It was just the two of us, alone on that hill. He was standing quite still in the shadows of the path, still wearing that silly mask of his despite the crowds being far below us. There was definitely something...different about him. But I couldn't quite tell if that was only because of my own thumping trepidation. I was about to call out, but I noticed him shake his head of whatever daydream had been plaguing him and start to jog over.
"H-hey, s-sorry I..."
I leaned towards him, arms clasped behind my back, in hopes that I could see through those tiny little eye holes. "Don't worry! I've...been thinking about a lot of things so I barely noticed." It didn't look like he had even remembered to bring food with him, but honestly I don't care about that right now.
As I reached up to finally uncover his face I felt him trembling slightly. "Are you cold?"
"No...no, I'm fine." He suddenly seemed to realize something and spun around, searching. "A-ah, oh no!" Not finding what he was looking for, he sagged.
"I-I'm sorry, I guess somehow I misplaced the food, and..." His smile was...perhaps shaky is the best word for it. Why does he keep apologizing? Something like that isn't really a big deal.
I gave him a light mocking rap on his head. "Oh, well. Maybe we can get something later. I'm actually feeling okay for right now." I pointed back towards the lighthouse bench. "Want to sit over there? We can people watch."
He seemed to perk up and walked with me towards the edge. I really wanted to reach out and grab his hand to give it a little squeeze, but maybe that was a bit too forward right now. I was now so acutely aware of how often I used to touch him and simply took that closeness for granted. I've held his hand many times before, but now the thought of it felt so much more exciting, and it would be so much...harder to follow through. A hug, a tap, any brush of his body would be so welcome right now. But he seemed so oddly to be keeping his distance.
I dropped myself down on the left side of the bench, expecting him to take his place next to me, but he instead circled around all the way to the other end, leaving a full two peoples' worth of space between us. I giggled and slid over, bumping against him. The sudden warmth of his body was just what I needed anyway.
I expected some kind of comment or at least a laugh, but he was looking lost in another reverie again.
"Geez, what's into you so suddenly?" I flicked at his head to illicit at least some sort of reaction.
He took my little finger flick without complaint and gave me a weak laugh. "Yeah, I guess I am acting a little weird, huh?" He shifted a bit uncomfortably and looked away, out at the crowds below. "Y-you really can see a lot from up here! It's crazy!"
Hmm...was he trying to change the subject on purpose? Why was he so stiff? He really wasn't acting like himself at all.
"Did something happen while you were away?"
He took a deep breath and offered another unconvincing grin. "Nope! Nothing at all!"
"...Really?" I twisted my body around his, trying to look right into his eyes to confirm what he was saying, but he kept trying to squirm away from me. "I don't believe you. Not until I see you smile properly."
He hesitated and I leaned across his lap, pulling at his face to try and force it into an upwards curve. He struggled a bit but I kept at it. "Sit still, I'm almost done."
My hands squishing his face finally got to be too much and...there we go, that was the smile I knew. Finally!
I let go of his face, still hovering just in front of him. Whatever uneasy thing he had on his mind I wanted to push it all away. I wanted to swing my legs over and snuggle right up to him. But I realized if I didn't give him a chance to express his own feelings and just forced mine on the both of us, then I ran the risk of putting the same pressure on him that Riku had just put on me only a short while ago. I knew I had to try and use my words properly. To tell him, as directly as possible, and wait for his answer.
I slipped away, returning to my place by his side. From here, I could see the lines of the boats getting ready for me. I would have to tend to the fires for a while, reciting that old blessing over them with the cherry staff. Usually the temple priest was in charge of all the old scripture stuff, but since I was already doing the dance they figured there would be more impact for me to do it this year. And I suppose he was all too happy to have a break this year to focus on his vinegar pressing.
"Did you put anything on the boat, Sora? Anything you're trying to move on from?"
He seemed hesitant to answer and I felt a little bad for prying. I was almost worried that I'd crashed the slight good mood I'd gotten him back in, but before I could apologize he gave me a silly wink. "That's a secret!"
Ooh, now I really wanted to know! I tipped my head side to side. "...if I tell you what I put on the boat, will you at least give me a hint?"
He prodded me a little in the side. "That's a trick question, isn't it? You never burn anything."
"I changed my mind this year." I folded my hands across my lap and watched the empty space on the boats steadily begin to fill up. "Maybe it's because of all the research I had to do for the role or something, but...I decided to write a letter."
