...And there he goes. I knew he wouldn't be able to handle the pressure and would go running off to stall for time.
Alright, I guess I'm alone with Kairi for a while until he gets back. I turned to look out at the pitch black ocean waves lapping the beaches down below us, leaning my arms down on the old railing. I really needed to finally stop running away from this stuff myself.
I tried telling him last night, but...it's so hard, when he's sitting there with that never-ending smile on his face. I just couldn't bring it up after he does his absolute best to cheer me up without even knowing the whole reason why I'm so troubled, making me that silly impromptu dinner, which actually wasn't too bad. Or when he's peacefully drifting off to sleep, clutching that stupid ratty old whale I had to make in home-ec class that he refused to let me get rid of or take off my hands because it's mine. I'm not sure how my shoddy workmanship still held up after all these years and aggressive snuggles from a certain someone on sleepovers.
He was so...resilient to pain, but...I'd prefer not to test his limits. If I can do this right, maybe he never even has to know. I closed my eyes for a moment, taking in the silence.
I'm such a coward.
I felt Kairi gently drift up next to me. I turned to see her give me a quick smile before she settled her gaze out over the hazy black blanket of the night. And I looked away.
Now was the time, wasn't it? Might as well figure out how to get this over with. Maybe if I try to be as plain and factual as possible it won't be so bad...
Before I could think how to phrase bringing the topic up, she was wandering off, down towards the crumbling ruins. "Hey, Riku? You used to come here a lot, right?"
I nodded, watching her every move closely. She really was stunningly beautiful in that outfit. It shimmered like a fire under the starlight, somehow capturing that unremitting aura of hers that flowed into nearly everything she touched. Her warmth maybe was a bit like a fire, burning through a cold night. Reaching someone even like me.
She brushed her hand against the crumbling walls, and I half expected her touch to somehow bring them back from the dead. I stood up and joined her at the wall, laying my hand over the stone she had just grazed with her fingers. I could still feel the remnants of her heat.
She sighed, continuing to pace along the wall. "I've always loved ruins like this. It feels like the memories of the past are overflowing everywhere. It's a shame no one ever uses this space anymore, though. It's such a pretty place. But maybe its charm is its remoteness? I bet that's why you come up here so much, right?"
I just nodded again, feeling the stone go ice cold once more under my fingers.
She skipped back over towards me, hands behind her back. "So quiet, today..." She tried giving me another smile, but I really didn't feel like I had the heart to return one back. "Riku, um...I talked to Selphie a little bit about this morning. Did Sora..."
She chewed at her lower lip, her foot nudging a chunk of broken stone on the grass. "Did he mention anything about a girl, or..." I had a feeling she would ask about this. "Nevermind, I suppose it isn't any of my-"
"Yeah, a bit. Said this morning that he promised to help a girl from your flower club with a favor and she was acting a bit odd the whole time. Then he got kicked out by Selphie and left. Nothing too important. Why?" I glanced at her, definitely not missing the relieved smile that hovered for a moment on her face before she suppressed it back down.
"U-um...no reason." She was a really bad liar when she got flustered. "J-just wondering if he and Ophelia got along at all, or..."
"It's Sora, he tries to get along with everyone. It's not too unusual."
"Mm...yeah, you're right." She hooked some stray strands of hair behind her ear, and I noticed the beautifully intricate hairpin she had twisted through a loose bun. It wasn't very often that she tied her hair back, and it made her look a little older, more elegant in a way.
She returned back to the railing and I joined her, listening to the laughter of festival goers echoing all the way up to where we were.
"It's such a special time of the year for the island, isn't it? Everyone comes together to do their part, sharing all this joy and effort to really make it special and show the love they have of their home. Everything, from the smallest little decoration is just so brimming with love and care. It makes me feel so...blessed, to be able to call such a place my home." She smiled down at the bustling courtyard, dotted with lights from the paper lanterns. "What do you think about all of this?"
"It's busier than I remember."
She huffed and smacked me playfully in the chest with the back of her hand. "Yeah, thanks for that piece of truly deep introspection, I appreciate it. But seriously...I was hoping to hear your opinion. Sometimes I find myself feeling both happy and sad about it. Isn't that strange?"
Well, if she wanted a real answer, I suppose I could give that a try. I shook my head. "No, not strange at all. This festival is special because I think it highlights the duality or the dichotomy of many things. Creation and destruction go hand in hand; that's basically what a volcano is."
She paused, clutching her hand around the stone of her necklace that she likely insisted on wearing despite it clashing with her costume a little. "Dualities...and dichotomies...all the things that always go together despite being opposites."
"It's probably why you have been feeling both happy and sad. The whole idea of burning parts of our past is...sad, in a sense. But it's only done so that something new can begin and take its place." Right now, I knew tons of people were throwing their symbolic items in one of those boats, ready for her to set alight at the end of the night, hoping that it would help them move on, or forget.
