Chapter 8; On the trail
"Storm front impact in four…three…two…one…mark!" Harkath counted. The carrier shook as is entered the sandstorm. The shutters had been closed against the fury of the storm, and so nothing happening outside could be seen. But even now, even here in the armored confines of the command bridge the storm could be heard as a low hum just on the edge of hearing.
"Communication systems are now impaired due to sand storm conditions. Long range communications are unavailable until further notice". Kennae reported from her station.
"Sensor efficiency has likewise been reduced due to storm conditions."
"Understood" Khagaan responded, suppressing a yawn as she did. It had been a long day of dull driving around. Only the stand storm they had now entered offered a break from the monotony and ultimately even that event had ultimately been reduced to textbook preparations and responses, deprived of anything that would make situation a true distraction. Not that boredom was an entirely bad thing. To a soldier such a state was often preferable to the stresses of life threatening battles. Besides, someone somewhere out there was probably feeling far less bored, and likely not feeling pleased at the circumstances in the slightest. Either the units she had sent out to Attack the Boneyard were now engaging the enemy or they soon would be. The sand storm ensured that they would not receive any news of the battle until they themselves reached the Boneyard facility. All they could do was to wish good fortune to the soldiers assigned to the attack and hope for the best.
These thoughts reminded Khagaan to check the time. It was almost midnight according to her watch. "Night crews to posts in ten." She ordered Kennae.
Kennae nodded and turned to give a ship-wide broadcast: "Attention all decks. Night crews are to report to their posts in ten minutes. Morning crews are to relieve night crews at 08:00 hours."
The bridge became alive with commotion as people began to make ready to leave as soon as the night crews showed up to relieve them. Khagaan herself stood up and made ready to leave, giving Arraesh a nod as she passed him. He would remain on the bridge for a while longer, as was his custom, waiting until the night crews had arrived and were on their stations.
As Khagaan was making her way through the corridors of her carrier to her quarters, she came across Truthspeaker Deravis. Truthspeakers were the priesthood of the Gaalsien, tasked with educating others about the will of Sajuuk. They were the ones who dedicated their lives to understanding Sajuuk's truths, so they could teach those truths to other faithful. Deravis had been walking along the corridor, no doubt on his way to his chapel, but paused as he noticed Khagaan.
"Ah, speaker Deravis, how fares my crew?" Khagaan greeted him with a warm tone.
"They fare well enough, considering all that has been going on. I have calmed the raging storms of their thoughts to the best of my ability and offered council and prayer as necessary."
"Mostly there seems to be a general sense of anxiety, an eagerness to get to grips with the enemy."
"Understandable, and I echo their frustrations. It will happen, soon enough. They won't be able to outrun us." Khagaan replied.
"I'm certain the crew will be pleased of that reassurance. I shall continue to offer them the guidance they require in the meantime." Deravis nodded. "On that same note, I trust you have attended to your souls needs as well?" He then asked.
"I shall see to my prayers when as soon as I get to my quarters." Khagaan reassured him. "While we're discussing the matter of attending to one's soul, I gave guardian-engineer Scotha the order to offer repentance for blasphemous use of language. Has he done so?" she asked next.
"Hmph, yes, though I'm not certain if that has accomplished anything of value." Deravis answered wrinkling his nose with a look of disapproval.
"What do you mean by that?" Khagaan asked.
"This isn't the first time I have had to reprimand him. He is the sort of person that apologizes for his sins and goes right back to sinning. He does not understand that an apology is also a promise to not repeat the original offense." Deravis explained.
"And I assume that there is no spiritual remedy you could employ to correct this matter?" Khagaan asked, trying to hide a slight amusement.
"None, except to keep at it and hope that one of these days he actually starts to listen to the things I say to him." Deravis answered dryly.
With a final nod Deravis resumed his journey towards his chapel. Khagaan bit her lower lip, considering. "Truthspeaker Deravis!" she called after him, and he stopped again.
"There… is one matter I would like to discuss, if you have time to speak privately. It is a matter of conscience I would like to unburden myself of."
Deravis nodded. "In my chapel then." he said, motioning for Khagaan to follow him. They walked for some time, through winding corridors, passing other members of the crew making their way to their quarters. Finally they reached the simple metal door leading to Deravisi's chapel a door which he proceeded to open, leading the both of them inside.
