3. Shock

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After a painful, interminable minute it became clear to me that she wasn't going to stop crying anytime soon. "I'm coming over there," I announced. "I swear I won't hurt you."

I approached slowly, afraid of scaring her on top of everything else I had done to her, and sat down on the floor next to her bed. I carefully took her hand, surprised when she gripped mine in return, and rubbed my thumb over the back.

"Shh, Bella, shh. I'm so sorry. Please don't cry. I'm so sorry." I continued whispering apologies as I cautiously put my other hand on her back, stroking her hair. I expected her to cringe away from my inexpert attempt at comfort, and was shocked when she instead leaned toward me, resting her head on my shoulder and sobbing into my neck. Eventually, somehow, she ended up down on the floor with me, in my lap.

I held her in my arms as she sobbed until she gagged, and then as she tried to vomit in her wastepaper basket, heaving and heaving, but only producing bile and saliva.

I held her as she sobbed for all the innocent lives I had so callously taken, and I tried to cry for the earnest, naïve boy I had once been and the despicable monster I had become, for the eighty-seven years of grief and death I'd wreaked on the world, wishing my wretched, cursed body could produce tears.

I held her as she inexplicably clung to me—me! The author of her distress—and cried herself into an exhausted sleep.

I should have returned her to her bed then, but instead I held her as she slept, my lips on her head and her scent a fiery, precious burn in my throat. I watched the sky slowly begin to lighten, knowing our time together would soon be coming to an end, but oddly wishing I could hold her close to me forever.

I held her until I heard a car door slam and the tired, disjointed thoughts of her father.

She woke, disoriented, as I was sliding her under the covers. "Shh, it's okay. Your father's home from work; he's going to come check on you."

"But…wait, are you leaving?"

I heard the front door close. "Do you want me to?"

"No!" she exclaimed, too loudly.

"Shh," I whispered. He was coming up the stairs now. "I'll stay. Go back to sleep." I impulsively grabbed her hand and kissed it, then darted into her closet. I waited in there while her father poked his head in her door, puttered around in the bathroom, and got into bed. When his breathing slowed into sleep I emerged silently, surprised to see Bella's eyes half-open.

"'Go back to sleep,'" she mocked me sleepily. "Not likely while you're here."

I recoiled, stung, even though I knew I deserved her distrust. I told her stiffly, "You would be perfectly safe. I won't hurt you."

"What?" She sat up, shoving her hair back from her face. "I didn't mean that. I just meant that I don't know how long you're staying. I don't want to sleep through it."

I could feel the abnormal slackness of my facial muscles as I stared at her. I didn't even know what to make of that. How could she actually want to spend time with me?

She yawned widely, and I decided to try to bargain with her. "If I promise I won't leave until you want me to, will you go back to sleep for a couple of hours? You've barely had any sleep at all tonight."

"You promise? 'Cause I still want to talk to you." She yawned again and continued, her words beginning to slur together, "And you said you would answer all my questions so if you leave I'll never know the answers and it'll be sad."

I poked her gently in the shoulder with one finger and watched her sway. "Lie down before you fall down, silly Bella. I will stay right here until you wake up, and we can talk about whatever you like. I promise I won't leave."

"'Kay." She flopped back down and I helped her pull the covers up around her shoulders. I smoothed her hair back from her cheek, watching her eyelids flutter as she fought sleep. "Ewward?" she mumbled.

I smiled a little at her mispronunciation. "Yes, love?" I winced as the endearment tumbled out, hoping it didn't upset her again. Fortunately, she didn't seem to notice.

"Be sad if you left."

"Yes, I know. Not having answers makes you sad," I said, amused.

She forced one eye halfway open. "No, you. Not answers." Her eye shut and she murmured, "Want answers, but you more."

She immediately tumbled deep into sleep as I stood frozen by her bed. I couldn't breathe. Not that I needed to, but I wasn't accustomed to being unable to. She was… she was amazing… she was beautiful… inside and out… she was… she was…

She was completely insane. How could she even think such things? I was a bloodthirsty monster, and she knew it! How could she want me? Why would she want me? She deserved so much more than anything I had to offer.