"A letter?" He blinked back at me in confusion. "Who is it for? If it's burned no one can read it, right?"
"It's for Princess Sakuya, if she's out there somewhere. I wanted to say thank you. She lost her past for all this to be here. I thought a lot about what you've told me before, and I agree. It's really sad when things end, but if we do our best to appreciate what it was, then maybe it's not all the way gone."
I felt a connection to the Volcano Princess, maybe because of that. I'd lost all the memories of my first home, but because that chapter of my life ended, I was able to come here. I was able to be a part of their lives. I wonder if she would have felt the same way as I did. I miss the idea of what my parents must have been. What their faces could have looked like. The kind of person they would have wanted to see me become. And while I can't really ever know those answers, I know whatever pieces of them that they passed down to me are inside of my heart, always.
He hummed and turned his eyes out over the ocean with a slightly wistful sigh. "Yeah...you're right. No matter what, those memories will always be there." His eyes glanced back at me, carrying a somewhat heavy sadness inside of them. "I'll...always remember the memories I have of you."
I appreciated the sentiment, of course, but why did he have to say it with such a heavy finality? "I'm not going anywhere, Sora."
I poked that little space behind his ear and he immediately started to laugh, wiggling away from me. "I know! I was just-"
I gave him a devilish smile and began a full-out assault, brushing my fingers against all his weak spots."H-hey, wait a minute!"
He struggled to hold my hands back but I only stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed, and tried to go on the offensive, snaking one of his hands underneath my arm. I realized that I had quite a few open spots for him to go for considering this outfit wasn't the most practical one, thanks Selphie. She had been the one to insist on making it as alluring as possible. Blegh. I saw him reach towards my side, but I twisted away and twiddled my fingers up his side just under his arm.
"Ka-Kairi, s-stop, it's too-" He shrank back, his face struggling to hold back his laughter. Finally breaking his hand free from under my grip, he lunged for me again. I pulled back, and knew he was going to get me this time. But I kinda...sorta...really wanted him to.
"No way, I'm keeping it up until you give me a hint about what you picked this year!" I teased, bracing myself for his attack.
His hand froze before he could touch me, his face suddenly swept with that same lingering concern from before. That was so odd, usually he loved to take the advantage in a tickle fight when he could get it; he hated losing them.
Bang.
That was five.
The firework caught both of our attention and we gazed up at the stream of color falling down over the ocean. He released my wrists and abruptly stood up from the bench, walking over towards the railing. His whole aura felt...damp? He was obviously very troubled about something, and I guess really wasn't in the mood for tickles and jokes.
"Sora, um…" I slowly approached him, laying my hand on his arm as gently as possible. Maybe I really should just stop dodging around what I really wanted to say, but Riku was so, so right: telling him this...it's hard. I also felt bad if me asking about what he was burning had upset him somehow. "I'm sorry, if you want to keep it a secret, that's fine."
"I...it's not that, I just..." He fiddled with the railing rope. "You know what? It's fine, don't worry about it." The stiffness in his voice was so unnatural.
I missed the Sora I knew. Where was he hiding? What unseen problem were the two of us dancing around? It was like we were standing on two islands set across a stormy sea, with no bridge to connect them, the true meaning of what we wanted to say blown across the winds with only the barest of words coming through.
If I confessed to him now, would my Sora come back to me? I can feel his heart is there, but it's hiding, afraid, only sometimes braving a peek out at me, like the blue sky on a stormy day.
He gave me another concerning, worry-laced smile. "You know, I'm sure she's going to appreciate your letter a whole lot, if it's anything like your other ones."
I felt my face warming a little, remembering how he went out and got a cute frame to put the letter I sent him and had it propped up on his dresser. He told me it was one of his most cherished belongings, which was...a pretty big compliment. Maybe he hadn't planned on telling me that, but I guess once I had spotted it that time I came over to fetch him he didn't really have much choice.
"I'm sure whatever you put in there is just as good!" I gave him a little elbow nudge and he chuckled back but I could tell he really didn't want to talk about it.
"Maybe. But it's not as considerate as yours. I hope the Princess won't be too angry with me."
He deserved a nose bop for that silly statement. "If there is a spirit, she'd definitely be quite fond of you."
"Why's that?"
"Because, well..." The warmth in my face spread and I turned my eyes the other way. It was really tempting just to blurt out 'because I'm supposed to be her tonight and I like you!' or something equally cheesy but I couldn't bring myself to actually say a thing like that. It felt like just as the idea of the right words started forming on my tongue, it dropped like a dead weight in my mouth. But I had to try.
