Chapter 10

"Harry?"

A hesitant voice came from the doorway, and Harry recognised it as the voice of Remus. He sat up slowly, wiping the tears from his blotchy face.

"Oh Merlin, Harry, what happened? Why are you crying?" Remus ran over to him, a look of deep concern on his tired face. He gently pulled Harry up to stand, and guided him over to the sofa where they both sat. Remus put an arm around Harry's shoulders and pulled him into a hug, at which point Harry had to try very hard not to start crying again.

"I…I can't talk about it," Harry said quietly, his voice breaking half way through the sentence.

"Is it something to do with Sirius? Did you have an argument or something?" Remus said tentatively. Harry had to fight down a new wave of humiliation and hurt, and the look on his face seemed to say enough. "You can tell me, Harry. I know I've been away a lot since you've been staying here but you have to know that I'm here for you."

Harry gave a watery smile, but he couldn't keep it up and before long he was frowning at the ground again. "I wish I could tell you, Moony, but I really can't. I'm just…upset, and confused, and hurt, and humiliated beyond belief. I just want everything to go back to normal again!" he moaned, hiding his head in his hands. His next words were muffled. "And now Sirius hates me and he probably wants me to just go back to the Dursleys and leave him alone." Saying these thoughts out loud made it seem all the more real, and he looked away before he embarrassed himself by crying again.

"What? Of course he doesn't think that, Harry. No matter what happened between the two of you, there's no way he'd want you to leave," Remus said gently but firmly. He squeezed Harry's shoulder briefly, trying to comfort him as best he could. For this Harry was immensely grateful.

"Why don't you try talking to Sirius about this? Maybe you both just misunderstood each other. I can't imagine any reason why Sirius would be angry at you, Harry," Remus said softly. He sounded curious, and Harry couldn't blame him. This was something he really didn't want to have to explain to him, however. Oh by the way, I just kissed my godfather, the best friend of my dead dad, this is totally normal right? Yeah, that would go down well…not.

"This isn't going to get sorted out unless you talk to each other." Remus was starting to sound slightly sterner now. "Either you talk to him, or I'm going to go and ask him to tell me what happened."

"What? No, you can't!" Harry said quickly, blushing. Merlin, he really didn't need anyone else finding out about this, it was embarrassing enough as it was. Remus looked at him curiously, and stood up.

"I'm sorry, Harry, but this has to be sorted out. You can't avoid each other forever, you live in the same house. And before you say anything, no one is going to make you go back to the Dursleys. I'm going to talk to Sirius." He looked sympathetically at Harry, as a last thought conjured him a handkerchief out of thin air with his wand, and strode out of the room. Harry closed his eyes, willing this to just be a horrible dream.

Sighing, Harry trudged up the stairs and went into his bedroom, flopping down on the bed face first. Why did everything have to be so damn complicated? He sat up, getting angry now. It felt more productive to be angry than to be upset. With everything that had happened to him in his life, why couldn't he have just one thing that was good and normal and wholesome? He'd had the chance at having proper family, a godfather that cared about him, and he'd ruined it all by falling for him. Harry punched the wall, hard. Shouting in pain, he looked down and saw it swelling in front of his eyes. Probably broken. The pain gave him something else to focus on, and sent adrenalin rushing through his veins, but it wasn't enough to push out the memories of Sirius. Thankfully he was dragged away from his thoughts a moment later by the voice of one of his best friends coming from his two way mirror.

"Harry?" Hermione called, and Harry thought he might as well answer her. Talking to his friends would be better for him than sitting around moping and punching walls. He was already regretting his actions as deep bruises began to form on his knuckles, and he winced slightly, trying not to flex his fingers.

"Hey Hermione," he said half-heartedly, picking up the mirror and looking into it. Hermione's face turned to shock and worry as she took in Harry's appearance.

"Oh my-! What happened, Harry? Have you been crying? Are you hurt? Ron, get over here! Something's happened to Harry!" She said all of this very quickly, her voice rising in pitch as she panicked. Harry heard Ron running over, and then he joined Hermione in the mirror, looking concerned.

