Resilience: Zoë Alleyne Washburne Chapter 3, a firefly fanfic

Translations:

pāo xià máo - to drop anchor

shén me de - and so on, and what not

jiǒng jìng – predicament, awkward situation

bèn zhuō – clumsy, awkward, stupid

xiǎo zi – boy, young fellow, chap

Bié shuō le, wǒ bù xiǎng ting - Stop talking, I don't want to listen.

Shíbā céng dìyù – Eighteen levels of Hell, at the bottom of hell

Yi ri san qui – (idiom) "One day, three Autumns", meaning greatly missing someone; one day feels as long as three years

三 Sān: Yi ri san qui

Airlock five, airlock five.

Zoe passed each door in ascending order, stopping at the one that had been cleared to receive Serenity's shuttle. River joined her, catching up from a pace or two behind. She'd been hanging back, catching up again, stopping randomly – purposefully playing with the two uniformed Feds that had been following them at a distance as they made their way through the cruiser's corridors.

No matter what River did, the Feds kept their distance the same - stopping if she stopped, poking their heads into the nearest door to exchange a quick word with the officers on duty there. They'd been trying to keep up the illusion that they just happened to be walking down the same corridor on their rounds. Not, as Zoe knew, that they had been ordered to keep an eye on herself and River, to make sure they went to airlock five and nowhere else.

Though Zoe and the rest of them had been given free reign to and from certain destinations – the recovery ward, their overnight lodgings, the crew mess – their movements were not exactly free. They didn't have official escorts but someone was monitoring them, more or less discreetly, at all times. And the someone always had backup. And the someones were armed. Zoe had noticed, since she'd had charge of River most of the day, that those someones made more of an effort to be discreet around the girl.

Of course, River was well aware of it – hence her using them for her own amusement. It was as though they didn't want to encroach, didn't want to disturb her. Gossip was likely going 'round about what she'd done down there, who she was. Although, "dangerous fugitive" was the extent of common knowledge regarding River Tam. Zoe had read the warrant. It's writers did not care to expound upon what the "dangers" were and why.

River turned her back to the wall and stood poised with a docile expression, the very picture of a well-mannered, core-bred young lady. If you ignored the combat boots and the scabs marring her skin here and there. After a few moments the Feds passed by, staring straight ahead. Zoe imagined the subroutines running behind River's eyes – calculating just for fun how, if she'd wanted to, she could disarm the first one, take them both out… Or maybe that was just Zoe's own thinking. Not that she'd actually act on it. It was a sort of mind game, something she did out of habit.

River turned and looked at Zoe, inclining her head at the airlock control booth. Two more Feds. Their "escorts" had handed them off to the next set. So River was playing the game too.

Zoe chose a position with the tactical advantage of being able to monitor both the Feds in the airlock and River at the same time. Arms crossed, leaning her shoulder against the wall, Zoe watched River sink down to the floor and start to fiddle with the buckles on her boots, adjusting them each in turn with a deliberate, repetitive series of movements. Just your more intense version of a regular old, bored teenager. Now they had only to wait until the shuttle arrived.

This would be her first time back to Serenity. Everyone had gone down early that morning except for Simon, who at that point hadn't awoken, and River, who refused to leave his side. It was therefore necessary for someone to stay behind to look after River and Zoe'd volunteered. The more logical choice may have been Inara, but Mal agreed without batting an eye.

She knew she was just delaying the inevitable. One more day away wouldn't change anything. She'd have to go down and face it. Face Serenity, the home they had shared, wounded and in chaos. Face their bunk, now hers alone once again. Face the 'verse that continued about its business without any notice of you or your troubles. Face life without Wash.

She knew it and yet spending the day with River and Simon had somehow turned out to be exactly the right thing. This wasn't denial, she told herself. This was just a time out. Quiet, calm, waiting. And it gave her a job to do; someone else's lives to think about. Nobody wanted River and Simon left alone on this ship. Her presence made it a little less likely that the Tams would be spirited away as soon as Serenity's crew wasn't looking. Whatever the Operative's influence, whatever assurances they'd received…

River had hardly spoken all day. Zoe hadn't been able to persuade her to move, not even to eat. She just sat with her brother waiting for him to come to. When he did at last, River finally agreed to eat something - but only if Simon would, and only the same food he had been given. She matched him bite for bite. As the day wore on Zoe found it hard to tell which of them was taking care of the other. She felt a tug on her heartstrings once again.

So that's what that means.

She felt as though her being was literally tied to them with a gossamer thread. One for River, one for Simon.

Poor kids.

One for Mal. One for Kaylee, one for Inara. Hell, even Jayne. Each one pulling in its own way, collectively acting as an anchor.

The hum of an engine drawing nearer made both Zoe and River look up.

"Pāo xià máo," River sounded miles away, going back to her boots.

Now Zoe turned a mite flinty. Maybe River wasn't prying intentionally. Maybe folks' thoughts just flowed right through her. Maybe she was simply commenting on the shuttle's arrival. Nautical terms were commonplace in the present-day shipping trade, though she hadn't often heard of a spaceship dropping anchor. It felt like just enough of an intrusion to make Zoe pull herself back a bit.

Soon the airlock opened and Kaylee emerged.

"Hey, you two," Kaylee smiled tentatively as she made eye contact with Zoe.

Zoe's stony expression eased a little. She knew why little Kaylee had turned up, "The Captain's with Simon."

