14. Dissonance

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Bella stayed at the Cullens' with me that night. In the first of many lies she would have to tell if she bound herself to my life of deceit, she called her father and asked for permission to spend the night with her new friend Alice.

Instead, she spent the night in my room with me. Esme told me I'd had a room in every house they'd lived in since Alice told them I was coming. It was furnished, and filled with books and music, things that Alice saw I might like. There was even some clothing, unworn and modern and clearly expensive.

It was too much. Such bounty and hopefulness, wasted on me.

Bella lay with me on my couch, soothing me with her warmth and her breath and her peace and just her, murmuring words of love all night, even as she slept. Then in the morning she sat outside the door as I told Carlisle everything.

He tried to remain positive at first, professing himself pleased and surprised that I had refrained from killing Emilie. He told me he also had tried to starve himself, but was fortunate enough to have a herd of deer cross his path while he was crazed with thirst, rather than a family of humans. He came surprisingly close to commending me for my decision to hunt criminals: "Of the choices that lay before you, that was one of the best ones."

I scoffed at him in my bitterness and wished I had nothing worse to tell.

His face grew pained and weary as I revealed the truth about the revolting monster he had created, until finally I could no longer bear to look at him. How could he tolerate having me near him, his first creation gone so terribly wrong?

There was a long silence after I finally ran out of things to tell him. I expected to be sent away. I knew he'd do it kindly, because it was evident there was no other way he could be, but I didn't think I would spend another night under his roof.

Instead, he apologized. He said if he hadn't left Chicago he would have come across Tredan's scent and found me, that he could have spared me the life I led.

Even if that were true, it doesn't follow that my poor choices are somehow his responsibility. It was a ridiculous thing to think, and so I told him. Loudly. Well, to be more precise, I shouted it at him. I recoiled instinctively as he moved to put his hand on my shoulder, then jumped out his window and ran, trying to escape from… from everything. From the pain that flashed across his face when I flinched from his touch, from the compassion I didn't merit, from Bella who deserved far more than I could ever offer her, from the family that had waited for me so hopefully for decades— decades that I had spent tormenting and betraying innocent people to their deaths, from my own stupidity in not realizing that if I lived on blood any blood would do, from my own grief, from my own self-hatred, from my own self. I ran, and I ran, until the pain in my chest grew too crippling to ignore.

I collapsed to the ground, not because I was tired— this loathsome body never got tired— but because even though I couldn't bear being so far away from Bella I knew I could never be with her. Why had I entertained the notion of staying with her? How truly despicable I was, to even consider poisoning her life with my presence.

Not that I needed any more proof that I was despicable.

Agony crashed over me as I thought of never returning to her. Of never being close enough to touch her, to tease her, to be amused by her stubbornness. Energy coiled in my muscles and I fought my instinct to destroy something, to take out my grief upon the forest. I had already caused more than enough destruction in my too-long life. Destruction of lives, of families, of people who desperately wondered where their loved ones were. I curled into a tight ball on the wet bracken, resisting the urge to scream. Wishing I could cry. Wishing there was someone who would burn me.

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I knew time was passing, but I didn't know how much. Days, weeks… what difference did it make in light of the empty years stretching out interminably before me? My mind returned again, predictably, to Bella. I ached to see her. Just to see her from a distance and know she was safe. I rolled onto my back and stared up at the sky, my eyes easily locating the stars that daylight hid from human eyes. Surely I could do that? Just watch from a distance? She would never have to know. Maybe I would even have the chance to protect her, a renewed opportunity to do something good.

Of course, there were the Cullens to consider. They knew now how wrong they were to have considered me part of their family. I couldn't imagine they would be happy to discover I was back in Forks, but hopefully they wouldn't mind as long as I kept my distance from them and from all the humans in town. I fought renewed grief at the thought of what I had missed out on, the family I hadn't known I'd had until it was too late.

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I fed on the way back to Bella's: two deer and a mountain lion. I savored the revolting blood, reveling in it even as I realized it didn't fully extinguish the burn in my throat, grateful beyond measure that I would never have to kill a human again.

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It was dark when I reached Bella's house. I found a tree that afforded me a good view into her bedroom window, surprised to realize Alice Cullen was there, sitting cross-legged next to Bella on her bed.

"Are you sure, Alice?" Bella asked insistently.

Alice sighed, but responded gently, "Bella, I promise he's perfectly safe."

