13. Devastation
.
"There's not much to tell," Rosalie said in a tone so falsely disinterested that Bella shifted uncomfortably against me. "It was 1931, I was dying, and Carlisle changed me."
In a matter of seconds I'd gleaned the full story in hers, Esme's, and Carlisle's minds: the terrible nighttime car accident in a desolate area; her parents and brothers dead; Carlisle and Esme coming across the scene after hunting; Carlisle trying futilely to save Rosalie's life as she begged him not to let her die; Esme asking him to save her before she fled the bloody scene; Carlisle explaining the only way he could help her and Rosalie gasping her agreement; her fury after she was changed upon realizing she could never have children…
"I suppose you've pulled the whole story from our heads by now," she snapped resentfully. "We'll never have a private thought again."
Oh. I was so used to scanning others' thoughts for information that it hadn't even occurred to me not to do it. "Yes, I did," I admitted stiffly. "I apologize. I'm not accustomed to trying to block people's thoughts unless I'm feeding."
"I'm sure Edward will keep whatever he hears to himself, Rosalie," Carlisle said placidly.
She scoffed. "How do you know—"
"I will," I interrupted her, trying to repress the offense I felt. After all, she didn't know me, and it would admittedly be very easy to misuse my gift. "I would never betray anyone's confidence that way."
Her eyes bored into mine for a long moment before she grudgingly nodded.
"Then I was next," Emmett boomed cheerfully. Everything about Rosalie softened, and she smiled at him as he announced, "Carlisle saved the best for last!" He ignored the derisive noise Jasper made and Alice's bell-like laugh, and winked at Bella when she giggled. I could see the affectionate indulgence in Carlisle and Esme's smiles, and for the first time I allowed myself to think of what joining their coven—their family, for it clearly was a family—would be like. I had been solitary for so long, knowing there was no one I could call upon for help if I needed it and that there wasn't a creature in the world who would notice or care if I were destroyed. How would it feel to have companionship and support? To know that there was a place and people to whom I belonged?
My reaction to the idea frightened me. Wanting so badly to be part of this family was dangerous. It made me too vulnerable. I was already in a position of weakness, being alone with Bella to protect.
Emmett distracted me from my thoughts as he continued, "I grew up in Tennessee, in Gatlinburg. I was out hunting and ended up on the bad side of a bear. Black bears usually aren't that aggressive, but it attacked without warning, knocked my rifle out of my hands and ripped me open before I knew what was happening. Then this angel found me," he ran the back of his fingers tenderly down Rosalie's cheek, "and a while later I woke up as this—which was awesome!"
"You don't mind… being what we are?" I'd known, of course, that many of our kind enjoyed being vampires, but I hadn't expected someone I liked to be one of them.
"Nah, man. The strength, the speed, forever with my woman— what more could I want?"
Not to have to kill people, for one, I thought, but didn't say anything. I edged closer to Bella.
"So what's your story?" he asked eagerly. "What happened when you destroyed that guy?"
Bella's stomach growled before I could respond and the smell of her blush filled my nose.
"Oh, Bella!" Esme cried remorsefully. "You still haven't eaten! I have a blanket you can sit on, and…" Her voice trailed off as we all eyed the bag of food on the ground where I had dropped it in my earlier attempt to flee. It was on the other side of the meadow, very close to all of them.
Alice replayed her vision of us all sitting and talking, and smiled hopefully at me. I sighed and suggested, "Perhaps we can all sit while Bella eats?" I shook my head and chuckled at her brilliant smile as everyone unknowingly arranged themselves to fit her vision. Hers was another gift it would be easy to abuse, especially with no mind reader around to vouch for her honesty. It said a great deal for her character that she had sought out this particular coven to live with, she and Jasper both.
Once Bella was comfortable and eating I spent a few minutes giving them the barest details of my history, not mentioning any of my heinous blood experimentation, though I did admit that I hadn't been limiting myself to criminals for a very long time.
"If you hated yourself so much, why didn't you just let some passing nomads kill you? With your gift it should have been easy to find one hostile enough." That was Rosalie, of course.
Bella stopped chewing and glared at her, as Esme gasped her name reprovingly.
"I didn't mean that I wished he was dead," she said dispassionately, inspecting her manicure. Truly, I didn't mean it that way. I just don't understand. It was curious how much more apologetic her mental tone was than her spoken one. My long history of accidental eavesdropping told me that usually the opposite was true.
"It's okay," I told her, clearly surprising Emmett and Esme. Jasper rightly assumed she was apologetic in her thoughts, Carlisle was erroneously pleased that I still was 'a fine young man,' and Alice seemed to be surprised by nothing. "It's a natural question, and I did consider it for a time. In the end though, I decided I couldn't trust them to—" I broke off, wishing I'd better considered my words with Bella sitting right next to me.
As the seconds stretched out, Emmett prompted me, "Trust them to what?"
I sighed, giving into the inevitable. "I couldn't trust them to burn me afterwards." Bella flinched and I ran a soothing hand down her back. "After my experience with Tredan, I knew the depravity we were capable of, the twisted pleasure some creatures took in torturing others. I wasn't going to allow someone to ever again have that much power over me. And so I just tried not to feel anything, to bury the guilt and self-loathing, and after a while it worked fairly well. Then I met Bella, and realized what doing that had allowed me to become."
There was a long silence, then Esme asked in her gentle voice, "I've been longing to know: how did the two of you meet?"
