Tales of a brownie

by Karganeth

As Rin begins her education as a member of the Mage's Association Shirou must face his greatest challenges yet as a janitor of the Clock Tower. The brownie of Homurahara will be faced with the dangers of British cafeteria food, card tricks, and a cult that keeps claiming he destroyed Atlantis.

2. Attack of the mob

CH2 The Mob

Disclaimer: Fate Stay Night and all related works are the property of Type-Moon (and I suppose what ever companies that have contractual claims too. Bleh). All additional content out side of Type-Moon belongs to their respective owners. I do not make any money off of this and only write because it occasionally amuses me.

Chapter Content Warning: This chapter contains children. Viewer discretion is strongly advised.

Chapter Posted: 7- 8-2017

Chapter Updated:

AN0: This chapter didn't turn out quite as good (I'd dare say it is outright cringe worthy at a few points) as I was hoping for but I decided that I can only rewrite it so many times.

CHAPTER START 1

When Shirou slept, his dreams usually fell into one of four categories; swords, lots of fire, more swords, or even more fire. Sometimes cooking was involved. Tonight the young man instead dreamt of a tireless black knight who fought on no matter how many limbs were lost, a vicious white beast that made even the mightiest of knights run in fear, and lastly a holy cup rumored to hold the power of miracles. If there was ever an ill omen of the chaos that would be unleashed upon this day to haunt the world for all of eternity, then this was probably it.

Now if only his Saber senses would stop tingling…

With a start Shirou awoke and found himself staring straight into the red slitted eyes of his boss standing awkwardly above him with a rope. For a moment the only sound that could be heard was the breathing from Rin sleeping in the room next door.

"Oh, thats a relief, for a moment there I thought you were a girl" said Shirou glad that his Saber senses where wrong for once. A slightly uncomfortable silence ensued that even Shirou managed to notice.

"…I have to admit, that was definitely not the reaction I was going for here" said Zelretch as he took a single step back from the red haired boy laying on the bed.

"Really?" asked Shirou in confusion as he slowly sat up. Was he supposed to have a specific reaction? If this was some sort of post entrance exam then he had definitely not studied for it…

"Just to be clear, is there any reason in particular that you are fine with me standing over you but not a girl?" asked Zelretch gravely while keeping the rope at the ready "your answer may or may not affect your future employment and odds of survival under me."

With resignation Shirou concluded that this was a test after all. Oh well, he might as well go with the truth.

"A friend of mine told me that it is improper for a boy to sleep in the same room with a girl" said Shirou as if reciting the gospel "but he made it perfectly clear that it is fine for boys to sleep in the same room."

"Was this friend of yours by any chance a priest or a monk?" asked Zelretch as he slowly put the rope away in one of his sleeves.

"He's training to be a monk" said Shirou with a raised eye brow "how did you know?"

"No reason in particular" grumbled Zelretch while rolling his eyes. Now Shirou was just getting more confused. It almost sounded as if Zelretch didn't think that priests and monks could be trusted on matters of moral values. That was just silly.

The trick was figuring out if your priest was fake or not.

"If you say so…" said Shirou before turning to his alarm clock "…is there any reason you decided to show up here at three in the morning with a rope?"

"Yes, and I have greatly regretted that reason ever since you woke up" answered Zelretch rubbing his temples as if to stave off a headache "I came to… take your measurements using the rope. Custodial uniforms don't grow from trees you know."

To Shirou Emiya who had thought that forcefully stripping the student council president to check for command seals was perfectly reasonable, this made a lot more sense than it probably should have. Or perhaps it was just the early hours of the morning. Either way, Shirou found himself awed at the idea that his boss could have such a high work ethic. The willingness to wake up at such an early hour just to avoid interfering with Shirou's classes and work hours was a stark contrast to Rin and his guardian Fuji-nee. In fact, a large part of him couldn't believe that he had finally met someone with similar work standards….

And for that reason Shirou Emiya would never be unsure of the man's intentions ever again.

"I can send you my measurements later today if you prefer" said Shirou with a smile as an idea came to mind "since you went through all of this trouble just for me how about I offer you an early breakfast."

"Oh, I wouldn't want to intrude…" the vampire replied with a bemused look.

"Nonsense, it would be an insult to my pride if I failed to live up to my Japanese heritage as an excellent host" said Shirou with a small smile on his face.

"In that case what did you have in mind?" asked Zelretch as he followed Shirou out of the room and into the kitchen.

"I was thinking about doing a stir fry soup so that I could have the leftovers for lunch later today" said Shirou with a slight grimace as he recalled yesterdays lunch at the Clock Tower. He would definitely have to do something about that sometime later "by the way would you prefer your beef medium or rare?"

"Hm…" mused Zelretch as he considered his options "I wouldn't want to be cliche so lets go with extra crispy today."

"…Medium it is then" replied Shirou as he got to work on preparing the vegetables and started forming mini meatballs from the beef.

"I have to admit that you certainly don't seem like the traditional type of magus that would even bother to study at the Clock Tower" said Zelretch as he took a seat at the table "is there any reason other than your girlfriend that you decided to?"

"Honestly, I wasn't really interested and only came because Rin had already put a lot of effort into making it so that I could attend as her apprentice" said Shirou as he adjusted the pressure cooker before turning back to face Zelretch as an unyielding steel like determination entered his eyes "however, even if only a single day has passed, I have come to realize that this was definitely the right choice. Thanks to you I have gained a great deal of experience on my path to becoming a hero of justice by facing the abominations that threaten mankind. I even learned some valuable tips on close quarters combat. A lot of things that I didn't understood before have suddenly started to make a lot of sense."

"…For some reason my pride is feeling a little bruised right now" said Zelretch as he stared at the boy with slumped shoulders "…and what exactly was it that fighting a bunch of eldritch abominations helped you understand?"

