silence behind my chair. I could feel him peering over my back at the wound and hissing. It was not helping.

Carlisle pressed a clean towel into my hand applying pressure onto the wound. He gave Esme a verbal list of items to retrieve from his office using technical terms, as he unwrapped the towel to inspect my hand again. "It's deep, but not severe enough to have caused nerve damage. A few stitches will fix you up just fine. How did you do this, Bella?"

"I was trying to open a safety seal on a bottle. I was just really distracted." Carlisle nodded as if he understood.

"Thank you so much for doing this Carlisle. Hey Jasper? What happened to your face?" I asked quietly, not turning around.

"Aww, it's nothing. You should see the other guy," he joked, plainly indicating that he had no intention of elaborating on the subject further.

Once Esme returned armed heavily with supplies, I breathed a sigh of relief as Carlisle took the syringe, filling it and injecting my palm with the numbing agent. I hissed through my teeth as the needle penetrated my palm, stinging terribly, but the numbness spread quickly, warming the area in a painless few seconds. Carlisle mumbled an apology as the liquid drained from the barrel of the syringe into my flesh. I turned my face away from the procedure and hid it in the hand that was resting on the wooden table.

Esme peered over Carlisle's shoulder and whispered, "Oh! You've cut through your heart line."

"Heart line? Am I going to die?" I asked nervously, thinking I severed a main artery or something. Carlisle snorted and Esme's sweet laughter trilled throughout the high ceilinged kitchen. I suddenly felt very stupid and childish.

"No, sweetie, your heart line is also your love line. Here… look," she said softly, taking my good hand gently into hers. "This is your heartline," she traced her finger over the crease that was just under the fleshy part of my palm. "This is your head line… communication, intelligence." She drew her finger over the line in my palm that ran parallel with the heartline. "Your life line is here…but it means your health and well being, not how long you will live," she said, running her finger along the line that arced around my thumb. "And this is your fate line…your destiny." She smiled tentatively as she swept her pinkie up the center of my hand, tickling me.

"What does my heartline say?" I asked hesitantly. Even though I was scared shitless that she would say I was doomed to live a loveless live of sorrow and abstinence, I was appreciative because it was taking my mind off of the fact that Carlisle was threading a thick strand of string through a needle.

Esme examined my hand, wrinkling her little button nose. Her head cocked to the side. "Well, your heartline is fairly straight and parallel to the headline, so that means you have a good handle on your emotions. But see this here? It's broken in this spot…that means emotional trauma." She gave me a small smile, releasing my hand.

"Should I be worried? What do I do?" I asked meekly, looking to her for guidance. It seemed like everything was falling apart in one instant and I was afraid.

Carlisle scoffed, pausing momentarily to look at me. "Bella, I wouldn't put too much stock into that palm reading nonsense. The lines on your hands do not determine your fate. Making smart choices and using caution with your decisions is the best way to determine your future." Esme rolled her eyes and pretended to smack Carlisle in the back of his head. He saw her do it, but just smiled.

Jasper's hands, suddenly pressing gently down on my shoulders, offered an odd confort. As much as it was slightly awkward because of the prior afternoon, I was grateful of his presence. While I diverted my gaze away from the stitches about to be sewn into my flesh, in the back of my mind, hopelessly trying to fight off the thoughts and failing miserably, I was wondering where Edward might be that afternoon.

Carlisle began to run the black thread through my skin. I kept my eyes hidden in my fingers resting my elbow on the table while he worked on the injured hand. I remembered about breathing deeply- proud of myself that I was in control of my reactions to the situation. Emmett excused himself from the room, still appearing green, while Esme asked me if I wanted anything to drink, which I politely refused.

I was doing great; I really was, mentally patting myself on the back for being so brave, when it all fell to shit. Footsteps bounding down the stairs and Edward's voice booming through the house startled me, simultaneously making my heart palpitate out of my chest and my blood pump infinitely harder through my veins. I was certain Carlisle could see it as he was sitting in such close proximity to me.

"Mom, have you seen my white thermal shirrrrr…" He stopped short in the doorway, frozen in place with his palms pressed on either side of the arched entryway, a pair of white socks clasped in one hand.

Holy Mary Mother of God in Heaven.

Upon hearing his voice near, I spread the fingers over my eyes, allowing me enough space to peer out in a sideways glance. He stood, not six feet away from me barefoot, dressed in nothing but a pair of low slung, fitted jeans with the button and zipper half way open. The white band of his black underwear was peeking out the waist band of the jeans. He was shirtless and his hair was disheveled and much darker than I had ever seen it because it was damp. His face was clean shaven as usual, but he had a circular red and purple bruise under his eye just over his reddened swollen cheekbone. Even with his face marred like that he took my breath away.

His chest was completely smooth and hairless, but as my eyes traveled down his torso, I could see small patch of dark hair trailing down to the goods. The smooth curve of his shoulders leading to his biceps, coiled tightly around perfectly defined muscle that cut in ripples and waves all over his torso.

And so help me God, not only did he have the black tribal band around his right bicep, but a little silver ring through his right nipple. He was so beautiful I wanted to cry.

