Tales of a brownie

by Karganeth

As Rin begins her education as a member of the Mage's Association Shirou must face his greatest challenges yet as a janitor of the Clock Tower. The brownie of Homurahara will be faced with the dangers of British cafeteria food, card tricks, and a cult that keeps claiming he destroyed Atlantis.

3. Explosive Discoveries

CH3: Explosive Discoveries

Disclaimer: Fate Stay Night and all related works are the property of Type-Moon (and I suppose what ever companies that have contractual claims too. Bleh). All additional content out side of Type-Moon belongs to their respective owners. I do not make any money off of this and only write because it occasionally amuses me.

Chapter Content Warning: This chapter is brought to you by boredom. That thing where I have nothing better to do than write this. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Chapter Posted: 09-30-2017

Chapter Updated: 10-14-2017 (A few minor fixes)

AN1: Hopefully this chapter will be a lot less cringe worthy than the last one. I'm honestly regretting doing this as a proper story instead of an anthology of one shots as I find my self feeling forced to explain things when there really isn't a need to leading to halfwitted and last second additions. I will probably redo CH2 someday in the distant future when I'm not being a lazy twit (so roughly around 999M40 to be precise).

CHAPTER START 1

As he walked down a crosswalk with yet another old lady in hand, Flat couldn't help but wonder how much longer this was going to take. Don't get him wrong, the young blonde haired man had absolutely no problem with helping people. Anything that brought him closer to his goal of conquering the world through the power of love and friendship had to be worthwhile.

The problem was that his newest friend, the young man he and Svin had kidnapped earlier in the day, had work in the evening and Master V had assigned Flat to help the young man get back to the Clock Tower in time. Apparently the older boy was new to London and hadn't had the time to learn his way around the city quite yet.

It was only now turning to noon so they really should still have more than enough time…

But that still didn't stop Flat from thinking that this short two kilometer walk was taking far longer than it should have. In only a few hours they had already rescued four cats from trees, stopped a burglary, solved a murder case, helped six senior citizens cross the street, and had inadvertently saved London from two completely unrelated zombie apocalypses. Flat saw no sign that their endless detours would be coming to an end anytime soon.

In fact, they were currently standing across the street from their starting point.

Flat was starting to suspect that they weren't going to make it to the Clock Tower on time. Or even that day. Which really was a shame because he had a lot to do after his homework had been quadrupled. Flat had even been looking forward to doing it all…

But Flat couldn't fail… because Professor Charisma was counting on him!

As the old lady thanked him and walked away Flat turned back to his two companions on this trip. The first was Shirou Emiya the hero in training. The second was the unexpected addition of one Shinji Matou who had followed the rest of his class to the Department of Modern Magecraft but had forgotten the route required to get back to the Clock Tower. Not wanting to enter the line of children following Gordes like little ducklings, the wavy blue haired young man had instead opted to join them.

Based on the blue haired mans scowl, Flat also had a small suspicion that the young man was regretting his decision to follow them. Once again it was only a small suspicion. There was however, another far more likely possible source of the man's discomfort and It was always best to be sure just incase.

"Are you ok Captain Seaweed?" asked Flat of the blue haired man "your face has looked constipated for the last hour or so and there is no reason that we can't visit a restroom if you need to. You don't have to be brave and hold it all in."

"What did you just call me?" asked Shinji as he stared at Flat blankly.

"Captain Seaweed head is Captain Seaweed because the captain wears a seaweed on his head" said Flat not sure what there was to be confused about.

Even a three year old should be able to follow this train of logic.

"…That seaweed on my head is my hair" said Shinji as his eyes started to twitch "and I am not constipated. What I am is no where closer to the Clock Tower!"

So it wasn't abdominal movements after all. How peculiar. Oh well, Flat was sure that he would get it right next time!

This train of thought was fortunately derailed by the sudden appearance of a mysterious stranger and there was nothing that could quite attract Flats attention like a good mystery. Or a possible new friend. Or a squirrel. Or a laser pointe-

"Excuse me!" said the mysterious young gold haired women with a polite smile as she slowly walked up to them wearing a frilly dress "I couldn't help but overhear that you were heading to the Clock Tower. My name is Luviagelita Edelfelt and I would like to join you…. I am new to London and I'm afraid that I have gotten lost exploring the city."

Something about that statement didn't quite add up to Flat. Hadn't Master V complained about a drill haired Edelfelt several times starting a few months ago? The mystery of the young women was already deepening. Perhaps she was one of the professors many stalkers? He would have to keep an eye on her.

The professors innocence and virtue may very well be at stake!

"You can join us if you never want to get there" said Shinji as he turned to answer her with wide maniac eyes.

"I beg your pardon?" asked Luvia as she slowly backed away from and looked at the young man in confusion.

"Despite several hours of walking the farthest we have gotten is a parking lot one block from here before getting turned around" said Shinji as he looked pointedly at the redhead "because someone here has a hero complex."

"Sorry about that" said Shirou as he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly before giving a small bow "but I just can't stand by when someone needs help. My name is Shirou by the way."

"…Tha-that is fine I guess" said Luvia hesitantly "I suppose there is nothing wrong with being chivalrous… even in this day and age."

"Lets all just go ahead" said Shinji as he absentmindedly brushed his hair with his hands "I'd like to get back to the Clock Tower sometime today."

"Sure" said Shirou as they started back down the path that they had been heading "It's not like I want to be late for work."

"If we are late then it is entirely your fault" said Shinji as he crossed his arms "you're not the only one who has a job and I left some equipment I need back in the classroom."

"Oh" asked Luvia as they continued on their way "so the both of you are students and work at the same time?"

"Yes," said Shirou "I work as a member of the custodial staff under a private contract."

"What exactly do you do as a custodian?" asked Luvia turning to the redhead "Its pretty rare to earn a private contract outside of the main departments so it must be an unusual position."

"All I really do is try to clean up my bosses messes faster than he can make them" said Shirou with a shrug "It's something of a competition between us. He's winning."

"What exactly does your boss do again" asked Shinji as he looked back at the redhead with a raised eyebrow.

"Our office of the Mages Association deals primarily with illegal aliens" said Shirou with a small shrug "…and sometimes legal aliens too but I'm told that for whatever reason those are pretty rare."

"I see" said Luvia with a raised eyebrow "…if I may be so bold to ask, were you out here because of work?"

"Nope. He's here because we kidnapped him for our nefarious purposes" said Flat causing Luvia to once again stumble.

"At least you admit it" said Shirou as they once again made it to the edge of the small parking lot "hmm, would you look at that, an old lady. Let me go check to see if she needs help with anything."

"Ok, thats it, what gives Emiya?" said Shinji as he grabbed Shirou's shoulder preventing the red head from leaving "why are you trying to delay us?"

"Ah" stated Shirou with a strained smile "so you caught on to that."

"Of course I did" said Shinji as his scowl grew "as much of a brownie you are, you were never this bad. If you were, then you never would have made it to Homurahara on time for classes. And you're not even being subtle about this anymore!"

"Well" admitted Shirou as he looked around the parking lot "I guess it's too late to turn back this time anyway."

"Huh?" questioned Luvia as she along with Shinji looked at the redhead in confusion.

"We have been surrounded" said Shirou as he scanned the buildings around them.

"I had been wondering about that bounded field I took over the first time we got here" piped in Flat with an uncharacteristically serious face.

"Bounded field?" asked Luvia as she finally noticed the unusually deserted streets of London "how did you notice it and when did you have the time to take it over?"

"I smelt it" said Shirou with an unconcerned shrug.

"Huh, so your method is the same as Le Chien's then" said Flat as he nodded to himself "I just saw the bounded field and took it over because I was bored and didn't have anything better to do."

"Th-thats ridiculous" said Luvia as she started looking around for who ever it was that had set the field up "I'm considered a once in a hundred year prodigy and even I couldn't take over a bounded field like that without any preparation!"

"Really?" asked Shirou as they finally reached the closest cars "what exactly is a once in a century prodigy anyway? I would have thought that once a century would be self explanatory but it doesn't quite work out if I can count my master, along with now you, and apparently Flat here to be among that number during an era when magecraft is supposed to be in decline. I'm really starting to feel that genius is overrated."

"Can we please get back on track about that tiny little detail of us being surrounded?" asked Shinji anxiously "like who they are and what they are after?"