"I recently read some historical articles about the legendary hero Gilgamesh of Uruk" said Shirou as he continued his cooking "apparently he specialized at Sumerian wrestling going so far as to kill gods with his prowess in the art. I thought that this was odd as it didn't seem to fit into his usual tactics of raining swords. But if Sumerian wrestling is actually a form of CQC that has no rules then everything make a bit more sense."

"Actually, swords had nothing to do with Sumerian wrestling" said Zelretch as he leaned back in his chair "its just that Gilgamesh was so good at wrestling that he could kill anything up to and including gods in a single blow. He started using weapons because he got bored of winning all the time and wanted his enemies to at least have a chance of beating him."

"Huh, really? Thats actually pretty terrifying" admitted Shirou with a shiver as he placed a pot of soup on the table along with scrambled eggs and toast "anyways, breakfast is finished."

Shirou went back and brought out some silver wear along with several bowels.

"I have to admit that this definitely exceeds what I had expected from you" said Zelretch as he took a spoonful of the stir fry "you definitely weren't lying when you claimed that you where skilled at cooking. I'm even willing to go so far as to rate this as a six out of ten."

"…Rin and I like to hold cooking contests once every weak where we each try mastering a new dish. The two of us are almost evenly matched and I'm hoping that this dish will help break our tie. With this onion, basil, and beef broth I think that this might just do it" said Shirou as he took his own seat at the table "but I have to say that the secret ingredient that defiantly brings out the dishes potential is the garlic"

"Garlic?" asked the vampire of his minion "…did our bonds forged in the heat of battle really mean so little to you?"

"Huh?" asked Shirou innocently as he blinked in confusion "I have no idea what you are talking about."

SCENE BREAK 2

As she took a seat at the back of the room, Gray looked around the classroom feeling slightly depressed at the age gap between herself and the rest of the students. As a novice class for beginners, the rest of the students were not even in their teens.

Officially, classes such as this were provided for the children of Magi who were too busy with research. It was not uncommon for a research experiment to require weeks if not months of nearly constant attention leaving a magus temporarily unable to fulfill other obligations. Obligations such as training their heirs. The class was purported to provide a dynamic learning system on the basic dos and don'ts of magecraft while allowing students to gain experience at mana manipulation. Unofficially, the class was an over glorified day care.

There was however one exception to the age gap in the students.

A red haired boy a couple of years older than even herself sat in the row right in front of her. With an intense focus he carefully tore a page from his textbook. Already half of the pages were missing from the hefty tome.

"…Um" She really wanted to ask why he felt the need to destroy his textbooks but thought better of it. She had learned to accept that magi were an odd bunch and that trying to understand them was an endeavor of futility at best. That and most magi didn't like to be asked about their magecraft.

Fortunately, someone else decided to ask in her place.

"What are you doing?" asked a young girl with pale blonde hair that that failed to reach her shoulder blades. Her teal-blue eyes crinkled in amusement as she stared at the expertly folded paper with a seemingly knowing smile.

"Oh, I'm just studying" the young man replied nonchalantly as he expertly folded the page into a sword using the ancient art of origami. Once completed the redhead merely gave the paper sword a single glance before he promptly tossed the folded paper over the smiling girls head into a trashcan. He then proceeded to tear out another page.

"Oh, and how does destroying books help you study?" asked the young girl charmingly as she stared at him with a strange potency. Gray found herself curious about the boys statement as well. Was his magecraft focused around Origami?

"My master said that Magi aren't supposed to talk about their magecraft" said Shirou with a small shiver "she was painfully insistent on that going so far as to threaten learning necromancy."

Gray nodded to herself at the boys statement as the little girl playfully pouted. Most magi tended to be very protective of their crafts. If the young man was an apprentice then sharing the secrets of his own magecraft would be no different from sharing his masters secrets.

"Oh, then do you mind if I sit by you? I'll be sure to not distract you" said the girl with a pleasant smile "my name is Manaka by the way."

"Sure, my name is Shirou, and I'll be happy to help you anytime you need it so don't be afraid to ask" replied the redhead with a small grin of his own before returning back to his work.

"…I'll be sure to hold you to that" said Manaka with a conspiratorial smile as she took a seat.

For a brief moment eye contact was established and Gray found herself staring into teal eyes that held for only the briefest of moments a cunning inhuman intelligence. So short was the moment that Gray almost thought that she had imagined it.

Throughout the eons of history it is said that there have been sudden moments of clarity were a person discovers a fundamental truth of the world. An absolute that is known to every fiber of their being as if it was engraved into their very souls.

In that moment a clarity overcame Grey were she knew with absolute certainty that Manaka was a being who existed for the sole purpose of relishing and ravishing Gray. Or perhaps not Gray herself specifically but rather an existence that Gray was somehow deeply connected to. It did not matter the time period or even what world Gray came from. It did not even matter what gender Gray was. Manaka's entire world was a very morally Gray place focused on a single person.

As eye contact was broken and reality reasserted itself Gray found herself almost gasping for breath in pure terror. The greatest of all her fears had finally come true…

She had finally found a second Svin!

It was almost five minuets after class was supposed to have started that their instructor entered the room followed by another male student who much to Gray's surprise appeared to be around the same age as the redhead in front of her.

If Gray was forced to describe them, she would say that the instructor was definitely on the portly side and carried an air of pride like a second coat. All things considered, this was far from uncommon among magi. The younger man who had moved to take a seat at the front of the class had wavy blue hair that made Gray think of a certain plant from the ocean.

"My name is Gordes Musik Yggdmillennia" the man said grandiosely as he demanded the attention of all the students "and I will be acting as your substitute teacher. The normal instructor had a… small accident yesterday and won't be available for a while. But do not worry, for I am more than qualified to teach this class. Now are there any questions?"

"Uh hu" said a young girl with short orange hair pulled to the side in a ponytail as she raised her hand with a grin on her face "I'm bored. When do we get to start the cool stuff like blowing people up?"

