She'd copped a feel. There was no denying it. During the town meeting debacle in which Taylor was exercising his cart, kiosk, cart/kiosk vendetta against the long-haired freak who dared to sell his produce on the town square, she leaned in to pat a stressed-out Luke's knee.
Due to a sudden shift in his position on the uncomfortable folding chair, Luke inadvertently caused Lorelai's hand to lay somewhat higher on his knee than she expected. High enough that Luke bolted upright in his chair as a red aurora borealis of embarrassment began rising on his neck.
High enough that an observant Jess looked at her, smirked, and turned his attention to the front again.
Lorelai took refuge in the "Taylor Left Me Twistin'" song discussion.
Later, after she'd seen how the re-enactors refused to appear at Louie's funeral, she resolved to fix it.
"Cut the weakest out of the herd," she said to herself as she cornered Kirk.
She dusted her hands in satisfaction afterward. Kirk needed no more pressure than to be reminded that Lorelai could arrange for him to be banned from the diner any time.
She opened the door to Andrew's bookstore, where he was busy closing up for the night.
"Hey, Andrew," she said as she closed the door.
"Hi Lorelai," he replied affably. "Say, I just got confirmation on the order Rory placed today for those journalism books. They ought to be in within a week. Best order I've gotten all week."
Lorelai squinched up her face as if she were trying to avoid pain. "Yeah, about that order, I'm afraid we're going to have to cancel that one."
Andrew blinked in surprise. "But Rory said it was a rush order."
"Well, you know, things happen," she said. "I've also got a couple of books at home to return."
"Return? Are they defective?"
"No, no, they seem to be alright. It's just that, you know ..." She let her sentence deliberately fade away.
He nodded sagely. "Budget crunch, huh? I understand."
"No, actually I'll re-order them. The Borders bookstore ought to be able to handle them, I think."
"But you always order from me," he protested.
"I figure it's better to cut our losses now, since you're pulling out of Stars Hollow."
"I'm not pulling out of town! Who said that?"
"You know, what with you quitting the re-enactors, it seems like it's a matter of time before you close up completely. We can't really put our money into a business that isn't committed to the town." She gave him a sad, sympathetic smile. "I mean, I know you wouldn't let Luke down if you didn't have a good reason."
Andrew threw his pen onto the counter. "Aw, Lorelai, I didn't mean anything by that. It was Louie. He was such a hateful old guy."
"Andrew, you're smart enough to know that funerals are for the living not the dead. Luke's the guy you need to consider. Remember him? The guy who remembers your special orders and doesn't talk about your allergies when you bring a date into the diner? The guy who opened a tab for Jess' expensive book habit, and paid it off every month?"
The bookstore owner caved, and Lorelai was soon on her way. Sy, Bert and the rest of the re-enactors were equally easy to remind them of their civic duty.
Then Lorelai found herself nose to nose with Taylor Doose. Mano a mano. Taylor with boxes of tampons in his hand as he restocked the shelves. Lorelai with her Valkyrie wings spread wide, determined to be victorious stood at the opposite end of the aisle, the Red Vines and Mallomars section.
"Taylor," she said calmly.
"Lorelai," acknowledged the grocer. "The price on these is going up, so you should stock up before it's too late."
She snorted. "Your prices are already twenty percent higher than any other place within 20 miles."
Slowly she approached him, guardedly watching him as if those tampons were loaded and he were about to shoot. The Red Vines bag she'd grabbed would offer little protection against the cottony bullets in Taylor's hand.
"The re-enactors are going to be at Louie's funeral tomorrow, and you're going to be with them. Full uniform, loaded fake muskets, hats, everything."
It was Taylor's turn to snort. "Louie was an ass and everyone hated him. No one will be there, especially not me."
"Look around," warned Lorelai. "Your gang has deserted you. You stand alone in this."
"Nonsense," he replied confidently. "Kirk will always do what I say, and the rest said their pieces earlier tonight."
Lorelai chortled evilly. "Kirk was the first one to fold. Andrew's at home pressing his uniform as we speak. You've lost this one, Taylor. Take it like a man."