The chapel was a small place, able to hold perhaps a hundred people at the most. The chapel was meant for small, day to day services, that did not require the presence of the entire crew. If such a thing would be needed, space could always be arranged in the carrier's main hold. The place was sparsely decorated, red drapes decorating the walls of the room, and rows of hard metal benches on either side of the center corridor cutting across the room. The room was lit by candles rather than electric lights, giving the place a warm, welcoming glow. On the far wall, inside a small alcove made of white marble there was the holy symbol of Sajuuk, scrolls of holy texts hung all around it. Just to the left of this alcove there was a pulpit where Deravis would usually be during the sermons he gave to those that visited his chapel.
Khagaan took a seat on one of the metal benches, with Deravis seating himself opposite to her.
"So, tell me what troubles you, in your own time, in your own way." Deravis said with an encouraging smile and a practiced, compassionate tone.
For a while Khagaan said nothing, wringing her hands, trying to think of the best way to begin. "Ok… I suspect you already have a notion why I wish to speak with you today." she said finally.
"I have a possibility in my mind, but tell me in your own words." Deravis confirmed.
"It has to do with the prisoners from Juno base… how I handled that situation." She spoke slowly, struggling to keep her voice steady.
"Others have spoken of this today. An ugly business to be certain, but a justifiable decision during wartime, based on the accounts I have heard." Deravis said. But I suspect that you now have doubts, otherwise you would have not sought me out." he then added.
"I… yes." Khagaan admitted. "My thoughts keep drifting back to that moment, wondering. I keep telling myself that I had my reasons, that I was justified, but these thoughts won't leave me. I keep wondering if I had to do what I did. I keep wondering if I could have found another way.
"And did you?" Deravis asked.
"I don't know. I don't think so. I didn't have enough people available to keep them as prisoners, and I had a mission to accomplish. I needed every soldier I could have and I could not take any chances of an uprising at the base I had captured." Khagaan said.
"And there you have your answer." Deravis answered. "In your own words and those of your fellow crewmen you had to do what you did. I don't think anyone is pretending that it wasn't an ugly decision to make, but war is full of these decisions, as you well know as a military commander. No one on this ship is blaming you for doing what you had to do. At worst they are cursing the fact that the war is a necessity at this time in our history."
"For Goodness's sake, I spoke to one of them!" Khagaan suddenly exclaimed, suddenly angry at what seemed like platitudes being spewed at her. "I spoke to her, I saw her face, I learned her name, and I had her slaughtered all the same!"
Deravis said nothing in response to her outburst, instead choosing to let her vent her bottled up emotions. After her angry words had left her mouth, Khagaan calmed again, taking a deep breath to calm herself.
"We fight this war as much for the northerners as we do for ourselves. My father himself has said that we are to restore them to Sajuuk's truths, to save them. How are we to forge that connection when we slaughter them? When I slaughter them?" Khagaan asked, more calmly but still pointedly.
"I have pushed the rift between us and the northerners further by this bloodshed. They will never forgive me for this." She continued.
"Many will never forgive you," Deravis admitted quietly "but they were never going to do that."
"You have fought the northerners many times." Deravis continued. "You have killed many of them; armed and unarmed, just as they have killed many of us. I have even heard rumors that the accursed Siidim have advocated for the extermination of our Kiith. We do not fight for their forgiveness. Only Sajuuk is worthy of that struggle. We fight so that our people might have a future."
Khagaan did not reply, she simply sat there, considering his words.
"As for your father, he knows that the realities of war must often come before the ideals of peacetime. He knows that for the northerners to be returned to the path that must be walked, they must first be broken. They will hate us for it, and all we can hope for is that one day those wounds can heal. Now, a run-of the-mill Truthspeaker might disagree with my assessment, but I have been bringing Sajuuk's truths to our warriors for many decades now. This is a truth he made known to me long ago." He asserted with a voice of confidence.
Khagaan still did not reply, although in her mind she felt slightly more encouraged.
"As such, it is encouraging in a way that his incident bothers you as much as it does. It shows that you are still human. A real monster would not care, no matter how horrific the action taken." Deravis said with a smile.
"Thank you." Khagaan said quietly, gratefully. "Your words mean a great deal."
Still smiling, Deravis gave a small bow of his head "It is my duty to serve. If your concerns still linger, then I suggest that you mention them in your prayers to Sajuuk this night. Let him judge your actions, as he must judge all of us sooner or later. If your cause was just, then he will surely gift you a calm heart and renewed fervor. If you believe that you have sinned, then confess your sins to our creator, ask for forgiveness, so that he may sit in judgement and determine what must be."