The answer to the latter question became readily apparent as several rounds of sniper fire were shot from the third floor of a building across from them… only to flatten against the very bounded field that had once been built to trap it's targets inside. Several more rounds were fired from the other buildings overlooking the large parking lot only to meet the same fate.

"I think I have figured out what they want" said Flat as he raised his hand up (un)helpfully "I might have accidentally left my top secret plans to take over the world on a napkin back at the gas station and these guys are secret agents here to stop us."

"Us?" asked Luvia with a twitch.

"Of course Golden Stalker, did you think I didn't plan for you guys to help me?" asked Flat almost sounding hurt "…but then again this was back before you joined us and we were busy fighting those Nazi zombies so these guys might actually let you go."

Luvia twitched a little more.

The sudden detonation of an RPG against the barrier might have suggested otherwise but no one bothered to comment on it. They were a little too busy hiding between cars.

"So" asked Shinji as he looked around warily "does anyone have any bright ideas?"

"I can hot wire one of the cars" said Shirou as he moved over to break the window of the closest motor vehicle.

"No need" said Flat as he dangled a pair of keys from his hands and motioned for them to enter the open doors of the car he stood by.

"…That's oddly convenient" said Luvia as she went into the back of the car.

"Hey" said Flat proudly "I found my napkin!"

SCENE BREAK 2

As he entered the pub room looking for his contact, Kairi Shishigou took in the scene and scents of his favorite London hangout. The room was filled with the sounds of idle conversations and clinking glasses while a pungent odor of tobacco and alcohol filled the room. The building was furnished with exorbitantly expensive wood originating from the long lost great forests of Britain and hanging from each corner of the room was a small television playing anything from sports to the news.

The Rusty Turnip was a pub that catered exclusively to magi.

A place where magi could unwind, barter for goods, and trade gossip. But more importantly, it was also one of the few places that was apart of the Mage's Association where smoking wasn't frowned upon. With a puff, Kairi blew out some smoke and made his way over to a small little table across from the entrance where a student sat.

He was a young man with very average spiky brown hair and an even more plain face. With only a single glance it was obvious to anyone who looked at him that he was nothing more than a random and completely unimportant background character.

He was also Kairi's contact.

"Sorry I'm late" said Kairi as he sat down across from the brown eyed man "the police tried to arrest me again and it took me a little longer than usual to ditch them even with magecraft. Lets just say that all the police in London will be busy for the next few hours chasing fake terrorists in the country side."

"I see" said the informant nodding his head with a plain expression. Not that this was intentional, but the young man in Kairi's experience just wasn't very expressive period. It was probably the reason the brown haired spy had been hired by the Americans in the first place.

"I have a mark" said the necromancer as he placed a photo of a young man with red hair and gold eyes on the table "his name is Shirou Emiya."

Of course he had already called ahead to make sure that his informant had enough time to gather the information needed in the first place. At this point, it was strictly a matter of protocol.

"Your needs?" asked the information broker plainly.

"What his magecraft is, what his preferred tactics are, and who his friends are" said Kairi as he adjusted his shades "I want to know what I'm going to need to take down the son of the magus killer."

"You don't" stated the young brown haired man sitting across from him.

"What?" asked Kairi almost slipping in his seat and feeling a little put off "what do you mean by I don't?"

"…I forgot."

With a roll of his eyes Kairi pulled out several wads of bills and handed them over to the informant.

"Plot Armor" replied the younger man slightly more open now.

"Plot Armor?" asked Kairi with an arched eyebrow "do you think you could try to at least make your next statement a little more informative than just two words?"

"…Counter Force" said the young man sticking to his guns with the same determination held by that of all the other underpaid interns in the world. Kairi could respect that in a man.

Those two words still managed to hold a lot of weight to them.

"…Exactly how certain is the agency of this?" asked Kairi as a chill travelled down his spine with his new understanding of just what kind of BS levels of plot armor he might be up against.

The young man patiently held out his hand and with a grumble Kairi found his wallet far lighter. Informants could be so stingy when they thought that their information was oh so valuable…

"My most immediate superior enjoys watching the Grail Wars for entertainment and reports his findings to the agency for a hefty fee" said the brown eyed informant "if I recall correctly, I believe his assessment of the young man was something along the lines of; 'If any of you lesser lifeforms somehow manage to find yourselves earning the ire of that man then you should just go ahead and kill yourselves to save the rest of us the trouble,' though I might be paraphrasing a little bit…"

"So is it just that he's skilled?" asked Kairi shrewdly "because skilled people can still be killed with the proper preparation."

"When the agency asked my superior to try recruiting Shirou Emiya, he replied that any person who can 'level up' from being a third rate magus to soloing the most powerful heroic spirit of all time in less than two weeks was a person that he didn't want to be on the same continent with" replied the informant blandly.

"Ok" acknowledged Kairi as he blinked several times behind his shades "planet powered plot armor. Got it."

"Planet powered plot armor" agreed the informant with an acknowledging nod of the head.

"You know, you really should work on being more expressive" said Kairi with a sigh "people might start thinking that you're bad at civilization."

"Really?" asked the unimportant minor character with the tilt of his head to express his confusion.

"Never mind" said Kairi as he stood up from their table "I'll send the usual fee to the agency for setting up the meeting."

As he headed further into the pub, the mercenary took a quick look around noticing a few familiar faces, though there was no one from his own little circle of friends and associates. Or at least that was the case until Lord El-Melloi II stormed into the pub carrying a small orange haired menace under one of his arms. With a raised eyebrow Kairi watched the only Lord of the Clock Tower to frequent the establishment march straight to a red haired women who he hadn't noticed before.

Her habit of constantly hiding behind bounded fields could get pretty annoying at times. Not that he could blame the former sealing designate who was use to living on the run from bounty hunters such as himself.

"Touko" greeted Lord El-Melloi II as he carried a wiggling form under one of his arms which he set down before the women wearing glasses "I believe that this belongs to you and I would like you to know that I never want to see it again."

"Hello squirt" said Touko as she gently patted the orange haired menace on the head.

"Look at what I found" said Gudako as she happily held out a gameboy "now I can make cute little pocket monsters fight and die at my command!"

"…I'm going to want that back" said Lord El-Melloi II grumpily as he looked at the Aozaki.

"Lord El-Melloi II" said Kairi as he approached the trio "I haven't seen you in a while."

"Shishigou" replied Lord El-Melloi II with a small respectful nod of his head.

"You know" said Kairi as he looked down at the little orange haired girl "playing video games really isn't all that healthy. You should learn to interact more with others or you'll turn into a crabby old man before your time like Lord El-Melloi II here."

"So what you are saying is" asked Gudako as she tilted her head in thought and looked at the scarred bounty hunter innocently "that rather than playing with the lives of people in video games I should instead be doing that in real life?"

"…Sure, why not?" said Kairi with a shrug as he idly scratched his cheek. That was pretty much what magi did when they could bother to be social.

"Cute kid" said Lord El-Melloi II as he stared at them all glumly.

"In my defense" said Touko as she absently typed on her laptop "I wasn't wearing my glasses at the time."

"So thats the excuse we are going with now" noted Kairi getting an eye roll from the redheaded women.

"So" said Lord El-Melloi II as he pulled out a cigar "find anything good on the Dark Amazon lately?"

"Dark Amazon?" asked Kairi with a raised eyebrow not having heard the term before.

"It's a term used to refer to a collection of web sites that various people and societies use to sell magical items" answered the youngest Lord of the Clock Tower "typically without the Association's knowledge."

That made a surprising amount of sense to Kairi. The law enforcement of the Association was mostly run by the Barthomeloi who were all staunch conservatives. Odds were that they didn't even know the internet was a thing. The irony of course was that the Enforcers who all worked for the Department of Law all had a great deal of technical know how in order to remove any incriminating evidence that modern technology could detect.

It really was a case of the blind leading the seeing.

Which made it all the more ironic that Lord El-Melloi II was one of the most knowledgable lecturers on modern technology, when strictly speaking, the El-Melloi were technically apart of the Clock Tower's conservative faction falling directly under the Barthomeloi's thumb.

"For a man who works under the head of law" mused Kairi as he let out another puff "I find it ironic that you are so knowledgable about a black market based around technology."