"Those lily-livered cowards," he growled. "Never! You can't make me!"
Lorelai shouldered her way past Taylor to the overflowing vegetable display. "Looks like you're not moving the vegetables, are you?" She arched an eyebrow as she picked up some green thing, found it too squishy, and exchanged it for a stalk of Brussels sprouts. "They're getting softer and older by the day. Soon they'll be rotting on a compost heap, along with your business."
Visibly shaken by her prediction, Taylor hesitantly replied, "That long-haired hippie freak can't hold on forever. I've got the deep vegetable pockets. I will outlast him."
"Maybe so," she commented nonchalantly, tossing the stalk of sprouts in the air and barely catching it before it fell to the ground. "Or maybe some enterprising young local businesswoman will start a home garden campaign, even offering part of the Independence Inn's grounds as a community vegetable plot."
"You wouldn't!" he gasped.
"I called my little Encyclopedia Rory. She says your markups are 150 percent and higher. It's the primary profit margin for you. You won't be so confident this time next year when you're reduced to being your own bag boy."
"Everybody hated Louie!" he repeated impotently.
"Everybody loves Luke, and they loved his dad. Even you liked his dad. I seem to recall Luke telling the story about how his dad saved your business-butt more than once in your early days. Something about you hiring cheap out of town contractors who did a crappy job and Luke's dad did the repairs for nothing. You owe Luke and his father, Taylor. Now pony up." She popped the bag of Red Vines and slipped one into her mouth like a farmer chewing a stalk of wheat.
Taylor scowled at her. "You'll make sure there's no community garden?"
She nodded.
"You'll throw some of your restaurant purchases my way?"
"If you're not serious about this Taylor, then call me Euellette Gibbons, queen of the community garden."
"Alright! Alright! You win. Full regalia, full fanfare, we'll be there."
"Twenty-one gun salute?"
He nodded despondently. "Twenty-one gun salute."
"Then my work is done. See you then, pardner."
Lorelai sauntered out of the market.
It was time for a change in strategy. Lorelai still wanted Luke's attention, and he was so distracted by the coffin selection that he had stormed off from the funeral home.
Lorelai was not used to being ignored when she gave a man her best attention and flirting.
She didn't like it when Luke ignored her, and her normal solution for that was to annoy him until she got the attention she craved. This time, however, she'd been practically throwing herself at him and because of his uncle's death; he'd not noticed a thing. OK, she knew he'd noticed her knee pat at the town meeting, but that was all his fault. She had nothing but good intentions. Good, altruistic, somewhat dirty, intentions.
If she'd made this effort a couple of years ago, heck, a couple of months ago, she knew Luke would have noticed. Memories of her double date with Sookie, or Luke's jealousy of the Chilton dad gave her comfort. Even the affectionate looks he gave her over the past few days told her that their relationship could handle going the next step.
Her new strategy – get to the point. Cut to the chase, get down to brass tacks, draw a map – whatever it took to get his attention, it was going to happen today. Today he would ask her out and she would flirtatiously accept his manly offer. Even if she had to put the words into his mouth, then drag it out of him.
Constantly hopping from one foot to the other, she waited for Luke's return to the diner. She'd long since been back in order to work the lunch shift, which was a good thing, because Rory still had to drag Jess into the smallest effort. It did not escape Lorelai that Jess' eyes sparkled when Rory was bossing him around, and she made a mental note to warn her in some way.
When Luke walked through the door, her energy level spiked and she barely held herself back from hugging him again. She'd been quite worried about where he'd gone when he stalked off.
Her heartbeat was bouncing in time with her feet as he sweetly thanked her for her help, before launching into his story of finding the big and tall casket store. This was a Luke she could work with, she thought. The warmth in his eyes as he let her draw him into her Lucky Duck Cluck story was entrancing. Had he always had eyes such a deep blue?
They drew closer as she assured him that he was doing the right thing, and for the right reasons.