"Is he… will he ever… why won't he come home?!" Alice wrapped an arm around her and rested her head on her shoulder. Bella sagged against her and whispered, "You would tell me if he isn't ever coming back, right?"

Alice looked out the window into the trees where I was hiding, and I shrank further back into the shadows. "If I see that he decides to never come back I will tell you. I promise."

"Okay. I'm sorry I keep pestering you," Bella said miserably. "I just miss him so much."

"I know you do, and you aren't bothering me at all. Honestly. I need to go though—I have homework to do and you should go to sleep."

Bella scoffed. "Homework—what will that take you? Five minutes?"

"It's in two subjects, so maybe ten," she retorted cheerfully.

"Ooh, ten minutes, how shocking," Bella teased her. I was glad to see her a little more cheerful.

Alice hugged her tightly. "I'll see you tomorrow." She leapt gracefully out Bella's window and headed straight towards me. Within seconds she was perched in the tree next to mine, looking like a woodland sprite. "Hello, Edward."

I could smell Bella's scent on her and inhaled it deep into my lungs, feeling calmer than I had in weeks. I leaned against the trunk of my tree and replied quietly, "Hello, Alice."

"Feel better, now that you've gotten your fix of her scent?" she asked conversationally. "Is that why you came back?"

"Yes, I do, and no, that's not why." I hesitated, then told her, "You don't need to protect her from me, if that's what you've been doing."

She looked a little offended. "No, that isn't what I've been doing. She's my friend." She continued without a hint of accusation in her voice, "She's needed a friend lately. She's worried about you and she misses you. Are you going back to her?"

"I can't." My voice was barely a whisper, so I tried again a little louder. "I can't inflict myself on her."

"She doesn't see it that way, you know."

"Of course she doesn't. But that doesn't change anything."

"Doesn't it?" Alice asked seriously. "I should think it would change everything."

I didn't know how to respond to that. There was no denying Bella had changed everything about me for the better. But the only change I could impose on her was for the worse.

Alice must have seen I wasn't going to reply because she changed the subject. "Just so you know, I still see you with us."

I just stared at her for a moment. "Are you serious?"

"Of course." She changed her position on the branch and swung her legs like a child. "You belong with us, Edward. I told you that."

"But... look Alice, I know none of you were there when I was talking to Carlisle, but even if he didn't tell anyone what I said, you, of all people, have to know what I've done."

She shrugged, still swinging her legs. "I have a pretty good idea," she admitted. "So?"

"What do you mean, 'So?' Why on earth would you all want me to be part of your family after that?"

"Are you planning on still doing it?"

"What? No!"

"Then why wouldn't we want you, Edward? None of us are perfect. Except for Carlisle, we've all killed people. We just do the best we can not to."

There was a long moment of silence as I tried to reconcile that with what I thought I'd known. I had been so certain that Carlisle was going to refuse to let me stay with them. "Are you sure?" I asked doubtfully. "I mean, have you talked to Carlisle about it?"

"I haven't asked him if he still wants to you join our family, but I haven't needed to. He's asked me more than once if you're coming back, as has Esme. They've both been very upset. And Emmett has been driving me nuts! He's asked me almost as many times as Bella has. Everyone wants you with us, Edward."

"Rosalie?" I asked skeptically.

"Well, she'd never admit it." Alice laughed, and then sighed. "You're not coming home tonight, are you?"

"I don't think so. I just… I need time to think."

"Okay. Don't think too long or I'm going to send people to talk to you!" she threatened cheerfully. She dropped gracefully to the ground, her voice floating up to me. "And Edward? Do some thinking about Bella, too. She's your mate and she needs you."

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To my surprise, Alice had meant it when she threatened to send people to talk to me. As the first light of dawn brightened the sky, Jasper leapt up into the tree next to mine. He stayed for a few hours, telling me his history, which was far more horrific than mine, and how Alice had changed his life. How when he'd met her the hope he'd felt had been so foreign he nearly hadn't recognized it, and how he'd thought he couldn't possibly deserve such a gift. When he left he was grumbling about school and saying perhaps he wouldn't go at all, but his mind was so eager to see Alice that I imagine he bolted straight there.

