A/N: This song is called "Hate me" by Blue October.
Disclaimer: You recognize it? I don't own it.
~I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They're crawling like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home~
It had been five months. Five months since Cas had left the Winchesters to go fight his own war. And the war was done, peace had been restored to Heaven and he was left, on his own. And he hated admitting it, but he felt lonely. And God (wherever he was) knows he wanted to go back, check on the boys, but he couldn't. Because even though he was an Angel of the Lord, he was scared shitless. Scared of the feelings he had been trying, with all his might, to bury deep inside. He had no other choice either way, he had absolutely nothing to offer, he couldn't stay on earth, he had no way of offering any sort of longterm relationship to Dean. Not that Dean would want anything like that anyway, Castiel scoffed at himself.
But he had to be honest here, his pride was hurt. He had thought that at the very least, the Winchester boys would have called for him over the past five months. Would have needed him.. Would have missed him.
But not one peep. He'd always kept the proverbial, celestial, lines open for them. Not that he would have come if they'd asked, no.. But part of him longed to be missed, to be longed for the way he longed for the man who meant everything to him, as well as his younger brother.
~There's a burning in my pride
A nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you
Will you never call again?~
As Castiel sat down on a bench, in someone else's little 'slice of heaven', a sunny afternoon in a beautiful park, completely void of people, he figured it was better this way. It was better to have the boys hate him. To go.. How did humans call it again? Oh right.. Cold turkey. But his heart ached. And for all the times he himself had died, nothing could compare to this sort of pain, because it wasn't his vessel's skin that was broken, it wasn't his heart, because that wasn't really his own to begin with.. No, it was his soul, his grace, it had a proverbial tear in it that likely would never mend on its own.
The only thing that Castiel didn't quite understand is why he somehow liked the pain he was feeling. He actually reveled in it. It made him feel so unbelievably human. Castiel slightly snorted at his own train of thought. Who would have ever thought that? Angel of the Lord, Solder of God.. And he felt human. And just like Dean had said.. He'd take the pain and he'd take the guilt. And a slow tear made its way down his cheek.
~Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you~
Dean shot upright in his bed after a particularly troubling dream. It wasn't monsters, it wasn't demons, it wasn't Sammy being in trouble for the so manieth time. It was an angel in a man's body. Eyes blue as the sky, hair dark as night. He had seen the angel sitting there, on a bench, leaning forward, elbows on his knees and a blank stare into the distance. The angel hadn't seen him and Dean had felt slightly like a voyeur, but he couldn't tear his own eyes away if he wanted to. He didn't want to.
Dean felt his heart beat in his chest and it was heavy. As much as his conscious mind did not want to admit it, he missed the angel, beyond belief. He missed his strange quirks, he missed having his personal space obliviously invaded, he missed the dark, gravelly voice, he missed the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen in his life. And most of all, he missed how the angel made him feel safe. Protected. Worth saving.
And when he was there, in his dream, in his own little corner of Heaven, he just watched the most beautiful creation God had ever made. And as he watched, his heart broke. For the life of him, he couldn't understand why this man, this angel, had left him. Not that he had actively sought him out after he left, oh no. His pride would never allow that. Dean Winchester did not need anyone. He was the person other people needed, not the other way around.
And then his heart broke, it broke into a million pieces when he saw a tear make its way from the bluest of eyes, roll down a slightly rosy cheek and fell carelessly to the ground, as if it held no value. But it did.. Good God, did it ever. And as Dean shot up, awoken from the dream that felt like Heaven and Hell alike.. He knew. He knew. He didn't need anyone.. Not even this angel. But he wanted him anyway.
~I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying
And I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling
'Make it go away!'~