Her nerves were on edge. She wanted to let him know subtly that she liked their current level of intimacy and wanted to see about going even further, but to be honest, she couldn't think of any way to tell him that didn't sound like a lame pickup line. Then, in the flash of a moment, her mother walked through the door and Luke disappeared upstairs to change his clothes.
After greeting her mother, and Emily took the time to inform her how unhappy she was that Sookie had fired her, Lorelai stood entranced as Emily described her vision of Lorelai's wedding. Unnerved that Emily had caught Lorelai's love of snow so accurately and had described a scenario that Lorelai actually could have imagined for herself, she had to push back.
"I know that in a million years, you would never let me plan your wedding. I gave up on that dream a long time ago. Yours was going to be a Russian winter theme – the Romanovs."
"Before the firing squad, I assume?"
"Snow white roses, trees with white lights and candles, snow everywhere, you arriving in a silver sleigh with white horses."
Pushing aside the image of Luke standing in a winter wonderland in the tuxedo that Emily would most certainly insist on him wearing, Lorelai tried to stop the discussion.
"It just doesn't seem like me," Lorelai insisted as she saw herself dreamily floating in a Stars Hollow winter wedding scene.
"Well, it would have been beautiful."
"I'm sure it would have been."
"It's obvious that wouldn't even be appropriate anymore being as I'm probably standing in your reception hall."
"Excuse me?"
"Burgers and fries for the dinner? The bride walks down the aisle with a ketchup dispenser in her hand."
Now Emily had gone too far. It was one thing for Lorelai to explore her feelings for Luke, but it was completely another for her to mock their relationship by describing a wedding that would embarrass Emily so much she'd never consider attending.
"Please tell me what you're talking about." Trying to confuse the issue was one of Lorelai's best tricks for getting out of an uncomfortable situation.
Emily would have none of it.
"I'm talking about Luke."
Lorelai shifted uncomfortably. She hated it when her mother hit too close to home.
"Luke? Mom!"
"Well, it's obvious, Lorelai."
"No, it's not, Mom." Lorelai's anger began to grow.
"You're with him constantly," said Emily smugly.
Everyone (almost) in Stars Hollow knew not to say things like that about Luke and Lorelai's friendship. "He feeds me."
"You bring up his name constantly."
Why couldn't Emily just follow the rules? Denial always struggles in the face of facts. "One again, he feeds me."
"The moment he calls, you run to his side."
That she would defend until her last breath. "He's my friend, he needed me; I had to be there."
Emily smirked. "Yes, I know you did."
Luke rushed into the dining room, still buttoning his flannel. The first thing he noticed, as always, was Lorelai, followed by her mother. Steam was virtually rolling out of Lorelai's ears, suddenly making it obvious where the continual humidity came from that make even her straightened hair get curly again quickly.
Now that the arrangements had been completed for Louie's funeral, he could breathe again.
"Hi," he greeted Emily.
"Hello." Her greeting was curt. "I have to go. I'll see you for dinner tonight, Lorelai. And Luke, I'm sure I'll see you again soon." Turning as she opened the door, she looked sharply at Luke. "What do you think of the Romanovs?"
"They probably had it coming," he replied.
"A match made in heaven." Emily shook her head and walked out the door.
"That was weird," he said. He looked at Lorelai. She was angry, no doubt from something her mother had said.
Suddenly Luke's brain was filled with the weird things Lorelai had done over the past few days.
Lorelai stared at him.
As Emily reached the sidewalk, Taylor Doose came around the corner.
"Ah! Mrs. Gilmore?" he greeted her cordially.
She looked at him for a moment, before she recalled his name. "Hello, Mr. Doose. Nice to see you again. We met at the Independence Inn, didn't we?"
He preened with pleasure at being remembered by such a fine lady. "Yes, we did. It was that Renaissance dinner that your daughter had."
"Well, truly Renaissance it wasn't, but she tried," replied Emily.
He nodded. "Way too many non-sequiturs, certainly. The feather on the Squire's cap was misplaced and the wrong color." He smiled, pleased to find a person of like mind. "So what brings you to town?"