"Calm down, I'm fine," Harry said grumpily, but he wasn't fooling anyone.

"Don't you dare give us that crap!" Hermione said testily. "I can tell when you're upset, Harry, it's painfully obvious!"

"Whatever. Look, I really don't want to talk about it. What's been going on at Hogwarts?" Harry asked, needing something to distract him now. Hermione scowled at him, but she answered his question anyway.

"Much the same, really. Umbridge won't let us do magic in her classes."

"And the evil cow is spreading rumours about you and Dumbledore…" Ron added darkly.

"What?" Harry asked quickly. "What rumours?"

"Well, mostly she's telling everyone that you're lying about Voldemort coming back, and Diggory's death was a tragic accident…" Ron said hesitantly.

"Well that's just great." Harry said irritably. "Any other fantastic news I need to hear?" He knew he was being unreasonably moody but he couldn't really care less at the moment.

"We've noticed that Dumbledore is in school a lot less. Most of the time when we have meals now he's not there, and I never see him walking around the school anymore. It's driving Umbridge crazy, because she wants to know where he's going and she has no authority to stop him doing anything." Hermione said, sounding amused.

"That's strange…" Harry said, his interest piqued, "Dumbledore never usually leaves the school. I wonder what he's up to."

"It could be something to do with the Order. Why don't you ask Sirius about it, Harry?" Ron said thoughtfully. Harry's face dropped, which wasn't missed by Hermione.

"Oh dear, something's happened between you and Sirius hasn't it?" she asked him gently. Harry sighed, wondering why she had to be so astute all the time.

"Kinda, yeah…" he said vaguely.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

Hermione sighed. "Well, I can't make you say anything, but please remember that we're here for you if you change your mind," she said softly. Harry smiled at her and absent-mindedly went to push his hair backwards with his right hand before remembering it was broken. He winced and swiftly moved it out of the way but not before Hermione noticed.

"Harry! What did you do to your hand? Why didn't you say you were hurt?" She asked sternly.

"Er…I think it's broken," Harry said, deliberately not mentioning how. Hermione simply raised an eyebrow at him. "Fine! I got angry and I punched a wall. Happy now?"

"No, of course not! You should go and get someone to fix it. Is anyone home apart from Sirius?"

"I think Moony is around somewhere…" Harry said unenthusiastically. He knew that Remus would be disappointed in him for taking his anger out on himself, and he didn't really want to see him right now after having a massive breakdown in front of him. Sadly, however, he realised it was for the best that he get his hand seen to.

"I guess I should go see if I can find him," Harry sighed, "I'll talk to you guys later. Thanks for…you know…tolerating me," he added awkwardly.

"Remember to call us whenever you need to talk to someone! Goodbye, Harry," Hermione replied.

"Yeah, see you mate. Hope your hand gets better," Ron added. Harry smiled at them and tapped his wand to end the call.

Feeling annoyed at himself for getting so angry, Harry padded down the stairs and went to look for Remus, hoping that he wasn't talking to Sirius still. He was relieved to find him sitting at the kitchen table, although he looked frustrated and tired. Harry approached him tentatively, and sat down on the chair next to him.

Remus looked round at him and gave a strained smile. "Hey, Harry. Are you okay?" He asked, looking as though he already knew the answer.

"I've been better. Actually, I had a bit of an…accident…are you any good at fixing broken bones?" Harry asked timidly. He showed his hand to Remus who looked shocked, and then deeply worried.

"Oh Merlin Harry, what did you do?"

"Erm…I may have kind of punched the wall. I was angry," he added by way of an excuse.

Remus tutted and examined Harry's hand carefully, trying not to move it. "Well, it definitely looks broken. I know a spell that should fix it, you should pay attention because healing spells are useful knowledge to have." He got out his wand and pointed it at Harry's hand, and said "Episkey!"

