A/N: Ay, how's its going. Me is return. Me know English good. That all.

Haruhi opened her eyes to see a whole lotta herself. "The hell?" she mumbled.

"Ah, Haruhi, glad to see I didn't kill you, my beloved. That would have been sad." Tamaki said.

"Where did you get fricking life-size cardboard cutouts of me?" Haruhi asked.

"Kyoya knew a guy," Tamaki said, mysteriously.

"Tamaki, I don't want to be here! Let me go!" She said as she noticed the chains around her hands tying her to the bed.

"Kinky, isn't it," Tamaki said.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Haruhi punctuated.

"Oh, many things are wrong with me, my dear Haruhi. So, so many things."

"Let me go!" Haruhi complains.

"Why would I do that. I love you so my princess."

"When my dad sees that I'm missing-" Haruhi started

"Oh yeah, I killed your dad like, twelve people ago. You really never noticed that your dad bit the dust?" Tamaki interjected. "He was #2 on the list."

"YOU KILLED MY DAD!?" Haruhi yelled

"Well, yeah. I would have killed your mom too, but... you know. She was #3 on the list." Tamaki said nonchalantly.

"You made a list?"

"There was a LOT of things to remember. I mean, thirteen people to kill is just too hard to remember after a good murdering. Well, six, but that's beside the point."

"What even was the point, to begin with?"

"You were, and still are, my beloved sugar muffin dumpling cake. Do you want to see my list?"

"No."

"Well, too bad," Tamaki said as he put the list on top of Haruhi so she could read it without using her hands (because they're chained you forgetful sardines).

"You killed everyone that took me as a host?"

"I'm working on it. There are 324 people following you on our website, including me. My username is TotallyNormalSchoolGirl-NotTamakiInTheSlightest57. Surprisingly TotallyNormalSchoolGirl-NotTamakiInTheSlightest one through fifty-six were already taken. So were 69 and 420, but that wasn't in numerical order, so I asked Kyoya why and he said to leave him alone. Gooooooood times."

Haruhi stared at Tamaki speechless.

"But anyways, you don't have to serve any more customers, my jello covered piranha of sunshine. We will be each other's customers for eternity."

"No, go away."

"You're not very appreciative. I dragged you up two flights of stairs for a couple minutes of intent sleeping staring and complaining. Sometimes I have to think is it worth it? Yes. Any questions?" Tamaki asked.

"What did I ever do to you? Let me go."

"You became the only thing that matters in life, my squishy Haruhi."

"What the f #$ does that mean?!"

"You have much to learn my baby JuJuBee."

"There is seriously something wrong with you."

"It took you this long to notice?"

"Good point. Wait, how long are you going to keep me here?" Haruhi asked.

"Forever, or until I brainwash you enough to go out in public again."

"You're going to brainwash me?"

"I bet your cute brain would be so fun to bathe. I'll buy the dollar tree soaps just for it."

"You're rich, can't you at least brainwash me with expensive soaps. I thought you loved me."

"YOU'RE RIGHT!" Tamaki yelled overdramatically. "Only the best soaps for my beloved. Hey, servents. I need the most expensive, juiciest soap in the world!"

"Alrighty then." A servant yelled back.

"Your brain shall be clean of all besides the love for me soon, my baby penguin covered in nacho cheese."

"You have the best pet names," Haruhi said sarcastically.

"Glad to see you stopped complaining. Now onto the fun part." Tamaki said and started laughing evilly again. His laughter was cut short from the twelve years that it would have been by the servant asking "Is $345,000,000 expensive enough of soap. It says 'extra juicy' in the description."

"Yeah, yeah get that one. And don't disrupt me again! I'm busy!"

"How will I give you the soap Master Tamaki if I cannot disrupt you?"

"Find a way! That's what I pay you to do!"

"You don't pay me, your parents do, and they pay me to make sure you don't kill anyone, or get killed. I think I'll be fired soon, though. I just have that feeling."

"Yes, now we both agree you suck at your job. Go away."

"If your servants are anything like you, he won't listen," Haruhi said.

"Back at complaining. Well, the fun part still needs to start." Tamaki said.

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm gonna do the best I can."

~~~~ one freaky week of nonconsensual soap shenanigans later ~~~~

"So, Haruhi, how do you feel now?" Tamaki asked.

"I love Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi replied. She spoke in a monotone voice.

"Good. Will you take my hand in marriage?"

"Yes, I love Tamaki-senpai."

"Oh, how wonderful. Servants!" Tamaki called to his servants.

"The hell do you want!" One servant asked, "And it better not be more freaky s #t."

"I want you to arrange a marriage!" Tamaki said over dramatically.

"I love Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi said.

"Yep. Freaky s#$t. Bob, you owe me twenty bucks!"

"Damn," another servant said, probably Bob. "Why can't you just be normal and let me win bets!"

"I love Tamaki-senpai," Haruhi replied.

"My love tree of pickled saxophones playing country music is right. That's why you can't win bets."

"It just makes sense," the first servant said, walking away to arrange the wedding.

A/N: Peyton: What the hell happened to our poor fanfiction. It started with "Hey twins" and now we're at "My love tree of pickled saxophones playing country music". I think we finally lost our sanity.

Pyromoose: Whelp, a loss of sanity is a small price to pay for a mediocre fanfiction that only has six favorites and five followers. And did anyone catch my Nightmare Before Christmas reference? (I don't own Nightmare Before Christmas. If I did I probably wouldn't be writing this weird ass fanfic if I did. I don't own Ouran High School Host Club either, just in case you thought I did. Peyton doesn't either. Becky does, but he doesn't share.) Got anything else to say, Peyton senpai?

Peyton: I can't decide whether you should live or die! Oh, you'll probably go to Heaven, please don't hang your head and cry, no wonder why my heart feels dead inside! It's cold, and hard, and petrified! Lock the doors and close the blinds, we're going for a ride!

Pyromoose: Oooooookkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy then. We're going on a ride. The next chapter will be the wedding. Sorry, we haven't updated this story in a while. School stuff. Review or I'll tell Tamaki you love Haruhi, and if you've been reading you would know you wouldn't want that. REVIEW!

Peyton: Please comment. PLEASE! We're desperate!

Pyromoose: SSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNPPPPPAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIii!

Peyton: BELOVED! How many times do I have to tell you to calm down!?

Pyromoose: I da no. I english good. Follow Dark Queen Peyton on . See you next time!