There are things I cannot allow myself.
I cannot allow myself to be weak, I cannot allow myself to slip up – I cannot allow myself to show what I am feeling.
Things like that.
And the feelings I have for you I cannot allow myself to have.
Somehow, when I lose track of myself, when I relax, when I feel at ease, I slip and you see what I do not want you to see – the look in my eyes that I cannot get rid of – the look in my eyes when I look at you.
…However, I am making progress.
When you came in dripping wet from the rainstorm outside and came into the kitchen to warm up, there was a specific water droplet that was making its' way between your breasts that I did not catch on my finger. (I admit, I may have stared at how your onmitsu uniform clung to you when wet… Anyway….)
You must see I am making progress.
If you knew how much I wanted to just plunge into wild abandon and reach out for you…
You would be so happy.
But I am not one to make you happy – something you cannot see.
This man I am cannot provide you with everything you need – I have hurt you far too many times to make amends.
But god knows, it's so hard.
If I had not left, if I had not duelled with Okina, if I had not said the things I said, done the things I've done…
Then there could have been a time and a place where we could've reached out for each other with no problems.
Even so.
What kind of a man am I who leaves, is dragged back after causing irreparable damage, stays in silence – then falls in love with the girl who is my ward?
…You are no girl now – a strange woman with the same features stands before me.
So familiar yet so alien – I know you best, yet not at all.
All I can do is hope.
If you find someone else…
If my forced indifference to your feelings has the effect it should, maybe then I can see you truly happy.
And I would be happy too – if only because you were.
From the shadows in which I am rooted, I can watch your light spread.
Truly, I would be happy.
The brightness in your eyes would be enough to warm me.
It wouldn't be so hard if you didn't just look at me like that.
Like I am your everything.
If I tell myself that it does not hurt…
Then maybe it will not.
...But am I hurting you?
I… Am not enough for you.
…
You know…
I think you do know to some extent what I'm thinking.
However, if either of us says it out loud…
What are we to do then?
Are we to simply nod and part ways with that understanding between us?
…Sometimes I just want to say it and see what happens.
To tell you and be done with it, damned be the consequences.
Misao… I… Love you.