"…There will be no explosions in this class" said Gordes as an expression of uneasiness crossed his face at the little girls question "I think I'm going to go ahead and skip the questions for now and go onto introductions. You at the front end of the room state your name and goals for the class to hear."

The student who had followed the instructor in rose from his seat and swept back his blue hair.

"My name is Shinji Matou" said the seaweed head with a sly smirk "and my goal for the future is to bring my bloodline back to its former greatness."

The redheaded who had previously been so engrossed in his work nearly banged his knee on the desk as he jumped up from his seat in surprise

"Shinji!?" asked the young man completely stunned "what are you doing here?"

"Oh? Well, if it isn't my good old pal Emiya" said Shinji while he brought a hand back up to sweep his hair again and let a large smirk cross his face "why are you so surprised? As a proper Magus isn't it only natural that I would be a student at the Clock Tower?"

"Ah" was the lackluster response of his good old pal "I had honestly forgotten about that."

"Oy, Emiya" said Shinji as a small frown crossed his face "you're starting to make me look bad here. The Matou line might have declined a bit over the past few centuries but we are hardly dead. If we were then the Yggdmillennia faction wouldn't be so interested in me. A crestless spell caster like you has no place criticizing me."

A strange look came over Gordes face after learning that tidbit. Gray imagined that the man wasn't all that pleased to learn that one of his students was not only uninterested in the advancement of magecraft, but he was also a first generation magus.

"If you say so Shinji" said Shirou as he stared at the blue haired boy skeptically "but since when do you have a crest?"

"I don't yet" admitted Shinji before he released a small snigger "but my grandfather said that he was so surprised that I had managed to survive the Grail War that he would go ahead and let me have part of the Matou crest… I just have to wait for him to finish his vacation in Vegas."

"As informative as this all is" said Gordes before shooting a small frown at both of them "we really need to move on. There are some people here who actually have aspirations for the advancement of their magecraft. Please continue with the next student."

The introductions continued for several minutes as one by one each student gave their name and goal to the class. Gray honestly didn't pay much attention to the procession. Before long it finally came to the pale blond haired girl that terrified Gray to the core.

"My name is Manaka Sajou, heiress to the Sajou magic crest. As for my goal? I'm afraid that is a secret~" teased the girl with small a curtsy.

"Very good Ms. Sajou, we are happy to have you here. Now may the next student stand up" said the instructor prompting the redhead of the class to rise from his seat and give a polite bow to the class.

"My name is Shirou Emiya and this might sound silly, but…" the redhead replied with a frown "…my boss said that he doesn't want me to embarrass him by telling other people my goals."

"Just go ahead and say it Emiya" said Shinji with an annoyed huff as he slumped in his seat and lifted a finger towards the redhead "people are going to figure it out sooner or later and I would prefer it if one of the people I consider to be my rival could at least say his goals with full confidence in himself."

"Ah, if that is the case then…" said Shirou before his face turned into smile of such innocent purity that for a moment the world itself seemed to be frozen in time "…I really, really, want to be a Hero of Justice."

For a moment Gray felt her breath get caught in her throat. She looked around the class and noticed that many of the other students also appeared to be affected by the strange phenomenon as they stared at Shirou with wide eyes.

The worst of them was poor Shinji who was left gaping in his seat with his finger still pointed in the redheaded boys direction. For a moment Gray wondered if he was broken. She couldn't be sure from back here but it almost sounded as if he was muttering something about Shirou and chicken magnets. Gray was becoming more and more certain that she would never understand city folk and their strange ways.

'Gihihihi! It would seem that the white knight skill set is super effective on children' came the amused observation of the mystic code hidden in her right sleeve 'that young man is truly with his intellectual peers among children.'

With a loud thump the young orang haired girl who was more than likely to be a psychotic monster disguised in human form jumped up from her seat. With her short orange hair, complexion, and amber eyes she looked suspiciously similar to Shirou. Perhaps they were related? Gray failed to recall the girls name from the earlier introductions.

"…Are you saying that magi can actually do something other than being a bunch of stuffy old bores?" asked the little girl from her new standing position as she pointed accusingly at Shirou with wide uncomprehending eyes.

"Though I wouldn't word it like that, I don't see why we can't" replied Shirou as he absently rubbed the back of his head "its not like the only thing that magecraft can be used for is to simply further the advancement of magecraft itself. In fact there are plenty of applications…"

"No you can't!" shouted a flustering Gordes as a trickle of sweat broke out above his brows "there are no jobs for magi other than being magi! Everything else is just a lie! Propaganda by the vile Church!"

Gray blinked in confusion at the antics of Gordes which seemed so at odds with his pompous attitude. He was acting as if his students suddenly deciding to not be magi would… Oh, never mind. Having the years of indoctrination that parents had put so much effort into making their children follow the 'proper' path broken down would no doubt reflect poorly on the instructor of the class. What would make it even worse was that it was still only the first day of classes.

It was more than evident that at least a few of the younger and more impressionable students had yet to be taught of the reviled concept of 'spell casters' who cared not for the advancement of magecraft.

"I don't get it" admitted Shirou as he raised a skeptical brow at Gordes "there are plenty of jobs that magecraft can be used for. I use to fix a lot of mechanical devices such as motorcycles with the help of magecraft."

The commotion in the class room came to an abrupt end as loud banging and crashing sounds came from the hallway just outside of the classroom. The sounds of an epic battle being waged just outside the door filled the room and captured the attention of the entire class as yells and screams were heard. Few could have correctly guessed at what horrors lay beyond that door.

"Oh no its gotten loose again!" came a distressingly familiar voice and it took every bit of will power Gray had to not hide her face in her hands "it will eat us all alive!"

"Somebody help" came another familiar voice "we need a hero of justice!"

The redheaded young man, Shirou Emiya, immediately leapt up and rushed to the door with a blazing determination in his eyes that somehow tugged at memories Gray knew she didn't have. Without a second thought the aspiring hero of justice immediately heaved the door open and prepared to wage battle on the unknown horrors that threatened the innocent.