Esme arrived when the sun, such as it was, was high in the sky. She told me that Carlisle was at work, but assured me that he did want me to come "home." She shared more details about her life before him, about her vile first husband, and her belief that as mates she and Carlisle were fated to be together, that she'd had no possibility of a truly happy life without him. While she wasn't subtle about the point she was making it was admittedly food for thought. Before she left, she naturally and unconsciously reached out to pat down my hair and place an affectionate hand on my shoulder, and for the first time in my vampire existence I was able to think of my mother without overwhelming pain. I waved as she left, and settled back in the tree to see who would arrive next.

Emmett came bounding through the forest a half hour later, thanking me for getting him out of "gym class," which from his thoughts was his last class of the day, involving some sort of physical education. He lounged in the tree next to mine while enthusiastically explaining all the different games and sports that the family played— vampire versions of chess, baseball, capture the flag, golf, and bowling, among others— and how they'd modified their gaming systems to be able to handle vampire reflexes and speed. He told me about everyone's hobbies and was eager to know what I liked to do. There was no doubt that Alice was right about Emmett wanting me with the Cullens. He looked startled when it started to get dark and said that he was supposed to already be gone, demanding, "You are going to come home eventually, right?"

I agreed without even thinking about it, and he grinned widely before dashing off into the forest. I shook my head and relaxed back in the tree, watching Bella doing her homework and getting ready for bed. Every so often she would look out her window in my direction, as though she somehow knew I was here, and sigh wistfully. She looked so sad. I thought about what Esme had said and allowed myself to wonder if the best thing for her, the most loving thing, was actually to stay with her, not away from her. I was so lost in thought that I didn't notice Rosalie arriving until she was standing beneath my tree, tapping her toe on the ground.

"Are you done being foolish yet?"

I raised an eyebrow and dropped from the tree. "Hello to you too, Rosalie."

She rolled her eyes at me. "Seriously, Edward, are you ever going to come home? You have the whole house in an uproar."

"I'm sorry if my emotional distress has inconvenienced you," I retorted sarcastically.

"Well, it has," she said flatly. "After all these years of waiting for you, one would think you would have the decency to stay put."

I glared at her. "Well, forgive me for getting upset at learning that I've unnecessarily killed thousands of people, Rosalie."

"I'll forgive you when you come home. Can we expect you to grace us with your presence soon?" Please, Edward?

I blinked. "Uh, yes." I looked up at Bella's window. "I'll come tomorrow, after I talk to Bella."

"Fine," she huffed. Good for you. I'm glad.

She was going to drive me mad with the dichotomy between her thoughts and speech. "Yes, well, goodbye Rosalie."

"Not so fast. Here." She thrust a bundle of clothing at me. "Alice said you needed this, and she was right. You look like you've been wallowing in a ditch."

I rolled my eyes at her. "Tell Alice I said thank you." I purposely didn't thank her for bringing it, but really! Should I be thankful at being told I looked like I'd been wallowing in a ditch?

As soon as she was out of sight I changed my clothes and leapt up to Bella's window, sliding it open and climbing silently into her room. I leaned against the wall and let her scent wrap itself around me and fill me, and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that wherever Bella was, that was my home.

"Edward," she murmured plaintively. "Edward, where are you?"

I sat on the floor by her bed and took her hand, careful not to wake her. "I'm here, Bella," I whispered. "I'm here."

"Edward," she sighed. Her lips quirked in a tiny smile.

I kissed the palm of her hand and held it for the rest of the night, trying not to be afraid to hope.

A/N: If you're wondering, I don't have an exact timeline but he's been gone about three weeks, and yes, he lay in the forest curled up in a ball the whole time. He was somewhere between the Willamette and Umpqua National Forests in Oregon. There's a Mt. Bachelor in Willamette- I should have sent him there. ;) I know I implied in this that Rosalie had "accidents" but it was purposeful- yes, she didn't have Royce and Co to kill in this version, but without Edward there to flaunt her clean record in front of I wonder if it would have been easier for her to slip. They seem to enjoy antagonizing each other to a certain extent, and I have the impression that canon!Edward didn't have any accidents (at least not after his rebellious period) and that she enjoyed having a cleaner record than him- in a "well at least I've never tasted human blood" way. She couldn't have a cleaner record than Carlisle and who would want to make Esme feel bad? So without him she loses some of her motivation to never slip. I also think Emmett likely had way more accidents at first without Edward there to hear his thoughts and help manage him, and the more accidents someone has near you the more likely you yourself will be overwhelmed with temptation. So I figured I would allow for the possibility. Thanks for reading and reviewing!