"As I'm sure you are well aware" said Lord El-Melloi II as he took a puff of his own "I'm not exactly the wealthiest Lord around so I'll take what bargain deals I can get. Besides, you have worked with me in the past on some of my cases so I think you can appreciate just how useful knowledge on the underground markets can be."

That drew a grunt of acknowledgment from the mercenary.

"Even then" said Touko as she formed the final member of their triad of part time smoking detectives and brought out her own cigar "there are some pretty rare items that can be found here if you know how to look for them and I think that this might just be the deal of the century."

"And what exactly would that be?" asked Lord El-Melloi II as he leaned back in his seat.

"A reproduction of Excalibur" said Touko with her eyes glued to her laptops screen.

"And whats so special about a prop item?" asked Lord El-Melloi II with a raised eyebrow "is it autographed from some movie?"

"It's a Faux Noble Phantasm" said Touko causing the youngest lord in the Clock Towers history to break out into a coughing fit as he nearly choked on his cigar.

"…That doesn't even make sense" muttered Lord El-Melloi II as he moved over to look at the screen and saw that Faux Noble Phantasms were apparently now in fact a thing "…Is that a wooden stick?"

Item: Excalibur DOUBLE EXTRA FAUX

Summery: A copy of a twig once imbued with the powers of Excalibur by the 'Lionheart.' This fake Noble Phantasm like all swords belonging to proper servants of the saber class also doubles as a mega particle beam cannon to deal with those cowardly enemies that refuse to fight in glorious and honorable melee.

Final Price: $50,000 (Each)

Quantity in Stock: 7

Seller ID: GilgameshSucks

~Description - Click to Enlarge~

"Particle beam cannon?" asked Kairi with disbelief "they certainly don't make swords like they use to if that's what was once considered proper."

"There is a reason that servants of the Saber class are considered the best" said Lord El-Melloi II with an annoyed scowl "you either fight them up close or you get nuked. Cheaters the lot of them."

"I will keep that in mind" said Kairi with a small wistful nod.

"The real question is how close are they to the original?" asked Lord El-Melloi II looking over the description "…only a four rank reduction in abilities? Thats actually not all that bad for a bunch of twigs."

"Assuming that they are real in the first place" said Kairi before he let out a low whistle "does this guy have some sort of a factory to make them? They might not be a low price, but they are definitely going for a whole lot less than they should be if this is the real deal with those kinds of stats."

"Something of the sort" said Touko as she pointed to a detail they had missed "they have an expiration date when not stored in the proper type of bounded field. Each artificial phantasm comes in a special box that can store the phantasm while sealed. When not sealed they will last an average of four hours."

"Now the question is if this is worth the risk of them being apart of a scam?" asked Lord El-Melloi II with a frown.

"I think there shouldn't be any problem if I ordered just one and waited to see if this is the real deal" said Touko as she made a purchase.

"You should probably just go ahead and blow all your savings while you still can" said Gudako as she continued to play Lord El-Melloi II's game.

"Hm…" hummed Touko with a frown before nodding her head slowly "I guess you're right."

"…Shouldn't you at least wait for you're first order?" questioned Lord El-Melloi II as he stared at her with his cigar barely hanging from his jaws.

"Nothing ventured nothing gained" said Touko as she placed fake phantasm after fake phantasm into her cart "besides, according to this, half of the proceeds are going to orphanages while the remaining half will be used to fight against all of the worlds evils. This right here is good karma."

Kairi took note to never trust Touko when it came to financial advice ever again. This knowledge was nothing new to him, but sometimes it was important to remind himself of the reasons why. He also amended that Gudako gives bad advice. Period.

He still wasn't sure if it was intentional or not.

"…Isn't the Association technically evil?" asked Kairi as he scratched his chin in concern. For some reason he felt a strange sense of foreshadowing at the thought.

"Meh" said Touko waving away the concern out of hand "a minor detail."

Kairi shrugged his shoulders at that. After all, there was no way that any first rate magus capable of making artificial noble phantasms would be the unreasonable type to take on the likes of the entire Association over something as ambiguous as 'justice' and 'evil,' right?

"So" said Lord El-Melloi II as he turned back to the scarred bounty hunter "what brought you all the way back to London in the first place Shishigou? Last I checked you were headed to the airport for a small job out in Africa."

"My plans changed when a hefty bounty on the son of the magus killer came out" said Kairi with a wince "…I have since been persuaded to look for alternative targets."

"Ah" acknowledged the young Lord "so you found out that he's one of Zelretch's then?"

"What?" asked Kairi almost stumbling for a moment.

"Oh, you didn't know?" asked Lord El-Melloi II as he puffed on his cigar.

"Huh" said Kairi before he downed one of Touko's shots in a single gulp earning a mild glare "now I kind of feel sorry for all those suckers who decided to go for the hit. It's for the things like this that you always gather information on your target first."

"So then" asked Touko as she adjusted her glasses "what was it that originally persuaded you to give up?"

"Plot armor" said Kairi as he leaned back in his seat.

"Ah" was the simultaneous response from his two companions showing that they had at least a passing understanding. They must have had prior experience in the matter.

"Professor Charisma" said Touko with a quirked lip as she moved to show them another sale displayed on her laptop "I think I might have found another item that you will be a little more interested in."

Item: Lord El-Melloi II's underwear

Summery: A pair of dirty underwear once worn by the great Professor of Charisma. They have been left unwashed to ensure that they still permeate with his holy greatness. Brought to you by the one trusted source on all items Lord El-Melloi II.

Starting Bidding Price: $3

Highest Bid: $1,475,789

Quantity in Stock: 1

Seller ID: Reines_is#1

~Description - Click to Enlarge~

"Tha-" said Kairi as he let out a chocking laugh and beat his fist against his chest "that just made my day. How do you plan to get back at her for this one?"

"I don't" said Lord El-Melloi II as he stared at the seven digit number blankly "if anything, I'm more impressed with her deviant little mind than anything else. If I had known just how stupid people could be I would have bought some briefs, tossed them into a sewer for several days, and then sold them as my own."

"What about your pride as a magus?" asked Touko with a raised eyebrow in amusement.

"According to my legal contract" said Lord El-Melloi II his eyes unblinking "I am officially recognized by the Clock Tower as Reines pet Guinea Pig. I have no pride."

"…That actually explains so much" said Kairi his eyes holding absolutely no pity for the Clock Tower Lord.

"Hey, Lord El-Melloi!" called out one of the pub patrons as he pointed at one of the televisions hanging from the wall "Isn't that your new car on the TV? The one with the blonde kid waving up at the news helicopter?"

"I don't even know what Flat has done yet" growled Lord El-Melloi II with a scowl as the glass cup in his hands shattered "but I can already guarantee that no one will ever find the body."

SCENE BREAK 3

"Where in the world did you learn to drive?" asked Luvia as her head was nearly smashed into a window yet again.

A question that Shinji dearly wanted answered himself as he struggled with the seat belt to avoid strangling to death. If he was going to die today, then it was going to be by something more awesome than a seat belt, thank you.

"My legal guardian was a yakuza princess" said Shirou as he calmly curved the car around an air borne rocket propelled grenade "I asked her grandfather to have some of his best men teach me their trade over the summer break."

So much for being a hero of justice Emiya. For a moment Shinji actually considered feeling proud of Shirou's descent from grace but experience told him that he would soon be very disappointed with whatever came out of the redheads mouth next.

"They were all very excited to learn that I was planning on going into humanitarian work and put in a lot of effort into helping me out" said Shirou as he sped down the road "Unfortunately, because of their criminal activities, I ended up spending more time fighti- err, I mean reeducating them on proper civility than anything else so we only had enough time to skim over the basics."

Kind of like that. Was it any wonder that the redhead had a few screws loose when those were the kind of people he hung around with when growing up? Shinji honestly regretted not being around to bos- help out the young man when they had both been younger. Shinji was certain that he would have made for a much better influence on the Emiya than the likes of Fujimura-sensei.

"I don't know whats worse" said Luvia as the car was rattled by another explosion nearly causing them to flip over as the car momentarily drove along two side wheels "that you were trained by criminals to fight criminals or that you have the nerve to call this basic!"

"Epic car chases are just one of the many things that a hero of justice might need to know" said Shirou as he briefly checked the rear view mirror after the car slammed back down onto all fours "like abduction, espionage, hacking, and causing pointless massive explosions."