And with a resounding clang a frying pan smashed into his head.

"…I can't believe that your plan actually worked Flat" said a voice that compelled Gray try to hide herself deeper inside her hood.

"Of course it worked Svin. Was there ever any doubt?" asked Flat as he cheerfully approached the fallen hero "but did you really have to hit him so hard? There are so many things I wanted to talk to him about…"

"I always doubt any plan made by you. The fact that they all somehow manage to work out in the end doesn't mean that I'm going to let my guard down for when reality starts to make sense again" replied Svin before peeking his curly blond haired head inside the door "sorry for the commotion but we… wha- Gray!"

"Sorry Svin but we still have an important mission!" said Flat with a casual smile as he forcefully dragged his partner in crime towards the comatose Shirou "you can go back to stalking Grey later once we have finished turning this guy into our friend."

For a moment the class could only stare in stunned silence as the pair of blondes abducted the redheaded young man. Even the perpetually cheerful Manaka seemed surprised by this turn of events. Nothing could prepare you for Flat Escardos. Nothing.

The silence that permeated through the room was shattered into a million shards.

"What!?" shouted Gordes with his body now trembling in emotions beyond mere rage and a holy fury shined in his eyes at the sight of the retreating duo "who is it that would dare to slight my name by stealing a student in broad daylight!? Even if that boy is no better than a back water savage… he is still my back water savage!"

With a speed that Gray did not think a man of such bulk could move with, Gordes charged out the door with a trail of blazing dust following him as he hunted down her rapidly retreating peers. Apparently this slight caused by Flat and Svin was the last straw that broke the camels back so to speak. To be honest, he was taking this far better than most of the professors do when this happens.

'I think that this is going to be the start of a wonderful year' came the voice from her sleeve.

The rest of the children having heard the abductors identify her as a possible accomplice all turned their heads simultaneously in her direction with a synchronicity that caused Gray to whimper as she tried to hide further in her hood. It didn't work.

And throughout all of this, Shinji remained catatonic with his mouth agape still staring as where Shirou had once sat.

SCENE BREAK 3

"Are you absolutely certain about this Flue?" asked Luvia as she held a cell phone up to her ears. Luvia couldn't help but smile as she walked down the crowded hallways of the Department of Fundamentals.

"Yes, I am certain" replied the carefree voice of Flue "I even triple checked my divinations. The El-Melloi are definitely going to make their move on a certain magic crest soon."

"Well, we can't have that now can we" mused Luvia as she considered the implications "you have done a great service by bringing this to my attention Flue. Anything that can be used to hinder that disgrace of a lord is something that I'm willing to pay for. I will send you the usual fee with a bonus depending on just how much damage this can cause."

And with that Luvia ended the call. She didn't trust the astrologer or his intentions a single step more than she could throw him and even that was being far too generous. What she did trust was the filthy spell casters greed for money. So long as no one else came by with a better offer, then she had a decent source of information on future events. Naturally, she would make sure to double check with her other informants before making any move on the information herself.

Their relationship was simply one of convenience that had started nearly a year ago in a castle of angels. It certainly wouldn't do if he had found a new patron whom wanted to discredit the Edelfelt name by having her act on false information. Furthermore, while his information usually came far in advance of anything her other sources could provide, the information he provided often lacked the fine details necessary to make a plan.

"Ho ho ho ho" laughed Luvia feeling a little giddy as she made her way into the class room. She completely failed to notice that several students start to distance themselves from her at the sound of her laughter.

"Is it just me or do I hear the sound of a hyena suffering from one to many bumps on the head" asked Rin aloud from her position leaning against a wall with a single eye open focused on Luvia. A small and twisted smile was stretched across her face.

"Oh, what is this? Do my eyes deceive me or do I see a talking board?" sniped back Luvia with a red face. Why in the world did that insufferable gorilla girl have to be here too?

"Why you…" growled Rin as her own face started to turn red.

"Oh, did I hit a nerve?" asked the Edelfelt heiress as a dark smile manifested on her face "I guess that it can't be helped if a penniless failure like you couldn't afford to pay for the proper food needed to grow properly in addition to the jewels required for our trade."

"Hardly. The Tohsaka still make a decent amount from our many patents. I can more than afford to pay for my craft from that alone" said Rin with a belittling smile as she held her head up high "the difference between us is that I don't like to rely on the hard work of others too much."

Luvia felt her eyes twitch at that. She almost wanted to ask why the young Tohsaka head even bothered to use her magic crest which by its very nature relied on the hard work of the girlss ancestors. The only thing that stopped her was that, unfortunately, Luvia privately had to admit that this was one area that she could agree with Rin on. There was nothing that could compare to standing on your own two feat and showing the world what you could accomplish with nothing more than your own wits and determination!

That didn't mean she would let the insult slide.

"Well, of course a barbarian from a back water country like you would think that. I suppose it was wrong of me to expect that someone who believed themselves to be a proper magus would understand the intricacies of financial investments. You know, making sure that your descendants are well off" replied Luvia as she brought a hand up to her face "ho ho ho ho…"

"Shut up and take your seats."

In a flash Luvia and Rin suddenly found themselves seated before the voice had even fully registered in their minds. What a truly terrifying presence!

The chair at the front of the room swiveled around revealing a women of eastern descent with her red hair in a pony tail. Her face held a small yet decidedly wicked smile as she set down a pair of glasses on the desk in front of her. It did not take long before Luvia realized that the women must have put up a bounded field in order to conceal her presence from the entire class. And from there it didn't take much to determine that her hiding was a subtle exam to test their abilities. A test which the entire class had apparently failed.

Luvia shared a look with Rin as they both grudgingly acknowledged their mutual defeat. This pond held a far bigger fish than just the two of them.