I almost passed out.

At the moment Edward appeared in the door way, I noticed Carlisle lift his gaze momentarily from his fixed spot on my hand. He visibly stifled a snicker, shaking his head slightly. What I didn't realize until later was that he while steadying my hand in his, his thumb was splayed across my wrist right over my pulse point. He was able to actually feel my pulse rate and blood flow intensify under his thumb when I heard Edward's voice and gaped at his half naked body gleaming in the afternoon light of his family's kitchen while I mentally molested him a hundred different ways. It was an involuntary physiological reaction. He knew that Edward's presence excited me.

How fucking mortifying.

"What the hell? B, are you okay?" Edward asked in almost a gasp, his voice low and full of concern. I admit I was touched, but did nothing but nod twice.

Carlisle looked from me and then to Edward standing in the doorway half naked. He began working again, and said, "Edward, after you find a shirt, maybe you would like to observe if it's okay with Bella."

Esme pointed to the laundry room, indicating the location of the shirt in question, which I secretly hoped he would never ever find. Edward nodded, mumbling something incoherent, before moving swiftly across the kitchen. My eyes followed his path as he disappeared into the laundry room. He reappeared wearing a white thermal shirt that clung to the curves and lines of his heavenly body. I could, for the first time, actually see the distinct outline of the ring through his nipple, and I wondered why I had never noticed it before. It was practically a guarantee that this boy was going to give me a stroke before we even made it to Halloween.

Good, I could go as a dead girl.

Edward crouched on his knees beside us, watching intently as Carlisle narrated every step he took. Edward glanced at me once, a compassionate almost pleading look in his eyes. It confused me.

"Edward is interested in becoming a doctor," Carlisle explained with a definite air of pride in his voice.

Edward clarified flatly, "Sports medicine." His gaze broke from my hand briefly landing on my face. His green eyes looked so terribly sad. I ached to hold him in my arms and take his pain away, despite the fact that he was angry with me.

I wondered what it was that had me so drawn to him. It was so much more than his looks, I knew deep down. We understood each other; got one another's ridiculous sense of humor. We shared so many common interests like reading and writing and music. I had seen him do things, uncharacteristically kind things for people, that just made me want to know him more. And the pain that flickered in his eyes had me aching to hold him closely, to do everything in my power to take the rage away. To make him heal from whatever his broken heart needed…

Carlisle tied off the end of the thread and said, "Have you taken Percocet before?" He pulled out a bottle from his bag of treats, spilling three of the pills into a small baggie.

"Yes, once when I broke my arm. Um, Carlisle," I said quietly with a grimace, "drug interactions?" He nodded, casually asking everyone to kindly excuse us. The three of them left while I let Carlisle quietly know that I was taking Prozac. When I explained the Prozac was for anxiety and panic attacks, he oddly smirked a bit, nodding his head.

"Do you have them often?" he asked.

Looking down at the table in unnecessary embarrassment I replied, "They are just situational now, not really random anymore. They were really bad for a while, the attacks are usually brought on by stress, which is why I moved here… to relieve some of the stress, but I don't think that worked, it just gave the stress another outlet and I've learned to control them for the most part. I had one yesterday," I rambled, suddenly biting my bottom lip in effort to shut the hell up. I realized that I had offered too much information and he probably only wanted to know about the attacks from a medical standpoint anyhow.

He nodded his head again. "Panic attacks are very common amongst your age group. There's a lot of pressure on you kids." He smiled warmly when I didn't reply, adding, "Take one every six hours until tomorrow evening at least an hour apart from the Prozac. The soreness should go away by tomorrow evening. I would also like to see you in a week to remove the stitches. I suppose I should call Charlie as well."

"No, that's okay, Carlisle. I'll let him know. He's busy with a case in Seattle. Stuff like this happens to me all the time. It's really no big deal."

Esme returned from the laundry area, back to work at the counter where she was preparing dinner, and asked me to stay just as Edward and Jasper reappeared in the kitchen. Esme handed me a glass of water and a Percocet, which I took immediately.

I gasped, remembering the lasagna in the oven that was still cooking. "I have dinner still in the oven and I need to get back, but thank you, anyway."

"Well, one of the boys will walk you home," Esme said with a smirk, gesturing to her sons with a long knife. "Edward?"

"I was on my way over there anyway. Bella, would it be okay if I walked you home?" Edward asked, staring straight at me. I was confused by the notion, but nodded, admittedly excited and baffled as to why he had intended to come over to see me.

"Feel better, Bella," Jasper said flatly, disappearing back into the den.

I thanked Carlisle, taking my baggie full of painkillers and waving a grateful goodbye with my skillfully bandaged hand. Without bothering to ask Esme's permission, Edward opened the coat closet, pulling one of her short wool coats out and draped it carefully over my shoulders, careful to not touch me.

What the hell?

"It's starting to rain again," he said softly, answering my question. I called out to Carlisle, thanking him again as Edward ushered me out the front door. We walked side by side down the paved road in silence, until the question gnawed at me and I couldn't take it anymore.