And suddenly this whole hero of justice thing was starting to sound kind of cool to Shinji… wait… what was that last one?

Without a word Shirou put on a pair of traced sunglasses right before he swerved while hitting the breaks and then rammed one of the pursuing cars into a nearby gas station causing an explosion that sent the entire structure up in flames. The explosion generated a powerful gust of wind that slammed a large cloud of smoke and dust into the streets blinding lesser drivers who were not Yakuza trained.

With a lurch the battered car burst forth through the cloud trailing a stream of smoke.

"We are saving the more advanced stuff for next summer" noted Shirou as he raced through a red light "until then I can only claim to be second rate."

"You just blew up a gas station in the middle of London" said Luvia as she looked back in disbelief.

"It's not like anyone else was around after the Nazi's took it over" said Flat helpfully "besides, a few mundane explosions caused by mundane means aren't going to reveal the existence of magecraft to anyone."

"Do we have any ideas on who they might be targeting?" asked Shinji with a grunt as he was banged into a window by a hasty turn. Shinji was starting to suspect that the redhead was doing that on purpose.

"I'm rich so they might be out to ransom me" admitted Luvia before looking away a small flush "…and my family has made a lot of enemies over the years so it could be that."

"It might just be my parents trying to assassinate me again" noted Flat as he stared out the windows "but then again their plans were usually far more elaborate and ruthless than this."

"They set up a bounded field, a team of snipers, several pursuit vehicles, and clearly bribed the entire London police force given that there hasn't been any response yet" said Luvia ducking as the car was hit by several bullets "how can they possibly get more elaborate and ruthless than that!?"

"Well" replied Flat thoughtfully "there was this one time that they summoned cute little ponies to kill me. Things got pretty messy after one of them almost blew up Fem's Casa and a golem castle got involved."

For a moment Shinji considered adding his own two cents about family night at the Escardos house hold, but then he remembered that most of his own family in the last few generations had an unfortunate tendency of ending up as worm chow. Instead he decided to take a far more productive approach for once.

"Oh look" quipped Shinji as an unreadable expression crossed his face at the sound of beating rotors filling the air "they brought an attack helicopter."

Perhaps Flat's comment on secret agents wasn't so far off the mark after all.

"Actually" said Shirou as he peaked out the window at their latest pursuer "that's technically just a scout helicopter."

"Does it matter what kind it is?" asked a panicking Luvia as she looked out the back window "it still has gatling guns on the sides. Do you even care that we are all about to die!?"

"I've faced worse odds than this" said Shirou with an unconcerned shrug "you really have no idea how far archers will go out of their way to kill me."

"I'm sure that if Ayako ever found out about that she would call it karma" said Shinji snidely "though I have to agree that compared to living with my grandfather for eighteen years, an attack by a helicopter and a few dozen terrorists is absolutely nothing. Don't even get me started on my sister-"

A strong downward wind from above rattled the car causing Shinji to pause mid sentence in alarm. He looked back and saw that the helicopter was flying rather low between the buildings as it's manned gatling guns started to spin up.

"On second thought I think you should drive a little faster Emiya…" said Shinji as his face turned a chalky white. Why hadn't he gone with the rest of the class again? In retrospect, following a teacher in a line filled with little children far younger than himself like a little duckling didn't seem quite so bad when compared to being a sitting duck.

"By the way" said Shirou as he skidded the car around a sharp corner just barely avoiding the helicopters first burst of armor piercing rounds that cratered the road behind them "how has Sakura been doing? She seemed a little depressed after she found out that I was going to London with my master. Sometimes I can't help but worry about her."

"You know that smile your girlfriend sometimes gets?" responded Shinji as a glazed look entered his eyes getting a nod from their suddenly very apprehensive redheaded driver. Their driver who didn't so much as flinch at the idea of gatling guns. "Thats Sakura's default face these days. Always smiling at you like a little angel. An angel of death. There is a reason that I went ahead and payed the exorbitant fees for a last minute entry into the Clock Tower and that gramps suddenly decided to go on a vacation to the other side of the world."

"It can't be that bad" said Luvia disbelievingly as she looked at him with a raised eyebrow "even I would hesitate at the Clock Towers late entrance fees."

"Just last week I witnessed the miracle of a bunch of old ladies in wheelchairs learning how to walk again" said Shinji with a haunted expression as the sound and flash from a nearby explosion substituted in place of the more traditional and ominous lightning strike "…I was actually impressed with how much effort they put into jumping off of the bridge."

"I stand corrected" admitted Luvia as she tried to work her jaw.

"Does anyone know the way to the Clock Tower?" interrupted Shirou as he dodged another black van that tried to ram them.

"Good thinking Shero!" exclaimed Luvia as her face lit up in realization "we can get help from the Association! There is no way that they can overlook a targeted assassination of this scale against members of the Clock Tower in broad daylight."

"Nah, that not it" admitted Shirou as a frown crossed his face "I just don't want to be late for work. If I miss one day for something like this then I might start to miss work for similar reasons. I don't want to start forming bad habits."

Talk about dedication to the cause man. Dedication to the cause.

"…I'm not going to even comment on that" said Luvia as she sat back with an irritated expression crossing her face.

"Welcome to the club" said Shinji equally irritated as more air borne armor piercing rounds strafed them "but that doesn't really change the fact that it's a good idea even if his reasoning like always is horribly wrong."

Shinji had to give it to these guys, they were almost as dedicated and singleminded as their idiotic redheaded driver. It almost made him want to turn his friends in himself just to see what kind of money was involved and who it was that they wanted six feat under. Ah, who was he trying to kid, It was definitely Shirou they were after. No one else could possibly incite such a burning desire to see someone dead quite like the redhead could.

His refusal to take action had absolutely nothing to do with his new found fear of his adopted sister. Nothing at all, because Shinji was a good friend who took care of his own and there was absolutely no way that Sakura could read his thoughts from several continents away.

Was it wrong that the little purple haired angel acting as his conscious from her perch upon his shoulder was actually the devil in disguise?

"I don't think that we can rely on the Association for help Captain Seaweed" said Flat as he cheerfully poked his head out the window "there is a news helicopter flying around."

"And the people targeting us are fine with it flying around showing everything that they are doing?" asked Luvia perplexed.

"It prevents us from using magecraft to retaliate" noted Shirou as turned another corner with enough force to send everyone crashing in their seats.

"I found a map" said Flat as he unfolded a map of London "huh, I never knew that there was a Ahnenerbe Cafe near the London bridge. I thought that they were just a myth."

"Are there any places hidden from the open nearby?" asked Shirou as he barely avoided a head on collision.

"Sure" said Shinji snidely "but none that wouldn't leave us trapped to whoever it is they have in those vans."

"Thats fine" said Shirou as he accelerated "I have a plan."

It should be noted that this did not fill Shinji with any confidence. Shirou was after all dating Rin Tohsaka.

"There should be a parking garage coming up soon" said Flat as he looked over the map.

"That should be good enough" said Shirou as he swerved down another corner hoping to shake off some of their pursuers "Shinji, prepare to take the wheel. Flat, I'm going to need you to give me a warning when we are getting close and then focus on the map. Ignore everything else and map a direct route to the Clock Tower's parking lot."

Confused, Shinji moved himself between the front two seats as Shirou followed Flat's directions.

"It should be up ahead on the left in thirty-seconds" said Flat as Shirou leaned back and let Shinji take the wheel from his position between the dynamic duo of their group.

"Ok, thats good, just make sure to avoid driving into anything sharp and pointy" said Shirou before he popped a jewel into his mouth "we don't want to get a flat tire."

"Whats that supposed to mean?" asked Shinji as he once again started to question the plan that in retrospect he really didn't know anything about.

Unfortunately, it seemed that Shirou had already started chanting whatever spell it was that would help them get out of this mess. It was also roughly around this time that another van rammed them from behind that Shinji decided he didn't like this plan one bit.

He was actually pretty proud that he did not scream like a little girl when a barrage of gatling gun fire forced him to swerve back and forth like a mad man.

"Emiya!" shouted Shinji in a wide eyed panic "you better hurry up with what ever you are planning because this is going to be a close one!"

It was as the helicopters armor piercing rounds got closer and closer to hitting their mark that a red bolt flew through the sky and suddenly impacted the air vehicle in a fiery explosion.