"My name is Touko Aozaki and I am your instructor for the term" said the women as she stood up and let her eyes rove across the students. Luvia shivered for the brief moment that their eyes made contact "it would seem that you are one of the few lucky classes that get to have their originally intended instructor. Congratulations are in order."

"What exactly happened to the normal instructors for the other classes?" asked Rin from her seat as a nervous look crossed her face. Luvia couldn't help but grimace herself as she figured out where this was heading.

"A lot of them suffered various 'accidents' during the ceremony yesterday" said Touko in wry amusement "I can't say that I'm surprised with all the chaos that was said to have taken place. A lot of the politically oriented Magi tend to suffer from an obsessive compulsive need to assassinate anything and everything the moment an opening is revealed. They tend to make poor pet owners. Even the department heads like to take a few pot shots at each other every once in a while when the opportunity arrives. It would seem that I was actually rather fortunate to have suffered a flat tire and to have missed the entire ceremony."

Luvia and Rin nervously shared a look as they belatedly realized that they might have unintentionally helped to start more than a just few blood feuds.

"Even if its more out of tradition these days, a lot of magi can't help but join in on a brawl when they come across one. They really only have themselves to blame for their resulting injuries and loss of pride" said Touko before a knowing smirk crossed her face "but that still wont stop those who lost face from taking out their frustrations on the ones who started the chaos in the first place once all the dust from the political reshuffling has settled. The noble families especially know how to hold on to a grudge."

Luvia almost collapsed in alarm. If the great families decided to go after her then where would she get her jewels from? Mundane jewels certainly had their uses but nothing could compare to the crystals grown by alchemist families such as the Einzbern and the Istari. But even more importantly, where would she get the enchanted fabrics needed to make her stuffed animals?

Luvia felt herself on the verge of panicking!

Hoping to find a companion in her suffering Luvia turned to face Rin and noticed from the corner of her eyes something that gave her a moments pause. Her rival had in the last few minutes gained a very pale complexion as large swathes of sweat ran down her face. The girl appeared to be for all intents and purposes on the verge of hyperventilating. Huh. Rin certainly seemed to be taking this pretty hard.

What a wimp.

"Since we have all settled down I will go ahead and start todays lesson" said Touko from her position at the front of the room.

"Isn't this the part where we are supposed to state each others names and goals?" asked a young man with very average spiky brown hair and an even more plain face. With only a single glance it was obvious to anyone who looked at him that he was nothing more than a random and completely unimportant background character.

"Do I look like I care about your names and goals?" replied Touko with a raised eyebrow. She moved back over to her desk and finally decided to put her glasses back on.

And suddenly the women didn't seem quite so scary and psychotic anymore.

"Since this is the first day we will go over a quick refresher on the dangers of magecraft" said Touko as she entered a lecturing pose and a more gentle smile appeared on her face.

Luvia took out her notebook and a pen.

"Not all of the dangers related to the use of magecraft are the results of mistakes made in the preparation or activation phase" said Touko as she masterfully adjusted her glasses causing glint of light to dangerously reflect off of them "it is in fact possible for an experiment or spell to be too successful."

"Too successful?" asked the unimportant background character.

"Hm, perhaps an example would be best? I once made a doll with the purpose of siphoning off my negative karma" said Touko as she reminisced with a melancholy fondness "the kid was a cute little bugger who always managed to get himself into all kinds of trouble. A few weeks after I had made him a good chunk of the city was destroyed in an inferno with his last known location being near the epicenter. It turned out that not only did he take the bad karma I was accumulating from my day to day activities, but he had also absorbed all of the bad karma I had gained throughout my entire life up until that point."

"Was that city by any chance Fuyuki?" asked Rin as she stared dully at the instructor with her face now even paler. Luvia was starting to actually feel some worry for her nemesis. How strange. Usually when she saw an opening she would ruthlessly crush her opponents.

Let it be known that there was a reason that Luviagelita Edelfelt had to settle for stuffed animals...

"Yes" asked Touko as a strange gleam entered her eyes "how did you know?"

"Just a lucky guess" said Rin with the shake of her head "the only city that I could think of that had experienced any major fires like that in the recent past was Fuyuki. Just for curiosities sake, what was the range of the siphoning?"

"I see" said Touko as she held eye contact for a few more seconds "the strength of the siphoning was inversely proportional to our distance from each other. The most effective distance was anywhere within a two kilometer radius so long as there weren't any bounded fields around that dealt with probability."

"Thank you for this most enlightening lecture Ms. Aozaki" said Rin with a cheerful smile "I just need to make a quick phone call."

Rin reached out for her purse before suddenly someone else's arm met her own halfway. The strange part was that the arm that had caught her own was coming from inside the purse itself.

"Huh? Wha-" yelped Rin as to the astonishment of the entire class her arm was pulled into the purse before the rest of her body quickly followed suit.

Then an older red eyed gentleman wearing a hospital gown jumped out.

"Don't mind me" said Zelretch to the befuddled class as he bent down to pick up the purse that was now shaking from the struggles of its new occupant "by the way it turns out that when you combine true magic with a luck sink you get a powerful resonance effect. Just thought you might like to know that if you ever decide to give it another go."

Just before Zelretch reached the exit to the room he paused.

"Oh, one more thing, your sister called me the other day and said that the next time I abducted a student I should ask for your help with something called shibari" said Zelretch before his head was nearly decapitated by a heavily reinforced stapler "fine, have it your way, I guess I'll have to figure it out on my own."

The shaking of the purse greatly intensified after that.

"I had hoped to test it out first on that annoying minion of mine but he apparently has some powerful danger senses. Too bad for you."

SCENE BREAK 4

From her seat the El-Melloi princess stared in front of her at the bound boy tied to a chair. The young man having only woken up moments ago hadn't even bothered trying to escape. Reines had to wonder why was it that the survivors of the holy grail wars all tended to be abysmal magi. And she didn't mean that just in terms of talent either.

Her internal thoughts were sadly interrupted by a far more troublesome development.