River rose from the floor with fluid grace, pointing down the corridor helpfully. She was holding back a smile, as though she had a secret and could hardly keep from spilling it. She clasped her hands behind her back and pivoted back and forth a little, causing her skirt to swing.

Kaylee looked at River with suspicion and Zoe could see a faint blush color her cheeks. She gestured back at the shuttle with her thumb, "Inara's inside. I'll be right back."

"There's no rush," Zoe said knowingly, "C'mon sweetie." She ushered a compliant River through the airlock.

Not long after, Mal showed up.

He was moving slowly and very mindfully. Zoe had seen him injured many a time. This time was one of the worst.

"How'd it go?" he asked her, after taking stock of everybody. River was in the cockpit with Inara. They could hear the companion's silken voice, in the middle of an explanation of the shuttle's ignition sequence.

"Nothing too stormy, if that's what you mean," she looked River's way. There had been no outbursts, nothing worthy of the interference of their minders. "'Course we're being watched. Armed guards and shén me de. But that's to be expected."

Mal nodded and regarded her intently for a few moments. That had been the longest utterance she'd produced since leaving Mr. Universe's. It had taxed her. Being watched by him was taxing her. She looked away, grateful that he hadn't asked the question she was dreading, "how are you?"

He knew better than to ask her that, thank the 'verse.

Zoe mustered up a little more, "'Spose it's all right leavin' Simon untended?"

"I figure they'd sooner take the both of 'em in together than just the boy by himself. He'll be safe enough for now. Point of interest…Their warrants ain't on the Cortex."

Zoe raised her eyebrows.

"I know," Mal said, his volume just above a whisper, "Wonder who'll be sent after 'em next time, now there's no above-board bounty. 'Course on paper Alliance won't have sent anyone. Won't want to get their hands dirty. They've got enough cleanin' up to do. But give'em a few weeks, a few months…This whole jiǒng jìng has an odor to it. S'time we were all back on the same boat. Simon'll be along."

Zoe gave a nod. 'Jiǒng jìng' was putting it lightly.

"Zoe…" Mal started.

She had a pretty good inkling of what was coming next. She shut her eyes and listened.

"…They took Wash off the ship. When you get down there, they're gonna ask you…"

They're gonna ask me what I want done with him. They're gonna ask me if I want to see him.

"I know, sir."

He stayed with her in silence for a minute. She couldn't bring herself to say anything else.

"If you want me to...If you need anything, I'm here…" Mal said carefully, "You'd tell me…? Zoe…?"

She forced herself to look at him. Forced her expression to show him that she knew he would always be there for her. Just for a moment, to put him at his ease.

"I'm fine, Cap'n."

It was a bold-faced lie and she knew it. He probably knew it too, but Mal wisely took it as his cue to back off, retreating to the cockpit to bug the girls while they waited for Kaylee.

Today had been all about waiting. And that was fine by Zoe. As much as she loathed spending time surrounded by purple-bellies, she was in no hurry. No, this wasn't denial, she reiterated to herself. A person needed time to let things soak in little by little.

Kaylee returned with a lightness about her. Must be she was finally getting somewhere with the doctor. The rays of cheerfulness that Zoe was accustomed to seeing beam out of the young mechanic had been squelched by the shadow of their circumstances for some time now. It was nice to see, but Zoe was too busy soaking up other things to soak up any of Kaylee's rays. She watched absently from her place in the shadow.

"So, how's Mr. Top Three Percent? Didn' do anything too bèn zhuō, now did he?" Mal said over his shoulder, shooing River out of the seat next to Inara.

Kaylee rolled her eyes, shepherding River into a jump seat.

"You leave her be," Inara said, starting up the shuttle.

But Mal kept it right up, "You say the word and I'll knock some more sense into that xiǎo zi. I do believe it's my turn."

"Bié shuō le, wǒ bù xiǎng ting!" Kaylee leaned forward in her seat and called to the cockpit, "He told me you threatened to space him once or twice. And you two gotta stop with the hittin' each other!"

"You tell him that too?"

"No," Kaylee slumped back and crossed her arms. But they were both smirking in fun when Mal turned around to give her the evil eye.

Like Kaylee's rays of light, so the Captain's teasing was good to see. But when normally their banter would have made her chuckle, it swirled around Zoe like a warm breeze, hardly stirring her at all.

What was stirring her now was the restricting shoulder straps of her jump seat. Sitting like this was not helpful to her stiches. She winced in pain, "Shíbā céng dìyù."

Mal and Kaylee wiped their faces clean of any smiles like two kids caught in the act. Mal turned back to the cockpit for their approach. Kaylee looked down at her hands. Zoe exhaled, annoyed. She hadn't meant to kill all conversation, but it seemed they took it as such. So be it, the silence suited Zoe just as well.

The little moon grew larger and larger, filling the shuttle's front windshield. There was still plenty of daylight on the surface, gorramit. Still plenty left to this interminable, endless day. If only it were time to sleep. She knew they had smoothers in stock. If only she'd stayed aboard with Simon, given her stiches another day to mend. Zoe felt the weight of what the rest of the day had in store, pulling her down. Mounting, mounting increasingly the closer they got to the ground.

River spoke for the first time since they'd left the airlock, "Yi ri san qui…"

Zoe raised her eyes to find River looking straight at her, straight into her. Somehow, this time, it didn't feel like an intrusion whatsoever. It just felt like a little of the weight had lifted. Like someone was there, pulling back the other way.

"Pāo xià máo," Zoe answered as the shuttle tucked gently into Serenity's side.