"Huh" commented Luvia as the helicopters remains crashed behind them "looks like the Association must have sent someone after all."

Just in time too even if it was a bit last minute with the parking garage now in sight. Unfortunately, the remaining would be assassins were a lot more wary of high ordinance explosives now and decided it would be wise to close the distance.

"We are in!" shouted Shinji just as they entered the structure filled with cars at full speed.

"Unlimited Blade Works" intoned Shirou completing his spell just before they could crash into any of the many parked cars.

And suddenly Reality was replaced with fire and lots of it.

"A reality marble!?" gasped Luvia in disbelief as the fire cleared away to a scene of monolithic gears hanging from the sky. Oh, and there were also swords there too.

"Swords!" shouted Shinji leaning forward with wide maniac eyes as he swerved the battered car around sharp and pointy objects like a man possessed "Sword! Sword! Why are there so many swords!?"

Fortunately some of the swords they ran over seemed to be as frail as paper. This however was not enough to save the car from its fate.

"I think we just lost a wheel!" yelled Shinji as the car started wobbling.

"Keep going straight for two-hundred meters" said Flat as he focused on the map before him "and then make a right turn at the Outer Heaven building on Cogs lane."

"Two-hundred meters!?" asked Shinji as the car frantically dodged more and more swords "there are no lanes or road signs!"

"Then how about now?" asked Flat as he briefly looked up from his map "ya, I think we are supposed to turn here. The professor always did say that the corporations would take over the world someday but I didn't think he meant it quite so literally."

"I'll take that back" said Shirou as he grabbed the steering wheel from Shinji much to the latter's relief.

Anything that put an additional layer between himself and certain death was always welcome in his book.

"You have a reality marble!?" asked Luvia again as she continued to gape at the redhead.

"Whats the problem with him having real marbles?" asked Flat as he continued studying the map and giving directions "we can turn left right about now. I think?"

Shinji was not amused when he finally noticed that the map in the blonde boys hands was upside down.

"Reality marbles are a forbidden magecraft that come infinitely close to true magic!" said Luvia with a growl "it's practically a guarantee for a sealing designation!"

"I don't get what the big deal is" said Shirou rolling his eyes as he made a turn on sword filled land scape enjoying the scenery of their otherworldly commute "you make it sound as if there are actually people out there who don't posses something that comes close to a true magic. And why is it that the people who come close to true magic get sealing designations when the people who go all the way don't? Is coming in second place really considered that bad?"

"Don't be absurd!" shouted Luvia outraged at the notion "it takes generations for a magus line to advance even a little bit!"

"Are you sure?" asked Shirou with a shrug "because it feels like everyone has some sort of forbidden technique or secret weapon that comes close enough these days. Even people who don't even know that they have special powers to begin with. You should probably check your families basement some time. Odds are that there is a super weapon or a scroll containing some forbidden lost magic down there."

"I'm going to have to go with Emiya on this one" said Shinji far more relaxed now "if a third rate hack like him can advance this far then obviously anyone can."

"You call this third rate?" asked Luvia in disbelief as she looked out the window at island sized gears floating in the sky and an ocean of conceptual weapons that were each more powerful than anything that most magi could ever… was that an oven?

Shinji and Luvia both turned their heads in synch staring out the window as the car passed by the once mighty culinary implement. No words were spoken. Some things were simply better left unasked.

"We should be in the Clock Tower's main parking lot now" said Flat getting a grunt of confirmation from Shirou.

As the reality marble receded the car lightly bumped into a cafeteria table holding several very surprised Association students and their lunches as the car came to a gentle stop.

"So" said Shinji as he looked around at the students pointing at them "it looks like we missed the parking lot by just a teensy bit."

"How are we going to explain popping up in the middle of the cafeteria to the Association?" asked Luvia as she looked around "we can't exactly tell them that Shero has a reality marble after everything we just went through."

"Oh, thats easy Ms. Drill Breaker Hyena" said Flat with a knowing look "we just have to let them know that this is Professor Charisma's car. The Association tends to give up and stop asking questions whenever the Department of Modern Magecraft is involved."

"Because you people have the audacity to combine technology with magecraft?" asked Luvia as she stared dully at her fellow blonde.

"That too" said Flat as he nodded his head in agreement.

"Wait…" asked Luvia after a pause "this wreck of a car belonged to that fraud Lord El-Melloi?"

"Yes" said Flat as he looked around sadly "…it was brand new too."

"…Excellent" said Luvia practically purring as she rested her chin on her hands looking at the mass of scorch marks and bullet holes from her position in the back seat "…most excellent indeed."

"Actually" said Shirou as he dusted off his pants "my contract came with a lifetime clause about events involving the 'manipulation of worlds' so I don't think having a reality marble will be a problem from a purely legal stand point."

"So" asked the Edelfelt heiress as she directed her gaze onto the redhead "you have all the qualifications for a janitorial position, presumably have some measure of combat skills, legally posses a forbidden magecraft, and more importantly wrecked Lord El-Melloi's brand new car?"

"…Yes?" said Shirou as he looked at the various dents and smashed windows.

At least she had her priorities straight.

"You definitely need to be my new butler" said Luvia with a look that brooked no room for negotiation.

"Sorry" apologized Shirou as he dusted off his pants "but as tempting as that sounds I already have a contract."

"Then take me to this boss of yours" said Luvia as a predatory smile crossed her face "I don't care who he is, I'll force him let me have you if I have to!"

SCENE BREAK 4

"I have an important mission for you" said Zelretch as he marched back and forth like a drill sergeant in front of a platoon of trainees "this mission will require the cunning to take advantage of any openings, the determination to face impossible odds, but most importantly, this mission requires that you be completely one hundred and ten percent expendable."

Zelretch stopped and turned to face the assembled retinue of the finest he could get his hands on under such short notice.

"You are to obtain a lock of hair from Lorelei Barthomeloi" said Zelretch gravely "I do not expect any of you to survive."

"Does this mission serve an actual purpose?" asked Shirou with a raised hand from his position in the gaudy little office as he looked around with a twitching eye.

Luvia honestly had to wonder about that. Sure the disco ball, colorful assortment of fluffy couches, and various lava lamps were all a little tacky but she really felt that Shirou was overreacting.

"We don't tolerate free thinkers here" said Zelretch with a dismissive wave of his hands "…lets just say that there will be several lives at stake with this mission."

"I see" said Shirou as a steel like determination entered his eyes.

As the three made their way out of the room Luvia couldn't help but stare at the back of the Emiya's head as a bead of sweat made it's way down her neck.

"So your boss is Zelretch?" asked the Edelfelt heiress with a twitch as they left the room.

Surprisingly alive and with no changes to their persons. At least no visible ones. Luvia made a mental note to have a quick check up for any sudden shifts in her personality when she returned home. In retrospect, that lifetime clause about events involving the 'manipulation of worlds' suddenly made a lot more sense.

It did not paint a pretty picture.

"Yes" said Shirou as he briefly turned around and pointed at the name tag on his new janitorial uniform. The white clothes, blue overalls, and big white cap with a big 'N' written on the front looked surprisingly normal on someone working directly under a man with a reputation as infamous as that of the second sorcerers. The only thing missing was a mustache.

The name tag read on the front read as:

'Nameless Minion of Zelretch: 'No Name.'

Warning: This person has lived in the presence

of the glorious Sorcerer Zelretch and has

potentially awakened protagonist powers.

Keep away from the hearts of young and

impressionable maidens at all times.'

Apparently those who worked under the fourth Dead Apostle Ancestor were not worthy of names.

"So much for finally getting my own ninja butler" mumbled Luvia with a slump. There was no way she was going fight over someone already claimed by Zelretch…

"Ninja?" asked Shirou with a raised eyebrow.

"Nothing! Nothing!" said Luvia as she waved her hands in front of her in panic "Nothing at all!"

She had so not meant to say that out loud!

"That was totally racial profiling" commented Shinji from his position behind them.

"Should you really be playing video games?" asked Luvia as she turned to face the wavy blue haired member of their group with a scowl "I thought you said that you have a job to do."

"This is my job" said Shinji as he focused on the game in his hands with an unnerving focus.

"Come again?" asked Luvia as she blinked at the blue haired young man.

"I play games" said Shinji as he turned to her with a smirk "and make money."