"Do you have a super hero costume?" asked Flat with a smile as he walked up to Shirou "I personally think that the mysterious stranger disguise is the best."

"I have something in mind for a costume but I haven't found all the parts I need yet" said Shirou as he replied with an uncertain smile of his own "but I honestly hadn't considered an actual disguise. Maybe we should trade notes?"

"Oh, dear" mumbled Reines starting to realize that she might have made a terrible mistake that would haunt the world for all of eternity.

"We can be super hero buddies conquering the world through the power of friendship!" exclaimed Flat as his imagination took him to strange places where others would easily get lost "we can even have cool catch phrases and a theme song like Gandhi and Batman!"

"Flat, as entertaining as this conversation is sure to turn out, could you please wait until I have finished my business with him?" asked Reines from her raised seat before she turned back to looking down at the Emiya as if she where a judge preparing to hand out a verdict "do you know why you are here?"

"Because somebody hit my head with a frying pan" said Shirou dryly as he looked up at her "I have to admit that I was impressed by your plan to capture me. The operation perfectly took into account one of my two great weaknesses."

"Ah yes, when we learnt that a boy bearing the Emiya name was going to be attending at the Clock Tower we immediately dug up all the information we could find on him" answered Reines with a small smile forming on her lips "among the many documents we found was a certain forty-two page essay from junior high about what you wanted to do for your life. From there Flat managed to come up with a plan to capture you."

"The only trouble was losing that instructor. For some reason I don't think he wants us conquer the world" said Flat thoughtfully at the completely alien concept while Svin simply sighed is resignation.

Her maid as usual continued to dutifully stand behind her on the watch for any sudden threats.

"A little over a decade ago your adoptive father, Kiritsugu Emiya, committed a grave crime against my family" said Reines as a predatory smile crossed her face "during the fourth grail war your father murdered my older brother Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald. What made the act even more despicable was that Kiritsugu destroyed our families magic crest for absolutely no reason other than the fact that he could."

"Um, sorry?" said Shirou as he sat there fidgeting "while I don't doubt that something took place if you really felt the need to go through with all of this, I'm afraid that I don't really understand where I fit into things. My father never seemed to be the type to pointlessly kill people and I was adopted after the fourth grail war. Furthermore my fathers crest was destroyed after he died."

"That is not entirely true" said Reines as a sly smile crossed her face "while the crest your father carried on him may have been destroyed, it was only ten percent of the full Emiya family crest. The remainder of the magic crest is currently under the supervision of the Mage's Association."

At the young mans startled look Reines couldn't help but smile. Hook, line, and sinker.

"I believe that I have an offer that you can't possibly refuse" said the blond doll like girl with her voice oozing confidence "I will help you obtain part of the Emiya family crest held onto by the Mage's Association. In return for my help you will be indebted to me. Neither of us alone have the power to obtain the crest, but by combining my families influence with the favors owed to your fathers name we will have all of the leverage we need. While the crest can't be directly transplanted to an adopted child such as yourself, that doesn't mean that a new crest can't be made from it with the proper influence."

"What is the Emiya crest capable of?" asked Shirou with his curiosity piqued. The El-Melloi princess smiled at that. Of course the boy would only be interested in obtaining the crest if it was useful in helping him save people. Almost any other magus would have instead started bargaining on the details of the favors.

Fortunately, Reines didn't hate simple minded people like him.

"According to my sources the Emiya families magic crest focused on time manipulation" said Reines as she listed what few facts were known to the public "according to rumors the crests abilities bordered on the level of a reality marble."

She saw a rather odd expression cross her captives face at that.

"Thank you for the offer but I'm afraid that I will have to refuse" said Shirou in resignation sounding as if he really did regret his decision "prior experience has taught me that time traveling future versions of myself are bad for my health. It would get troublesome if I had to keep setting up false memories of where I had last slept every night along with a bunch of traps."

"What?" asked Reines at the odd statement made by her captive. She looked around at the others trying to figure out if she had misheard him and noticed that Svin and even Trimmau had perturbed looks on their faces.

Naturally, Flat who was busy balancing a pencil on the tip of his nose was of no help.

"But don't worry" the boy continued oblivious to his previous statements effect on everyone "if my father did unjustly destroy your families crest then as a hero of justice it is only natural that I right the wrong. If you can provide evidence of your claims, then I would be willing to hand over the Emiya crest to you so long as you promise to never use it to aide the forces of evil."

Reines just stared. She'd had an idea as to just what she was getting into but apparently even that wasn't enough to deal with the older boy. It had taken her long enough to get use to one Flat. This was getting a little uncomfortable.

To Reines great relief a ringing sound interrupted the awkward silence before it could go on any longer. Svin walked up to the bound boy and pulled out a cellphone from the young mans pocket before handing it to Reines. At her look Shirou simply shrugged unsure of what the call could be about. Arching an eye brow Reines turned on Shirou's cell phone.

"Shirou Emiya, you insufferable and pathetic excuse of a minion, I have kidnapped your girlfriend and will claim vengeance upon you for the great offense committed against me this morning" came the sound of a gruff male voice "you know where to meet me."

Then the caller abruptly hanged up.

"Anything important" asked Shirou with a hint of genuine concern in his voice.

"It would appear that your girlfriend has been kidnapped" said Reines blinking owlishly at the phone "all he really said is that you would know where to meet him."

"Oh, thats a relief" said Shirou with a sigh of relief "for a moment there I was worried that it would be something serious."

"Is this supposed to be some kind of a joke?" asked Reines as she stared at the young man. Warily she looked around the room for any devices could be a camera. Unfortunately, the Department of Modern Magecraft dealt with a lot of electronics so she couldn't be sure with all the miscellanies devices placed on shelves spread across the room.

"Oh no, not at all, my boss was being completely serious… I think" was the unconcerned reply of her captive "its just that Rin getting kidnapped is not exactly new to me. The first time she was kidnapped was by her own servant. It got a bit more complicated when an ex-friend of mine, a wrestling king, and fake priest got involved. I'm sure that she will manage to escape on her own again if I can't get to her."