Kairi fidgeted with her sleeves. "I...I know how that makes sense, but...does something always have to end? Will we always have to let go?"
I crossed my arms. "I think this is starting to fall into philosophical debate territory. There are tons of hypotheticals out there, Kairi. Who knows."
She lowered her arms and stared transfixed back at the lanterns. "I...think, or at least, I like to think that even though the world is made up of so many fixed opposites, things that will come to pass no matter what, like...how everything born will some day die and other harsh truths, maybe there are some things, if we want it hard enough, we can force one duality to show itself over the other. And maybe to start something new...we don't always have to give up something in exchange."
"That's just because you're too stubborn to say goodbye."
She was glowing again, the light of the moon glinting off that golden hairpin of hers. Her light was something so special, so full of hope and healing.
It isn't my place. It never really could be, because of...how I am. But a small part of me still wishes for it.
If I knew one way or the other, I could be closer to that warmth, even just a little. This apprehension inside of me often makes me feel like I'm a moth drawn to her flame, and if I approach even the slightest bit further I'll lose everything. Because I don't know where I stand with her.
If I knew, I could finally move past this.
She had now pulled away from the railing and was strolling back along the stone wall, in the direction of one of the benches, I assume to sit down with me and wait for Sora to come back. I followed close behind her, not wanting her to slip too far away.
"Kairi, there's something really important I have to tell you."
"Oh, what is it?" She seemed a bit thrown off by the heavy weight of my words, coming to a complete stop. "Is everything alright?"
"...Not exactly."
Her face twisted up in concern, and I knew I just had to spit it all out there. There wasn't really any other choice any more.
"I've got a problem I have been trying my hardest to ignore. I wanted to wish it away. But no matter how hard I try it's only gotten worse."
She pawed at her necklace again. "I'll...do what I can. Have you talked to Sora about it?"
I sighed and closed my eyes. I could hear the festival continuing with such joy down below us, and I thought about him again. I don't want to hurt him, but if I don't do this, I will never be able to be the person he needs to fully support him in the future. Because there will always be that slightest doubt...
A gust of wind blew between us, billowing her dress out around her, framing her in fire. Her face was flushed, serene, radiant.
And I was nothing but a moth.
"Kairi...do you remember when you said 'if someone is taking the chance to confess to me I will hear them out, no matter who it is coming from'?"
She blinked up at me. "Well, y-yes I did I say that, but...why mention that now? What does that have to-"
"Would you listen to mine?"
"...wh-?" She stumbled backwards, catching her high heel on a loose stone. I caught her by the wrist, but she still fell a bit, bumping against the stone wall behind her.
"R-Riku, you…?"
She looked dizzy, her eyes darting about the whole courtyard, about my face, searching for something to tell her what was happening. I released her wrist but took a step closer towards her, leaning my left hand against the stone, just behind her shoulder. I was a little worried she would just try to dodge away from me, and that certainly wouldn't help anything.
"You've always been special to me, but after everything I did in the past, I mostly wrote myself off as unworthy and let the thought of you go. For the longest time, I thought it had worked. But now that things are more...settled, the feelings kept creeping back little by little. But I kept telling myself I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve love and needed to accept that."
She had been still trembling, frozen, against the rock, but with my last sentence she aggressively shook her head at me. "Riku, that's...no! You aren't unworthy of love-of course you deserve it!"
"From you?"
She let out the smallest of gasps, and I felt so drawn to her I couldn't pull myself away. I was losing control. The longer I stared into those eyes, the longer I felt how warm she was against my arm, the more I needed to touch her.
Boom.
The sounds of a firework ripped through the air and I could see reflections of the light shimmering in her eyes. The sudden clap of sound only motivating me further, destroying my hesitations.
I pushed closer to her, brushing my other hand against her chin and she trembled under my fingers. I loved it. My heart thumped heavier in my chest and I wanted nothing more than to fill my senses with her.
"Kairi, I really like you. But tonight is about moving on from the past. Either accept me now, or let me know, with finality, that it's not meant to be."
"I..." Her eyes were so open, so honest, and they locked with mine unsurely, but not saying no.
Her hands, shaking, reached up and gripped at the front of my shirt. She didn't pull me closer, but she wasn't pushing me away, either.
I couldn't wait any more.
"Maybe this will help you decide."
I lifted her chin and let myself draw closer to her soft, slightly parted lips. I stopped for a moment when I felt my nose brush against hers slightly. My body tried to force me forward but I resisted it for a moment, knowing that she needed time to answer me. If she crossed that gap between us, or gave me any positive indication, there would be no stopping me.
I waited, feeling the heat of her breath, struggling against the pulling desire to just taste her.
And after the longest pause, her eyes closed.