"I was helping Sookie with her wedding plans, at least until she changed her mind about everything. It was going to be a glorious, fun affair, right here in the square."
"You know I would have done everything possible to make sure you had the right permits. A wedding planned by you would be the talk of the county."
She gave him her "I know you're sucking up to me and it's the proper thing to do" smile.
"Sadly, it is not to be. My daughter put a complete stop to everything." Emily shrugged innocently.
As if they had one mind, the pair turned back toward the diner door and looked for Lorelai.
"Oh my god!" exclaimed Emily. "What is that man doing?"
Taylor growled, "He's violating a number of Stars Hollow ordinances, most obviously the Preservation of Our Children's Morals ordinance and a large number of sanitary regulations. Let me handle this."
Emily's eyes narrowed. "I will not be embarrassed in this way. I will deal with her!"
They looked at each other and smiled, happy to have a partner who knew what the right thing to do was.
They threw the diner door open and rushed inside, its bells jingling angrily.
As Emily exited the diner, Lorelai cracked. Her stare turned into action.
Before he could ask what had happened between her and her mother, Lorelai launched into a frenzy, continually bouncing up and down on her toes as she searched for a way to release her energy.
"Dancing midgets moving the gazebo to make room for the 16 piece orchestra!" she blurted. "That's crazy, right? And what does it mean to have a Romanov wedding when they're all just going to get killed afterward? The snow was a good idea, though, and the twinkle lights are a must, but they're already all over the town, so we don't have to worry about them, except if we need more twinkle lights because Harry has retired and maybe I should ask him if he's got a closeout sale. But those were the crazy thoughts that Emily put into my head, when all I really wanted was to make you feel better about your Uncle Louie, or maybe a date, or a kiss, or a hug back. Instead I copped a feel, for which I am very, very sorry; I really just meant to pat you on the knee, and now I was going to let you ask me out, but then Emily walked in and discombobulated me and my mind keeps going in circles as I try to figure out how to fix this, if there's even anything that needs fixing."
"Yeah, that's crazy," answered Luke, grateful to have recognized something from her rant that he could respond to.
Lorelai waved her arms in the air wildly. "She makes me insane! She waltzes in here, all Porterhouse steak and running to your side. Oh! I'm so angry!"
Before Luke could ask her to follow up on the part where she was going to let him ask her out, Lorelai grabbed his blue flannel, pulled him to her, and kissed him angrily.
Stunned by the kiss, Luke let it go on until Lorelai stepped back, her chest heaving as she looked at him.
This had been a crazy week, and seemed to be getting crazier by the minute, Luke thought. First Uncle Louie's demands and his insufferable relatives, and now Lorelai Gilmore had planted her lips on his without warning. It was like accidentally bungee-jumping into heaven – a shock, but oh, so much happiness.
After debating for a split-second about whether Lorelai had really lost it this time, he groaned, "Oh what the hell!" Then he pulled her back into his arms and started their second kiss.
"Lorelai! What do you think you are doing?" exclaimed Emily.
"That is a clear violation of Ordinance 432.H.19, the POCM regulation!" shouted Taylor. "You must immediately cease and desist!"
Emily turned to Taylor. "What in the world is that ordinance?"
"The Protection of Our Children's Morals regulation," replied Taylor blithely.
"Oh, I like that law. Can we put them in jail?" she smirked.
"Unfortunately, no. There was a problem back in the days of Art Brush and Fay Wellington that resulted in a legal judgement that these highly necessary morality laws can't receive more than a modest fine."
"What a shame," said Emily. "The moral compass of this country has degraded beyond belief. I do like the way you've got this town organized, though. Very proper behavior."
The bells jingled, and Taylor and Emily looked to see Mrs. Kim coming through the door, clearly incensed at what she could see through the diner's picture window.
"Mr. Doose, what is going on here?" she demanded. "First you allow French fries, and this is the result! Complete debauchery in the middle of Stars Hollow!"