Reines made a mental note to never hire any of the Tohsaka houses former servants. They were clearly unreliable. And what in the world was a fake priest supposed to be anyway?

The door to the class room opened and Lord El-Melloi II entered the room with a cigar sticking out of his mouth.

"…I don't want to know" said Waver as he saw a young man tied to a chair, his adoptive sister sitting with that ever dangerous smirk on her face, and his two most troublesome students milling around the room. With that said he marched past them with a scowl on his face into the next room.

"Huh, Professor Charism- Er… I mean Lord El-Melloi II seems to be in a good mood" noted Svin as he looked at the door oddly "normally he would just double our homework without even asking."

"Don't worry, there is plenty of time for that to change" noted the mercury maid Trimmau from her position behind Reines.

"FLAT!" yelled Waver Velvet as he barged back into the room with all the blazing fury of a volcano "why is my toilet painted gold and why are there plastic skulls hanging everywhere?"

"I thought you would want the porcelain throne to look nicer" replied Flat with a smile expecting praise.

"Elaborate" demanded Waver as he glowered down at his greatest headache producer.

"Well, with you're scowling face I figured that you would wan't a great beacon of light to brighten your day" replied Flat as if the answer was obvious "a place where you can sit down and think happy thoughts for all of eternity."

"For violating my most sacred and holy of grounds I am quadrupling everyones homework" growled Lord El-Melloi II before turning to Reines "and why is there a man tied to a chair?"

"He's another survivor of the Grail Wars" said Reines in amusement as she watched Svin start to chase Flat around the room "I figured that I should go ahead and work on completing my collection. Jealous?"

There was never a dull day in the Department of Modern Magecraft.

"You fought in the fifth Grail War?" asked Waver with surprise as he turned to study the redheaded boy more closely "what is your name?"

"Yes, I did and my name is Shirou Emiya" answered Shirou looking back at Waver in confusion.

"Shirou?" questioned Waver as a light of recognition shone through his eyes "you wouldn't happen to be the same Shirou working for Zelretch?"

The El-Melloi princess nearly fell out of her seat at that little revelation. She had abducted a servant of Zelretch! She had tried to bribe a minion of Zelretch! She had received a threatening phone call from Zelretch…!

And then, as if there was some sort of a massive bad luck magnet in the vicinity, the door to the room was smashed open as a large pompous man barreled into the room along with a small orange haired girl leading a small ragtag army of children.

"I'm sorry master" whined Gray pitifully on the verge of tears from her position bound by ropes as she was hoisted into the air by several of the children "I have failed you…"

"Don't be afraid Gray" said a girl with short pale blond hair as she soothingly patted the young women's head with a cheerful smile "soon everything will be all better and you will never have to worry about anything ever again…"

SCENE BREAK 5

"And this is why I believe that you should invest in my project" said Zelretch as he pointed at a powerpoint display being projected onto the wall "as the graphs show there is a clear and present trend of growth in the thefts of rare and powerful mystic artifacts. It is clear that pocket universes are the future of the vault industry as all other vaults simply aren't cutting it anymore."

The room was decidedly small. Not as small as a closet but nowhere near as large as any of the lecture halls. With red oak book cases that were filled to capacity with ancient tomes and several tasteful paintings adorning the walls, the room gave off an archaic if not tranquil atmosphere. The room was exactly the type of office Rin expected from a proper magus of the Clock Tower.

And that just put Rin further on edge.

"How much will this all cost?" asked Rin pretending to be interested if only to avoid offending the dead apostle ancestor who had seen fit to kidnap her.

"Between the research required to set up the biometrics and soul scanners along with keying people into the system…" mused Zelretch as he started plugging numbers into a calculator "…roughly three hundred and sixty billion U.S. dollars."

"I'll pass" answered Rin without a second thought.

"You say that now" said Zelretch as he looked up from his calculations "but just wait until a terminator zombie or a bunch of bloody magpies come and steel all the valuables belonging to your distant descendants."

"…No offense Lord Zelretch but was there an actual reason that you decided to abduct me in the middle of class?" asked Rin as she discreetly allowed one of her gems to fall from her sleeve into an awaiting hand "and does that reason in any way involve ropes?"

"What, you mean I can't check up on my old student Nagato's line?" asked Zelretch with a hurt expression as he looked at her "and don't worry, I made the whole thing up."

"Come again?" asked Rin as she stared at the Vampire.

"I made the whole thing up" repeated Zelretch as he stared down at her "keeping those two sisters at each others throats is something of a hobby of mine. There was no phone call and there are no ropes involved in our little get together here."

"…Why?" asked Rin in horrified awe as she stared at the monster sitting before her.

"Mostly because I can" admitted Zelretch with an unconcerned shrug.

Rin just continued to stare with her mouth agape causing Zelretch to roll his eyes.

"So what progress have you made on the sword" asked Zelretch as he leaned back in his chair "it has been several centuries now and while I never really expected that much from the Tohsaka, I do think that it has been more than enough time for your line to at least have made some half hearted attempts by now. Sure they probably exploded and failed in a spectacular fashion, but progress is progress and nobody ever said that magecraft was for wimps."

"What sword?" asked Rin as she stared at the vampire with a tilt of her head.

"…I don't suppose you have ever heard of The Jeweled Sword of Zelretch?" asked the vampire as he looked at her in exasperation "the sword that I had hired the Tohsaka line to rebuild for me with the offered payment being an apprenticeship?"