"What are you?" asked Luvia with a sniff "some sort of a man child?"

"You're just jealous" said Shinji his tone dripping with smugness.

"…No" denied Luvia as she looked away from him "of course not."

"Uh huh" hummed Shinji as he went back to his game with a small smile that left Luvia feeling as if she had somehow lost that argument. It was a feeling that she didn't like at all.

"So where are we going anyway Shero?" said Luvia as she turned to their redheaded companion.

"To the Vice Directors office" said Shirou causing Luvia to pause and stare at the redheads retreating back in uncomprehending horror.

"Are you insane?" asked Luvia in disbelief "Barthomeloi will kill you if she catches you! I thought we were just going to grab some random persons hair and be done with it!"

Did that idiot not understand just how much women valued their hair? Clearly not because he would be running away screaming right now if he had even the slightest clue as to how long women could spend in front of a mirror. To ruin all of that love and care was a death sentence of the grandest order deserving of nothing less than total annihilation. And that was just for normal women.

Female magi were far more petty than their mundane counterparts.

She really should have just turned around right then and there but a morbid sense of curiosity compelled her to continue on. Would the young man's death come in the form of riding crop or forbidden soul shattering spells of doom? Would it be instantaneous or prolonged for eternity?

Let it be known that one of the two true weaknesses held by all magi was an insatiable curiosity. The other weakness of course was mysteries.

"…Well, my core is twisted in madness, but I don't think thats particularly relevant right now" said Shirou as he paused to look back at her with a warm smile "besides, I have a plan."

It wasn't long before they reached the door to the office of the Vice Director of the Clock Tower. Oddly enough, there appeared to be an unusually large number of small holes in the door. With a shrug Shirou Emiya knocked on the door.

"You may enter" said an aristocratic voice from the other side of the door "so long as this is not a waste of my time…"

The three entered the spacious office and found themselves in a room with yet another Wizard Marshal of the Mage's Association in a single day. The brown haired women who didn't look to be any older than her mid twenties glared up at them from her spot behind her desk.

"Vice Director" said Shirou as he gave a small formal bow "…I have come for your hair."

"…What?" asked Lorelei Barthomeloi as she stared at the young red haired man incredulously.

And Luvia found her jaw hanging at the sheer audacity of her soon to be eviscerated associate.

"I have come for your hair" repeated Shirou as he projected a pair of scissors and stepped forward menacingly towards the Queen of the Clock Tower. His path was swiftly blocked by the Edelfelt heiress.

"I thought you said that you have a plan!" accused Luvia as she turned to the redhead panicking at their coming demise.

"This is the plan" said Shirou as he turned to Luvia with a raised eyebrow and projected a comb "within these mighty scissors of mine are the skills of the greatest hair stylists the world has ever known. Considering how much girls care about their hair, failure is not even a possibility with this once in a life time offer at stake."

…Was it wrong that she wanted to strangle him so very much?

"…Is it wrong that I want to strangle you so very much right now?" asked Luvia as she nearly slumped to the ground.

"Prepare yourselves" announced Lorelei as she glared at them from behind her desk "for your imminent doom."

"Will that really be necessary" asked Luvia waving a hand in front of her face nervously with a tight laugh as beads of sweat made their way down her face "I think that this is all just one big misunderstanding."

"Not really" said Shirou as he stared intently at the sitting form of the Queen of the Clock Tower "my boss told me to obtain a lock of your hair and I will not fail with the current stakes."

"Oh?" asked the Vice Director of the Clock Tower as she narrowed her eyes at the impudent redhead "and who exactly is this boss of yours?"

"I work under Zelretch" said Shirou as gold eyes met brown orbs.

"I see" said Lorelei with a small nod of her head before placing two completely innocuous objects on the desk in front of her "…I think I will go ahead and kill you all now. You may select the instruments of your deaths between this tea cup or this can opener. Choose wisely."

That sounded… slightly more ominous than any of Luvia's previous expectations.

"…Did you just threaten to kill us with cooking utensils?" asked Shirou sounding very unamused as he glared at the Vice Director of the Clock Tower.

Luvia was concerned. She honestly couldn't tell if Shirou was more vexed about the death threat or the idea of cooking tools being used for the art of murder. That scared her more than she wanted to admit.

Fortunately a synthetic voice chose that moment to enter the conversation drawing the attentions of the redheaded magus and the two female magi.

'Congratulations! New High Score!'

"What are you doing" asked Lorelei with a glare as she turned to face the blue haired magus causing the young man to pale.

"…My job" said Shinji as sweat ran down his face "I'm alpha testing a video game where you go around killing zombies and vampires."

"…Kill vampires?" asked the Lorelei Barthomeloi with a small twitch as she stiffened.

"Yes" answered Shinji apparently sensing an escape like the slippery little weasel he was "lots of them. Very brutally I might add."

"And how exactly do these… video games was it?… work again?" asked the Vice Director of the Clock Tower of the blue haired young magus as she stood up "you have my complete and fully undivided attention. If you dare to waste this rare opportunity I will ensure that you suffer a thousand deaths each more painful than the last."

"Well-" said Shinji with his face holding a clammy complexion as he started to lecture the leader of the Clock Towers conservative faction on the virtues of video games and their many, many uses for slaying vampires.

And for a moment Luvia actually considered assisted suicide VIA Vice Director. Sure it would probably be painful if the Vice Director still felt the need to employ tea cups and can openers, but at least she wouldn't have to suffer through this… this… whatever this was. The term insanity simply wasn't adequate enough anymore and she honestly doubted that there was a word in any language for whatever this was.

"-and that is the basics on how console games can be used to simulate brutally killing the undead abominations with cleansing holy fire" said Shinji nodding his head emphatically "naturally there is far more to this than just that but this should be enough to cover the bare basics."

"I have changed my mind" said the Vice Director nodding to herself as she plucked a hair and then pulled out a small box from under her desk "…these video games you speak of appear to be integral to the future of the Mage's Association and the Barthomeloi in our eternal war against the retched children of the moon kingdom. We will speak more on this in the future. Do you understand me?"

This got a large nod from Shinji as he looked fearfully at the brown haired women.

"And you said that this was for Zelretch?" asked Lorelei with hair in hand as she turned to face the redhead in the room with an icy smile that made Luvia and Shinji freeze up on instinct. Obviously the Emiya who glared back fearlessly with eyes of molten steel did not have such survival instincts and was doomed to become an evolutionary dead end.

"…Yes" said Shirou as he eventually walked up to the women and accepted the ornate wood container.

"Now leave" commanded the Vice Director of the Clock Tower as she pulled out several unusually sharp looking writing quills "…I have important business vital to the Association that must be attended too."

The triad turned around to exit the door… and paused.

Hanging from the slightly open door's interior side was an impressive laminated poster of a handsome looking fanged man who seemed to sparkle in the light. What made this poster different from the ones found in a normal girls room were the colorful assortment of quill pens sticking out of the impromptu dart board. With a casual glance back Luvia beheld the terrifying sight of a red faced Lorelei Barthomeloi who was panting as she glared at the sparkly vampire with a single minded hatred…

With a shriek Luvia pushed the two oblivious male magi out of the room and quickly slammed the door shut behind her. And just in time too.

Thump Thump Thump

Several new holes formed in the now vibrating door as an array of quill ends poked through from the force of their hypervelocity impacts.

"Huh" commented Shinji as he stared at the pointy ends sticking out of the door before turning to the drill haired girl with a thumbs up "good job."

"…You guys are all twisted in madness" said Luvia as a tranquility she did not know could exist washed over her after the near death experience.

"I know" said Shirou as he looked at the blonde with a slow blink "is there any specific reason you felt the need to repeat my aria? I'm pretty sure that it doesn't work like that."

"There is no word in any language to describe whatever it is you people do so I'm stealing your phrase" said Luvia reasonably "why are you all so very twisted in madness?"

"Hm" said Shirou Emiya as he considered her question "it was either that time when I was eight and watched hundreds of people slowly burn to death in hell fire or it was that time Fuji-nee took me to Disney Land."

"The sad thing is that both are equally likely" said Shinji with an understanding nod.

"Not many people can claim to have seen hell twice" said Shirou stiffly "…sometimes I can still hear Goofy's screams when I sleep at night."