"Because, I...I'm her tonight, right? And you're..." I panicked. "Y-you'll always be special to me." I kicked myself in my head. That wasn't direct at all! I think he appreciated my answer, but clearly didn't pick up on my implication.
"Thanks. Do you mind if I take a little walk?" He squeezed my arm a moment before getting up and strolling slowly along the path that circled the lighthouse hill. It was mostly overgrown, but not too much that it impeded some light travel.
Still...it almost seemed tonight like every time I got too close to him he would try to wander off again to put distance back between us. But there wasn't time for that, was there? Just two more fireworks, and they could come at any time. I needed to force this out of myself one way or the other...
I followed quickly. He seemed content enough to have my company, but…it wasn't really like him to be this quiet. It was obvious there was something still on his mind. I'm not sure if I should pry, or give him a little space. It's rare for him to not immediately open up about his problems, so I actually have no idea how to handle it.
All I knew was I definitely couldn't stand this silence, this unnatural distance between us, much longer.
All I wanted to was to be closer to him again.
All I had to do was speak.
"Sora…?" I reached forward to grab his hand but my toe caught on an errant string of ivy and I stumbled into him with a tiny yelp. He gripped my shoulders, helping to steady me until I could untangle my foot again.
"T-thanks, I..." As I regained my balance he nodded and suddenly let go, resuming his walk, leaving me stunned behind him. His actions were stiff, almost ceremonial, like he was only allowing himself the barest minimum of contact with me. Like he was too afraid to allow a second more. He made it only a few steps away from me before I charged after him, clutching his hand desperately.
"Sora, please. I-I need to...this is important." I had so many mixed up feelings inside it felt like I was going to burst any minute.
I felt him tense a little under my fingers, but he didn't pull away. There was a moments hesitation, then he turned to face me, giving my hand a small squeeze back.
"This really isn't something I could ever run from...even if I wanted to, is it?" He said so quietly I almost couldn't hear. Something in those words made my stomach feel hollow. Before I could ask, he flashed me a quick grin and another squeeze. "Because you're too stubborn to let me go, right?"
"Wh..." I was so utterly confused. He was trying to make a joke, right? Or...
He took a deep breath, smiled, and bounced up and down a few times up on his toes like he was trying to psych himself up for something. "Sorry for being dumb back there. I promised I'd be there for you, no matter what! And when I make a promise, I keep it! S-so..." His energy dimmed, and I could see him struggling to keep that radiant smile on his face. A smile that suddenly seemed like far too heavy of a burden for one person to carry. "S-so let's hear it."
Everything was so confusing, but I could only hope that if I told him the truth his warmth would come back. It's all I wanted right now. I had so much to say, but not enough time to say it. I opened my mouth, and decided to try and let my heart do the talking.
"There's something very important I realized tonight, but I'm finding it hard to tell you."
He swallowed heavily, but nodded, letting me continue. This was...difficult.
"I've...been really selfish this whole time, haven't I?" I released his hand back to him.
"Selfish? What are you talking about? You're always trying to consider other people!"
I still felt incredibly guilty, thinking back on all the things I did without realizing that it would have made Riku want to pursue a relationship with me, and all the obvious signs of my own feelings for Sora that I should have understood sooner. I just suppressed any thought of romance that even when all the clues were right up in my face I looked right past them. It was like I had spent my entire life gazing through a stained glass window, nose pressed up so close I never realized the tinted hue filling my vision was only one part of a whole unexplored tapestry of color.
"Maybe selfish is the wrong word. Naive? About the relationship that I have with you and with Riku. I...I only recently realized..." My voice squeaked a bit in fear, and I clutched at my necklace to try and calm myself down. "I realized that maybe I wasn't being honest with myself. About our friendship. About...my feelings."
He started fiddling nervously, picking at his jacket. "Kairi, listen...I know what this is about, and-"
I shook my head desperately. He couldn't possibly know! I only just realized it! "Wait, please let me finish. I...I think I was just too scared that if anything changed between the three of us, I would lose one of you forever. That made it hard for me to see everything clearly. Maybe that was what was keeping me in denial that anything could be...different."
Through all my panic and reservation, I looked up and saw the twinkle of his old self in his eye, the sky peeking out from beyond the clouds and I immediately relaxed. Everything was going to be okay.