Lorelai and Luke broke apart, gasping for air. He tugged on her shirt, unwilling to let her get too far away.
"You're stepping on my boots," he said. "Bouncing, actually."
Lorelai shrugged. "You told me they have steel toes. What does it matter?" She grinned sexily at him and opened the buttons on his flannel so she could slide her arms around his waist with one less layer.
"It's the bouncing that annoys me," he complained. "Do you ever stand still?"
She finished with his flannel and pulled him to her aggressively. "Stupid man. Later I'll show you just how much fun bouncing can be." She giggled. "Wow. That was really dirty."
Luke wrapped his arm around her shoulders and protectively pulled her into his embrace. "Tell you what, as soon as you let me ask you out, we can revisit the whole bouncing thing." With that he captured her lips once more.
"They really aren't stopping, are they?" asked Emily.
"They're like rabbits," agreed Taylor.
"It's a sin," complained Mrs. Kim. "Can't we hose them down or something?"
Taylor grimaced. "Yeah, the courts kind of don't let me do that anymore either," he mumbled.
"Well, we must do something!" cried Mrs. Kim. "Think of the children!"
Emily sighed. "I think the best thing we can do is plan their wedding. It's looking inevitable at this point."
"Wedding? They are engaged?" asked Mrs. Kim. "That makes this less unacceptable."
"They are not engaged. My daughter keeps denying her feelings for this man. She is so stubborn. The minute I tell her a simple truth, she has to disagree with me just because I said it was true. It's like talking to a teenager."
Taylor scoffed. "Lorelai stubborn? You haven't met Luke."
"Oh, I've met Luke. Over and over again. If not face to face, then he's in Lorelai's stories or has helped Rory with something. To hear it, he's their personal Lancelot; their white knight. Scruffiest knight I ever saw," Emily muttered.
"They must marry. It's the only way to make this shocking display acceptable to God," stated Mrs. Kim.
Emily sighed. "I don't think we could stop them if we wanted to. It's a match made in heaven."
She crooked her head and looked back outside at the gazebo. "Mr. Doose, what would it take to arrange a wedding here in the town square?"
Taylor puffed himself up like a chicken. "There are regulations, of course."
"I expected nothing less from you. One must have standards," agreed Emily.
"A wedding? I have many antiques that would be suitable," offered Mrs. Kim. "There are silver candlesticks, and linens and many beautiful things."
Taylor looked thoughtful. "Hmm, if the wedding is of any significant size, we'll have to work around the gazebo. I presume you have plenty of Hartford connections who must be invited, correct?"
Emily's good mood returned. "Why yes! There are the relatives, and many business acquaintances, and the DAR, or course. If we were to move the gazebo, we could make space for a 30-piece orchestra, couldn't we?" Previously, Emily had kept her plans for Sookie's wedding modest. For Lorelai, she had no boundaries, especially if she could keep the reception out of the diner.
"Live music is truly the best," agreed the Selectman. "Will you have a harp trio as well? If yes, then we'll need to move it and put the harps up there, under shelter. My niece plays harp, and they are simply too large to move quickly if it begins to rain."
She turned to Mrs. Kim. "We must go to your shop so I can reserve the items that we will need. Mr. Doose, will you accompany us? A man's opinion would be so helpful at this stage." She threw a look at Lorelai and Luke, still off in their own world. "It's clear we won't get any help from those two."
"I'll be happy to assist in any way I can. Ladies?" he held the door open for them as they went off to make the arrangements.
FIN
A/N: This was a long, hard birth, but I really wanted to play with the notion of Lorelai being in a "sowing wild oats" mode as the reason she didn't try Luke as a partner in the early seasons. Seeing as she hardly changed from this grown-up teenager state throughout the whole series, I think it explains a lot of her behavior.
The fact that Lorelai and Luke are starting a romantic relationship based on a whim of Lorelai's and a "what the hell" attitude from Luke pretty much asks for a sequel, just to find out how they crash and burn, because they will. However, I'm not sure I have the wherewithal to actually execute, so this will be defined as complete.