"Your eye. You and Jasper were in a fight?"

He was startled when I spoke. "Um, yeah," he said flatly, looking forward, his solemn features covered in a dewy sheen from the misty rain.

"With who?"

"Each other." He continued to look ahead as he walked, deliberately shortening his strides to meet mine.

"You and Jasper, really? Over what…?" I hedged, knowing it was completely none of my business, but still feeling balsy enough to inquire. Perhaps it was my new injury that would suddenly make Edward feel compassion and open up to me. I scoffed at the thought.

"Over a girl," he replied quietly. The corners of his mouth twitched up for a tiny second and then it was gone. I shook my head, sucking on the inside of my cheek in an effort to hold back impending tears.

Once we approached my front door, which I had left unlocked in my haste, he stopped and stammered, "Bella, I wanted to come over to, um…well, I owe you an apology for yesterday."

I spun around surprised. "You don't owe me anything, Edward. You are entitled to feel however you feel for whatever your reasoning. I'm the one who is sorry. I never should have said that, and I apologize if I've caused you problems. I thought I was helping. I would never do anything to hurt you."

"No, I know you wouldn't," he stammered. "I shouldn't have been so harsh with you. I need to explain something to you, if you'll let me."

I nodded. "Come inside. I need help with something, anyway," I said, knowing that I had the lasagna in the oven and wouldn't be able to lift the heavy pan out one handed. The house was wafting with the delicious aroma of rich Italian smells, and I was thankful I didn't smell it burning. I was suddenly famished.

Edward followed me inside muttering, "Wow, it smells amazing in here."

"It's lasagna. I made it for Charlie but he won't be here to eat it," I said, placing my baggie on the counter. There were little blood droplets splattered all over the floor and I noticed the bottle of pills next to the area rug with a few spilled out next to the container. He saw it at the same time I went to lean over. As he picked it up I groaned, crushed that he would know I was taking prescription drugs.

He didn't look at the label on the bottle I suppose out of courtesy, but as he held the pills in his palm, he looked up at me questioningly. "Prozac?" I shut my eyes and nodded.

I whispered, "For anxiety…panic attacks."

"Huh," he said, clearly surprised by this fact. He set the bottle on the counter, placing the three small pills beside it. "I took Prozac before I changed over to Zoloft because it gave me headaches. I have panic attacks too." I knew that already, but I feigned surprise, as to not out Jasper. I was, however, genuinely surprised that he took meds for it.

I handed him two potholders as I opened the oven door with my good hand. Lifting my heavily bandaged hand in the air, I said grimacing, "Would you mind? I'm kind of disabled."

Edward leaned into the oven, pulled the tray out, and placed it on the stove top.

I watched him conspicuously take a deep whiff, as I fumbled in the drawer for a spatula. "Do you want to stay and eat with me? It's not poisoned, I promise," I added with a smirk.

"Are you sure?" he asked skeptically, surprised at my invitation.

I smiled. "There's nothing organic in it."

"Then I'm definitely staying." He clapped his hands together.

He said, "Wow this is awesome, Bella," taking a forkful into his mouth. Oh, how I longed to be that fork. I couldn't help but stare at his lips while they chewed. His eyes rolled into the back of his head a bit in completely awe of my cooking, leaving me with a tremendous sense of pride and satisfaction. "I didn't know you could cook," he added, wiping his mouth with his napkin.

"Oh, I can't cook that well… not really. I can make four chicken dishes and lasagna. Easy stuff like pancakes and eggs. My mom made me take a cooking class with her last summer and she dropped out before we got to beef, pork or fish. So my skills are kind of limited, but I like to cook anyhow. I'm learning."

As we enjoyed the lasagna, we chatted about school and nonsense, as if we had been friends for years and never had the conversation we'd had the previous day. It was weird how just a simple apology had taken most of the tension away. I was still waiting anxiously for Edward to tell me why he was so upset with me, but I wanted to let him enjoy the meal before I brought it up.

"Man, that was good. So…" he said hesitantly, placing his fork onto his empty plate. His eyes darted to mine. It took my breath away for a second. "Jasper kissed you, huh?"

His question caught me off guard. "Uh….yeah sort of. It wasn't technically a kiss, 'cause I didn't kiss him back." I shrugged my shoulders. Edward's smile reached the corners of his eyes.

"He told me he spoke to you yesterday…about me. What exactly did he tell you?"

"Not much, truthfully. He just said that you had a relationship with a girl in Chicago. He wasn't too explicit." I started to feel a bit tingly, assuming that the painkillers were slowly working into my system. I probably should have changed my bloody shirt before I ate, but I was too overwhelmed to think about it, really.

"Do you want to know the whole story?" he asked softly, his fingers fidgeting on the table top.

It took all I had in me to not jump up and down screaming YES YES HELL YES! But I maintained my composure and said, "If you want to tell me."

"I owe you an explanation for my behavior." His eyes darted away from mine to the napkin he was playing with in his hands. It was obvious that he was working up the courage or possibly even debating something internally while he hesitated.

Then he exhaled. "There was this girl, Charlotte..."

~%~