"Kairi, just like I told you before: I'm not leaving you. Not ever. I meant it then and I still mean it now so don't let that worry you. Also, I don't think you understanding more about your heart and who you want to let into it is wrong. Just because you didn't figure it out sooner doesn't mean you were being selfish about it. It's hard to know, sometimes."
He said this so casually I was almost taken aback. I felt a wave of confidence take me, and I prepared to step off over the edge into sheer free fall.
"But Sora, I really do think I know now. I know where my heart belongs." I really wanted to look at him, but everything inside was pounding so heavily I could only close my eyes and focus on taking deep breaths.
"And you'll be...happy with that choice?"
Why did he sound so sad? I reopened my eyes and saw that he was staring not at me, but up at the broken lighthouse just to my right.
"Of course I will be! At least, I hope to be. I can't know the future, but I'd choose the same way again every time. I know that now! Sora, I-"
Bang.
The sixth firework startled me so much I shrieked, cutting myself off. I glanced hesitantly up at his face, wondering if he understood anyway.
"Kairi, that's..." He was just standing there, smiling weakly down at me. "That's...good."
I just stood there, feeling like the breath was knocked out of my body.
...Good? That's what he has to say? It was so...lackluster. Maybe he really didn't understand what I was trying to say after all. I really did need to be more direct about it. But something about this whole situation felt all...wrong. Normally when we were alone together there was such a warm glowing light between us. But today it was like we were two damp matches in a damp cave struggling to find a spark. Maybe he's not feeling too well and is trying to toughen it out like Riku does.
"Sora...it's okay to tell me if you aren't feeling alright. You're not yourself and I'm worried!"
He grabbed my hands suddenly, clutching them tightly to his chest and I blushed at the sudden intimacy. "Kairi, I want you to be happy. If you're happy, I'll be okay."
So he was feeling sick and trying to hide it from me? I frowned. I always hated when those two would just throw their own well being to the side for my sake. I yanked my hands back and forth, shaking him with me. "Just tell me! How can I be happy if you're suffering?"
He gave me his best smile, but I could still tell it wasn't earnest. "Kairi, I know things might not be exactly the same in the future any more but the three of us will make it through okay. It just might take some...time for all of us to adjust properly. Right?"
I suppose that's true? I nodded slowly, and he let me reclaim my hands. Why did it feel like I was talking in circles? Were my emotions making everything too muddled? Did he get what I was saying or not? I'm not really sure. Maybe I should just tell him more clearly to be absolutely certain.
"You do...understand, don't you? Riku and I had a...talk, earlier."
Sora nodded, a bit absentmindedly.
"And...he told me that I needed to be honest with you about the new feelings I discovered."
He said nothing, which only made me more unnerved.
"T-the truth is, I...found the person I like, Sora. And...he was right next to me this whole time." I barely managed to gasp the words out, my whole body feeling hot and dizzy. I closed my eyes, took a few breaths and kept pushing through my stumbling thoughts. "Sora, the person I like is-"
Before I could finish, I felt him wrapping his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug. I sighed into his embrace, expecting that same warm rush I get whenever he touches me.
But it again felt so different this time. Usually Sora hugs were the most calming, comforting thing in the world. Today it was just making my insides feel all twisted up and painful. There was a strong, pinging sorrow deep inside my chest, almost like something inside of me was crying. Something wet brushed my shoulder. Was it...rain?
I tried to lift my head up to check on the sky, but he only gripped me tighter. "Kairi, I know. You don't have to...don't say it."
"But..."
"Please. Please, don't say it."
Why did he sound so...broken? This wasn't the reaction I wanted. Not at all. "...A-are you sad? Sora, I..."
"...I want to be happy, I really do. I just...right now it's...I..." I heard his voice crack, and another splash of that same water as before. And I realized just what it was. It wasn't rain.
Sora was crying.
I felt like I just stepped into a freezer. He...he rarely ever…
I tried to pull out of the hug to check but he just held me tighter against him, refusing to let me see.
"I...appreciate your honesty, though. Admitting this must have been...hard."
Something in his tone worried me. All of my limbs were going numb. I don't think I could even feel half my body anymore, and not just because he was squeezing me so tightly, but because it was like the limbs simply stopped responding.
"Kairi, I'm still going to be here for you. I made that promise and I'm going to keep it. I just...I need time to deal with this."
No. No, no, no. Please, I...
"I'm so sorry, Kairi. But the truth is..."