The story I had heard so long ago about the courting vampire popped into my head and I ruthlessly shoved it away. I had heard that story and only been inspired with a way to create guaranteed betrayal. I was completely unworthy of her. She was delirious from exhaustion. That was all.

I staggered over to her rocking chair and collapsed into it, profoundly irritated by my sudden lack of motor skills. I felt as though I had been taken apart and put back together in a way that made me completely unrecognizable. I was not the same vampire who sat in this very chair not seven hours before, and certainly not the same vampire who sat here a month ago. I didn't know who I was anymore.

"Edward," she sighed in her sleep.

I fought the grin that threatened to take over my face every time she said my name in her sleep and pulled her scent deep into my lungs. It roused and calmed me simultaneously, in the strange way it had always done.

She breathed my name again, the corners of her lips turning up as she smiled, and suddenly the unsettling confusion of the past month —my inability to kill her, the desire to spend time with her, my longing to hear her thoughts—suddenly it all made perfect, horrible sense.

I love her.

The thought was shocking. Not because she was human—well, not only that— but because I hadn't thought I had any finer emotions left. I hadn't thought it possible for me to love anyone. For decades I'd been no more than a monster, a soulless, pointless husk of a man.

Although it was probably stretching a point to call myself a man.

I knew I couldn't stay with her. I'd done enough damage already; it would be reprehensible to inflict myself on her further. I would answer her questions and then leave her in peace.

I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, my entire being rebelling at the thought of leaving her. There had to be another option. Could I perhaps watch over her from a distance? Surely it would be acceptable to keep an eye on her as she went through her life, just to ensure she was safe and happy.

I thought of watching her finish high school, go to college, fall in love, marry and have children…

I flinched. I wanted those things for her, of course I did. I wanted her to be happy. But the thought of watching her happiness with another man was unbelievably painful. Could I trust myself to observe her and never interfere? Could I be strong enough to stay out of her life?

Well, I would need to be, I told myself harshly. If I wanted to stay close enough to ensure her safety, I would need to find the strength to remain unnoticed in the shadows, where I belonged.

Bella shifted position in her sleep, muttering incomprehensibly about trees and green mush, and I decided to worry about all this later. Watching her sleep was far more interesting.

As the minutes passed it became more and more difficult to remain where I was. The draw to be close to her or touch her was nearly overpowering, and it was a relief when she began to stir, drifting slowly towards awareness. She suddenly sat bolt upright and looked wildly around the room. When she saw me in the rocking chair she let out a huge breath and collapsed back on the bed.

She looked… relieved. No one else on this planet, knowing what she knew, would be relieved to find me still in their bedroom. Maybe she really was insane.

She rolled on her side and met my eyes. "You're still here."

"I promised you I would be," I replied with pretended calm.

"I'm so glad," she murmured. Her eyes drifted closed and she rubbed them childishly, then focused on me again. "Hi."

I could feel the affection in my smile but was helpless to stop it. "Good morning."

She gestured vaguely in the direction of the bathroom. "Um, I'm just going to, uh, take a human minute. I'll be right back." She slid out of bed, blushing, and darted around her room gathering clothes and toiletries. Given how last night began, I found her self-consciousness charming.

After a great deal of thumping, muttering, and running water, she returned from the bathroom and perched on the edge of her bed, looking uncertain. "Do we have to stay here to talk?"

"We can talk wherever you like." If we went somewhere else I would have more time with her, so I was unlikely to object.

"Would the meadow be okay? I don't think it's supposed to rain today."

"You'd like to go back there?" I was surprised she wouldn't prefer a location closer to other humans, not to mention one wholly unconnected with me. Perhaps she wanted to keep the memory of my deception in the forefront of her mind? The meadow should accomplish that goal very easily, if so.

She shrugged. "It's beautiful there. And it's not like everything you told me there was a lie—you may as well tell me the rest of the truth there, too."

A/N: Aw, he loves her. And he figured it out on his own, too. ;) Edward will start talking in tomorrow's chapter, and we'll begin to see what his story is. Thanks to those who've reviewed! I had a guest reviewer ask if there are mates in this world, and yes, there are, but Edward likely doesn't know much about them. He's kept himself isolated, and has had little interaction with other vampires.