I opened my mouth to reply, but shame forced it closed. I tried to ignore Jasper's sharpened focus on me as I imagined telling the truth: We met when I selected her as my next victim, but after multiple failed attempts to kill her I realized I loved her. Life sure is interesting, isn't it? Oh, that would go over splendidly.
Bella's hand settled on my leg. "I was in Port Angeles," she stated calmly. I forgot about my remorse as my whole being focused on the warm, hypnotic designs her thumb was drawing above my knee. "It had been raining earlier in the day; the ground was still wet and I slipped on something. Edward caught me right before I landed on my face. We started talking, and…" She shrugged, a small smile on her face, and I marveled at her self-possession. Everything she said was true, yet she made it sound so much different than it was, so innocent. A pang of grief struck me as I realized from her perspective at the time that was how it must have seemed to her. I wished it had been innocent, that I had caught her out of altruism and spent hours talking with her out of a pure interest rather than with calculated deception and bloodlust.
Emmett started chuckling. "I saw you trip in the parking lot on Thursday— you mean you're clumsy like that all the time?" He rubbed his hands together gleefully. "I'm going to keep an eye on you—this is going to be awesome!"
Bella turned a fiery red and stuck her tongue out at him, making almost everyone laugh. Rosalie sighed, looking bored, but Carlisle was watching me with a slight furrow between his brows, the emotions he'd seen flit across my face running on repeat in his mind. There's more to your story than you're telling, isn't there?
I moved my head in enough of a nod that he would know I was agreeing.
You can tell me later, in privacy, if you like.
I nodded again, filled with dread and gratitude. It wasn't surprising that if I was to become part of his coven, as Alice was so certain I would, that he would insist I tell him everything. I was only relieved that he wasn't demanding I tell everyone right away. It wouldn't be right to hide what a despicable creature I was from these more civilized vampires, and it would be reprehensible to allow Carlisle to continue with the mistaken belief that I was good in any way, but oh, how I feared it.
Well, if he or the others were unable to tolerate my presence after learning everything I could hardly blame them. It would be no more than I deserved.
Carlisle cast his eyes at each member of his family, seemingly taking a silent poll. At last his eyes rested on me, and he smiled a little anxiously. "Well, Edward, there is a place in our family that has always been yours, and I hope you will be willing to stay with us."
I felt myself relax, almost in relief. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that Alice and Bella were wearing similar wide smiles.
The anxiety became more pronounced in his voice as he added, "However, if you are going to join us you will need to change the way you feed. I know it isn't very appealing, but I hope you will find that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks…"
He continued on in the vein, his anxiety transferring to me as I wondered what on earth he was talking about. Did he already know how I had been choosing my prey—if so, what more did he think I could possibly have to tell him? I heard in his mind what he was speaking of a split second before he said it.
"… animals."
"Animals," Bella breathed happily, her hand squeezing my leg as she turned her glowing face up to mine.
"Animals," I repeated flatly. Jasper's head snapped towards me as I pushed my way up and out of the circle, staggering backwards. "Animals?"
There was such a roaring in my head, it was hard to concentrate on anything,
but all this time
all this time
all this time
it could
have
been
animals.
I fell to my knees because the ground was shaking so that I couldn't stand. The ground, the trees, everything, everyone was shaking, but no one else fell. Only I fell. Because all this time, all this time.
I heard Bella through the noise in my head. She was crying, calling my name, but Carlisle was holding her. He wouldn't let her come to me.
Carlisle
was holding her.
Alice shrieked my name into the clamor. Edward, don't! I watched Bella fly through the air as I ripped Carlisle's arm off. "Carlisle, let her go! Bella, wait, don't let him hold you! Edward, don't you dare hold her!" I saw the vision, Bella's face twisted in pain as I held her to me. As I crushed her like a beast.
I am a beast.
All this time.
Oh God
all this time.
I plunged my arms into the earth, up to my shoulders, as Bella ran to me. I can't hurt her. I hurt everyone, but not her.
Jasper dropped to his knees as faces began to cycle through my head.
My victims
the evil
the innocent
the vicious
the gentle
the foolish
the witty
the lazy
the thoughtless
the trusting
the immoral
the friendly
the dreamers
the family
the children
Was there any type of human I hadn't killed?
Bella was wrapped around me now, her front to my back, her arms around me, her breath on my face.
"All this time," I told her desperately.
"Shh, you didn't know."
"But… Bella, all this time!"
"I know, Edward," she whispered brokenly. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you didn't know."
I vaguely heard Carlisle tell Esme and Rosalie to get Jasper away from here, as Alice constantly checked her visions and Emmett paced. Bella stayed wrapped around me, her warmth not penetrating me as faces and scents and final thoughts looped through my mind and I helplessly repeated all this time all this time all this time all this time, her tears sliding down my cheek into the dirt.
A/N: Um, yeah. If you were hoping Edward would be happy when he found out about the animal blood option... well, he will be eventually. If that helps. LOL So, I changed Rosalie's back story (if you care about that now, after Edward's breakdown lol) because I don't see any way canon!Rosalie would EVER be able to come to terms with what Edward has spent the last couple decades doing- the betray-the-victim-you-supposedly-saved thing would be bad enough, but the individualized betrayal would be too much. I don't think she'd be able to separate him from Royce and Co in her mind, and the best case scenario would be that the family was torn apart. Worst case is that Edward is torn apart. Thanks to all of you for your reviews, favs etc- and I especially want to thank tarbecca for recommending this story in the Fic Dive on A Different Forest, and welcome to the new readers that have come this way!