"I may do that. Once again, thank you for your wise council, it is invaluable as ever." Khagaan said. "Now I think I must be going. Long days are ahead, and I should avail myself of what rest there is to be had." She then continued, standing up.
"I shall look forward to our next meeting then." Deravis replied with a nod.
With their meeting concluded, Khagaan left and returned to her quarters. Upon arrival she took a moment look at a series of framed pictures on a side table. One was a picture of her family, including her mother, who had died of fever many years ago. Another was of her and her little sister when they had both still been in their girlhood years, giving goofy smiles to the camera. The next picture was somewhat larger than the rest, depicting all who had graduated from officer school on her graduation year. That had been one of the proudest days of her life. From the same day there was one picture of her in full ceremonial uniform with a stern look on her face. Then there was the group picture of her original command crew, with the Ashoka in the background. Many of those people were now gone, having died in the wars or having moved on to other commands as they had been promoted. One or two had even quit the military and chosen to return to civilian occupations. Still, enough familiar faces remained, Arraesh and Jiire foremost among them. As she studied these pictures, a small smile tugged the corner of her mouth as her mind was drawn back to simpler days, without the worries and responsibilities she had now.
Finally she decided that she had had enough reminiscing. So she turned to a corner of her quarters where she had a small private shrine to Sajuuk. Kneeling before that shrine she took a small flask containing blessed oil. She poured some of this into her hand, then dipped the tips of two of the fingers of her other hang in the liquid.
"Sajuuk, creator, whose hand shapes what is, hear me this day, as I renew my covenant with your holy will." She said.
She pressed the two fingers dipped in oil onto the center of her forehead.
"I think the thoughts that you would have me think."
She pressed her fingers against her upper lip.
"I speak the words that you would have me speak."
Finally, she pressed her fingers against her chest.
"I cherish your sacred will in my heart."
She wiped her hands clean of the oil with a piece of white cloth, then clasped her hands together in prayer, bowing her head.
"The unworthy one who names herself Khagaan offers you prayer in accordance with your commandments, Maker of all things, whose hand shapes what is, Sajuuk. She comes before you this day to confess to you the sins she has committed and ask for your divine forgiveness for sins both known and unknown to her. She admits to the sin of technology, of deviating from the path and structure of life that the Great maker has deemed right and appropriate. She asserts that she did this so that she and her kin could match the power of the heretics who defy the will of our creator. She claims that once her crusade is concluded the proper path shall be restore to her and her kin. She acknowledges this failure and begs for Sajuuk to give absolution."
For a moment Khagaan paused, biting her lower lip gathering the will to say the next part with a deep draw of breath.
"She admits to the sin of kinslaying. In the pursuit of war she has spilled the blood of her people. The sands are stained, never to be cleansed. She…admits that even those who had surrendered to her authority and the might of her war host were put to the sword under her orders. This sin weighs heavily on her. She does not contest the brutality or the savagery of her actions. She asserts that her actions were born of a desire to serve Sajuuk as he has compelled her to, and that her actions were dictated by the necessities of the war she fights. She acknowledges this failure and begs for Sajuuk to give absolution."
Khagaan moved onto the final parts of her prayer:
"She admits to the sins that she has committed without her knowledge, to the sins she has left unnamed, as well as all the sins she does not recall to recite them. She acknowledges these failures and begs for Sajuuk to give absolution."
Several moments or reverent silence followed as Khagaan contemplated her actions that had taken place that day.
"So speaks the unworthy one that names herself Khagaan. She asks that you reaffirm your alliance with her and her Kiith this day and the days to come. She asks that you forgive her trespasses against you, for she is flawed, imperfect, a thing of nothing compared to your glory, born to a people that failed you. She asks that you forge her the righteous path to walk and illuminate it for her to follow. She asks that you shield her and her kin from the wrath of her foes and the soulless Khaaneph warriors, the empty ones of the deserts." She said in conclusion.
With her prayer concluded, she used a part of her daily water allowance to take a shower and went to sleep. It would not be until the next morning that she would learn that their gambit to intercept the Kapisi had failed, that the enemy carrier had escaped and that the enemy had sabotaged the dockyard facilities, preventing any possibility of completing the repairs of the Ashoka. Thanks to a recorded message on a communications node left by the production cruiser that had led the assault, she learned that the said production cruiser had moved on to regroup and continue to engage the Kapisi. She also learned the last known vector of the Kapisi from the recording and ordered a full pursuit to the region known as Hell's Gate, where the Kapisi was headed.