Harry's hand felt very hot, and then very cold. He watched with interest as the swelling went down and the pain receded, although the bruises still remained. He wiggled his fingers experimentally and they felt a little stiff but otherwise as good as new.

"That's about the best I can do, you'll have to live with the bruises until they go down by themselves." Remus told him with a stern look in his eye. "Look, I don't know what happened between you and Sirius, he won't tell me either, but if I found anything out from talking to him it's that he's angry at himself, not at you. Just keep that in mind. I still think that the only way this will be sorted is by the two of you talking to each other, but that's up to the both of you." Remus looked worried by this fact, he clearly realised that both of them were stubborn people and it was going to take a while to sort out.

"Thanks, Moony. For fixing my hand, and for trying to work things out…I don't think it's going to work though."

"Not if you don't try, Harry," Remus said quietly. Harry didn't know what to say to that, so he stayed quiet. "I have to go out now, I have Order business to do. Will you be okay here?" Harry caught the unasked question 'will you be okay alone with Sirius?'

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Alright, I'll see you soon Harry, take care." Remus smiled at him and stood up stiffly, striding down the hall. A second later Harry heard the click of the door, and he slumped in his seat. What was he going to do now? He couldn't talk to Sirius yet, that was out of the question. He decided to just find a nice interesting book to read and try to distract himself.

The days went by, and things were just as awkward between Harry and Sirius. Harry was avoiding him at all costs, which was difficult considering neither of them had anywhere else to go. Whenever he accidentally found himself in the same room as his godfather, Harry determinedly looked at the floor so he wouldn't have to see the loathing and anger in Sirius' eyes that he imagined was there.

Other Order members had started to notice that something had happened. Molly cornered him one day and asked him bluntly what Sirius had done to make him so upset. Knowing that she had some sort of grudge against Sirius, Harry was quick to point out that it was his own fault. She didn't look convinced, and a while later Harry could hear a blazing argument happening between Molly and Sirius. Their words were too muffled for Harry to hear, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know what they were saying about him, anyway.

It was clear that Remus was getting more and more frustrated with the two of them. Every day he would patiently ask Harry if he was going to talk to Sirius today, and he would stubbornly say no. It was starting to take its toll on him; Harry couldn't remember the last time he'd been able to eat more than a couple of mouthfuls of food without feeling sick to the stomach. He often just sat in his room for hours, lost in his thoughts, trying not to think about Snuffles but inevitably doing it anyway. Ron and Hermione had tried to call him a few times but he'd just ignored them.

After about a week of stubborn silence, Harry was starting to realise that he really did need to just talk to Sirius about this. He was much thinner than he had been before, having lost a lot of weight after just ceasing to eat for a week. He was tired all the time, and he felt completely emotionally drained. He couldn't stop thinking about Sirius, about the kiss. Oh, the kiss…it had felt so perfect, and he was so sure that Sirius had enjoyed it too. If he could just convince him to focus on that…gritting his teeth, Harry stood up and walked towards the door. It was best to just do it, before he chickened out of it.

Harry walked up the stairs to the next floor where Sirius' bedroom was. The door was open, and Harry glanced in but saw no one in there. That meant he must be in his mother's old room with Buckbeak. Harry turned to that door and saw that it was closed, so he gently knocked on it.

"Who is it?" Came Sirius' gruff voice, sounding miserable. Harry felt a pang in his heart, and vowed to get this sorted out.

"It's…it's me," Harry said, trying to keep his voice steady. There was no reply, but Harry decided to just throw caution to the wind and go in there anyway. He walked in and saw his godfather sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. Buckbeak was laying down next to him, and Sirius was absently stroking his feathers. Harry allowed himself to look at Sirius properly for the first time in a week, and he almost lost all his courage. He looked defeated. He was pale, thin, and almost regaining the look he'd had when he'd escaped from Azkaban. Despite all of this, Harry couldn't help but note how attractive he looked…as Harry was observing him, he looked up and their eyes met. Sirius' eyes were perhaps even more beautiful than Harry had remembered, and Harry flinched at the anger in them.