And just like that the tranquil feeling was gone. Luvia found herself so very, very curious and yet so utterly terrified of what she might hear. Somebody really needed to make a survival guide on how to deal with these people because cold brutal magus logic just wasn't cutting it.

On the bright side it did not take them long to get back to Zelretch's office. On the down side it did not take them long to get back to Zelretch's office. She was starting to understand some of Shirou's previous concerns about the room. When did the room suddenly become a hunters lodge and where in the world did Zelretch manage to find half a dozen jackalopes of all things?

Those weren't supposed to be real.

"You actually survived?" asked Zelretch sounding as impressed as he was disappointed at their return "…of course you did, what was I thinking?"

"We couldn't have done it without Shinji here" said Shirou causing the ancient vampire to raise a single brow as he stared at the… seaweed "he did most of the work and even saved our lives. I'm afraid that my abilities as a barber would have stood no chance against her martial arts tea ceremony. It was a bad matchup."

"Yes" agreed Shinji nodding his head sagely with a smile at the praise directed towards him "lets go with that."

"I see" said Zelretch as he took the ornate box from his minions hands with a perplexed expression "and just how did he manage that?"

"Because… these… people" growled Luvia lowering her head and allowed drill shaped hair to shadow her face "…are all twisted in madness!"

"I think I might actually be impressed" stated Zelretch as he turned to the redheaded young man "did you actually manage to drive someone insane on only your second day working under me?"

"Yes" snapped Luvia almost trembling in anger from where she stood glaring at them all "yes he did!"

"My nameless minion" said Zelretch as he put on his serious face and placed a hand on his minions shoulder "I just want you to know that I am very proud of you right now. I'll even allow you to call me uncle."

"No" said Shirou without any hesitation.

"Here" said the vampire as he handed the wooden container over to the redhead "you can go ahead and keep this little souvenir to celebrate your first successful mission."

"…I thought you said that lives were at stake?" asked Shirou taking the box as he stared at the vampire.

"Of course there were lives at stake" said Zelretch with a small shrug of his shoulders "you all could have died in unimaginably horrific ways at the hands of the vice director or tripped and snapped your necks walking down the hall. Such are only a few of the many dangers of life."

The redhead tilted the container as he stared at it in annoyance. A feeling that Luvia shared as she moved over to the redhead and grabbed the box from his hands.

"So" said Luvia as she glared at the ancient sorcerer "what you are saying is that we risked our lives for absolutely nothing?"

"Pretty much" conceded Zelretch now bored of the whole affair as he stared at the clock on the wall "I really don't get what you are complaining about. Sending out apprentices and minions on pointless suicidal missions for amusement is basically what all powerful wizards are supposed to do. It builds character."

"No" said Shinji as the second highest authority in video games and tropes right behind Lord El-Melloi II "that really isn't how it is supposed to work."

"Really?" asked Zelretch sounding puzzled "are you sure?"

The other two young adults nodded their heads showing consensus with their blue haired… ally? For some reason that term left a bad taste in Luvia's mouth when used to refer to the Matou.

"Well" muttered Zelretch with a small unconcerned shrug "I'm off the clock now so I'm going to go home."

Then the sorcerer was gone as if he had never been there in the first place.

Luvia threw the small wood container through the Dead Apostles former position into the wall which it bounced off of before coming to a stop between the three magi. The lid to the ornate container opened up and a spray of powder flew into the air causing the triad to sputter and choke.

With a grimace Shirou pulled out a small note from the opened box and read aloud.

'Congratulations unholy abomination of the Type-Moon. You have been selected as a test subject for our latest anti Dead Apostle formula. If you should survive, please fill out the form on this sheet and share with us your experience with our product so that we may provide better services in the future. Remember, customer satisfaction is very important to us so please be thorough in your description of any effects you may experience. Sincerely the Harwey Foundation. Warning: This box will now self-destruct.'

"Well" mused Shinji irritably as three magi and six jackalopes all stared at the box on the ground "that didn't sound ominous at all."

And then the box exploded.

SCENE BREAK 5

In an undisclosed location there was a dark room. This on its own was not unusual. What made this dark room slightly different from the majority of other dark rooms out there was that this room bore countless strange and arcane symbols all over the floor and walls. This too was not necessarily unusual as the world was filled with plenty of angsty teenagers. What made these symbols different than those made by your average angst driven teenager was that these symbols just so happened to glow in sinister hues of purple and red.

The room was in a state of disarray as if a force of nature had swept through and left nothing untouched. Books were strewn about along the floor and left open at seemingly random pages with countless scribbled notes written on their surfaces. Several items that could only be described as unnatural to the world of man were placed about the runes in positions that appeared random at best. For anyone who was foolish enough to look into the room, there could be no doubt that some horrible and dark ritual was about to take place.

It was more than evident that this was the room of a diabolical practitioner of the dark arts. A heretic of the highest order. Well, it was either that or the owner was a goth going all out with the dark and sinister theme even going so far as to buy glow in the dark paints. Both were equally likely.

Most however would agree that it was the occasional bouts of soft innocent humming that added the most disturbing and eerie aspect to this scene easily swinging the pendulum in favor of the diabolical practitioner of the dark arts theory.

A shadowed feminine form moved with a machine like precision brought about by years of dedication and practice. With each movement more and more symbols were placed where needed as a greater formal craft circle was formed at random from seemingly innocuous parts. It would not be long before the final preparations were completed. At this stage even a single mistake could spell disaster.

Knock Knock

The shadowy figure flailed about in a spectacular display and crashed to the ground causing books to fall from their shelves and smash down onto the floor. Fortunately nothing exploded.

This time…

"It's time for dinner" a male voice called out from beyond the door to the room.

"…I'm busy" the girl replied in irritation.

"I thought we agreed that you are no longer allowed to skip meals for your experiments anymore" said the voice from the other side of the door "hunger effects your judgement."

"I don't wanna" whined the young women "I'm really close now!"

The door was slowly opened from the outside to reveal a mop of red hair and golden eyes looking at her in fond exasperation.

This is what Shirou Emiya usually walked into when getting home. Rin of course did not care about that as she looked back at him with blood shot eyes. The scent of fresh home made soup filled the air tempting Rin with it's tantalizing aroma but her stubbornness allowed her to push through her newly discovered hunger and remain where she was. Twelve hours of non-stop work would not be sullied over something as trivial as Shirou's cooking.

Not even the feeling of her stomach slowly digesting itself could convince her otherwise.

"So what is your project this time Rin?" asked Shirou having sensed her resolve.

"Why, I am glad you asked" said Rin with a smile before pulling out a jewel with the same flare expected from a used car salesman "this here jewel that I managed to get for free has the blueprints on a very invaluable artifact. Now eat it."

"Is that safe?" asked Shirou as he warily looked at the jewel.

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth" said Rin avoiding the question entirely. It probably wasn't. Fortunately Shirou was very capable at surviving things that he really shouldn't and made for an invaluable test subject. His suffering had already saved her tens of thousands in the last month alone.

They really were all just minor experiments. Nothing too painful, really!

"Considering how highly magi tend to hold equivalent exchange" said Shirou with crossed arms "I think it is only natural to be suspicious of any free gifts."

"Huh" commented Rin as she stared at him wide eyed "you can be taught after all."

"…It's mostly that you are such a good teacher Rin" said Shirou his face completely straight without a hint of deception in his eyes.

"Of course I am" said Rin nodding her head in agreement "and that is why you do what I tell you to, right?"

"Yes" said Shirou reluctantly nodding his head.

"Good" said Rin holding out the jewel "now eat it."

With a grimace her minio- apprentice popped the jewel into his mouth and swallowed it whole. Something he had gained a lot of practice in his time studying under her.

Rin wondered just what kind of information the old vampire had put into it. She hadn't been stupid enough to allow Zelretch direct access to her own mind and had instead chosen to store his memories within a mana lattice matrix inside one of her jewels. There was little doubt that there would be some sort of a nasty surprise hidden in there as a test by the sorcerer. Fortunately, Shirou was far too simple minded for whatever complex traps Zelretch might have placed in the jewel.

With a blink Shirou processed the information transferred from the jewel to him and simply stared at her for several seconds. Rin subconsciously squirmed where she stood feeling embarrassed at his stare for reasons she couldn't quite identify. For some reason his stare made her feel… dirty.

"I see" said Shirou nodding his head before looking away "…stripes Rin, really?"