Please, Sora, d-don't say…
"The truth is...accepting this now?...I can't."
Bang.
As beautiful as fireworks were, they really were quite dangerous. That shattering sound that had only briefly ago exposed the feelings of my inner heart, now felt like it was ripping me apart. This horrible, sinking feeling, like my body was nothing but my heart was crumbling to pieces. Was this what it felt like to be rejected?
I felt hot tears swelling up into my eyes. How horrible. All of those people I caused to suffer this… what a cruel and terrible thing I've caused for so many.
I must deserve this, for all that I've done. It really is a fitting punishment. All the hearts I must have broken, it's only fair that mine should be one of them as well.
My throat felt like it had swollen shut, and I could only choke on my own breath as all those sweet memories of him flooded into my eyes, bringing the tears with them.
But I couldn't cry. Not now. I know how it feels to turn someone down, to feel the guilt that comes with it. I'm sure that's why he's been so…
If he saw this coming, then that's why he wanted to run.
Because he never wanted to hurt me.
I was still getting chills prickling across my skin from the shock, but I finally managed to get my breath under control enough to gasp something out. "Th-thank you for being honest w-with me."
I felt him release me from his hug and he quickly turned away, wiping at his face. I stumbled backwards across the grass, my legs somehow weakly carrying me over to one of the benches.
He turned, a bit startled and tried to rush over to help me, but I held up my hand. "N-no, I'm...I'm alright."
He seemed hesitant to look exactly in my direction and I knew it was because he hated to see me upset, and my face was probably only causing him grief right now. I did my best to try and settle into the most neutral expression I could manage, but I knew I couldn't hold it for very long.
He dug the toe of his shoe into the dirt. "Hey, um...maybe I'll go see if I can find Riku, okay? D-did you want to go see him?"
I took a deep breath. Not exactly, no.
But even if I did want to, that wouldn't make a difference. That last firework made seven, and number seven was my signal to return. I shivered, feeling colder than ever. The last thing I wanted to do now was go back down to the water.
I stood from the bench shakily. "...I have to go. The boats, remember?"
"R-right. Are you going to be okay? Do you need help getting down there?" He offered his hand but I turned it away with a shake of my head. He seemed incredibly distressed still and I don't blame him. It was obvious he couldn't stand seeing me so upset, yet at the same time not really being able to do much to make it any better. He's never really been in that situation before with me, and he's floundering. He's always only ever wanted to help me.
I started making my way back down towards the tunnel, thinking to glance back at him over my shoulder. He was standing there, looking more forlorn than I've ever seen him before. What had I done wrong? Was I too forward? Or maybe he simply didn't like me in that way.
All his kindness, all the love he shared with me was never meant to be anything more.
I gave him an attempt at a cheery wave, but I don't think I really convinced him of anything. He gave me an equally unconvincing one back and I turned away, making my way down to the dark waters below.
With each heavy step I took down to the shore I felt my breath catching more and more in my throat until I couldn't stop the tears from pouring down my face. I choked on them, trying desperately to wipe them away with the inside of my sleeve. It was salty. Salty and bitter.
My heel caught on the stone and I teetered sideways, scraping my arm against the rough stone wall of the tunnel, sobbing heavily. But the sting of that pain was nothing. I wept uncontrollably against the chill of that rock, feeling its cold seeping into me, desperately trying to suck me into its grasp.
The voice in my head belted out its cry, begging me to run back to him. I smacked the wall with my hand, clinging to it as my legs gave out beneath me, sliding to the dirty ground.
I wanted to be his light. I wanted to be the one to make him smile. I wanted to share everything with him. But if he doesn't want that, then…
Everything will have to return back to the way it was.
Yet somehow I knew it couldn't. Not really. He said so himself.
I had been so frightened of letting anything change, refusing to let anything die, that I had smothered it all to dust.
This tunnel was so dark. So empty and lonely. I could never let this be my future.
I can't say what will come. Yet I know deep down I have always loved him, and I always will, in some way. I may have to accept a future where I am not the one in his heart, but I will not accept one without him at all. He was absolutely right about that, too.
I shakily gripped the wall as I stood, and made my way down to the bottom of the steps, where the cherry blossom staff was waiting where I had left it.
As soon as I wrapped my hand around it, I clutched it tightly to my chest. To treasure those we love, and support them through any hardship. To protect the preciousness of life, even if it means standing against death itself. To never give up on the new dawn that will always come.
That is the hope I will strive to carry with me, always.