"Snuffles…" he said tentatively, inching towards him. Sirius didn't answer. Now that he was here, Harry was unsure of what to say. He closed his eyes and tried to bring his feelings to the surface. It wasn't easy, talking about how he felt, but if it was going to help make this right then he was going to have to do it.

"We really need to talk about what happened. We can't go on avoiding each other forever," he said bluntly. Sirius raised an eyebrow at him but still didn't speak. Harry's nerves almost got the better of him, but he took a deep breath and soldiered on.

"The fact of the matter is, we…we kissed," Harry's nearly gave out but he carried on, "we clearly both enjoyed it," Harry blushed, "and I really wish you didn't hate me for it…" he trailed off, and looked up from the floor to see Sirius looking conflicted.

"I don't hate you, Harry," he said roughly. "I hate myself for kissing you in the first place. It was a stupid thing to do." Harry flinched.

"It wasn't stupid. I liked it, and you can't pretend that you didn't too."

"It's not about whether we enjoyed it, Harry. You're 15 years old, you're my godson for Merlin's sake." Sirius closed his eyes in frustration.

"I don't care!" Harry replied stubbornly.

"Well I do!"

"Well excuse me for wanting something good to actually happen in my life for once!" Harry raised his voice unintentionally, he hadn't wanted this to become an argument. Sirius looked slightly guilty for a moment, but Harry ignored him and carried on, "age is just a number, Sirius! Is this about what everyone else would think? I thought you didn't care about what anyone thought of you?"

"It's not that easy…" Sirius said quietly.

"You're a reckless man, Sirius, and a brave man. You usually listen to what your heart says. You're loyal, and you're kind. Why can't you follow your feelings?" Harry leaned forwards and hesitantly put his hand on Sirius' arm, but he tensed and pulled away.

"I'm sorry Harry, but it just won't work between us," he said stiffly, not meeting Harry's eyes. "I'd appreciate it if you left me alone."

Harry felt as if Sirius had slapped him. He stepped backwards, willing himself not to cry, trying to find even a shred of regret in Sirius' face but he had closed his eyes and shut himself off from the world. Harry turned and left the room, slamming the door behind him. He felt numb. Running down the stairs, he went to his room and sat on the bed, staring into space, thoughts spreading through his mind like wildfire. What felt like hours later, he stood up stiffly and opened his trunk, throwing everything into it that he could find. If Sirius didn't want him here, didn't want to accept the fact that their relationship had changed, then he couldn't stay here.

Harry walked resolutely down the stairs, dragging his trunk behind him. It banged on every step, and he heard footsteps coming down the stairs but he ignored them and carried on. Eventually he got to the front door, and he heard a gasp and the footsteps gathering speed as his godfather ran towards him.

"Harry, what are you doing?" he asked quickly, a look of confusion on his handsome face.

"I'm leaving. If you don't want me then I can't stay, it'll drive both of us mad."

"You can't just leave, where exactly do you think you can go?"

Harry paused for a moment, wishing there was somewhere else, anywhere else but he knew there wasn't. "I'm going back to the Dursleys. They may hate me but it'll be less painful than this…"

Sirius looked pained. "Don't leave," he said in a voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. Harry felt a flutter in his stomach.

"Don't make this any more difficult than it already is."

"Please Harry…I don't want you to leave."

Harry closed his eyes and prayed to Merlin to give him strength. "Sirius, either you want me or you don't. I'll stay on one condition…"

"What?" Sirius asked impatiently.

Harry took a deep breath. "Kiss me, and I'll stay…"

Sirius looked conflicted. He looked at the floor and clenched his fists, breathing heavily. When he looked up at Harry there was something in his eyes that he couldn't place. Carefully and deliberately, Sirius walked towards him, the expression on his face hard and unreadable. Harry gulped.

What can I say, I love cliffhangers! Don't hate me too much, next chapter will be fluffy instead of angsty :) please please review! x