"What…?" asked Rin in confusion before her face suddenly reddened in realization and she too looked away to hide her now furiously blushing face. Embarrassment and feminine fury came to her in equal measures as she made a silent vow of vengeance. She was going to kill that vampire! It would be glorious! It would be brutal! And it would be oh so very satisfying!

Rin had severely underestimated the cunning trap laid before her by the ancient Dead Apostle Ancestor. Such a trap containing her image could be nothing less than super effective on her naive apprentice!

"We-well" said Rin before letting out a small cough to clear her throat "did you at least get the information on the mystic code?"

"Which one?" asked Shirou causing Rin to blink.

"There was more than one?" asked Rin in surprise.

"Several" said Shirou lifting his hand up to count off his fingers "there are blueprints on how to make something called Kaleidosticks, synthetic Kyber crystals, a Jeweled Sword, a-"

"The Jeweled Sword" interrupted Rin with a small grin of triumph before turning contemplative "…what exactly do the other objects do?"

The term Kaleidostick sounded oddly familiar to her and not in a good way. The repressed memories sort of way.

"I don't know" said Shirou with a shrug "all I got were the blueprints. I didn't get any operating manuals or any of the objects history."

"Oh well" said Rin with a smile reminiscent of a cat that just ate the canary "I think its about time we got started anyway. This will be my greatest plan yet!"

"I see" said Shirou as he nodded to himself sagely "so this is how the world ends."

"Oh, shut it Shirou" said Rin as she lightly swatted his head.

"Well" mumbled Shirou rubbing his head "at least there is absolutely no way that things get any worse this time."

"Uh huh" said Rin rolling her eyes and pulling out a small crate of jewels before opening it.

"…Rin" asked Shirou a he stared into the crate blankly "how much did this all cost?"

"Lets just say" said Rin as she looked away twirling a strand of her hair "that we are now officially broke for the next two years even with the Tohsaka family's patent revenues so we better get this right on the first try or else."

"This must really mean a lot to you" stated Shirou as he looked towards her with determination "what do you need me to do?"

"Enter the magic circle and alter these jewels to follow the blueprint" said Rin as she smiled at her apprentice "I will take care of everything else."

"Trace On" said Shirou as he activated his magic circuits.

With a thunk a shredded tire shot into reality from nothingness and both magi stared for several seconds as the wheel rolled into a wall before falling on to its side.

"Shirou" questioned Rin as she turned to face her apprentice "what have we said about you hoarding in your Reality Marble?"

"…Not to" admitted Shirou "but in my defense it's not like you are any better. I have seen your room. And your basement. And your workshop. And your-"

"My room and basement don't contain priceless noble phantasms" replied Rin with narrowed eyes "it's the principle of the matter!"

"Then would it be okay if I removed the noble phantasms instead?" asked Shirou seriously "I would rather keep the cooking equipment."

"Sure" said Rin with a roll of her eyes "now about that Jeweled Sword?"

With a shrug Shirou entered the circle as Rin placed jewels of the highest purity onto their corresponding runes. As the one who would have to manage the materials at heir component levels for Shirou to alter along with keeping foreign prana from interfering with the ritual her job would be no less important than Shirou's.

Ever so slowly lattice after lattice formed until after what seemed like an eternity a dagger was formed. In reality, only several minutes had passed but that was besides the point. The Jeweled Sword of Zelretch had been remade. It wasn't perfect, but as far as Rin was concerned the ritual was a complete success.

"Rin" said Shirou as he stared at dagger "did you know that this sword allows for time travel?"

"It allows for a lot more than just that" stated Rin as she pocketed the dagger to carry on her person.

"I now have a sword that allows for time travel in my Reality Marble" said Shirou gravely "now my future selves can travel back in time to kill me."

"Shirou you are being ridiculous" said Rin as she stared at him incredulously "if your supposed future time traveling selves were going to kill you then they would have done so already. There is no way that they would wait until after you gained a sword that allows you to channel the freaking second magic."

"The same could be said about Archer challenging me to a death duel" pointed out Shirou flatly "there were plenty of times he could have killed me before then."

"…You're not going to let this go, are you?" asked Rin as she stared at her boyfriend with twitching eye brows.

"Out of the two of us" asked Shirou seriously "who is it that has practical experience dealing with their future time traveling selves tying to kill them? It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you."

"…This is just so messed up" said Rin shaking her head feeling detached from reality "I think I'm going to go for a walk to clear my head. That ritual was mentally draining and holding a discussion about paradoxes isn't going to make me feel any better."

"I'll go pack some of the dinner I made so that we can bring some with us" said Shirou retreating smartly as he headed off to the kitchen.

"I'll go get our coats" replied Rin to his retreating back with a shake of her head. The closet was not far in their modest two bedroom apartment and it did not take Rin long to get there. Only one thing stopped Rin. There was a monster in her closet and it was wearing batman themed pajamas.

"This closet is currently occupied" said Zelretch from where he stood eating from a small bowl of soup. It smelt suspiciously similar to the dinner Shirou had just finished making.

Without a word Rin closed the door in the Dead Apostle Ancestor's face. She was far too mentally drained to deal with that right now. Someday vengeance would come, but that day was not this day.

With a slouch in her gait Rin arrived at the apartment door where she waited for her apprentice. It did not take long for Shirou himself to arrive after her.

"I thought you said you were getting our coats?" asked Shirou holding a modest pack filled with much needed nourishments.

"I changed my mind" said Rin as she briskly walked past him and out the door "remind me to buy some holy water and wards when we get back."

"Ok" said Shirou unperturbed by the random non-sequitur "I have some ski masks in my pack that we can put on."

With a shrug Rin went ahead and put on a mask while Shirou did the same. Rin closed the door and activated the wards she had set up before leading Shirou down the corridor. As they walked down the stairs they passed by several groups of men also wearing ski masks who nodded to herself and Shirou by simple way of greetings. Apparently masks were now in style or it was a lot colder than she had thought. It was not long before they were out of the apartment.

The weather was definitely on the chilly side even though it was still only early Fall. Rin was already starting to regret her decision to not bring a coat. Hopefully a nice bowl of hot steaming soup would be enough to-

BOOM!

Shirou simply turned to her and stared with a single raised eyebrow.

"Shut up!" yelled Rin as her shoulders slumped "that might not have even been our room. I absolutely refuse to believe that that you have time travelers out to get you!"

CHŶ†£® £∏∂

In a remote region far removed from civilization there existed a parasitic hole in the collective reality marble of the 'Age of Man' that slowly ate away at the boundary of the worlds sphere of influence. This eldritch hole held within it a sleeping monstrosity beyond earthly origins and human understanding. The very entity thats mere existence eroded 'the reality of man.' Its skyscraper sized spider like body towered over the living crystal landscape as it slept waiting for its time. A time when all would tremble before its might and fury at the beckoning of Gaia's call.

That time had come.

'This will be my greatest plan yet!'

Dangerous words beyond mortal comprehension echoed throughout spacetime and the Universe itself sought to respond in kind. The fabric of the Universe inverted and pulled.

The crystal entity abruptly awoke confused as it sensed a tugging sensation as powers both great and terrifying sought to transplant its infinite being to another location. With but a 'thought' the spider connected to the Akashic swirl in search of 'information' on this unexpected turn of events.

The necessary information was downloaded directly and an assortment of images and voices entered the spiders 'mind.'

'At least there is absolutely no way that things get any worse this time.'

The type-mercury was left even more confounded at this new information and about the sudden change in the Worlds plans. Clearly the information gathered on the present era of the world was insufficient and proper context was needed.

Fortunately, neither the spider nor the Akashic swirl were limited by such petty concepts as 'time' or 'causality.' Past, present, and future were revealed before the crystalline form in their truest from as the possible histories of the world aligned along a single thread of fate. The spider saw many strange and unusual things that were to come and had come to pass and further things that were to simultaneously pass and come to be.

Within those visions the type-mercury saw craziness and lunacy that it wanted no part of.

With but a 'thought' the spider stopped the pull of the worlds summoning. Someday its time would come. That was not this day. Possibly not even in this story. But that time would come. Maybe. It would probably go ahead and wait until humans weren't around anymore. That sounded like a good plan.

Next Chapter: PETA files a formal complaint, a great many conspiracies occur, and Shirou goes on a… class field trip? Oh, my!