Why on earth would anyone want to become his apprentice? Everyone knew the stories of the fourth dead apostle ancestor and the state he left all of his apprentices in. If apprenticeship was his offered payment then it was no wonder her ancestors hadn't put any effort into rebuilding the sword. The only benefit that came to her mind would be virtual immunity from just about everyone…

Well, lets see, there were probably a large number of families with some possibly ranking as high up there as the great noble families themselves gunning for her. Her boyfriend might be the legal property of her instructor who herself suffered from a multiple personality disorder that depended on what glasses she wore. She had no political support as the few families that she was officially allied with were the Matou and the Einzbern who were more than willing to sell her out to the highest bidder. Forget that, they would probably sell her out just because they could. And finally, Rin herself had already attained enough attention from Zelretch to end up getting kidnapped into his office in the first place…

"In that case could I ask that you allow me to have a peak at your memories of the sword" asked Rin as a cheshire smile crossed her face "I promise I will have results that even you will have to acknowledge by tomorrow night at the very latest."

It would cost her the rest of her jewel stockpile but that was fine. Between her genius and Shirou's ability to reproduce swords it would be child's play to remake the Jeweled Sword if they could get their hands on the original makers memories and knowledge.

"…Are you implying that your family hasn't even started on my request?" asked Zelretch sounding rather miffed "and that you think you can somehow rebuild one of my greatest masterpieces from scratch overnight? Just like that?"

"Yes" answereds Rin without delay completely certain in her calculations "so long as I get the memories."

"I really should just use the kaleidoscope to figure out just what kind of craziness I have gotten myself into" muttered Zelretch as he stared down at her with an unreadable expression "but at this point I feel like that would be cheating."

"Wait, do you mean that you don't know everything?" asked Rin perplexed at the very notion. The very idea was practically a life changing concept for the young magus.

"I could, but do you have any idea how boring that would be? Knowing everything would take all the fun out of life" said Zelretch before he muttered with a shudder "but mostly I'd just hate to end up as a deranged lunatic like that Manaka girl."

Huh, who would have guessed that at least a few of the rumors were false. But then, hadn't she already scolded Shirou just the other day for believing baseless rumors himself?

"In my defense, the rumors about you being omniscient seemed far more reasonable than some of the other absurd things that I have heard" admitted Rin with a wry smile and a shake of her head "such as the director being the ghost of King Solomon. Really, why anyone would believe that he is not only still alive, but that he is planning to wipe out humanity and is limiting our control over thaumaturgy through his control over sealing designations is completely beyond me."

"…Yes, that is most certainly an absurd and baseless rumor with no grounds in reality at all" said Zelretch with a small cough "besides I do try to keep in touch with the more important events and people with my sorcery so in a sense I am omniscient when it comes to the things that actually matter."

Rin simply stared back at him with a raised eyebrow at that odd denial. And apparently Zelretch chose to misinterpret her questioning gaze.

"Don't take it personally" said Zelretch consolingly as he patted her head "I'm sure that you are important in your own special way too. It's just that, compared to the rest of the universe you are nothing but an insignificant spec who's actions will have zero effect in the grand scheme of things. It is neither my fault nor your own that you aren't important enough for me to bother knowing who you are."

CHAPTER END

OMAKE START

"Ishtar you pathetic wench" said Gilgamesh as he stared out at the encroaching sandstorm that heralded the approach of Gugalanna The Bull of Heaven with his arms crossed "did my rejection make you crawl back to your father Anu in tears to beg for his help?"

Gilgamesh walked forward without fear as his loyal companion and only friend Enkidu followed at his side.

"Shall we then?" asked Gilgamesh as he turned to his friend with a feral smirk.

"If that is your will my king" said Enkidu with a gentle smile as the form of a massive bull that toppled over the mountains themselves emerged from the massive storm and charged towards them.

"Lowly God, hear my name, for I am Gilgamesh King of Uruk and my word is law!" yelled the golden king as he took another step forward in defiance of the heavens themselves "you who have spread famine and disaster among my people shall pay for your crimes! Let the Gods themselves tremble before my judgement!"

Day turned into night as Gugalanna's shadow blocked out the sun itself and the earth trembled beneath every step the rampaging beast took. So tall was the god that its head was not even visible from this close up. It was as if the end of times had come for them and them alone.

As the mighty beast finally came into range Gilgamesh with a single step forward pulled his arm back. In a single move he struck the bull. And just like that it was all over.

"Damn it!" growled the King as he slumped to the ground in despair "why did it have to die in a single blow like everything else?!"

As if the heavens themselves sympathized with him a great cascade of rain fell from the skies. Or it might have just been Ereshkigal weeping for her husband but the sentiment was certainly a nice thought.

"Enkidu my friend" said Gilgamesh as he rose up "it would seem that you are the only one who can challenge me anymore and I am in need of a good fight after this disappointing farce."

Turning to his friend the King paused.

"Are you all right Enkidu, you appear to be a lot paler than usual?" asked Gilgamesh in worry for his friend.

"I-I am fin- Er I mean gasp!" said Enkidu as he theatrically placed his hand over where his heart would have been if he were human "the gods have forsaken me my friend… for the death of Gugalanna the heavens have decreed that I too must die! I am afraid that you will have to find someone else to fight with!"

And with that Enkidu fell to the ground. Just for good measure a flower sprouted from his head.

"Enkidu!"

OMAKE END

Next Chapter: London gains super heroes, Touko makes a startling discovery on Dark Amazon, and finally Shirou's first mission is to… steal hair? Oh, My!

AN1: I would like to give a quick shout out for the you-tube channel 'PBS Space Time.' If you enjoy physics and would like to have very complex subjects simplified down to a more manageable level then I definitely recommend this channel. Those videos point out a lot of the subtleties that are hard to catch in QM.

AN2: I suddenly realized that the story was starting to get one of those annoying harem vibes I hate so much purely through female to male character ratio. The solution? Bring in Shinji (far earlier than I had planned anyway) and let him be Shirou's class mate (If I'm remembering UBW route correctly then Shinji had his circuits forcefully opened by Illya's heart). What can I say? I have serious bromance needs and there just aren't that many male characters in nasuverse with enough background to fill the role of a novice magus student. While Shinji might not be of the level quite yet, thats what character growth is for.